Well, the honeymoon is over. My son is mad as he*l at me right now. I am making him eat his supper, and he don't want it. He usually turns his nose up at almost anything, and we have always given in and let him eat junk. I am not backing down to him, and he is telling me that he hates me, and he will never love me again. I almost started laughing. He sounds so much like his mother right now. Oh well, spare the rod... My experience with WW last thursday and friday has really helped me to deal with him right now. I am giving him what he needs.

My mother is really starting to wonder about me. How can I still be in planA? Why don't I just write WW off? I told her that I will know when it is time, and I am starting to think that the time is approaching. I have to give the plan time to work, and I know that giving up now is not what my WW needs.

WW called this afternoon. She wanted to talk to our son. After they talked, She and I spoke a little. She didn't really want to talk to me. She asked if I had cancelled the business credit card. I told her that I tried but since she is named as the principal cardholder they won't let me close the account. I told her that my lawyer said that anything she charges on that card now will be her responsibility to pay. This of course made her angry. She wanted to know what else my lawyer told me. I said I hadn't really talked to him lately. She wants me to give her some of the store money, and I told her that we still have bills coming in, and we haven't payed taxes yet. I told her that I haven't taken any of that money either, and I too have bills to pay.

Finally she said that when she calls she wants to talk about our son and only our son. I said OK.

She talked to our son again a little. Told him that she was going to get an apartment in town, and they can be together.

My son has just insisted on talking to his mother. I called her, and now he is trying to get her to say he doesn't have to eat as much as I say. I don't care, he will eat what I gave him, or he won't eat tonight.

you meanie! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> How old is the boy? Have you protected your finances so she can't plunder the money?

Our son is eight years old. Believe it or not, it took him four hours to even try his supper. He ate half of it, and per my instructions, grandma gave him the rest of it for breakfast this morning. I talked to him on the phone on the way home from work, and he seemed quite happy.

I moved alot of our money into an account that she doesn't have access to, but then I got to thinking about the rest of it. There is a lot of money I had to leave in our account because there are outstanding checks written against it. I realized that she has a password to do fund transfers over the internet! I am going to the bank today to change that password. Hope I am not too late.

Oh, and I got a sponsor sunday. I talked with him last night on the phone, and I think we will get along well.

WW called me a little while ago. Her mother is dying, and she is at the nursing home. They have the woman on morphine, and WW is very upset. WW started crying because she has no money. She spent the last of her cash for gas to get there, and noone will cash her check down there. I suppose that was an invitation to offer her something, but instead I just let her go on.

She became angry with me, because this is her "choice", and so she has to deal with it. Obviously I used that word in our conversation the other day, and now she is going on and on about how all of this is her "choice". Very bitter, and angry.

She informed me that she will not call me when her mom dies, but I will find out when she shows up to tell our son. She doesn't trust that I would not tell him if she asked.

She makes so many assumptions about how I feel about our problems, and she is dead wrong on every account. I told her that I have nothing but love and concern for her. She says "love and concern, from a man that I don't love, and that I'm scared of." I said "yes, because I understand where it's coming from."

Nothing seems to reach her right now, and I am feeling more and more like it isn't worth it. I am not giving up yet, but I am tired of being so lonely, and I am not going to wait forever. I hope she sees this soon.

I am very frustrated right now. It seems that despite her best efforts, my WW still has an outstanding chance at getting custody of our son. My lawyer told me that if she lives with the OM, she can't get custody, but he said all she has to do is tell the judge that she can't afford a place to live, and the judge can make me pay for it, let her have our boy, and make me pay support too. I am wondering what the heck I am paying this guy for, if all he is going to do is tell me I'm screwed.

All I want to do is protect our son from this affair, and I am starting to wonder if it is possible. I really feel down right now, and I am just wanting to vent.

Gale, does she have a lawyer and way to get a judge to say this? If not, don't just give her that! Are you sure he is right?

Where is she living now?

