Yes, get a PI. And by all means get his mothers name so you can expose to her. They are very afraid of you, FOR GOOD REASON, you have a WEAPON and they KNOW IT.

Do you know his name?

Yes I know his name. It's amazing really that she gave it to me without knowing it. This morning when I was picking up our son, she asked if I would take her trash home and put it in our dumpster because she forgot to put it out for collection. I volunteered to take all her trash, and of course wouldn't you know that she left her phone bill in there. searched the number on internet, and it came up with the name I thought. must assume the address is current too. this name and number don't show up with regular people searches so I think it is fairly new address. amazing, hundreds of minutes she has been talking to this guy. I don't have a chance against this as it is.

The very best way to let him know you mean business is to find out if he's married and expose to his W. Take whatever evidence you have and make it availble to her. This will cause a Texas sized manure-storm for him at home. At the same time you expose to his W, you expose to everyone who you know is close to your W and who may be influential in convincing her to stop the A.

If you haven't purchased Surviving an Affair, you need to do so, immediately, and read it cover to cover. This is your roadmap on how to influence stopping the A, and your W returning to the Marriage. If you plan on accomplishing all this by flying by the seat of your pants, you may find you're on an even longer, wilder roller coaster. This MB program works, but you have to have an understanding of how and why it works, otherwise you'll make mistakes that may slow the process down, or make it more complicated.

Before I found MB, I confronted the OM. I called him as asked in a gentlemanly way to please stop seeing my W, as I loved her and hoped to give our marriage a chance, but could make no progress so long as he was involved. He didn't give a flip about how I felt about his involvement. He denied seeing my W, he continued to see my W, and he lied in every was to cover his own [censored].

My W's OM was single, and if I had it to do over again, I'd have showed up with two of my biggest and best friends (to keep ME from doing something stupid) and tell the OM the same thing I told mine over the phone....I love my W, my KIDS love their mother, I will do ANYTHING to try to get the affair to end, so I have a chance to rebuild my marriage (sinister, but not necessarily threatening), I would indicate that I would be tireless in my efforts to thwart the affair lasting any longer.

Do not threaten him in any way, but show him you are SERIOUS and oh, so earnest in pursuing your W's return.

Find out everything you can about him, so you have alternative forms of leverage you might use...does he coach kids sports teams? is he heavily involved in church? does he work with your W? These things can broaden you range of exposure and make his life more complicated. Many OM will cut and run to minimize their losses.

Try to put the pain and emotion on the shelf when planning your moves, and use your brain for taking actions that will make a difference, in your favor. Hyperventillating, and taking knee jerk steps will not likely produce any gain for you in your objective to get your W back into the M.

Best wishes,
SD

You don't have a chance if you don't do something! We are hoping to change your odds!

I suppose it would be a really bad idea to show up at his door tomorrow while she is there wouldn't it. Should I try to keep my contact with OM a secret from her? Or should I just flat out tell her that I am going to fight to save my family and I am going to stop at nothing to end this affair? She already believes that I am doing my best to destroy her happiness. I've thought about calling him tomorrow and telling him to end it. I figure that he will not do so, and will tell her I called. Just don't know if I am ready for the s***storm that will follow. (she just might take our son and disappear) a phone call is safer from the aspect that I will not be on his property presenting a threat which can get you shot legally in this state. Plus if I lose control of my emotions, I can't reach out and give him the throttling that he deserves. But, I think that looking him in the baby blues, and telling him how I feel may have better impact. Perhaps a phone call from the street outside his house would be a good compromise.

I am praying alot for guidance, and I feel that is why I came here. God is so much better at comforting my aching heart than he is at telling me what he wants me to do. I keep second guessing my decisions. I appreciate all of the advice, and the differences of opinion are amazing. So many times you hear that you should do nothing that will hurt the situation, but these are probably ideas from the same people that think you can make friends with terrorists.

At this point, I have no desire to hurt this person. I just want him out of her life. If he shows me that he has no respect for me or my family, then I will show him the same respect. I will get a PI to find out everything I can, and use it to my full advantage. I should also make an appointment to see a lawyer to find out what my rights are if all this goes awry

Great... a thinking man's positive approach to taking actions that will benefit his efforts to save his marriage!

Good plan!

Best wishes,
SD

I know you love your wife and want to try and make your marriage work. I still think being calm, strong and having the attitude of "if he is what you want than its your decision" I would definitely gather facts and go for full exposure. I wouldnt ask him to stop seeing her. Just the "Hey, I know whats going on". Anything else and He might simply go to your wife and say something to the effect of "your knucklehead husband asked me to stop seeing you, doesnt he know we are in love".

I think that in the long run, after it runs its course. After the fantasy ends and reality sets back in your wife will realize that you are the only true source of stability and fundamental love in her life. Let your wife know that you are strong and able to function without her.

In the long, after it is over, one way or another you will never have to ask yourself whether or not your wife would rather be with him. The less you try and force the end, the less needy you are, and the less control you exert the more stronger person you will be. Not only to her but to yourself and son.

