Plan B is when you get to do things for you. It's your time to focus on what you need and want. It's the time you start remembering, or start learning what really makes you happy.

It's your new life without your wife.

So I chatted with WW yesterday as is customary via IM and kept to my plan A guns. I always feel like I'm giving her something she doesn't deserve from me when I make her happy. But I also feel like I'm doing the right thing. Last night she said she had a dream about me telling her I had found someone new. I asked her how she felt about that dream and her response was "It felt weird."

I'm thinking there is more to this feeling than that but I don't want to read too much into it. I didn't press the dream much further and I didn't bow down and try to tell her that there wasn't anyone else. I just let it go. Trying to do the man of mystery thing. Our conversations are typically pleasant as of late and she doesn't typically treat me horribly or without care. I also keep away from subjects dealing with the A since it is happening in my face and there is nothing I can say at this point I haven't said before. If she does get upset I typically will end the conversation with something like "I can see you are upset so I will let you go." This is my way of protecting her from me as well so the disagreement doesn't escalate. She almost always apologizes after 5 or 10 minuts and sometimes I will come back to speak with her and other times I don't. Lately she has been giving me a *hug* icon at the end of our conversations, like I'm doing something right as far as meeting some of her EMs. Again, I don't read too much into it as I highly doubt she would give me a hug in real life after we had a conversation. But I could be wrong.

She is "supposedly" going to return to her parents from the OM's this Sunday. I have heard this line before and am trying not to take too much stock in it. I have a fishing trip planned for most of the weekend with a friend of mine who has essentially taken me in. Following that I believe I am going to put plan B into action on Augush 26th. I will be starting classes at the university around that time and I need to be focusing on that and doing what's best for me as she is clearly not taking me into account. Does this sound reasonable to you, the MB, reader? What should I expect for repercussions from Plan B's immediate effects? Will WW try to email or call me angrily? Can someone give me some examples of things I need to watch out for?

Thank you MB folks, your input and guidance has definitely helped me so very much.

I have no experience with a true plan B, so what I say below is a bit of conjecture based on seeing how a cruel WW acts first hand.

Honestly, if she does try calling...ignore it. If she emails, save it some where without reading it. If she IM's, put her on your block list. She will do what she can to get you back under her control, I don't doubt that one bit. She'll tell you things she thinks you want to hear, she'll lie, she'll threaten, etc. But you won't know because you are blocking yourself off from her.

If I was in your situation I would follow what I outlined above, for enough time to allow you to control or sever your feelings for her. Then you can start to read what she has to say to you, but you can't give her any feedback. She's going to have to work really hard to get you back. You need her to start seeing you as a prize, not just something she can control to get what she wants out of you.

Make sense?

Other's here can give you much better advice, and I hope they do. Someone more experienced than me, please correct me and AK if I am wrong.

Maybe you shuld join your wife, a mean she is after all still your wife.What is the OM gonna say <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you Good_Father your advice is very helpful. I hope I can follow through with these steps. Something interesting happened yesterday during our conversation online. She actually confessed that the day before she had a moment where she missed me. I asked what she was thinking about when she had that moment and she didn't elaborate but it did make me glad to know that I am still in there somewhere and on some level at least, I believe her talking to me means she hasn't completely given up hope. I will be sticking with going through with Plan B unless a miracle happens, which I'm not expecting it to. I'll keep everyone posted.

The encouragement from everyone here has been great I appreciate all of the comments and suggestions during this troubled time.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

During the last conversation with WW on IM she had said some sarcastic comments during our conversations. However, I told her I loved her and said I would talk to her later. She followed that up with "I'm not being mean, I could be, I'm serious". I followed that up with "I'm feeling upset I think it would be best if I should go. I love you. Goodnight." Does that seem reasonable? I am in the middle of plan A and I hate to cut her off but she was being hurtful to me and to avoid me saying anything hurtful I thought it would be best to end the conversation. I logged off and about 20 minutes later I logged back on in invisible mode and there were a few messages. A few of them profanity laden and the last one said "You aren't being fair". What should I make of this? Did I do the right thing? This is so hard guys, I miss my wife but am trying to do all these things to save us. She told me tonight she felt differently about me and I asked "different how?" and she said "not in a loving way". These things hurt me. Please help. I haven't seen or actually spoken to my wife in well over a month and I am hoping to do Plan B soon. Everyday I feel like I should just do it and get it over with but I wanted to wait until she got back to her parents (which she is now) to do Plan B. I want to be in her good graces but if she is mean to me how can I get her attraction to me on such terms? Argh. I am so confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Please help.

So here's an update. After cutting her off she just sent me an offline message saying she was sorry and that she felt like she was walking a tightrope as to what will put me off. She thinks I am afraid of what she may or may not say. She is right. Is this something I should admit to?

Don't admit to anything. She's the one at fault here, not you. You do not need to explain yourself to her. I know this is really hard, and I'm not any good at it either.

What happened last night is a clear example of what is going on with your wife. She wants to be away from you, but she doesn't want to give up her control of you. At the idea of losing control she gets angry.

You did the right thing, you left the conversation when you felt like you were being attacked. You did so without calling her names or swearing. She got mad, but you just let her blow off some steam without responding. If you had responded, we can be pretty certain that things would have gotten a lot uglier. Shortly after she blew up, she responded with an appology. Why did she appologize? Because she knew she was wrong.

