My WH has had an A with a woman at work. I have exposed the A to his family, my family, our friends, and our church. I have not exposed to his work. I don't think they know. OW is divorced since last August when the A apparently started.

Should I expose the A to HR at the company? I'm concerned that it will distance my WH even more than he is now. If I do it annonymously, what do I say? I seriously doubt with the corporate environment there that they would care. I don't know anyone at his work as it is so far away, and they never had CHristmas parties or company picnics. Is there a benefit to this, or will it just cause havoc for us?

Any advice?

Dancer

BS me 50
WH 40
married 8 1/2 years
DDay Thanksgiving 2005
Move out 1/6/06
DS 12 (step son--his by previous marriage).

Does he continue the affair on company time? Def expose

I am not sure. I know that they text message each other--that's how I found out, along with finding a hotel reservation she made for him to take him away for his birthday. Now that we're separated, I doubt that they need to continue anything during working hours, and I don't know if they did before.

I don't know what good this would do, and what to say to HR if I sent an annon email.

Thanks for replying.

DAncer

Dancer, exposing at work would cause great conflict in the affair and may even result in one of them losing their job. Both of those scenairios would contribute to the death of the affair, and that is what you want. Your H will be mad, but your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive the affair. If she is divorced [verify this is true] then you could expose the affair to her parents and other members. I would try and contact her XH regardless and see what he knows about the affair. They may have divorced over the affair.

When you expose to his workplace, send a letter to the director of HR, his boss and a key upper level executive, like VP of Sales, etc. Address the HR director but CC the others. That way the HR director can't sweep it under the rug as easily. [and this may happen anyway, but it is less likely] In your letter, tell them how this affair has harmed your marriage and ask them: "what do you intend on doing about it?" Make it clear you a) expect them to do something and b) expect a reply.

Doing it anonymously will be a waste of time, though. They can, will and should ignore that.

dancer,

Exposure in the workplace is one of the places where there seems to be more controversy on these boards. I've seen it work well, I've seen it backfire, and I've seen do nothing. Some work environments respond better than others....a smaller company, or one with strict policies about employees dating is probably a better target for exposure than a big corporation with lots of hanky panky going on....but not always. Even some large corporations have strict policies.....ESPECIALLY if the affair partners are in roles that might open the company to harrassment charges (boss/subordinate). My husband's company would have been worthless to expose in....the execs there openly brought their OW/secretaries on company trips and such. It wasn't just tolerated....it was rampant.

Timing is also an important issue. Workplace exposure is probably more effective if it's done before separation....otherwise....even to the company....it's more easily confused with revenge and not taken as seriously. The impression is the marriage is already dissolved and you could be simply trying to make trouble for your H out of bitterness. Unfortunately, there's alot of people out there who think once you're separated....your free to date. *sigh*

So it's up to you to decide if this is a company worth exposing to. If either the OW or your H reports directly to the other.....I think it's worth doing even if it's a large corp or you feel as though you missed the best "window" as far as timing goes.

The other thing to consider is your ability to support yourself or your children. If your husband loses his job (which is not as important as losing your marriage of course) are you prepared financially to live without any financial support from him if you need to....while this strategy has time to work.

Evaluate your situation and make sure you're prepared. I agree with Melody that you should get independent verification that the OW is divorced. Find her H. Even in the workplace....he might be a powerful ally.

good luck!!

I think that from you both have said that the risks are higher than I want to handle now, and that I may have missed my opportunity. How I wish I had known about this site earlier.

Yes, she is divorced. She reports to the CEO as his assistant, WH does not. Wh has been demoted (just when the affair started last fall--I thought that was why he was so angry and sullen), and is not well thought of in the company. He speaks his mind too directly, and blames others for their shortcomings. Especially the CEO. Not especially smart if you want to climb the corporate ladder. I am concerned that I dont' have physical proof of affair--I saw text messages from her, and he admitted to an EA then later the A. She could have cause for a libel suit, so I think I'll just let it go. Her XH does not work for the company, and I am a bit leary of getting in touch with him as well. IT's just so personal and scary.

However, being as it may, I will continue to let God direct me, and pray for wisdom, strength, and discernment.

Thanks for posting. It really helped.

Dancer

Yes, we know it is personal and scary. But unless you are willing to do some heavy lifting here you are not going to get very far. You won't save it if you avoid doing anything that is scary. It is ALL SCARY, dancer. It is supposed to be. Decisions to take action should be based on whether they are necessary, not whether they are scary. Fears have to be put aside. Believe me, we know its scary! But that is not a reason for inaction. We have been there! But we know that catering to fears will get you nowhere fast. So please move beyond your fears, Dancer. We will help you with this!

I would strongly consider exposing them at work and to her XH and to her parents. [on the same day preferably to get the maximum effect] It is not too late. Doing this would deal a massive blow to the affair and would make the price of the affair very high. The affairees would be forced to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others when put in a position to explain.

You may find out that the OW's marriage broke up over this affair or you may even find out they are trying to get back together. You won't know if he will be of help unless you call him up, though.

dancer,

I posted this on the "marriage friendly workplace" thread....but I also wanted to share it with you:

I was responding to this post.


liz,

I've been here a long time. I've seen workplace exposure work very well. Some bosses will say "ooooooookay"...but I know plenty of bosses who didn't. I've also seen it fall flat and even occasionally really backfire. Each person has to look at their situation and decide if will benefit their situation.

