Well, I still don't think it was worth it. She is filling for divorce next week, and Swears that I have sealed the deal with the OM because I aired her private life to people. I don't know where this is going, but I am really doubting the whole exposure thing right now. One sent back and called me a loser. One just told me that he is a dirt bag and I should move on. I will wait and see, but I have felt like crap all day.

She called me on my way home, and we talked for two hours. I really hurt her bad. With this exposure, and with our life before. I don't think she is lying either. I just am so torn. I haven't been the best husband. I don't deserve to keep her, but I just want him out of the picture so we could have a chance.

You realize a successful exposure is designed to pizz off the WS and threatening a D is what a WS is suppose t/d.

When she does, just let her spew. As for your son. Go check into legal custody and do a background check on the OM. If you can legally keep him away (questionable character, RO filing if possible), then do so. Do it with legal guidance (lawyer, police, etc.)

Remember she will spew. Then she may cry and beg you to stop. Either way it is to control you. You don't want t/b controlled by a WS. So do what you need for you not to satisfy the WS. The WS wants you to suffer. Don't suffer or show u r suffering.

Expect the WS t/b pizzed all the time.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

take care,
L.

WOW! You exposed and she didn't come over and give you a MEDAL!!? I am shocked!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

C'mon. Did you expect a MEDAL for interfering with her affair? Why do you think she is so angry? If you weren't interfering with her affair, there would be no response.

Please understand what is happening here. You ARE interfering with her affair and SHE WANTS YOU TO STOP! That is why she is making THREATS! So, pay it no mind and keep doing what you are doing.

If she is dragging your son into her sleazy, filthy affair, then get a seperation agreement that disallows this. Many folks here have that.

Did you expose to the OM's mother and brother as we had discussed?


Please stop with this crazy thinking. Exposure hurt her AFFAIR and the OM. When you take the crack pipe away from the crack addict are you "hurting him?" Do you expect them to give you a KISS?

Think this THROUGH, Gale, and stop reacting emotionally to her selfish TIRADES designed to shut you up and put you back into submission.

You are never going to win this battle if you are so easily manipulated by a little anger. Your marriage CAN SURVIVE a little anger, it CANNOT SURVIVE a long term affair.

Gale, winning your marriage back from an affair is not an easy thing. And you have no hope of winning if you are going to so easily throw in the towel when things get tough! This is ALL GOING TO BE TOUGH!! That doesn't mean you PRE-EMPTIVELY SURRENDER when the enemy [the affair] yells at you! But that is exactly what you are doing. You ain't going to win anything if you play surrender monkey at the first shot, my friend.

OK, at least I got a reaction! thanks really, I needed that! My last post sounded pathetic, I know, I think I was just crying for help.

Honestly, the other day, I really thought I was ready for it, but when it hit, I was blindsided. She knows me so well, and she can work me really good sometimes. I was already having second thoughts about if I did the right thing, because I've never done this before. Her anger wasn't hard to take, but the tears are hard for me. I am a born peace maker, and I hate that about myself. I do not handle conflict well. So, like I said, I am doubting my actions, and she is crying, and I just start feeling like a heel. I know I know, toughen up, and fight the good fight. But I have been flapping my jaw at her way too much, and I realized that I have been bombarding her with disrespectful judgements. So again I start doubting myself, and She just seemed to get the upper hand for a while.

It is hard to argue with someone when you cannot tell them that they are wrong. I mean, I can tell her she is wrong, but then I might as well shut up because the mike gets turned off. When she is angry, she is so believable. I kept telling her that I am sorry that she feels hurt, but I am not sorry for what I did.

She has changed her angle, and is now trying to convince me that my verbal abuse, drove her love for me away years ago. Trying to make me feel guilty for scarring her. She swears that she is frightened of me, and I am the boogy man to her. I can see where I might fit that image, because I fell into rage and pain after her affairs nine years ago, and we both made a mess of things. I said some things that I can't take back, and she is using them for an excuse for what she is doing. But all of that can be addressed in counseling, and of course her goal is to get rid of me.

I don't know if she was trying to play it up this morning when she brought our son over, but she acted really scared of me, and somehow managed to get her feeling hurt in a matter of minutes. Like a moron, I follow her out to her car trying to appease her (how do I stop this?) but I told her we should call a truce for our son's sake. Tomorrow is his birthday, and we are all supposed to go out to eat. I know that with her attitude, it will be an execise in futility.

