Gale,

If you can't deny that you are an alchoholic and have trouble controlling your anger....what are you doing to address those things? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please stop defending yourself and trying to debate with her. You are trying to reason with a DRUNK. Do you understand? She is an addict under the influence so STOP IT! Would you take seriously the words of a falling down drunk? Just tell her, "I am sorry you are upset, dear." Smile sweetly.

And stop listening to her threats and rants. Lots of ppl "intend" to get divorced. We hear that everyday on this forum. Rarely do they ever follow through, but even if she does, it most certainly doesn't mean all is lost. IT IS NOT!


You are an alcoholic? Are you practicing? Are you in a program of recovery?

I admit that I am an alchoholic. I have known for quite a few years, but I haven't been willing to do much about it. I tried a few times to quit, but not with much sincerity. I tried last winter, and it made her mad at me. I was weak, and I started up again.

When she hit me with this bombshell, I don't know what happened, but I stopped drinking, and I haven't had any desire to take a drink since. I know that she has to think that if she came back to me, I would start up again, but I believe sincerely that even if I don't get her back, I don't ever want to start up again. I think that when I called out to god to help me with this affair, and I asked him to forgive me for being stubborn and proud, he touched me, and his love and forgiveness have helped keep the desire to drink away. This is not to mean that I believe that I am cured of anything, but I really don't want it.

For years, I have been using beer as a crutch. I have rationalized that it was the only friend I had left. My wife didn't want me anymore, so I might as well drown my sorrows. Little did I realize that it was causing her to reject me. This is my ultimate love buster, and I may not deserve to get her back because of it. At the same time, I don't want her to rush into the arms of the OM to get away from me. I know that I am willing to do anything I have to to never drink again. I don't know if AA will help, but I am willing to try. My experience with AA is a bunch of people that seem to be bitter about the fact that they cannot drink anymore. I know that is not correct, but that was my impression.

Perhaps this changes things. Perhaps you may just think I should let her go now. I don't want to give up on her. I still believe that there is a chance. I just cannot reach her by talking, and about the only other thing I can do is let her go. I have been a good husband other than this, but this is pretty big. I feel shame and remorse, but that don't get her back. I feel that if she wanted to, she could find forgiveness for me, and we could work together, but she really really doesn't want to. She says it has been eight months, and she did want to but not now. She swears it is not because OM, but I don't believe her. It IS because of OM, and if he weren't there, she might try.

I must continue to hope, and keep loving her. I hurt her real bad when I got upset. I only got upset when I was drinking. I was hurting, and I didn't know what to do. So I lashed out at her for rejecting me. What a mess I have made.

No....I do NOT think you should let her go...or that you deserve to be cheated on!! If she was unhappy with the alcholism....she had many many ethical choices besides cheating.

But I do think that you've got to concentrate on all the parts of Plan A....and stopping love busters is one of them. Your marriage needs to be an attractive alternative to the affair.....and returning to someone with drinking and anger problems....is not going to be really attractive until you can consistently show you've change. Right now, your changes aren't believable....you understand that. With a big issue like this one....you've got to demonstrate your commitment consistently. YES....go to AA...not just for her but for YOU. Yes....seek help for your anger issues. Right now....all she's seeing is exposure....and while that's a powerful tool....void of stopping love busters....it can look like vindictiveness because she's not seeing the effort to improve yourself with as much fervor.

Gale, I think I better understand your situation now and can see why she left you. This was probably an exit affair because she just became fed up with being #2 in your life. [alcohol is #1] You may have lost your wife over your drinking, Gale, I don't see how you are going to get her back until you try and recover.

I hope that you understand the gravity of what has happened here and will stem the loss by getting help for your drinking problem. Because if this doesnt wake your [censored] up, it CAN and WILL get worse. You can lose MUCH more, and will continue to lose until you get into recovery. Some alcholics have such a LOW bottom that it takes sitting in jail or living under a bridge to wake them up. I hope you aren't one of those. It will get progressively worse until you do something about it.

Just stopping drinking is not doing something about it. If that is really true, then I assure you it is just a matter of time until you start back again. We can sober up with a gun to our head if we really have to. But it never lasts, because it is not a matter of will power, but a matter of RECOVERY, something you are not doing.

Do something about your drinking, Gale, so you have a hope to save your marriage. Just stopping drinking is not addressing the living problem that led to your drinking and your abusive behavior. And your W is RIGHT to stay away from you until you do something about it.


