U file because U need to protect yourself and your family. As for OM's mom, let her know she is enabling an A. Once you get that acknowlegement, then you will know what u r dealing with.

OM's mom may be fooled into thinking the WS is divorced.

L.

What she means by "nice" is that you stop interfering with her affair. It really doesn't matter if she does not file since she has moved out and is in an affair. She will not be able to use the divorce threat anymore after she finds out you have filed.


you can expect her to blame you for everything, that is TEXTBOOK foggybottom behavior. And your exposure did not make her feel NOT SAFE, it was a direct threat to her affair. Just expect her to condemn any action that interferes with her affair and you won't be surprised.

Right now, your focus should be on the following things, Gale:

1. getting into AA ASAP

2. protecting your son from her affair

3. protecting your finances

4. doing your BEST to NOT lovebust her and to attract her back [this DOES NOT MEAN [censored] kissing]

I will post Pep's definition of Plan A. I want to add that I think you are doing MUCH BETTER! You are not allowing your emotions to send you all over the map and you are sticking to your mission. I also think it was a good move to sell your business. That means you can go into Plan B if you have to.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Just got back from my first AA meeting. It was good. They were all very warm and welcoming. Working second shift, and living an a rural area, it is hard to find off hours meetings. Most all of them are evenings. I am trying to switch to third shift, partly to work on recovery, and partly to be able to spend time with my son once school starts. If I work seconds, I will never see him. This meeting is on sunday so I can go. I obtained some phone numbers from some of the members, I may call some and ask if they can help me find a sponsor. The topic was "first things first". It made me think really hard about how I have gone about this whole affair event. I have been trying to paint this picture of a happy future for my wife and I, but if I don't work on myself FIRST, we can never reach that goal even if she gives me the chance.

You are so right about her idea of being nice. That is why I can be a nice as can be, and still want to hurt her. Obviously, I am speaking with the beast when she says these things, and I find it helpful to understand who I am speaking to when we interact. No sense debating the beast. It will not listen, and it will turn everything you say against you. On the other hand, if I recognize that my wife may actually be present, it is a good time to slip in a couple of carrots.

In the last couple of months, and especially at first, I was making a lot of disrespectful judgements. I have tried my best not to tell her how she if feeling. I have tried my best not to tell her what she does and doesn't know. But yesterday morning, I told her how I felt about his mother interfering. I told her that I thought this woman must be morally inept at best and down right evil at worst. To encourage this affair, is not only wrong, it is disgusting. WW says that she is just trying to help her start over. WW was upset with me for being blunt about the affair, and I told her, "I love you, and I want to do my best to show you, but I will not mince words when it come to this affair, and how much it is hurting me, and our son."

I have to be at lawyers office at 8:30am to sign some papers, then I guess I will find out about the rest of it.

The MC called me the other day, I made an appt for 11am tomorrow. Gonna be a busy day. I told the MC that I thought she might be mad at me, but she was on vacation, and that is why she didn't call sooner. She said that she has been wanting to talk to me also, so it could be an interesting session. I intend to take my copy of "Surviving an Affair" and showing her what I am trying to do. I think her phylosophy is slightly different than mine, but I don't think she can discourage me from my path.

Thanks for the carrot and stick. I found it on another post awhile back, and printed it out. I have refered to this list, to see if I am on track sometimes. Gotta see if I am sticking to the plan, or wandering off on an emotional sidetrack.

I thank God I found this place. I am so greatful for the help. This beast is strong, and cunning. If it weren't for your advice, I would probably have given up a long time ago.

Morning Gale, I am glad you found this place too. You sound much, much calmer now. Good job on finding an AA meeting. Do they have any noon meetings there? Of course, it would be better all around if you could move to another shift. You could find more AA meetings and see your son.

When you look for a sponsor, look for someone who has sobriety under his belt and who is working the program. STEER CLEAR of any psychobabble artists! And there are plenty in AA just as with most places. Use good judgement, say lots of prayers and God will lead to you the right sponsor.

Good luck at the attorneys this morning. I will check in with you later, friend.