She liked the idea of the truce, because it means peace from me "badgering" her. Unfortunately, I can't let a good thing lay. I texted her best friend, and asked her if my wife had told her that the OM had beat his wife and stepdaughter(I did not make that up). This evening WW texts "Nice Truce" Right now I wonder why I couldn't wait until friday to do that. I want a good day for my son, and now I will feel like I ruined it even when it is her with the attitude.(gotta stop this BS don't I)

So, while I am ready and willing to fight the fight, I obviously have a few holes in my armor. I could use some advice on where to go from here. I have been thinking of just pulling back. Kindoff a pre planb sorta thing. I don't know really. I am getting tired, and my health is paying the price. I looked in the mirror today, and I could swear that I had my stomach stapled. I am gaunt. I can't fight when I'm weak, and my brain is getting fuzzy. I will try to eat something in the morning.

How do I work with her, without looking desparate? How do I work with her period?

Oh, and I didn't call mom and brother, but I emailed them along with the others. Sorta not sure if i should follow up now with mom or not. He's had days to spew his lies, and I am sure a call might be considered harassment.

my WW has pretty much dropped the curtain on her own affair. She has had him come over every night this week and says she doesn't care if the whole town knows. That is sorta hard to work with. But, if she's flaunting it, then I can too. I can tell anyone I want that I think might help. Can't do a very good planb while we still own that d**n store. Can't find a buyer either.

I know, I'm rambling. Gotta go to bed.

Gale, you are not going to get too far if you keep allowing her crazy rantings to divert you from you path to save your marriage. You have to stay on course and stop allowing a few fireworks to send you fleeing to your foxhole. You will lose the battle quickly if you run screaming at a few sparklers!

I would CALL the mother and the brother and ask for their help in saving your marriage. That cause might be lost because you hesitated, but it is worth a try. Also, tell his mother that you will be going for a restraining order to keep your child out of their sleazy affair and because her son is a wife beater. Do you have evidence that he beat up his W and step daughter? Can you call the police station and get this information?

Tell your W that your son is not to be exposed to her sleazy boyfriend and get your attorney to specify this in LS papers. Have him NAME the OM in the papers. This will put great pressure on her affair and give her an awakening if she cannot bring your boy around her OM. She should not be allowed to use your boy to normalize her sleazy affair and give it a false air respectibility.

In the meantime, i see you getting completely sidetracked from your mission by some FIREWORKS. She goes blah, blah, blah, and you say "HOW HIGH, HONEY" and you have all but forgotten your mission. You are going to lose this war very quickly if you get so easily sidetracked by a few fireworks. That will not work anymore, Gale. You can see that appeasement and buttkissing a crazy woman who is in the throes of her affair has landed you exactly NOWHERE. And it sure will get you nowhere to abandon your whole plan just because she doesn't like it. She isn't supposed to like it!

So, stop the buttkissing, stop "backing off" in your PLAN to bust up her affair. Stop asking for "truce" when you are under fire. The only "truce" that will suffice is the END OF THE AFFAIR. Her being nice to you is NOT THE GOAL HERE, remember? The goal here is to END HER AFFAIR AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, not get some crumbs from her.

And....stop being annoying.


When she tries to manipulate you about "her hurt" [sniff...snifff....... ] be sure and remind her that you are very "HURT" by her affair. You are sure sorry the consequences of her affair are so hurtful. Her affair has "hurt" many people. KEEP TELLING HER THIS!

Is this "counselor" facilitating the divorce for her? Because that is usually the case.

I think the counselor wants to save our marriage, but is concentrating on WW's personal self image. Don't know really, because WW says she doesn't do everything the IC tells her to.

Melodylane, I really could use some advice on where to go. Do I just keep talking to her? Talking only seems to strengthen her resolve. She says she was beginning to let her guard down, and then I pulled this "stunt" She can really work this to her advantage, and I cannot argue that we were happy. I can only argue that we can be, if she will give it a chance, but with him in the picture, she won't consider. I am really thinking that all I have left is planB. But I'm not sure.

I am not giving up. Believe me. I am just confused about the next step. She wants me to back off. So perhaps I should stop talking to her, at least as much as I have been, and just be nice to her. Of course when someone asks her about the affair, then I get another volley. He of course is standing by her, and supporting her, and making himself look so good to her, and I know that this will happen, but where is the hook? Is it just letting him have her, and back off, and let him meet ALL of her needs?