Then you should fit right in. Please note, though, that those people are sober and in recovery, YOU ARE NOT. They can show you how to live a decent life without booze, before you lose everything else.

....Well, I don't know why I keep writting posts, just to have the silly page tell me it is expired, and I lose everything I wrote. I posted this morning, and lost it. So we'll try again....

I've had that happen too. I learned, if I have a LONG post, I do it on Word, then cut/paste it into the reply.

I rarely edit....except for spelling and grammar....but the last thing this board needs today is a "rant". So....I'm going to take a bath instead. Sorry.

Gale, I have not yet searched your backposts, so I do not know the reason why you were separated before she started her affair.

Although it is not the best thing to start up with anothre person while separated (esp. if she was dickering with the possibility of saving the marriage...and you did indicate that was the case). However, I don't view her entering a relationship MONTHS after the separation in the same light as I do while viewing a relationship that began while husband/wife are still living together.

You've admitted having been a "raging alcoholic". You mentioned she is afraid of you. I cannot help but wonder how bad things were prior to the separation. I'm guessing that the OM does not have a wife, so he is a free agent. And, your wife, while separated, considered herself to be one as well.

I do not know what to suggest, honestly. If you do go into Plan B, you really should work on yourself. She may need help too, but that is not your concern right now. Make yourself a healthy man...and a good dad for your child. Hope and pray that she takes care of herself as well. Things sound so dysfunctional, and her relationship with the OM, while painful to you, might really not be the main problem.

I'm in the minority in this thread. I do hope you do not take offence.

And, I am just ONE opinion, I am not always right.

You are so right. I do want to come to terms with my drinking problem. I believe that this affair is my bottom. I believe that, because I have never wanted to quit before. Not really want to like I do now. And I honestly do believe that I intend to stay sober regardless of the outcome of our marriage.

You see, I knew God told me to come to this place for a reason.

Gale, there are opportunities everywhere, you just have to look. By finding this place, you found a soft place to land, some input on the issues you are facing, and a little tough love to finish it off.

Taking care of your drinking problem is a big task, and you have to commit to it for a long long time (for life). However, if you tackle it with gusto now, over the years it will become easier as you replace old unhealthy habits with new healthy ones.

Make Gale be the best man he can be. And, IF it turns out that your improvements cause you wife's head to turn around and reconsider, fine. If not, you've still done something amazing and positive. It is good for you. It is good for your child. And, maybe down the road it will be good for some other lady.

Don't try to do this alone. Start at AA immediately. That way, when you weaken (and you will) you will have somebody to call. Lots of tough love there.

There is much good ahead for you...just don't ever stop looking for it.

lol...it happens to me almost all the time because I'm something of a slow typist, and sometimes (grin) a bit wordy.

If that happens and you get "Form no longer valid" message, here is what I do.

Use the "back" arrow to return to the previous page where you typed your post into the reply box.

"Select all" the post and copy it to your clipboard.

Then "Back arrow" back out to the original message you were responding to, click Reply again.

When the new Reply box opens, Paste the Clipboard contents into the box and either hit "post" or "review post" to enter the post.

Something changed in the system program that has restricted the timelimit it holds a reply box open. Tempest is aware of the problem, but there has been no "fix" yet. I was hoping that this "new look" for the forums (which I don't like yet) would include fixing the "timeout" problem, but it hasn't.

FH....all I do is use the back arrow button, then refresh the page....then it will post. Saves a little work.

Gale, I am glad you feel that this is your bottom and you have had enough. Like I said earlier, quitting is not enough, though. Because - and this is REAL IMPORTANT - if the living problem is not addressed that led to your drinking, you will soon be drinking again. You can stop drinking, but that does not leave you a recovering man, rather a sober drunk who does and says the same things he did before.

Without a plan of recovery, you have NO DEFENSE against the next - and there will be lots of "nexts" - urge to drink. You will be off and running again, because your "will power" is what got you here in the first place; it won't be your salvation. I promise you that. The only thing that will keep you sober is a solid plan of recovery.

How much do you know about AA in your area?

I have been trying to find out about AA meetings in my area. Also talked to my mom's pastor, and they have a group at the church, but they meet in the evening, and I work second shift right now. I may try to switch to third shift soon, which would facilitate getting to meetings. I am going to talk to an associate pastor tomorrow, and he says he will help me find someone to talk to.

This week has been a doozy, and it ain't over yet. I am going to see my lawyer in the morning. I have been waiting for two weeks for this, and I don't know what to do. I have jotted down a bunch of things to ask him, but don't yet know what I will find out. Seems kinda wierd going to a divorce lawyer and telling him I don't want a divorce.

