This whole race thing has blown up to be a major cause of stress for her. I talked to her last night, and she is just so negative. She cannot find any roses. The thorns are so many. I actually apologized for offering. I am sorry that I did it. Actually I am more sorry for myself that I offered than I am sorry for what she is going through because of it.

I wanted to give her something that she really wanted. But I did it on such a short notice, that there is no time to prepare. One of her favorite things to say is "you don't understand". the stress keeps building for her, and I don't want her to have a nervous breakdown. I saw her yesterday, and when I came around, she just started shaking. I am just so certain that the OM is building on her fears, and making them worse. It makes me so angry. I am not sure how to deal with it other than be non threatening.

She got a summons or something to do with the divorce in the mail yesterday. She told me that she thought that I put the divorce on hold. Now last week, when she was coming home, we mentioned putting the divorce on hold, but she changed her mind, and I am not putting things off for now. I am going to do my best to get temporary custody of our son. I am going to do my best to see that she cannot take whatever money is left from the store and spend it.

She said before that the store money was going to be invested for our son's education. Now she says she will need that money to live. I understand a lot more that she does what's going on right now, and I am just not doing a very good job of making it clear to her. I did take her concern about the divorce as a good sign that she doesn't want a divorce. See, there is still hope.

I am still going to try and get her to move home. She has about two weeks to find work, and shelter. We have a bunch of stuff to get out of the store before the end of the week, and I hope that she gets to the point that she sees no other option but moving home. I am certain that if she comes back that way, she will do whatever she can to keep OM in the wings.

Gale, have you hidden the store money so she can't plunder it? I am very relieved that you didn't put your D on hold. That was a smart move, because as you can see, she has done a complete flip.

You know, I would suggest that you throw yourself into AA and a good Plan A to help her relax about you. Throw those Nascar tickets away and tell her you are sorry for putting her in that position. STOP pushing her about you relationship and focus instead on being as pleasant as possible. No pressure, just pleasant conversation. Pleasant, pleasant, pleasant.


I think this is something you should let Steve Harley help you with. On the one hand, I think it would be easier to conduct Plan A with her in your home, but on the other hand, you don't want to be in a position where you are being used as a flop house while she carries on like an alley cat in heat. That could be a disaster!

Which Harley books do you have, Gale? Have you read the articles here on Lovebusters? [the link is to the right of this webpage]

As much trouble as the race has caused, she really does want to go. She just doesn't seem to want me to think so. She thought she lost the tickets this morning, and she was threatening to kill someone if she couldn't find them.

I agree with you completely about AA and PlanA. And I am just trying to be as pleasant as a peach to her. I am not trying to force myself on her if I can help it.

One positive this morning. She had to renew her drivers license, and I noticed that she did not change her address. If I would ask, I'm sure she would say that since she is moving, she didn't want to bother changing it now just to do it again, but I can't help but think that she might believe that she won't have to change it at all.

I have "surviving an affair", and "give and take" got the second one from a councelor that we went to, but I wasn't willing to listen to him about the alcohol. Funny but at the time I blamed her for not trying and using my drinking to pass the buck on the "real" problem. What a fool an alcoholic can be.

Like I said. She is down on Harley. Big time. She thinks the lovebank, and lovebusters are a bunch of hokey BS. I think that she believes the concept is sound, but thinks the terminology makes it sound stupid. I don't know for sure, but If I keep working the plan, she may turn around. Of course working on the real problems like my drinking will go a long way as well.

The race has come and gone. She said she had a good time. I haven't been able to talk to her, and I doubt that I will get much more than that. She said that it didn't seem like her birthday, and she had tears in her eyes. She drove all the way down there, and all the way back. She is exhausted. Now she is on the way to see her mother who is in the hospital two hours away. I am so afraid for her. It sounds like her mother is giving up, and may pass away at any time. I don't want my WW to go through this alone, and I don't want her to go through it with OM either. I am being supportive, and telling her that everything will be allright. I offered to go with her to see her mom, but she declined. I really do have to work when I can this week, I cannot afford to lose my job right now. I cannot be there, and I am so afraid how this is effecting her.

