I posted to you guys about contacting the OM. I changed my screen name, as I have sorta let enough slip that she might look for me here, and that was an old name I used to use.

Well, I went and told her that I know who he is and I know where he lives. Since the revelation of the affair in june, my WW has kept the OM's identity a secret. I am not sure about what she felt she gained by this other than it helped to maintain the fantasy of her affair. I asked why it was so important to torture me with this secret, and she just gives me a bunch of carp about what HE might do if he felt threatened, and she doesn't want me to contact him.

I know that I was afraid of the s**tstorm that would follow, but with your help, I was prepared, and was able to remain quite calm and cool throughout her tirade. MAN WAS SHE PI**ED! I remember that I kept telling myself that I love this woman. I kept telling her too. That is not all I said, but I made sure I got it in there. She of course did not want to hear it, and I didn't press the issue. I informed her that everything that I am doing is because I love her and I am trying to save our marriage and our family.

She was full of threats and accusations. Funny how she seemed so preoccupied with HOW I found out! Just kept asking me questions. Did I have her followed? Did I hire a PI? Was I breaking in her house and snooping? I told her that someday, if we make it through this, I will tell her and we can have a good laugh about it.

She really really really tried to scare me away from contacting this man. Tried to use what she thought was her strongest threat. I nullified the threat pretty easily, and she was crestfallen. Not that I want to hurt her, but I don't want her to think that she can do something that she can't.

I only slipped once, and started lovebusting, but I caught myself. Basically called her a liar. (if you think that was bad, you should hear what she was calling me!) Bad enough though that she brought it up the next day. Gotta remember NO lovebusting!

After a half hour of "conversation" I had to leave for work. Pretty well left her alone, but later that evening she texts me and starts trying to pick a fight. Told me she knows how I know, and even the name of the PI I hired to find out. I didn't play along, and that made her mad. Text went back and forth for a while, and finally she left me alone for the night.

Next morning she calls me early to wake me up. When I told her I was already awake, she was upset, because she wanted to make me mad. But then we started talking. After about an hour, she started to calm down. After another hour, she wasn't mad at me anymore. I was able to explain that I love her, and I am just doing what I have to do to save this family.

Of course everything is not all peaches and cream around here at all. It did help that the OM was out of state all week. I was able to spend a lot of time talking to her every day this week, and hopefully install some love units. She is very afraid of me. She does have reasons to be, because after her affairs nine years ago, I didn't handle things right, and I became verbally abusive. I have robbed her love bank dry, and my challenge to save this family is only made harder by this fact.

She doesn't trust the changes I have made, and that is not only understandable, but I would expect anyone to do the same. She thinks that I am being nice to her so I can set her up for a big whammy. She doesn't trust that I trully want to love her, and protect her, and save our marriage.
I am trying to be as patient as I can, and keep trying to show her genuine care and concern.

Now the OM is coming home tomorrow. She is going down there to see him. I of course am having a bad time about it, but I tried not to show it. I couldn't stop myself before I told her to tell him "Happy Birthday". She says "that was a slam" I said "yes, but not at you, it was aimed at him" I just want to make sure he knows that I know something about him. I want it to make him squirm. Of course this is wishfull thinking, but what the heck.

I hope my revelation is doing some good. Some input would help. She couldn't look me in the eye this evening. I really hope that it is guilt and remorse hard at work in her, and I really hope that it does some damage to her weekend, and her relationship. I really want her to believe that I intend to contact this man at some point. I want him to think so too. I want him to be afraid that I am digging into his history, because I know there is something bad there. In fact, I am really thinking about having the PI do the extra work.

My wife thinks I am going to dig up a bunch of dirt on this guy and then present it to her thinking that it will make her want to leave him, and come back to me. I on the other hand will use anything I can to have him arrested, or found by whoever he is hiding from. I know better than to try to argue her away from him. I kinda think that this guy may have some anger issues. I really hope he does, because I want to make him mad.

Which brings me to my question. I really don't have a lot of information to do a decent exposure. I have his mom's number, but all attempts have resulted in answering machine. I also don't just want to expose to her, and then wait to get more. I did find a forwarded email with about a dozen addresses from his address book. Thought that maybe a small email campain wouldn't hurt. What do you think? These people may or may not be close to him, but it couldn't hurt could it?

Also, I am not sure if i should just do it tonight, or wait till the end of the week and see how it goes with just my revelation at work. Our son's birthday is this week, and I really don't want to ruin it for him by having his mother so mad at me that she makes it impossible to have fun.

So, do I do it now? or wait till the end of the week?

You're already in right now, just let it fly, good and hard.