My WW met her lawyer Tuesday, and told me that OM can sue me for libel for the email exposure thing. She also said that she is allowed to take money from the store to use to file for divorce, so I guess she is planning on making me pay for it. She hasn't actually filed though I think. At least she hasn't taken any money from the store yet, and I hope the attorney won't start until she's paid.

School starts in two weeks, and when my WW came home from attorney's office, she had a call from her landlord telling her she needs to move out by the end of the month. (Come to think of it, I ought to confirm that with the landlord) And of course the ONLY option that she can come up with is to move into OM's mothers rental house that is 75 miles away! I am beside myself about this. I asked her if she talked to her lawyer about it and if she can even do that legally. She didn't know. She just said "well I'm not moving today" My son's life is in such turmoil right now, throwing him into a new school, in a strange town right now may just send him into an emotional tailspin. She just seems to think that he will be fine. I cannot believe this.

Ever since my exposure, she is convincing everybody that I am acting crazy, and unpredictable. the councelor won't even return my calls.

WW called me last night to call a truce?! All the terrible things that I am doing to hurt her are going to kill her if I don't stop?! I'm like, what am I doing to hurt you? She feels like the only goal of my exposure was to shame and embarass her. I told her that I did not expose to anyone other that those that I thought would talk to them, and try to convince them that they should reconsider their actions. I told her that if my goal was to shame her, I could have taken out an add in the paper. She is just really trying to work me good, and I am getting sorta sick of it. I need to just let her go, and get away from her. I have to deal with my own crap, (i.e. alchohol) and let her do whatever. It doesn't help that her mother is dying as I write this. She went down there today to be with her, and I haven't heard from her since. I am sure that she is at OM's place right now, and I am certain that he is doing everything right to be there for her. He has been such a help since I started attacking her with my exposure stunt, and I am such a bas**rd. I really dread her mother dying right now. I don't know what it will do to her.

I just want to be there for her, and she doesn't want me to. This really hurts.

Supposed to go deal with some people about selling the store on friday, we are going to get robbed on that deal, but I will let it go for a song to get it out of my life. But, she has to be there, because if I make the deal without her, I will be trying to hurt her financially by not getting a better price.

rock me hard place

did you know that if you stop drinking beer, you can eat a half gallon of ice cream a day and still lose weight?!
I guess life is pretty good after all.

ok, please calm down, Gale. First off, get with your attorney ASAP to protect yourself financially. Don't allow her to take ONE penny from the store. REMOVE YOUR MONEY so she can't plunder it until your attorney tells you what to do.

Secondly, try and have your attorney to prevent her from moving away with your little boy into the OM's home.


Oh brother. The TRUTH is a defense for libel. This is more blah, blah, blah, blah.... Pay it no mind.


Thats ok, its pretty common. People are not stupid and can see what is going on. She is having an affair so is trying to turn you into the bad guy.

Open your phone book and look up AA and call them. Tell them you want to speak to a MAN who has some long term sobriety and leave your #. Talk to him when he calls and ask him to be your temporary sponsor and introduce you to some good meetings.

And, in the meantime, get yourself legally protected and CALM DOWN. Don't listen to your wife. Just remember it is like talking to a falling down drunk. She is just as addicted as you except she is presently under the influence. I am serious. As you can see, she will say the most fogged out, crazy things to get you to STOP interfering in her affair. DO NOT let her sidetrack you, Gale.


hehe... The key word here is YET! It will catch up after awhile, MissPiggy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

She probably plans on moving in with the OM, Gale. This is even more reason why you must get an attorney and get your son protected. Your son should not be dragged into her sleazy affair. Be sure and tell your attorney that she is having an affair and have him SPECIFY in the seperation papers that your boy is not to be around her creepy boyfriend.

I saw the lawyer this morning, and at his suggestion, I will file for divorce asap. If I want to have a chance to protect my son, I must file and ask for custody. This is going to get messy, so bear with me. The emotional edge has softened quite a bit, and reaching out for help, is having a calming effect on me. I am feeling more confident, and I pray for a good outcome.

I don't want to take my son away from his mother, but I have to file for custody to keep him away from OM. I just hope she doesn't file before monday.

Good job, Gale! And please hide your money while you can. Don't let her plunder your money, ok? When you tell her about the divorce, simply explain that you dont want a D but will do what it takes to protect your son from her affair and keep him close to you.