Gale, yes you should keep talking to her, but you can stop debating with her. Stop pleading and begging, but do not fail to let her know that her affair is very hurtful to you.

In the meantime, expose to the OM' mother and brother and contact your attorney about protecting your child from this man. Keeping your son away from this sleazy affair with a thug is tantamount.

Do those things first, Gale. She will respect you much more for taking a stand against her affair and for your son.

Secondly, going to counselng while there is an ongoing affair is a complete waste of time that is probably causing more harm than good. This C is helping her pursue her own selfish interests at the expense of the marriage. The POINT of MC is to RECOVER the marriage, but there is no recovery as long as she is in an affair.

Also, is she using family money to finance her affair digs? Have you protected yourself financially?

And yes, you should be thinking about Plan B, but you can't do that if you see each other every day at work. What do you suggest?

AND MOST OF ALL, STOP ALLOWING HER TO SCARE YOU OFF WITH HER ANGER!! You must ignore it!

Well, I don't know why I keep writting posts, just to have the silly page tell me it is expired, and I lose everything I wrote. I posted this morning, and lost it. So we'll try again.

So, we actually all went out as a family today to celebrate our son's birthday. After my little "stunt" yesterday, I really figured it would be a nightmare. I must give her credit. She did better than I expected. She does not want to be around me at all, and that was still obvious. But she didn't have that scowl on her face like the last few times we've been together.

Oh, she made sure to get a few jabs in here and there. She had to make sure I understand that last week I was so nice, and she was actually letting her guard down a little bit, and then I pulled the exposure thing, and I just p**sed it all away. She really thought that we might be able to be "friends". That word struck such a cord with me. Pure fantasy. That is where she is. She has no clue that there is no chance in h**l for us to be friends if this marriage ends this way. I do not say that out of spite, or vindictivness. It is just that I will have to withdraw, and I will not want to see or speak with her.

It also showed me that I could be nice until the cows come home, and she would never decide to come running back into my arms. In her mind we are so so over. And it was that way in her mind, before I pulled my little "stunt"

I didn't expose to people around our town, for one reason, she has no close friends except the one I told yesterday. And I didn't want to hurt our business any more than it is already suffering. She was sure trying to find out who I've told though. I am thinking of telling some people, but I don't know if it will work or not. I don't just want to expose to embarass her. I want to reach someone that will possibly make an impact if they talk to her.

I really don't think I can call the OM's mother now. I emailed her along with his brother and all the others on sunday. I know that he has told these people that I threatened to kill him, and If I call her now, I may get some kind of trouble that I don't want.

I am also still struggling with talking to her mother. The woman is sick, and is not always there mentally. I don't know if she knows about the OM or not.

Before last sunday, my WW had honored my wishes not to expose our son to OM(to an extent). But the SOB was at her house every night this week. She used the fact that I called him as her justification to not honor my wishes anymore. She told me today, that he wanted them(WW and son) to come spend the weekend with him. NO NO NO! I said "I called him once, and spoke to him for 30 seconds. You are not taking our son down there." She then tells me that I better get my mom to watch him then. So, good, I prevented this one, but she will try and try again. It is so hard to see this beast that occupies the same space that my loving wife used to.

Can't see the lawyer till thursday, hope nothing major happens until then. I have decided to pull back, and not push too much. Give myself some space, and try to enjoy the weekend with my son. I'm gonna make ribs for my folks on sunday I guess, and try not to think about what she is doing. This will be her first weekend down there since my exposure, so it could be interesting to see her attitude when she gets back. I don't think I will count on anything though.

As for preparing for planB, I gotta sell the store. We'll probably be bankrupt by fall anyway if I don't. She is taking money out to pay for gas and bills and stuff, but she hasn't been working a whole lot. I am working a second shift job, and then going to the store to do the books afterwards. She is getting the money, and I am doing the work. I can't do much about it but get rid of it. Just pretty hard to find a buyer. The value of the business has already lost about 30% in the last year. I really believe that getting that store out of our lives will help to open her eyes to the real world and to what I really have been doing for her these last nine years. She ain't going to be liking putting gas in that big SUV on a walmart salary.

Is she MENTALLY RETARDED and not able to comprehend your words? Is she in an old folks home and not coherent anymore? If she is not, I would suggest you call her. This is a KEY EXPOSURE that is critical to ruining this affair. Why did you not expose to her mother on the FIRST DAY? That should have been the first exposure. YOUR family members should also be told.