As far as his mom is concerned, that is not necessarily any great help, other people might count a lot more.
You just might need to keep a baseball bat handy behind your front door. Park your car a block away from home for the next couple of weeks....

Gale, I would not wait to expose this affair. Who are potential exposure targets? You mentioned his mother, that is a GREAT exposure target. What about a wife, his employer? Her parents, siblings and your parents would also be good targets. I would not wait to expose the affair.

Is she openly and brazenly going to meet the OM while living with you? If this is the case, I would expose the affair NOW. Tell her how hurtful and disrespectful her actions are to you and your son. You cannot stop her but you could GO WITH HER. And perhaps even CALL the OM and have a discussion with him. Ask him what his intentions are with your wife and if he knows you are together and have a child.

Your job is to cause as much conflict as possible in her affair!

Please do not show concern and patience with her AFFAIR. DO NOT pretend like this is anything less than extremely painful and disrespectful to you and your son. Plan A does not stand for APPEASEMENT.

All I have are his mother and brother, and a list of email addresses that may just be internet friends. I don't know their connection to him, or influence, but I can hope that they may drop him a line, and tell him some jerk is bugging them about some affair he is supposed to be having. Am I right in my thinking when I see the exposure as not really influencing them to stop but to really just p**s them off? Maybe so I can become the topic of all discussion between them? I really hope so, because like I said, I want to make him mad.

We are not together. She moved out last winter. He came along in spring, when we were supposed to be working on our marriage. Since she had already moved out, she doesn't believe that it is an affair, but she has never even filed for separation, let alone divorce, and all the time this relationship developed, she continued to tell me that she wanted to reconcile.

I will sit here and compose an email to send to all addresses that I have. I have his mom's and brother's email as well. I might as well just us this internet to do the exposing.

Help me with this. Tomorrow is his birthday. She is going down there. She will be furious if I call him, and I bet he will too. Would it be a good idea to call him while she is there? If I do, what do I say. I don't get the whole "what are your intentions?" thing. This is really going to rock my world as well as hers. I may not see my son for a while after that.

The purpose of exposure is not to piss them off, but to cause conflict in the affair. They are able to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others when forced to explain it. Affairs thrive on secrecy for this very reason. It is sort of like bringing in a crowd of ppl into the crack house to watch the crackheads smoke crack; takes all the fun out of it!

I would call him before she gets there and tell him you are trying to save your marriage for you and your son and what are his intentions with your wife? THEN, proceed to call his mother, brother and her family, if any. [don't forewarn him or her]

If she withholds your son as punishment, you will want to get with an attorney.

When she calls you up screaming, I wouldn't answer the phone. Just let her scream and carry on to the OM. That should make his birthday very nice! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

is it possible that this would backfire and drive her into his arms more deeply? Or will it just look that way for a while. She swears that is all I am doing with my attempts. Please tell me you've heard this all before.

She is already IN HIS ARMS, so I am not sure what you mean by that. It will make the affair very uncomfortable and that is your goal. Yes, we have heard it all before. She will tell you what she needs to tell you to get you to NOT interfere with her affair. She will make all manner of threats to SHUT YOU UP, so don't even pay it any mind. Would you listen to the words of a falling down drunk and take advice from them on how best to seperate them from the drink?

Thanks, I needed that. I am not afraid of upsetting her. I am concerned about the timing, as it is my son's birthday this week, and he is already having a hard time because he knows that something is wrong, and I don't want her to ruin it for him.

She is so believeable when she says that there is no chance for us to get back together, and I guess it can work on me sometimes. Any good links to successful exposure stories would be nice.

Gale, she may be believable because she believes it herself. However, she is confused and her mind will change daily just like a typical WS. I don't know what you mean by "successful exposure stories," though. Exposure, on its own, probably won't end the affair. It one arm of a comprehensive plan to ruin the affair and save the marriage. Rarely does exposure ALONE end the affair, but it will hasten the death of the affair by ruining the fantasy. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone is watching you and knows what you are really doing.

Thought I'd throw this is for ya.

I just copied it from another thread I posted to a couple days ago. Some of it seems to answer your questions. I hope you are not the same poster with a new name as then this will just be redundant, again. lol

_________________________

3 levels of marital relations:

1. Intimacy
2. Conflict
3. Withdrawal

Your wife could not be MORE withdrawn from you if she and you tried. Her interaction has one purpose only, to manipulate you to accept the status quo so that she can keep her options open. The problem is she's addicted an unable to, with certainly, "decide" or "choose" which option she wants.