Now ideally, your plan B will have the same results. Instead of ending a conversation and getting an appology, you are ending contact and hopefully getting a wife.

When are you starting your plan B? It's only been 2 months since you found out, can you take doing plan A any longer?

Thank you so much GF. I decided to do Plan B after only 2 months because essentially, I feel as if she has no reason to come back here. She has moved in with her parents thousands of miles away and she has no attatchments to where we used to live anymore. I am the only reason to come back and that doesn't seem like a lot. Couple that with me starting classes in the fall plus working full time and I don't know how much time I can invest in Plan A after next week. I'm not sure what to do. I want to Plan B because I think I will be better off for doing it. My patience is wearing thin and my resentment is growing by the day. Especially during her little outbursts followed by unapologetic apologies. I love my wife but she has already talked about getting a job down there and all this long term stuff and I don't know how long I can keep it up. I feel like I need to do what's best for me and I believe that with school and my fulltime job that I won't be able to invest the amount of time needed to continue on Plan A. The only way we talk is through Instant Messenger, she told me she has a cell phone but only in an angry offline tirade last night. And she said she wouldn't give me the number anyway.
Plan A makes me feel horrible as I'm giving her everything and receiving nothing. It makes me so much more resentful of her. I want to say I can keep it up but I also want to make sure that my feelings for her don't turn false if she does come back and I realize I really don't love this person anymore. That scares me. A lot.

I hear you. I'm almost sickened by my wife now. The fact that she is willing to put her daughter through the emotional turmoil of watching her mother drive away to be with someone who is not her daddy absolutely disgusts me.

I've been doing an "on again, off again" plan A for the last 4 months, and I'm to the point now that I'm practically jumping for joy that she is moving away. And I don't love her anymore.

All I can tell myself now is that when she realizes she's made a monumental mistake, I could learn to forgive and love her again, for our daughter's sake.

As far as your situation, don't let yourself run out of love for your wife. For me, my daughter is my motivation; but if you run out of love, you do not not have any other motivation (like children) to get over the resentment and hurt that your wife has caused.

So I guess what I'm saying is this, if you feel that your resentment for your wife is about to overcome your love for her, than get into that plan B. But don't do it just to make your life easier.

Thank you GF. I have read your other posts and I can sympathize with the moving away portion and I am sorry the way things have been working out. I know I'm not supposed to feel so hurt by the things she says and that I'm supposed to let them roll off of my back. I can do that on the surface but deep down it is quite damaging to me. I just don't understand how people can do this sort of thing to each other.

Another thing that bugs me is just how in the dark I am regarding the OM and the status of their relationship. It's very much a mystery to me exactly how serious it truly is. She has not given me any emotional responses regarding OM at all.

So here's the update: I talked to WW today on IM and I kind of blew off what had happened last night. I think it confused her. But anyway near the end of the conversation I told her I was dropping off the apt and mail keys since I have moved out and she said I should keep the mail keys. I asked her why I needed the mail keys and if I should be expecting something from her.

She said, "No not quite, why do you want something?"

I can only assume she is speaking of divorce papers. I quickly diffused this into something innocent so as not to rise suspicion. However, I have also contacted my aunt who works at a law firm to help me get a lawyer in case I go to Plan B, or in case she serves me papers. What do I do if she serves me papers? This has me very worried.

Don't worry. So what if she has you served? What's going to change? She has made it abundantly clear that you two are not acting like a married couple, so now she might be making that true.

If (and when) your plan B works, she can always cancel the divorce paperwork, or if the divorce is final before she comes out of the fog...get remarried!

If you want to see how cruel a WW can be, take a look at my thread...it's almost 90 pages long, but you'll get an idea of how bad things can get!


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

Use it to prepare yourself for more to come, and be thankful you don't have any children that are going to be hurt during this process!

Also, there is a lot of wonderful advice from the true experts on this board in my thread.

A lot of it can be applied to your situation, so we aren't just re-inventing the wheel.

Try to get those Wonderings in here too if you can...they are the most wonderful people you will ever meet. They have a great way of putting everything in perspective.

AKMan,

Do you live in Alaska? If so, I might have some resources who could help you out.

sundog: Yes I do live in Alaska and any help would be definitely appreciated.

I have done some thinking and I may reevaluate going into Plan B this week. I think it would be best for me to talk with a lawyer and get the legal seperation papers ready as well as get the insurance cut off, or at least know how to do that before I go on with Plan B.

I am having a hard time finding a good ground between "mysteriously attractive" and "overly clingy". What are some pointers or strategies I could use to better my conversations and make myself look more attractive?

Can't help you there buddy.

Update: So I am about to send off my Plan B letter. I feel like I am about to end my relationship with my wife. To me, Plan B is what I imagine withdrawal feel like to a WW. I am very frightened at the anger I am going to receive through emails and what not. I will be equally afraid of not receiving any feedback. I nkow that I shouldn't be, but I I could really use some support. I went to see a lawyer yesterday to cover all of my bases and make sure I wouldn't be responsible for her debts while she is away. Can I put a stipulation that along with her NCing the OM that she also return home to me? I am so in the dark as far as the OM is concerned that I'm not sure if it might be over already. I am scared that I may be sending off a Plan B letter that addresses an OM who is already done and gone.

You're going to need more help than I can offer at this point AK. Change the title of your thread to ask the Wonderings what to do.