To add insult to injury, the court set our hearing date for the same day that her dad died. She said thanks for the court date, and I told her that I have nothing to do with the dates. I told her that I don't want to go to court, and I want to save our family.

tried church yesterday. I don't know if that was the one for me or not. My son didn't want to go, so it was hard to just sit back and listen. I will probably try it again, but I think that AA is going to get me farther right now, and I want to concentrate on that mostly. One more week of 2nd shift, then my options will open up a little.

I keep praying that God will help me save this marriage.

Gale, great news on your shift change! When is your session with Steve Harley? I think he will be a GREAT HELP in your situation because he can help you attract your wife back.

Please also tell him everything you told me about your drinking and that you are now in AA. Did you find a sponsor yet?

I'm supposed to talk to Harley at 6 am wednesday. Hope I don't oversleep. I do hope he can help me, because I am at a loss as to where to go from here.

I have not been able to talk to her all week, and I really don't know what is going on in her head. I don't know if she is still open to giving the marriage a chance or not. I expect not, but I need to talk to her to find out. With everything else going on, I don't know if she has any idea what she wants to do.

We've hardly gotten anything moved out of the store, and we have two more days to do it. I expect that she will help me tomorrow to get stuff done.

She was very upset today. Her mother wasn't very nice to her when she went to see her. To make things worse, I text her and told her that I was praying for her and her mother. She told me to drop the religious crap. She thinks that I am becoming a bible thumper, and if I mention god, it is instant turn off. Unfortunately I didn't drop it all together, because she asked why god would let her mother suffer like she is. I told her that god didn't cause the suffering, but he could make the pain more bearable.

It just seems that the more my wife suffers emotionally, the madder at god she gets. It's like she is blaming him for her mistakes, and she believes that he wants her to suffer. I on the other hand have realized that to stay sober, I need to rely on god to guide me. I was suffering, and I cried out to him to help me. I have no desire to be a bible thumper, but I have found a good thing, and I want to share it with her. I believe that god is the key to the happiness that she is seeking, and I want to help her find it. I think the only way to share it with her is to live it. This is why I want her to come home. So I can show her that god has changed me, and my determination to save our marriage is made possible only by the love that he has given me.

Like I told her. It took a mack truck hitting me upside the head to change. Now I'm looking for her mack truck.

Still no sponsor. I talked to a man, and he is going to help me find one kinda. He didn't think he was the right person to do it. He eased my fear about not finding one right away though, and he is more than willing to help me any way he can. So, he is my unofficial sponsor for the time being whether he likes it or not.

Gale, I suspect the reason she doesn't want to hear about God is because she can't face him right now. She is having an affair and has broken up her family, so He is the last guy she wants to face.

When you get out to more meetings it will be easier to find a sponsor that like. It will also be a good idea to find a home group and get signed up on their birthday list. [depending on what their local tradition is] Volunteering to make coffee and help with set up will also be a huge help in making you feel part of the group.

I am looking forward to hearing what Steve Harley says about your situation. He is very, very good!

I feel kinda sick right now. I had to ask her where she is at right now. I upset her at the store this morning, she said this is not the time or the place to talk. I agreed, but I said that if she has her way there will never be a time or place. So, she is angry at me again, but I seem to get better results when she is angry.

She says she will not move back home because the anxiety that the thought of coming home created, ended her up in the hospital. She says that she will feel trapped if she comes home. I probably made a mistake by telling her that I think the OM is putting fears into her, and she is believing everything that he says. Oh well, I may have set myself back again. I just had to find out what is on her mind.

Gale, just back off for now and let her come to you. I think she feels very pressured by you and if you bring this up, she feels cornered. Just work on being as pleasant as possible. Its not the end of the world, so don't despair!

I talked with Steve Harley this morning. He said he thinks that I am on the right track. I did my best to explain our situation to him, and he offered some suggestions. He wants me to try and get her to talk to him. This may be a hard sell for me. I am not sure if she will or not, but he said to just lay it at her feet, and see if she will take it. Tell her that he would like to get her perspective on our situation to better help me deal with things. Told me to leave the beast alone right now, and just concentrate on the carrots of planA. Pretty much what you have been telling me. He said to stay in touch here, and you won't steer me wrong.