You do sound much calmer today which is a very timely change. Glad to hear you are a praying man, you need God very much right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Today has been a much better day for me. I feel more confident, and at ease. I am very nervous about what I am about to do, but I feel good that I am doing something. I do not look forward to going face to face with the beast again, but I guess if I want to fight this fight, I must do what I have to. I trust that I won't lose faith so easily this time, and I will be better prepared for the monster.

I am sure that she will take this the wrong way, and I will not be able to make her see what I am trying to do, but I will have to let her get upset, and deal with it. She has to see that her fantasy cannot become reality. I have told her that I would never dream in a million years of taking her son away from her, and now I will file for custody. I hope that doesn't make me a liar, because I don't want to take him away. Lawyer explained that custody just means who gets to make decisions for the child. It doesn't necessarily dictate where the child spends his time. Joint custody would not guarantee that I could keep him in this area. Of course, she will have to come at me with guns blazing. I also have to file to be able to freeze our assets. Kinda sad when we went through those, I ain't worth very much. That dang store has actually taken us backwards for years.

Still looking for a sponsor, but I've got calls out, and hope to hear back soon. I am doing OK right now, but don't want to delay any longer. Thank God it's not an emergency.

All in all, a much better day than I have had for a while. I had a good talk with the pastor, and I think it is helpful just to have someone to talk to. My poor mother has been my only support group, and I believe that spreading out to others will help take a burden off of her. She is a good woman. She and Dad both are willing to help me as much as they can with this. They offer some stability for my son, who is suffering with all of this, and I know that it is helping him.

Lawyer said my WW could contest the paternity of our son if I try for custody. I don't know if she would do that or not. It could only make her look bad, and me look good. Also, he said that they really look at the nature of the relationship, more than blood. That is a relief. Don't know what a test would show, but she and I both have brown eyes, and our son's are the most beautiful blue.

Thanks for hangin in there, any ideas of how to deal with her when she finds out would be helpful.

I actually spoke to my wife friday morning. Not for long mind you, but the fog must have thinned enough for the sensible woman to come through. Ever since my exposure, she has been prime for a fight, and does her best to bait me into arguments. I have succeeded for the most part in not falling for it, and have found that she will calm down after a while if I can keep my composure. Anyway, she was telling me that she didn't want to move my son to a different school, and wanted him to go here for at least one more year. During the course of our conversation, she said that if I continue to be nice to her, she will not file for divorce. Now, I had already started my lawyer doing the paperwork for filing, and I could not tell her this. I started wondering if I was doing the right thing by filing. You know, false hope and all. By saturday morning, she was back to her old foggy self.

The OM's mother is being so helpful in destroying my family. She told my WW that she could get her a job down there, rent her a house cheap, and baby sit my son after school. Perhaps it's a good thing that I never was able to reach her by phone. I don't know if I could hold my tongue if I were to talk to her now. I fear that with his whole family behind them, my marriage may be doomed. But I will not give up yet.

I told WW that I will NOT allow my son to be moved to this other town. I told her that if she makes plans to do so, I will contact my lawyer, and try to stop her. She acted suprised that I hadn't already asked the lawyer if I could stop her from moving him. Little does she know that I have. I do so dread the reaction to my filing. I just hope that it helps to keep my son here.

It seems that the big change in her attitude was brought about by my making a deal friday morning to sell the store to someone. We are taking a big hit money wise, but I cannot keep trying to make it work. We are going backwards daily, and if I hold out for more money, I will lose in the long run. Better to get out now, and take the hit. After debts are paid, we probably won't have alot left. She keeps saying that she wanted to invest her half for our son's education, but I fear that her half will be squandered before it gets invested. I hope that filing will allow us to freeze all of the money until the divorce is final.

On Aug. 31, she will lose her house, and her job. She is not sure were to go, and what to do. Of course I am the cause of all of this, because she thinks I want to hurt her. She is finding all kinds of reasons to move down there, and his mom ain't helping my cause any at all. I told her to apply for some jobs around here, and to talk to a realtor about anyone that might have rentals. I told my lawyer that I don't care if I have to help her secure a home around here, I just don't want her taking my son there!

All in all, everything falling apart for her could be considered a good thing as far as "in your face" reality is concerned. I would like it to make her think twice, and consider giving me another chance, but I don't know if it will. She is still blaming me for everything that she does. She keeps saying that she doesn't feel safe with me, and with our past, I can't blame her. But I am trying to show her that she is safe. My exposure seemed to convince her otherwise, and my filing will probably do the same.