That being said, "Conflict" is a step up in the relational paradigm. Getting her engage in conflict with you and angry IS a relationship. Exposure can achieve that without having to actually fight (which if and when you do DO NOT LOVE BUST). CONFLICT is better than what you've got and at the same time exposure makes the "option" of OM less stimulating, attractive, passionate, etc. She and he will constantly have to consider what YOU are doing to interfer next with their addiction to each other. She will be in crisis mode, not you. OM and her have to spend a lot of time and energy discussing and minimizing your effect on their insiduous relationship and then have less time to really be criticizing, lieing about and ridiculing you.

Another thing OM's always do and say. They exhibit within the secretive affair false bravado. The sense that THEY are somehow more manly than you. They say "If you were my princess I'd never stand for what you and I are doing...I kick my butt" <insert snicker> "your husband is a dofus and a fool...doesn't he know how special you are". Thing is, OM's are cockroaches. They cower in the light. They hide. They FEAR you. You don't need to threaten them explicity...they inherently know they could get their [censored] kicked at any moment. I do suggest a few very loosely implied threats (don't ever risk getting yourself in trouble...no real threats, OM ain't worth your freedom), these implied threats you covertly deliver via your wayward wife and never directly to the OM. You say stuff innocuously like:

*where does OM work again???
*what kind of car does he drive??? followed by "I thought that was him"
*What time does OM usually go to bed?
*what is OM's address or city??
*Does OM know how big I am (or how tough I am)???

Sidenote----<I myself reminded my wife I used to do a lot of Golden Gloves boxing in my youth...which she, predictably, brought up with OM very soon thereafter...via recordings you should have heard how much his ears picked up when she said that. He didn't act scared (he was 750 miles and false bravada keeps them from acting fearful in front of WW)...but was quite inquisitive. I'm also Greek. I completely joked that my dad was somehow connected with the Greek Mafia and my family had "connections"...which she jokingly repeated to OM. Completely untrue, but OM takes everything that threatens his personal security very seriously. He knows/thinks it may be coming. On the other hand your wife knows YOU, trusts you and knows you are just kidding, however, your WW loves to repeat that stuff and have OM repeat how tough he is and how he'd fight for her. Remember this...AFFAIR RELATIONSHIPS are juvenile. WW's act like high school women and get a rush off the thought of men fighting over them she'll repeat ANY ridiculous implied threat you give her and OM WILL be scared, just not overty>>>>.

You want OM to have the impression HE is a target. OM's get nervous and the relationship becomes slightly more complicated.

Finally, even the slightest complication has BIG effects. OM's and WW's are VERY insecure about their drug of choice quitting on them. He knows the marriage is his biggest threat. If OM senses your wife pulling back at all (even by talking about you a bit to much) he starts acting manipulative, controlling, suspicious and pyscho. This makes WW nervous and either she starts getting nervous and desparate cause she senses OM is backing off OR she begins to pull away ever so slightly from OM which further maddens the dynamic.

Again, like MWIL said, EXPOSURE is like a virus. The effects will appear small to begin with. Perhaps completely unnoticeable to you (in anger she will tell you over and over it had NO EFFECT). Just trust me, the emotional investment and anger directed at you (THE MORE THE BETTER) will make it seem like it was a HUGE mistake. However, it's not. It's the best and often ONLY weapon you have at your disposal to bust up that affair. Unless you are extremely lucky, you WILL end up doing it eventually...how else are you going to explain your divorce to everyone??? So might as well go down swinging and the sooner the better.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - btw, men fear exposure also because they falsely feel that their wife's affair is somehow their fault or portrays to others your inability as a man to keep your woman in line. This is your issue. Her affair is not, in any way, your fault. You must accept that. Sure, the underlying marital problems you helped create. But those are a 50-50 proposition. Adultery is a 100% fault offense of the adulterer. I suggest to cast aside such false machismo fear and actually be a man/husband and fight for your wife/marriage with every available weapon at your disposal. Men are good with weapons....just do it.

Mr. Wondering,




My post, which was ignored by Gale44, was designed to push him to act like a man. NEVER discount the respect that a man standing up to a threat on his M , wife and family has on ALL involved, but especially on the WW and OM.

This threat needs to be faced one on one, with no witnesses, and needs to be short on words and long on implication.

Thanks MrWondering, I did see that post, and I did take it to heart. It has been a source of much courage, and determination in my task. As far as ignoring Cymanca, I don't understand. did I some how ignore a post on the board(is there an option somewhere?), or did I just not take your advice? I am drinking up every word you people give me, and I am praying about it whole heartedly.

I called the OM this morning. Called his house about four times with no answer, so I called his cell. he answered and I introduced myself. I read to him from a prepared statement, in the hopes of not making any unnecessary mistakes. Here is what I said.

