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I you're asking me if I think that the board in general has various styles that "balance" each other out....yeah...I guess I agree in theory....in practice....not really. I say in theory....because there are certainly many styles on this board and you would think that would kind of create a balance. However, in practice....we have a very powerful core of vets who have a similar style and many other folks find that intimidating/humiliating/silencing....so the balance is sometimes "off" <to me>. I'm not speaking for anyone but me.
But what I was really referring to in the last post was the balance "within" the hard hitting style....not "without". For instance....is there any value in combining harsh truth/anti-coddling/reality AND compassion/respect. If you don't....does "tough love" really HAVE any LOVE? Sometimes....it honestly seems alot more like hatespeak than tough love....it can be pretty disturbing. That doesn't mean I don't see any value in "toughness" alone....but don't call it tough love if it's just tough....and don't call compassion "coddling" because it isn't disrespectful.
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'm confused ....
I'll try re-reading a few more times ...
thanks Star
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This part is about the group as a whole ... right? I you're asking me if I think that the board in general has various styles that "balance" each other out....yeah...I guess I agree in theory....in practice....not really. I say in theory....because there are certainly many styles on this board and you would think that would kind of create a balance. However, in practice....we have a very powerful core of vets who have a similar style and many other folks find that intimidating/humiliating/silencing....so the balance is sometimes "off" <to me>. I'm not speaking for anyone but me. .... and, you are saying there is a balance overall because there are so many different people and different approaches .... right? Not completely balanced (what is?) ... but about as good as can be expected ... right? is that your intention? having said that, in your opinion, vets tend to have a similar approach ... so, which vets are you voluntering to censor? LOL just kidding seriously, how can vets NOT gradually develop some similarities over time? I think this occurs as a result of figuring out what shorthand works and what does not it's a total non-issue for me is this an important issue for you? Pep
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and now this side of things.... But what I was really referring to in the last post was the balance "within" the hard hitting style....not "without". For instance....is there any value in combining harsh truth/anti-coddling/reality AND compassion/respect. If you don't....does "tough love" really HAVE any LOVE? Sometimes....it honestly seems alot more like hatespeak than tough love....it can be pretty disturbing. That doesn't mean I don't see any value in "toughness" alone....but don't call it tough love if it's just tough....and don't call compassion "coddling" because it isn't disrespectful. sure I see value in this I think I try to do this most of the time I am not always successful but I also try to inject humor at times ... which has backfired and blown up in my face ... but I still do it ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I find humor a really valuable tool here ... often under used so, are you saying this is your prefered style?KEWL Pep
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Star*fish,
Thank you. Just... thank you.
--SC
"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
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....we have a very powerful core of vets who have a similar style and many other folks find that intimidating/humiliating/silencing here comes the group labeling.... these are statements that make me want to walk away from this board.... this type of statement in my opinion is damaging..... dammned if you dammned if you don't..... I am only responsible for MY posts... can't control anyone elses... won't even try... so what do you suggest star.. so called vets quit posting out of fear of intimidating/humiliating/silencing because it doesn't meet someones standard of tough love... I have never tried to humiliate anyone here...cept weaver.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I find these grossly blanketed statements exhausting... again we go round and round... use the ignore function take what you can use garbage in garbage out I will continue to post on the premise that if you are OLD enough to engage in an affair.. you are OLD enough to read some things that might feel a little uncomfortable... AND survive it.... this IS CYBER world.... and posts are as much worth as for what one pays for them.... ARK
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star all your post does is make people feel the need to defend themselves.. and prove that they use compassion AND tough love AND blah blah blah.... I won't do it.. I stand behind my posts.... misspellings and all..... again as note above...for what they are really worth... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ARK
Last edited by ark^^; 07/25/06 03:08 PM.
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....we have a very powerful core of vets who have a similar style and many other folks find that intimidating/humiliating/silencing Arkie .... this does not upset me because I flat out disregard her premise .... which is we are "very powerful"sez who? *snort* only in our own minds LOL such a fascinating self-aggrandizement luxury I cannot afford to add on to my already lengthy list of faults LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am a member here just like anyone else I hold no special "very powerful" position .... and I would suggest, neither does anyone else .... TEMPEST said so ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
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Just because the only folks who stick around these boards are the ones that were strong enough to withstand some of the personal assaults, does NOT mean that those folks are better, smarter or more capable of overcoming poor choices....it doesn't even mean they are the only ones READY to change. They just have thicker skin. It proves nothing....because most of the people who didn't respond to the 2X4's just LEAVE....or get tired of being drowned out and shut up. I just love ya ... I do I do I do...hey..you should have your OWN board !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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BTW, PEP I love your style KEWL who are you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Pep
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ark, all your post does is make people feel the need to defend themselves..
and prove that they use compassion AND tough love AND blah blah blah....