My WW and I are supposed to clean the store out tonight after I get off work. It will just be the two of us alone, and I am certain that she is scared to death of what I am going to do or say. I will do my best to simply be kind, and give her some of that peace that she desires.

I would like her to come home, but it cannot be an option to let her back in with OM in the picture. Again patience is what I need to exercise, and I cannot let my emotions lead me astray. As I have been reading the Big Book, I have been coming to understand how god is working with me. I know I have a long way to go, but I really am kinda excited about what the future holds in store for me. I do so hope that I have the opportunity to share this new outlook with my wife.

My friend suggested a man to me that may be a good sponsor. He said it would do us both some good. I plan on talking with him soon. I could use some help with step 4, because I am not sure how to go about it. I know that I have wronged people in the past, but I am not certain if I have left a huge trail of tears. I know for certain about my WW and my son, my parents, and hers. Other than that, I am drawing blanks. As a functioning alcoholic, I never really went out and stirred up much trouble. Mainly kept it here at home. I will ask for help with this, and I will also pray about it. First things first, and there is no sense in trying to work step 9 if I haven't done the other steps first.

Gale, do you feel better after talking to Steve? I think he is just a genius and if you can your wife to talk to him in order "to help you," of course, he may be able to give her SOME HOPE. Because I believe she is hopeless right now. He may be able to turn that around.

Why did your friend suggest that it would do this man some good to sponsor you? That makes me nervous. A good sponsor should have several years of sobriety, attend regular meetings and demonstrate that he practices these principles in his own life. Stay away from anyone whose life is a mess! How long has this guy been sober?

Did you tell Steve that you are an alcoholic?

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A <----focus on this


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I do feel a little better having talked with Steve. I'm just not sure when to approach my WW about talking to him. I don't want to wait, We have to drive to the oil company's office tomorrow, perhaps I can ask her on the way over, or better yet on the way back.

Tomorrow is the big day. We are selling the store. I don't know what will happen after that. She will be unemployed, and soon to be homeless. We packed up a lot of stuff tonight, and I never said one word about us, or our problems. I think she appreciated it.

I'm not sure why my friend said that it would do this guy some good to sponsor me. Of course my friend is a real joker, and you never can be sure if he is serious or not. Perhaps it has been a while, for this guy, or perhaps he just feels that it is time for this guy to do it. Don't know if I want to be the test case, but everybody has to start somewhere. I have seen this man at the sunday meetings. He is involved with the group, and other than that I don't know him. I will talk to him this weekend, see how I feel about him. Next week I can hit some more meetings, if I can find them. There are a couple I would like to try, but they are the opposite direction from work, and I will be pressed for time if I attend them. I am certain there are some closer to here.

Oh, how do I go about placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage? Is it just bringing up things in conversation? Or lecture as my WW would call it. Of course I don't know if There is a whole lot I can bring up that HAS worked in the marriage. I'll have to think about this.

Well, I am no longer a store owner. We closed the sale of our business today, and I am glad it is over. Kindof a sad day really, reflecting on everything that has happened these last nine years. I bought that store trying to save my marriage. It did everything but save our marriage. Now I pray that by selling it I will save my marriage. But then again, if it hadn't been for the store, we might not have made it this far. Guess I'm coming to understand that it's not the destination, but the journey that matters.

Now get this. We go to the oil company to sign papers. The man that owns the company comes into the room and says he doesn't think he knows WW and me. I said "I don't know why you would know us, we've only been selling gas for you for the last nine years!" WW was upset. On the way out the door she said "bite me bas*ards!" I will not miss these people at all.

Since I took the day off, I decided to take in a meeting tonight. Stopped by my WW's for a while before I went. No LB's at all. We talked about the store, and the people that we'll miss. We talked about our son. About his behaviour, and his development. She was very approachable, and not really guarded. This was a nice visit, and I left feeling good. Think I will just call tomorrow to discuss business issues. Try to communicate with her as much as I can. I will try to slip in my question about talking to Steve somewhere. I have also thought about inviting her to an AA meeting. Since she showed interest in Al-Anon, I got some information, but I think she is afraid to call someone. There always seems to be a couple of Al-Anon people at the sunday meeting, so maybe if I get her there, she might make a contact. I don't want to be pushy though.