""Stop this affair with my wife. I love her, and I want nothing more than to save my marriage. I cannot do this with you in the picture. If you have a decent bone in your body, you will cease all contact with my wife today. You are free to find any woman in the whole world, why do you have to destroy my marriage and my family? This relationship is destroying my sons family, and you have the power to stop it. I do not know what WW has told you. I do not know if you are even aware of the truth. I don't care what you know, I just want you out of her life.

I love this woman, and I am going to fight to save my marriage, and my family. I am not going to give up, and I will stop at nothing to do this."" I then hung up without giving him a chance to respond. I did not want to engage in any conversation at that time.

Not perfect, but it let him know how I felt, and it let him know that I know who he is. Could have been done better, but it was 1am when I wrote it.

I left the house, and took my son to the store. While at the store my WW called my cell, and she gave me heck about calling him. Threatening that she is going to file tomorrow. And almost in the same breath saying that if I want to have a chance I better stop now. I only told her that I love her and I am trying to save our marriage.

She is almost certain that I am going to show up there today. Oh, and if I do, I'll be in so much trouble. In a way, I wish I could show up, but not today. I am going to send an email to all of the contacts that i can find. Ask his friends and family to ask him to stop the affair. She is threatening and threatening that I will not get what I want by doing these things. She says I will not get her back by contacting him. But, if I don't, I have already lost her. I have learned that everything that she tells me not to do, is actually what she seems to want me to do. Go figure.

So the second S**tstorm has come. I doubt that it is over, so I might as well make it a doozy, and show my cards. Afterwards, I will certainly lose one source of information, but it has served it's purpose, and I will have to live without it. I am scared as ******, but I am doing it anyway. Today I am a man.

You my friend have discovered the secret of strength and courage

The courage is in the doing.

Fight on.

Mr. W

Well, I must admit that I don't feel so good today. Everything that I did yesterday seems to have worked against me. I know that it probably will look that way, and I must be patient. I am just a little low today. She told me that she wants a divorce. I am convinced that this whole affair is really about her wanting to escape from me, not so much run to him. He seems to represent a safe place to her for some reason, and I am powerless to do much about it other than what I did yesterday. I am trying so hard to trust in god to give me the strength I need to keep hanging in there. I just sense that I am going to need to pull back soon. I will not try to stop her from filing. I will just try to negotiate for our son's sake.

What do you think. Should I try to keep her from letting this man around our son? Or should I just let her do what she wants to do? I have been trying to keep this man out of my son's life, but my mom thinks that maybe our son should see what his mom is up to. I don't want to put him through that, but I am so unsure. I really could use some help on this.

Will it hurt planB if I try to make her stay in our school system so that our son can go to school here? That might preserve the fantasy that OM's place offers by making her still have to travel to see him. I don't know?

I will look into planB better, cause it will probably be here sooner than I want.

Thanks

Stand tall and don't support her A financially or otherwise. Absolutely, tell her that it is unacceptable for your son to be around OM and if she does then you will do what you need to do (don't elaborate or anything).

Tell her you exposed the A in hopes of killing it for it is the only chance you and she have to restore your M and save you Son from the pain of divorce.

Collect information, document all of her activities, your time with your son, everything in case it ends poorly and you want primary physical custody of your son.

Hang in there and you have taken one of the best steps towards breaking up fantasyland, now who else can this A be exposed to? (OM's wife, family, friends, work, her work, her friends, family, etc). Do it, don't warn or tell her just do it. Keep repeating your mantra of "protecting our family and saving our M and protecting our son, etc" when she gets angry and threatens.

BRAVO!! Keep up the pressure and get this all done now. Don't give them a chance to relax or REGROUP, get this all done in ONE FELL SWOOP to acheive the maximum impact. I would start with his mother, his brother and then his email contacts TODAY.

GOOD JOB!

Well, that didn't go so well. My WW calls me on my way to work today and chewed me a new one. It is over. It is so over now. She is furious about the emails, and of course, they explained everything to these people. Seems that I have been abusive to my wife AND son, and I guess I threatened to Kill the OM! I do not see how this is ever going to turn in my favor, and I am so beside myself right now. I am going to have to let go, and go to PlanB, but at this moment I am so lost, and feeling kinda hopeless. I just can't imagine what this wicked SOB is filling her head with.

I have asked her not to let him near my son, and of course on my way home guess who's over to her house. I stopped, and she said "I told you not to contact him."

She is just so in control right now, and I am so lost.

thats part of the script you still did the right thing so dont think otherwise
when i exposed to my wifes family and the other guys shes mad too but thats part of the process dont worry so much tonight in a week itll be alot calmer
i had to be done good job

by the way your in more control than you know ,,,,,,,you just have to figure it out on your own
its there you just have to find it keep posting