I won't do it.. In the words of the immortal Tina Turner "what's love got to do with it?" Most of this stuff has nothing to do with tough love blah blah blah. We're not parents to these posters. Nobody asked you to defend yourself chere....I'm expressing my opinion just like you are. You in fact have nothing to defend....at least I've never seen it. While you staunchly defend the RIGHT of anyone to post as they choose....YOU choose to post respectfully....always. Interesting. It's a "censorship" issue with you ark.... and I respect that. I really do. But truth with respect is your style and always has been. It's Pep's style too. It's my style for that matter. I'm not fond of censorship....I think it sucks....so I do understand the argument. I said there is a core of vets....but I guess a more accurate statement might be a core of "defenders" because even the folks who defend the style of shame-based motivation....don't practice it...they often just help to drown out the folks who disagree that it "works". Arkie .... this does not upset me because I flat out disregard her premise Well....not much point in discussing further then? If you disagreed....then I have some thoughts....but a flat out "disregard" isn't worth much expulsion of energy. I'm not talking about how you view yourself pep....but how you are percieved. Sure....you have no control over that....but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
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Dang. What this board is... is a lot like what real life <<away from this board>> is... which is... people. Different people, different personalities, different thoughts and different ways of getting those thoughts across. Life. One of my biggest prior MB-concerns was telling posters that they were hurting others with their words -- the ultimate care-taker, that's been me. I'm still a care-taker in many ways... but the days of care-taking adult strangers on an anonymous message board are over. There is a part of me what still stings when I read harsh words, especially when delivered with what *feels like* (to me) malice. But you know what? It ain't about ME. And even if the words are directed to me, it STILL may not be about me. Usually, as Miquel Ruez (in his book "The Four Agreements") says, it's really about the person saying it. I am not the most important person in the room, and neither is anyone else here - except (maybe) to ourselves. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
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It is truly disheartening to see how this "conversation and debate" is degenerating to all but a fistfight outside a bar.............over posting styles. Puhleease <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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One of my biggest prior MB-concerns was telling posters that they were hurting others with their words -- the ultimate care-taker, that's been me. I'm still a care-taker in many ways... but the days of care-taking adult strangers on an anonymous message board are over.
There is a part of me what still stings when I read harsh words, especially when delivered with what *feels like* (to me) malice. But you know what? It ain't about ME. And even if the words are directed to me, it STILL may not be about me. Usually, as Miquel Ruez (in his book "The Four Agreements") says, it's really about the person saying it. NB, you are awesome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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shattered dreams... I been in fistfights in bars.. they are much more fun and entertaining than this... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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new beginning, it's really about the person saying it. You just said a mouthful dawlin'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That's why lack of compassion hurts the postee as much as the poster. It's the same reason why infidelity destroys SELF! And ark^^.....please direct me <if you can> to ONE post where you called someone a wh*re, a slut, a skank or accused them of rutting like a pig. Show me ONE post where you said a WS deserves to be murdered or tarred and feathered. And if you can't....tell me why you DON'T use those words. I understand your desire to defend the first amendment and I hate censorship too. But tell me this....do folks who traffic kiddie porn get to hide behind that amendment? Yep we have "moderators"....and they try their best to do their job....but even TEMPEST was challenged the last time she tried to broach this subject. Believe me chere....I have no delusions of grandeur that I will change anybody's ideas....I'm just weighin in. You don't like it...fine...report me...put me on ignore....isn't that what we tell everybody else? all your post does is make people feel the need to defend themselves.. WOW...I can MAKE people feel all that? I must be pretty powerful indeed!! Even if pep says I'm not LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by star*fish; 07/25/06 04:30 PM.
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WOW...I can MAKE people feel all that? I must be pretty powerful indeed!! Even if pep says I'm not LOL BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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*splish* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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star..ofcourse I wouldn't...I would never call anyone those names..except maybe anyone who said I liked Texas....
it wouldn't be PRUdent
tarring and feathering...burning at the stake....well maybe....if you twist my arm....
OK not those...
BUT I'd opt for a week in the public stockade any day....
I think penance serves a place...good for the soul
and I am very very respectful of being a guest here....
and IF and WHEN I see post with such blatant name calling I report it..
which I have done here and there...
so star it's you VET GROUP idealogy I rally about
does this beget breaking down vets in to good vets and bad vets....
saying someone should be murdered or whatever...is really just stupid stupid stuff...
and when someone posts such stupid...you really know how little their advice is worth....
stupid posts with stupid sentiments..identify peoples stupidity...and then you know...
and star ..why would I report you for your opinion...that's ludicrious....and never have I suggested that..
I say let the stupid posts stand for the stupid
and not stupid stand for the not stupid...
and vica versa
for the wise today on one post will the group idiot on the next...etc etc etc
and
vica versa...
ark
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Yo..Ark^^... I have too, and they may have been more entertaining, but they weren't pretty.
Many of the folks involved here offered me some very succinct advice when I first arrived on these boards, and some of it wasn't what I wanted to hear, and wasn't delivered on a down filled pillow...and to my amazement, the advice was right on the mark. Living so close to the "show me" state, I had to pursue some issues "my way", rather than by some of the advice I was given. I now chalk the info I learned by that route as wisdom, ie, something learned the really hard way.
I just hate to see people joined together in a positive effort to help people survive infidelity mince words over something seemingly so inconsequential as posting styles.
Sort of like a fight at choir practice, ya know?
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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