And HIS MOTHER should be CALLED, ESPECIALLY since he has lied to her about you. You should at least try to set the record straight and ask for her help in breaking up this family.

In the meantime, close down your bank account so she is no longer plundering it. Let her get a job and get her own money. You should not be financing her affair.

Gale, you are spinning your wheels. This stuff cannot be avoided. She will be angry and it will be hard, but if you don't get to work you are going to lose your marriage to an affair.

Her mother has cancer in the brain. She is in the nursing home, and sorta comes and goes. I don't think she is as bad as my WW says she is though. I know that I should tell her, if she doesn't already know. I just didn't want to get my FIL involved because that would be counterproductive. I will call her today.

As far as his mom, what will i say. If she just hangs up, do I keep calling back? Do I leave a message on her machine? She recieved the email, like the others, what else do I tell her? How do I convince her that they are lying? I will try to call her, and I hope she will talk to me.

Thanks, keep pushing me. It "seems" that every time I expose to someone, it hurts my case. It "seems" that everything that I do, seems to work against me. I need your input. I appreciate your help. I know you don't have to.

Well, lets discuss this. Is her mother terminally ill in a nursing home? Is she dying? Why would it be counterproductive to tell your FIL?

Call his mom, disguising your # and speak to her directly. I wouldn't suggest leaving a message.


That is because you believe it is a NEGATIVE thing when your W gets mad. BUT IT IS NOT. The goal here is not to appease her to keep her CALM, but to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE by busting up her affair. When you take the crack pipe away from the crack addict, do you expect to get roses and kisses? It is the same principle.

If you are effectively wreaking havoc on her affair, she will be FURIOUS. But you need to get ALL OF YOUR EXPOSURES done NOW so we can move onto the next step. Dragging this out only minimizes the effectiveness.

What other exposure targets have you not mentioned? Does your WW have any influential siblings? What does the OM do for a living? If there is anyone who might have an impact, please consider them too and do it TODAY.

Everytime you expose, it hurts the AFFAIR, it doesn't "hurt your case." You are going to have to get a little bloody here if you are going to win the war against the affair.

Wife has no other family but her mother. My FIL is her stepfather(her father died years ago), and the two of them do not get along. I do not believe that he would use the information with her best interest in mind.

The OM does not work! She doesn't even know where he gets his money! He told her he is on unemployment, but that's been four months now, and I don't know how long they pay before they shut you off, but I thought it was six months.

There might be a few customers at the store, but I am afraid of gossip mongers. I don't know if any of them would help or not. I told one customer, and I know she respects this man, and now she won't let him get close to her.

My mom wants to talk to her, so far I have told her not to, but I think it won't hurt now. Of course WW doesn't want to talk to my mom, so maybe I have done the wrong thing by asking her to hold back.

I feel so stupid right now, because I thought I was doing everything right, and here I only did it half arsed.

Well, exposure is over. I am not doing this to myself anymore. I have told people, and noone seems to give a s**t. Move on Move on Move on, is about all I hear. I called my FIL to ask for MIL's phone number at the nursing home. He and I talked, and they know there is another man. I am not going to try to get them to side with me(not trying to get anyone on any side but OUR side), because MIL is in fragile shape, and FIL is no ally. So they know, and don't seem to care. I guess that doesn't say much for me huh.

Cannot reach his mother, but I sent some copies of emails that went back and forth with OM's cousin. I am just sick and tired of being called a bas*ard twelve times a day whenever my WW discovers someone else has been told. I may still talk to some people here in town, what does it matter now? She is going to the lawyer tomorrow to file for divorce, because she says I pushed her into it. Bull**it! Maybe I helped rush it a bit, but I didn't make her do a da*n thing.

Since I showed signs of weakness last week, she has been trying to play it up big time. She says I am the Boogyman to her, and she is afraid of me. I better start planb soon, while there is still some love to save here. I do love her, but am thinking more and more that I'm wasting my time. I am not giving up mind you, but I don't really know where to go now.

Got an offer on the store this morning. I all but hung up on him because it was an insult. The vultures know that our marriage is in big trouble, so they want to profit from our misfortune. I tried to talk to her about the offer, and told her that if we go to negotiate a sale that she needs to be there. She doesn't want to have anything to do with it, says she don't know nothing about that stuff. BUT, if I agree to sell our store for a certain price, she will certainly come back and say that I undersold it to try to punish her for what she is doing.