How we deal with this and how we continue to survive can lay a new foundation should the WS return. AS I have said I did everything other than the right thing. I am over the physical aspect, I am dealing with the emotional part. Most importantly for me now though is the fact that I was so weak through it. Begging, pleading, crying and the like. I have little doubt that my wife does in fact love me, that she realizes that it was a terrible mistake and wishes that it would all just go away. Unfortunately, the forced end makes me wonder who would she rather be with.

I know the ties you have and the emptiness you feel inside, many us have been there. Wouldnt you rather be a rock, or a beacon in her life and that of your son. Making your wife come back to you could lead to future feelings of resentment of yourself and constant second guessing.

Show her what she is missing, dont talk about the A or your relationship, dont issue ultimatums, prepare for the worst, and work on you. Dont go out of your way to help, be there as friend, and help her when its not inconvenient to you. Helping her with her day to day life only enables the A. When that reality, that of the day to day chores, sets into their R the fog starts to clear.

Just a quick example, I continued paying my wifes bills during her A, i took care of the kids, made dinner, got them to school, did the homework etc etc. I met all of WW's needs on the homefront, all the while, enabling her A.

Just a survivor with 2 cents to spare.

Quince,

How old is your son?

But at what cost to her emotional well being? What cost to my son's innocence?



I don't care if she would rather be with him. If he was the right guy for her, he would wait until she divorced to start a relationship with her. I am certain that this relationship will only hurt her if it is allowed to go on. Every time I open my mouth about it, it only makes her want him more. But I understand about control. She believes that I am trying to control her. She thinks that I am trying to destroy the happiness that she has found. She believes that for the first time in years she is really living again, and I am the bad guy that wants to ruin it for her. I know that this guys main attraction to her is the fact that he is not me. I cannot have any expectations of getting her back, even if I get this A ended. I would rather lose her, than let her go into this. She has told me that maybe she ought to tell us both to get lost. I told her that would be preferable to what she is doing.

I have asked god to show me the way that he wants me to go. I feel that he has lead me here to find the answer. I don't want to take matters into my own hands, I don't want to second guess my decision. I want to be certain that I am doing the right thing.

My son will be eight next month.

Quince,

You are hurting, confused, and upset.

Most of us have been there, so we understand completely.

Listen to my words please:

Get educated. Read Harley’s information on the website about Emotional Needs, Plan A, Plan B, everything there is that he has for free.

Continue to gather intelligence on the A. You just need hard proof like pictures. If you have to tape record your WW do that. Just don’t get caught while in the middle of doing it.

Do not tell the WW how you got any of your information.

Tell your WW that you are fighting for your M. Tell her that if she comes home you will work on fixing the things that are broken in yourself and that you accept responsibility for the things that you contributed that were harmful to your M.

Your first maneuver here has got to be to bust up the lovers in heat. That’s what is happening over there. They are not using rational thought AT ALL. They are using thoughts based upon addiction and selfishness ONLY.

Whatever you think that you know about the dynamics of adulterous relationships before all of this is unimportant. What you have to do now is to quickly become educated and LEARN what the dynamics are really all about.

Wipe that part of your brain clean and rebuild the entire region as far as A’s go.

Right now you should be in Plan A and operating under the carrot and stick mode.

You have been separated for a while so I’m not sure exactly how that changes things but calling Dr. Harley would be an excellent idea.

Read about Lovebusters and ELIMINATE them from your behavior patterns, particularly with your WW.

You can do this! You can pull this bull down to the ground.

Good luck,
Plank.

Quince,

I did a last ditch and sent an e-mail to my WW's OM. Suffice to say he did call me and we had a long conversation. He has agreed to NC and as far as I can tell, they are in NC for the last month or so. Sure, I have my suspicions but I've been able to take one thing off the table (her bank account and cash withdrawls). If you feel that you need to contact the OM, don't confront of make any judgement of him as that will only entrench his position further. Also, I DO NOT recommend accepting ANY terms that include money in any way shape or form, I screwed up in that respect. Otherwise, I think I did the right thing contacting him.

Here's my thread..

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB37&Number=3026840

BS

Q,

I would recommend that you start keeping a written log of you interaction with her in regards to your son. You said that she left home. If so, she has abandoned you and your son and this will not be a positive for her if you eventually try and get custody. Keeping these kinds of records at this time is a good idea as you have no idea what the future holds. You may eventually file, if you do you have the info you need, if you do not file and this is resolved you can throw the records in the trash. No harm done.

In my case I tried to confront the OM when my wife was at his house. I rang the bell and he hid upstairs and would not answer the door. Hiding from me was a big letdown for my wife. He was not the hero she thought he was. I am not recommmending that you confront him as my experience was my experience and yours could be totally different. The one piece of advise that I will give you is: do not do anything based on emotion or ego. Be as level headed as you can at this time. I wish you the best of luck. You are not alone and you can do this.