Well, I think I screwed up. Went the lawyers yesterday, and signed papers. Then I went to the MC and we thought it would be cruel to just let my WW get served without warning. So I didn't listen to my lawyer, and I told her that I filed.

She is livid. That is putting it nicely. As of right now, I am dead to her. She is on her way to her lawyers office, and I call mine to tell them I screwed up, and they haven't even taken the papers yet. She may beat me to the punch. My WW wants blood right now, and I fear she may well get it.

We spent five hours on the phone this morning, and I could not convince her that I did it to protect our son. She thinks that everything I do is intended to inflict pain in her, and I cannot convince her differently.

So now it appears I have found myself in an instant planB. She will not let me see my son, and she is going to make me pay.

Guess I feel a little set back right now, but will try to gather myself together, and take care of myself.

Call your attorney's office and make sure they get you Petition filed ASAP - as in this morning. IF her attorney is available to see her (and that is a BIG if - most attorneys go to court in the morning), it will take them at least a few hours to draw up the papers and she will have to review them before they are filed. Unless she has provided them everything they will need, already, you bought a little time. Get hold of your attorney's office and make sure they know those papers need filed right away. Next time, listen to your lawyer.

BB

Gale, please listen to BB, she is an attorney and knows what she is talking about.

And yes, we expected that your W would be livid if you asserted yourself. She can't be expected to like this. But remember what happens when you allow yourself to REACT to her anger? Your emotions go all over the map and you make mistakes. Don't REACT, Gale. Just calm down. She is supposed to be angry.

Get ahold of your attorney just as BB has suggested and CALM DOWN!

I authorized the attorney's office to incure extra expense if they feel it will help our case at all. I know that I should have waited, but I thought he said they would be mailed out yesterday. Obviously that didn't happen. I don't know. My WW already called me back once. Why? Don't know except to pick a fight. I am doing my best to remain calm, she is very angry, and hurt. She is panicking I think, and reacting accordingly. She just kept telling me that she was not going to move my son down there. If I would have waited one more day I would know that. All I had to do was be nice to her, and it was working but no I had to pull the exposure, and now file. I couldn't leave well enough alone.

I know that if all I did was be nice to her, I would have a happy WW with a happy OM and I would be sitting here the patsy. I am the only one that believes that I have done the right thing with the exposure. The MC even thinks that the damage I did to her feelings will take a lot more time to deal with. I don't know. It is too easy to feel sorry for her, and give in. I don't want to pick up the phone if it is her, but if it might be my son, I want to talk to him. She is not going to let me see him now. She says that I wanted to protect him from OM, so now she is going to protect him from me. Wow is she P**sed OFF.

Going to mom's for lunch. I'm not hungry, so I better eat something.

Do not accept her comments about "I am going to protect your son from you" crap. Unless she legally has a reason to restrict you from your son you should get an immediate court order to allow you access to your son. You need to document all of this. "Mr Judge, I exposed my wife's affair according to what my MC told me to do and filed for D to protect my son from my WW's intentions to go and be with another man, her affair buddy. She reacted by threatening me with not seeing my son whom I love and miss."
This will not play well. And, you are correct, you could have given her everything she wanted and you would be;
1. a weekend dad at best
2. replaced by the coming step dad to be
3. get to write a large check each month to her after she was the one that destroyed your M and had an A
4. get left overs in all areas of your previous family's life
5. be financially drained
6. be emotionally devestated
So, you could have played Mr. Nice Guy and got the above. Doesn't seem like a good deal to me for your wife to be "happy".

ummmmmmmm, could there be a little bit of "damage" to YOUR FEELINGS because of her AFFAIR? Was your "damage" and "hurt" ever discussed? I think I may need to smoke some more crack here to be able to comprehend your loony MC and why he is focusing on your wife's "hurt"!

OF COURSE it "hurt" your w's feelings to be outted. Because she was DOING SOMETHING WRONG. That is a CONSEQUENCE of wrong doing. She is hurt becuase she is rightly embarrassed. SHE SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED. She is simply angry that you put pressure on her affair.

It is WRONG to have an affair, it is not wrong to EXPOSE THE AFFAIR!