*editted to add: I believe it DOES benefit our community to expose these things....but I'm a little militant about these things. I'm a very strong marriage advocate....it's just who I am.

As you suspect....it works best when both affair partners are working at the same company, especially if one is in a subordinate role to the other and therefore exposing the company to harrassment charges. Even if they don't work together....some workplaces....like churches, religious schools, small family run businesses, or even large companies that have strict codes of conduct, or strict rules about using the computer/company phones for personal business will often take action. Exposure certainly does cause embarassment (but if someone is acting in such a way that they need to be embarassed if others find out...whose fault is that?). It definitely has a purpose however (embarassment is not the purpose...it's the consequence)....the purpose is to put pressure on the affair by destroying the secrecy that feeds it and an environment that enables it.

As a marriage advocate....I think affairs are everyone's business. Infidelity and divorce are undermining the sanctity of the family, and the security of children in this country.....with long term effects. It's easier to look the other way. It's easier to say nothing. That's why it's so easy to have an affair. I want to make it harder and more uncomfortable to leave spouses and children. I want to raise the consciousness level of people around me about this epidemic so that people don't become desentized or say "ooooooooookay".

Remember that famous case where that girl in New York got murdered in front of all those people and no one went to her assistance or called the cops? That's what's happened with infidelity.....and I'd like to see that change.

*********************

There's no doubt it's a risk. Weigh your risks, but if you decide to expose or not expose....make it for the right reasons.

Good Luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If the OW reports to the CEO, then it may be good to raise the question about her 'integrity'. Anyone who chooses to mix an affair into the workplace is not to be trusted.

So in this case, maybe an anonymus letter to the CEO questioning his staff's integrity may work. Is this company a service or a retail company? The reputation of the company c/b used as being in question. How much exposure does the OW have in the company and outside of it? Is she a rep at functions?

L.

This is smart - I would also pray for all of the lies to be uncovered, in and out of the workplace.

It is not so scary to contact the OW's X. Imagine the worst things that could happen, and then decide (with prayer, of course). If he hangs up on you, will this be okay? If he yells at you, will this be okay? You can always expect the worst, too, and then you will nto be dissapointed! But, I'd imagine that he would either not talk to you or have compassion for you.

You can also put yourself in the CEO (?s) shoes and imagine, if your assistant was running around with another (and least favorite) employee, would you want to know about it?

Hello Dancer. I am going to ask you to look at a few thing in YOURSELF, okay?

HOw commited are you to making your M work? Or are you ready to walk away? It is your choice of course. It always is.

BUT, the bigger question is; what you CHOOSE to do about it?

When you say you are allowing GOd to direct you, have you considered that GOd helps those who help themselves? And have you considered that GOD directed you to this site? And that GOD is provding you with the experience of veterans like Pep so that you will LEARN?

Look at Mortarman's thread. He has put his life into GOd's hands. Yet HE stopped at nothing to fight for his M. Nothing.

So I ask you to consider whether your statement that you are WAIITNG for God to direct you is an excuse not to take responsibility for your own choices. That is, to continue to mark time. TO do nothing. To be a doormat. TO let life batter you.

To work through your fear is very hard. I know. I fought the military during my exposure so I know what it is like to tackle HUGE organizations. BUt that has NOT stopped ME from doing what I must for ME! and For my DD.

I might not have gotten what I fought for. BUT I walk away with my head held high. KNOWING I did EVERYTHING humanly possible. There was NOTHING I didnt do. NOthing.

I look back on my struggle and have no regrets. I would hate to see you down the road regret your choice of inaction.

Becasue Dancer, it IS a choice.

Take care.

dancer, you have received some very good insight to workplace exposure here.

Ideally you would like to expose very early on so it doesn't seem like punishment to the WS.

I can tell you from experience that it worked for me although I have not recovered my M. I exposed my WW to the OM's VP and the HR VP. It didn't stop the A but it dealt it a huge blow since they had to be extra careful of what they did. They were placed under the microscope for some time. My WW was very angry for a long time and she still harbors resentment because of it, but I've noticed her anger has slowly dissipated. It has taken a long time.
Now my WS can NEVER bring OM into her life as a NEW relationship since everyone knows an A was happening during our M. Any future R with OM will always be stained with the stigma of an A.

The key is to reinforce to the WS that it was done to save the M.

Good luck!

HTW said: [color:"blue"] Now my WS can NEVER bring OM into her life as a NEW relationship since everyone knows an A was happening during our M. Any future R with OM will always be stained with the stigma of an A.[/color]

Excellent point HTW.

You are absolutely right and it would be forever onto forward the explanation that the kids would come to understand as the truth in the future also.

They are smart and will ask questions as to the “why’s” of all of this for the rest of their lives. At least now there is a “crime scene” for them to refer to the devastating tragedy by.

IMHO, it’s important that they know the truth about the wayward spouse because they are naturally going to assign blame and judge this forever.

The most important thing with the children is that no matter how they try and rationalize anything about this; we never allow them to assign ANY blame to themselves.

This has been a ping pong match in my mind since my parents D’d when I was a child.

Plank.