I am thinking that I will ask my mom to watch my son tonight. I will drive to this man's house, to see if her car is there. This would verify the address. I think I will wait for her to leave before speaking to this man, and I think I will call him and invite him out into the street so as not to violate his property rights. I will ask him what his take on their relationship is, and where he intends to go with it. I will try to make it clear that my wife has a history of acting out sexually instead of dealing with her problems, and if they remain involved she will certainly do this to him as well. I will try to explain that I am trying to fight for my family, and I would expect that he should respect that. I will tell him that if he doesn't break it off today, I will begin a major s***storm of exposure that will lead to nothing but misery for them both. I will take along some poster board and pens, and I will make a large sign that says

"(man's name)(man's address) is having an affair with my wife! (man's name)does not respect our family! (man's name)is destroying our marriage! (man's name)'s phone number is ###-###-#### call him and tell him what you think of this!"

I will then proceed to go to every house in his neighborhood and share with them what it is that is going on there. When I find out who his mother is, I will go to her and explain the situation. Likewise when I find out about his ex wife.

I will stand along the busiest street in his town and hold my sign up high for all to see.

I really have little to lose by doing this

Quince, don't do that. You will just be harming yourself if you do this. Only one hurt will be QUINCE. The goal here is to harm the AFFAIR, not you. You can harm the AFFAIR, and him, if you gather all the pertinent information about him and then expose him.

If you threaten to expose him you will lose that weapon entirely. He will simply contact those people himself and spin the story about some jealous nutjob who thinks I am playing with his wife. Then when you do call, they won't take you seriously.

Telling his neighbors and putting up signs will only make you look like a nut and land you in jail. Don't even go there, friend! You have much better arsenal in your collection, you just have to use it!

Get as much information as you can about the OM and we will help you intelligently and strategically bust up this affair.

So what do I need? They are not hiding the relationship from anyone in his area! to everyone, they look like a legitimate couple. My wife is safe there because noone is the wiser. I don't want to look like a fool, but I must make him think that I mean business. I know the sign idea will make me look stupid. But, I can still talk to him and guage his response to a simple promise to rock his world. I could simply neglect to say what I will do but make a general promise to wreak havoc with his happy little love affair. So what do you mean by exposure, if it isn't to his friends and neighbors

Expose to his mother and father and his boss and any other key people in his life. Tell them you are married to XYZ and their son is having an affair with your W that has broken up your marriage. You are trying to save your marriage and ask for their help. Ask them to tell their son to leave your wife alone so you can save your marriage.

Well, I have calmed down a little since my little sign idea. I know better than to do something so radical. Or at least I hope I do. Proof again that God has brought me to the right place. Thanks. I do have his brothers phone number. Not sure if I should call or not. Don't know if his brother would just cheer him on or not. Perhaps, if I try to call the OM and don't get good results, then it wouldn't hurt to call his brother. Who knows, I could possibly get his mom's number from the brother. Doubt it though.

Quince, for maximum impact, gather the #s for ALL exposure targets and do it at the SAME TIME. This will have the maximum impact and will prevent the OM from calling around to PRE-EMPT you. If you do all the exposures at the same time, he will have all sorts of fires to deal with at the same time, which will cause GREAT conflict in the affair.

Doing it at the same time creates a TSUNAMI versus a spittle that is easily recoverable.

So, don't do any exposures until you have all the phone #s and a WRITTEN SCRIPT in front of you. Do this strategically to get the best outcome, ok?

Let's make up a list of exposure targets:

1. the OM's parents
2. the OM's brother

What about his employer? What does he do? What other family members are there? Does he have any grown children?

What about exposures on your wife's side? Does she have some close friends, family members you could expose to? And I don't mean silly girlfriends who don't know right from wrong. Who else should be on this list?

I have thought about his exwife, and his ex girlfriend that seems to be too involved in his kids life. He is unemployed, which really makes me wonder about my wife. his oldest kid is 14 i think, can't approach them except through their mother.

My wife has no family except her mom who has brain cancer, and is only herself part of the time. She has one close friend that doesn't know about her earlier affairs. I spoke with this woman and that made my wife mad that I got her involved. This woman knows about my wifes relationship and doesn't seem to mind. I could try to lean on her to support our marriage, but doubt it will help.

I really think that it will fail anyway, because he can poopoo the whole thing to all of them making me a nutcase that can't handle the divorce. Not that I am not willing to try.

My mom thinks I should at least wait until the counceling session on tuesday. She thinks that I should tell my wife that I know who he is. I don't know about that but thought I may call the councelor tomorrow and ask some advise also. My poor mother just doesn't understand why I would put myself through this.

Quince,

With the info you currently have, you have a lot of tools to work with.

1. OM unemployed - You need to go and secure your finances. Expect the OM to try and take her for your money.

2. OM has children - Depending on the state of the A, this c/b detrimental unless the OM can convince the WS t/b the babysitter and like it. Hm..... again your $$ c/b in jeporady.

3. OM has X's - find out who they are and expose.

You really need t/d a background check on the OM and you need to do some reading along with getting good MC support. Now go do what you can and protect yourself. I sense a bumpy ride here and you need to be prepared.

L.