Gale, Dr. Harley, who is a QUALIFIED, SUCCESSFUL MC, a leading author in the US, would not agree with your MC. So, don't fret. While Harley's principles are not intuitive, just remember that he KNOWS what he is doing and SPECIALIZES in infidelity.


And please stop wasting your time with this MC. As you can see, he is not helping you, he is HARMING you.


She is using your son as a PAWN to get her way. She won't be allowed to get away with this.

Gale, CALM DOWN and stop second guessing yourself. Just because your W is angry, does not mean you are doing the wrong thing. She is angry becuase you are INTERFERING in her nefarious plans to have an affair and drag your son into it.

Well I guess I interfered myself right into a messy divorce if she has her way. The MC wasn't trying to reprimand me for hurting WW's feelings, she was actually trying to understand what I was doing. I do trust this MC, but she doesn't do things the same as Harley. I don't trust my WW or her feelings. I know what I have done in the past to hurt her, but I just suspect the beast is trying to play games with these feelings.

Since I mentioned to the MC that Harley's book says that most affairs die on their own, she doesn't understand why I felt compelled to interfere with the exposure. Why not just let it die? Because I might not love her anymore by then.

After our conversation this morning, my love for her is badly damaged. I have really been thinking that I might be better off without her. I don't want to talk to her right now.

She rushed off to her lawyer, and filed for divorce herself. I figure that hers will get there first, and I don't know if that makes a difference or not. She texted me this evening and she was being smug. Going on about guidelines, and when we are served, the guidelines will take effect, and then I can only see my son by going to her house to visit. She will not let me take him home. I will call the lawyer in the morning to discuss this situation. She says that she has a fear that I might do something. She is really playing this up, and I don't know what she is telling her attorney.

Don't know how long it will take for her to calm down. Don't know if she ever will. I will just steer clear right now. Not sure when I can go to planB for sure, but I hope it's soon. I have had success talking to her in the past, and I want the opportunity to try again, but she has to calm down first. Mom told me that if she calls just hang up on her. If she wakes me up at 4am again, I probably will.

As for right now, she is definitly going to planD, and it's all my fault. yeah right.

Gale, I am not trying to dog your MC just for the sake of dogging her, but this is one of the reasons I believe she is wasting your time. It is not a matter of her doing things differently than Harley, it is a matter of her not understanding the dynamics of infidelity. And since she doesn't under infidelity, she causes harm. Exposure is simply the most effective weapon against affairs, and she doesn't even understand that.

Secondly, marriage counseling while one is in an affair is absolutely worthless. There is no point since recovery is impossible as long as the affair persists.

Did you call your attorney yesterday like we told you to beat her to the punch? What does your attorney say about all this?

You wrote:
"She rushed off to her lawyer, and filed for divorce herself.

A: Get your attorney's butt in gear and walk your papers to the courthouse if need be. NOW!

I figure that hers will get there first, and I don't know if that makes a difference or not.

A: It's not supposed to matter although everything I have read, particularly since you are the wronged spouse, is that if you get yours in first it's better.

She texted me this evening and she was being smug. Going on about guidelines, and when we are served, the guidelines will take effect, and then I can only see my son by going to her house to visit. She will not let me take him home.

A: Don't respond. Let your lawyer respond to her Bullcrap and let him know you don't want him to pull any punches. You are dealing with an alien being who cares nothing about you right now and will take every advantage if you let her. DON'T let her. Respond, Respond quickly and Respond with your own guidelines, acceptable behavior and stipulations. Let her know that you are in control of your emotions and doing what's best for your children and them being with another man whom they don't even know because mommy is having a mid life crisis, has forgotten her vows, is being immoral, etc is not in their best interest.


I will call the lawyer in the morning to discuss this situation. She says that she has a fear that I might do something.\

A: Have your attorney let her know that any false claims will be dealt with harshly, perhaps even file charges of libel or defamation of character.

She is really playing this up, and I don't know what she is telling her attorney."

A: It doesn't matter. You tell your attorney EVERYTHING (even the bad stuff if there is any) so that he/she can prepare for combat if it comes to that.

just talked to the attorney, appologized for messing up. He told me that if I go to her house to visit my son, to take a family member along.