Agree you don't want to be pushy, so please don't suggest the Alanon or AA meeting yet. You are bringing her along nicely as it is right now by applying no pressure. Just keep doing that, Gale. You are doing the right thing, but she needs to see consistency. BE CONSISTENT. She needs to see that in order to believe your changes.

What has worked in your marriage in the past? Have you thought of anything yet? Were there some things you did that you know she loved?

look and behave like a stable secure reasonably happy man ... if the subject of marriage/affair comes up

say "It is very painful to think about losing something so precious as you and our marriage. Very painful"

and then .... do something kind for her ... like bring her a cookie or a cup of tea or something

Gale, one other thing you should know. AA will be a TREMENDOUS help in your marriage in this way: they will teach you how to live in a way that is not out of control; in a SANE frame of mind. The more sane you feel about the control of your life, the less anxiety you will feel about controlling HER. You will be able to pull back and allow her to be her own person. That will help her learn to relax around you.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I do see how AA is helping me. Last nights meeting was more helpful than I realized at the time. I can't tell you exactly how, but just the peace of mind that spending that time brought to me, has made today a little better.

Whenever I try to call my WW, and she doesn't answer, my mind will instantly want to start thinking all kinds of bologna. I have been seeing this, and am able to counter these effects sooner, before my mind takes me to dangerous places. I know that if I dwell on bad things, I risk taking a drink, and I fear that with a passion. I am learning to let God handle this with me, and ask for his help as soon as I become aware of it. As I continue, I might just learn to ask for his help before I dial the phone. (duh!)

I haven't heard from her today, and she didn't answer when I called. I left a message, and will let her reach out to me if she wants to. As I try to think about what worked in the past, I keep coming back to talking. We used to talk for hours about anything and everything. This, I'm sure, is how the OM found his way into her heart. She talked to him nonstop for a month. I am not sure what level of communication they have right now, but I figure if I can talk to her about things that don't really matter, I can reach her lovebank, and make some deposits. I do have to be very careful with the lovebusters, and I cannot let myself bring up the affair. Again, this seems counter intuitive because I want to whack the beast once in a while, and it seems that I have had much success with the "smoothing over" part of our conflicts. Probably because we where talking.

If she has to move out by next weekend, I will be helping her. This will give me an opportunity to show her how god is working in my life. I have always been easily frustrated when things weren't working the way I wanted.(Um, I wonder why?) I have found that I handle frustrating things much better these days, and if I can just let things happen, and approach problems with sanity, and confidence, it just might make an impression.

I always liked to get up and get her a coke. She would always say that it made her feel guilty. I would tell her that I am closer to the kitchen, and I like doing things for her. I was always doing those little things, but it seems that she placed a lot more importance on the things I didn't do. She always wanted little gifts, and cards. I was never very good at getting these things, and now she says she doesn't need them anymore. I think she is lying to both of us. If I try to give her these little things, It could be helpful. What do you think?

I can't believe it. I checked my email just now, and I got a reply from one of my exposure emails. This woman said that she is sleeping with OM also. Said she is caught in the middle, and please help. I don't know what to think. I replied with why did it take a month to respond? Are you serious or just jerking my chain? If you are serious tell me more.

I just wonder if I should tell my WW about the email. Not mention the name, but just let her know what I got. Or should I just keep being nice, and wait to see what comes back from it?

Don't know where my WW is mentally right now. She didn't answer when I phoned this morning. She did respond to a text and said that she was upset today. She didn't explain, so I don't know what she was upset about. Maybe it has something to do with the email! We'll have to watch this play out.

I would show her the email. Tell her it might be a hoax but you felt she needed to know so she could investigate. Tell her this lady has emailed you saying she is also having a sexual relationship with OM. Recommend that she get STD testing and use protection with the OM.

Just act like you are sure sorry and don't say anything more about the OM. Try not to say anything that will cause her to DEFEND the OM. That will be hard to do, but back off as quickly as possible so she is left to come to her OWN conclusions.

And be sure and show her the name!