Everything and I mean everything that ever went wrong with this entire world is all my fault these days, and oh my god how could I ever do that to her with the exposure "stunt" It was like I threw her out on stage butt naked. There is no way that she will ever feel safe with me now. What else am I hearing alot of these days. And telling her that what she is doing to me hurts too, only gets the old "throwing it back in my face" speech. This beast is wicked, and cunning, and I am uncertain how to tread. I am trying to just shut up and leave her alone for the most part. If we talk, our problems invariably come up. I do not believe that it is always me that is bringing them up. But the result is the same. She is hateful, and I just have to end the encounter.

She said that here she thought that she was starting to feel safe with me, and maybe we would be able to have some sort of relationship when this is all over.(meaning the divorce) I told her that if we divorce, we will not have a relationship. This, of course, really made her angry. Why? I don't know. But why does she want to have a relationship with me, if she doesn't want to be married to me? Why does she want to be friends with me if I am the Boogyman?

What do I say? Or do I just shut up, sell the store and move into planB while I wait for the divorce to be final?

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...


Translation: she was starting to feel she could get away with having this affair right under your nose with no complaint. If you are nicer to her and don't interfere with her affair, she might send you a Christmas card when all this is over! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

All fogtalk spoken by a FOGHORN. I don't think you are going to get an AWARD for exposing her, Gale. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So, I would stop expecting one and STOP allowing her FOGHORN bleatings to so upset you. You are in a war for your marriage and you are getting sidetracked by FIREWORKS.

So, the focus should be on CALMING DOWN and not reacting to her FOGHORN craziness. She is not supposed to be nice to you right now because she is in an affair and is trying to destroy your marriage. Be pleasant and polite, but be FIRM about the harm she is causing you and stick to your guns. Don't allow her threats to sidetrack you, ok?

Don't bother attempting to sell the business and don't listen to her divorce talk. Tell her that you "don't do divorce, you only do marriage." And then SMILE. Don't agree to anything and don't make it easyon her. Just make sure she doesn't plunder your money to finance her affair. Protect your assets!




This is what I warned you about before. This attempt to be your "friend" is designed to get you to shut up and play nice while she destroys you. If you don't go along or if you object to her cruel treatment, then it makes her uncomfortable. But if you will just be "quiet" and be her "friend" then she won't have to face the consequences of her actions. So, just tell her that you are not here to be her "friends," you are her HUSBAND. Besides, would you be "friends" with someone lies and cheats on you??

Gale,

Tell her get a lawyer, do what she thinks is right. Get yourself a lawyer to protect yourself and to learn the rules of D in your state. Then when she tells you about D and all the other fog talk tell her "I don't do D, I do MB!" "If you want to talk D talk to my lawyer" and hand her his card. Do not get sucked into the Fog talk, do not feel bad about exposure or anything else. One day she will wake up and thank you for fighting the good fight and winning!

Gale,

Please do not pursue exposure with her mother any longer since she's in a nursing home with cancer. Please do not believe anything your WW spouse says right now....in many ways....she's as sick as her mother. Unless you want a divorce....don't help that process by selling your business or filing anything. However, getting good legal advice and securing your finances can be done without filing for divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Sorry you're hurting.

Gale, I missed this part. Please don't stop your mother from talking to her. Don't protect her from the consequences of the affair. She needs to hear your mother's displeasure and she needs to KNOW that she has been exposed to her.

Now she tells me that everyone that has talked to her has told her to divorce me. She paints a bad picture of me, but I have been a very bad husband. I cannot deny that I have been a raging alchoholic, and my anger has destroyed her love for me. All I can do is say that I have changed, and I am not going to let the alchohol rule my life anymore. All I can say is that the anger is gone, and it has been replaced by understanding, and forgiveness.

She is convinced, and convincing others that I am crazy, and my exposure just seems to reenforce that view. She said that the IC told her that I need to see a doctor. I don't want to believe the words that come out of her mouth. I try to take them with a grain of salt, but I don't doubt that they are saying these things.

She knows that I am coming here for advice, and she says that you are all a bunch of holier than thou types, and you are misleading me. Please help me deal with this. I don't want to doubt myself, but I must admit that I am struggling with all of this. I cannot seem to come back with anything to defend myself, and my actions, I keep telling her that I love her, and I am trying to save our family to which she says "what family?" I tell her that i know we are disfunctional, but we can fix it.

I figure that we will talk to these people about selling the store, but she must be there. I do want that store out of my life, but I don't want to give her more reason to leave. Sounds like she intends to file regardless. She is very stubborn.