WW called me while I was in the tub this morning. She is calming down, but of course this is all my fault because I filed. I told her that I do not want a divorce, and I want to save this family. She was much more sensible to talk to, but still telling me over and over to be nice, and stop the tricks.

I am trying to figure out what to do now. She says that she will not allow the OM near my son, I will take her word for it right now. we have two weeks until the store sells, and we have a lot of stuff to get out of there. We are going to have to spend some time together, so I cannot go to planB at this time. I am thinking that I need to planA the crap out of her for the next two weeks. I think that if I meet her needs, and instill some units, it could help make planB more effective. This may be my time to show her I am sincere in the changes that I am making in my life, and I am trustworthy despite what she wants to think about the exposure. At the same time I will tell her that this situation is intolerable, and she has to decide what she wants in her life. The better I look to her, the more she will miss.

I will listen to my lawyer, and let him work out the custody arrangements with her lawyer. I must have given him the impression that my son lives with me. That is not the case, we have shared custody of him throughout this separation, and it has worked out rather well. I would like to keep the arrangement the way it is, but she seems to think that I will take him and not bring him back.

It doesn't matter what she thinks.

It matters what the court order says.

I would make it clear in the court order that the OM or any other man that is not related is not to be in the presence of your son. Don't accept her word for anything. It is currently worthless (i.e. affair).

My STBXW has violated a written court order to not expose our son to the OM on four occassions that she doesn't know that we know (which will be used to smack her in court). She promised me that the OM would not be near our son and was TOLD by the Judge not do it and still did it.

What all do you know about the OM's past, his character, (well we know some of this don't we), and so on. Know the OM backwards and forwards and his weaknesses in case this goes to court and your WW aims to be with this OM. It could have a bearing on custody arrangements.

Good luck with selling the store for a handsome price.

Gale, your plan is very sound to Plan A her for the next few weeks, but you MUST, MUST, MUST move forward and get your visitations PROTECTED along with your finances!

Your W has shown that she is willing to go to great lengths to punish you for interfering with her affair, including using your son as a PAWN. Just last week she was threatening to move up close to the OM and take your son away. Yesterday, she threatened to not allow you to see him. So, it is imperative that you NOT BACK off on this because she has demonstrated she will use the boy as a PAWN to manipulate you.

Tell your attorney to BE A SHARK, ok? Let him be the bad guy while you Plan A. But whatever you do, do not allow your wife to scare you into doing things that will harm your finances or your visitations so you can appease her. [Plan A does not stand for [censored] KISSING!] What she means when she says she wants you to be "nice" is she wants you to sit there and TAKE IT and not stand up for yourself and your son. Do you understand?

So, be nice, but tell your attorney to be a SHARK. And be sure he knows that your is having an affair and have ask him to include the OM's name in the papers.

Once you get yourself protected from her, we can help you with your recovery program and with a GREAT PLAN A! But first things first!

I don't know what to say. I am flabbergasted. My Ww calls me just after I wrote my post this morning. We talked about the divorce. I guess my Attorney beat her to the punch, so now she has to sign response papers. It was sorta wierd, cause she had really calmed down alot.

She started telling me about yesterday, when she was calling me all sorts of names, and trying to hurt me really bad. She told me that she did her best to push all of my buttons, and I just kept coming back with love. Then when she went to her lawyers office to file, she started crying because she couldn't believe that it had come to this.

She asked me what I would expect of her if she were to move back home!? I told her that I would not expect much from her. I would expect her willingness to work with me to restore our marriage, and I would expect that OM be out of the picture. I would expect her to let me love her, and meet her needs.

Now where did that come from? I didn't see it coming. I know that she may feel that her back is against the wall, and she might be desperate to try anything to get me to stop the divorce. I wasn't sure. I entertained the idea that God is actually granting me a miracle.

By the time I got to work this afternoon she texted me and asked if she could move back in and work on the marriage!? She seemed to be very excited about the idea, and she even wanted to tell our son. I told her she could, but to make sure he understood that it might not work out. I am not stupid, and I was still unsure of her motives. A little later she told me that she broke up with OM. Now I'm like what the heck is happening!? This was making my head spin. I called her on my break, and talking to her helped ease some of my doubt about her sincerity. She was serious as a heart attack. I of course was still being cautious. I AM still being cautious. I just felt that it can't be this easy. And of course I was right.

By this evening she is second guessing her decision to break up with OM. She misses talking to him, and she is fighting the urge to call him. I know that even if she is serious about working with me, she will have to deal with this desire for the OM. It is classic affair BS. Right down to how he feels that she is his "Soul Mate"! But not to downplay the feelings. She really is in love with this guy, and she doesn't love me.

I stopped at her place on the way home and talked to her. I could tell that she really thinks she made a mistake. It is working on her really bad, and I just kept reassuring her that things will get better. She, of course, cannot imagine how our marriage could ever be as good as this affair. She tells me that he has made her feel better than I ever have in all of our years of marriage. I told her that she is not comparing our first few months with this relationship. Four months cannot be compared to eighteen years. I encouraged her to talk. She didn't want to hurt my feelings, and I told her I can take it. She doesn't know how strong I have become these last few months.

I did my best to show her love, kindness, and understanding. I hope I made it clear enough that if she decides to call him, the world of hurt will come rushing back.

Earlier in the day when she was excited about her decision, she asked when she could start moving back in. I told her that we should talk about it tomorrow. My reasoning is that things change with her on a daily basis, and tomorrow this may all be a forgotten memory. If that is the case, at least I got to talk to my wife for a while.

Don't think for one minute that I trust her. I love her, but I don't trust her. I am taking it with a grain of salt, but whatever works, is OK by me. Hopefully the fact that she told our son that they are moving back will be enough incentive for her to follow through, but we still have to deal with withdrawl.

Don't worry, I know that I am still in the middle of a divorce, and I am not sure what the lawyer will say. She told me that her atty is happy for her. Let's just see what tomorrow brings.

aaaaaargh! I just accidentally deleted a long post! So I will start over again but will have to be brief.

I think what you did had a very good effect in that it is waking her up. But, as you can see, she is not ready yet. The important thing is that you stick to your guns with the divorce in order to protect yourself FOR NOW. Even if she moves in, you need to protect yourself until you know the affair is over and recovery is under way.

In the meantime, you have a short window of time to really work on attracting her back. She has told you that she does not believe that her marriage will ever be as happy as her affair. That means you have to show her that you CAN meet her needs and that the old marriage is DEAD. You can show her that you have stopped drinking, are getting recovery help and are trying to change. You will have to PROVE this to her and learn to be an attractive partner.

I think you have a very short window of time to get this idea across to her and becuase of that I am going to suggest that you consider calling Steve Harley for counseling. Take that money you are wasting on that inexperiened MC of yours and spend it on a PRO. Because he can do something real important: he can give your W HOPE that she can have a happy marriage. It will sound hollow coming from you, though.

He will not waste of a minute of your time. He will assess your situation and give you a workable, EFFECTIVE PLAN to recover your marriage. There is also a strong possibility that he can REACH YOUR wife and help make you an attractive alternative. The man is a genius and is worth every penny. Please think about this, because it will be one of the smartest moves you move, I believe. HE charges $185 [I think] and will not waste a minute of your time with foolishness.

She is having second thoughts. She is heavy in withdrawl. She was so happy today, and positive, and upbeat. By this evening she is mad at me for interfering in her affair, and I should have just left her alone.

Don't know if she will talk to harley. She thinks his methods are crazy, since my exposure.

I am worried sick that she will call him tonight. She didn't give me much hope, except a comment about if I take one drink, she will be gone. That is enough to hold on to for tonight, but I do hope she is strong enough not to call him.

She asked me what would happen if she called him. I told her that all the pain would come back for all of us. She keeps telling me that I talk alot, but actions speak louder than words. I asked how I can show her that I love her, and she just says she doesn't know. What do I do to show her my love?

You will have to PROVE this to her and learn to be an attractive partner.

I don't know how to overcome the pain I have caused her to become attractive to her. I think it will depend upon her mood as to how well it is working.