My lawyer told me that her lawyer will most likely councel her to say that in court. We also have to expect her to play up my alcoholism, and verbal abuse. The verbal abuse, is bullsh*t anyway, but she will use it. He wants to try to come to an agreement without going to court. I told him that I need to get custody to protect my son. Perhaps he is just preparing me for the worst, but it doesn't sound too positive.

I don't intend to give her anything if I can help it, but it appears that I will have to give her something.

She has been staying with OM since last friday. She came here to get some of her stuff on sunday, and she came back last night to see our son, and get more stuff. She said that it might take a couple of months for her to get an apartment in our town, because she needs to come up with the money for deposit and rent. She said she is thinking of getting a job down there, to hold her over, and save some money. If you ask me, it sounds like she wants to move down there. I am certain that this has been her goal, and now she wants to take our son with her.

She actually asked me if she can take our son for the weekend. I asked her where, she said to OM's house. I told her no way. If she wants to get custody, she has to live up here, I hope that is enough for her to give it up, but I know that she won't stop trying to involve our son in their affair.

So who knows. I may well end up financing this affair after all. I need serenity right now. I haven't hit too many meetings this week. With my son here every night, I have been a little overwhelmed by everything. I feel bad leaving him early every night to go to meetings, even though I know it is best. I can't let this get in the way of my sobriety. if they start at 8, it isn't so bad, but if they start at 7, I can't hardly see him before I leave. I will work this out, and I know that I don't need to go every night of the week. I am still sober, that is something to be thankful for.

We are scheduled to go to court this thursday. I must say that I am a little nervous. I wrote my lawyer a letter yesterday, and emailed it to him. it went like this.

""
I must admit that I am more that a little discouraged by our conversations about this divorce proceeding. As you know, I filed with the intent to protect my son from my wife’s affair. This is my primary goal, and I really want to have faith in you to help me achieve it. Perhaps I don’t fully understand how bad I have it in this situation, but I can’t help but believe that a lawyer of your caliber can help me pull this off.

If you are certain that she cannot get custody of our son if she is living in (OM's town) with (OM), then we have our work cut out for us. You tell me that all she will have to do is tell the judge that she can’t afford a place to live, and they could make me pay for one. Well, I already am paying for one, and I might as well let her have it. I would propose that she move back into the family home, and I will vacate for the time being. When you consider that our mortgage is $1000 a month, and I am netting about $1600, this is the only affordable solution I can come up with. If you can persuade them to accept this offer, I can stay with my parents for the time being, or I can rent something a lot cheaper than she will if I am buying. I believe that she will try to say that this is unacceptable. I would expect you to press her as to why. If I am going to get stuck paying her money to live, I might as well just pay the bills for the home, and let her live there. Comes out in the wash if you ask me, and I will even mow the grass.

Along with this arrangement, I would expect specific wording that would absolutely forbid (OM) from being near, seeing, or speaking with my son for the duration of these proceedings. I know that I cannot protect my son forever, but I can try to keep him out of this for the time being. Also I will not allow (OM) on or near my property regardless of whether (son) is home or not.

If I had legal custody, I would let him live with her, in our house, while she gets work, and saves the money she needs for her apartment. I can pick him up from school, and take care of him until she gets off work. I will take care of all of his financial needs, and I will spend the weekends with him like I was before. This would allow us both to be in his life as much as possible right now. He needs that. This would also help to separate my wife from her lover, and create a possible window into which I could slide some positive influence. (OM) has told my wife that if she were to come back to me, and work to save our marriage, he would have nothing to do with her ever again. This is how he has pressured her to come to (OM's town). He knows that she is hooked, and fears losing him by giving our family a chance. She has admitted to me that if it weren’t for (OM), she would give us a try. If I can protect our son, I can possibly just wait out the affair for my specified length of time.

What I want is legal custody. I want the right to decide what is best for our son. As far as my sobriety is concerned, you could classify me as a functioning alcoholic. I never missed work, I rarely got in trouble, and I would swear that I never drove with my son in the car when I was over the legal limit. I know that I haven’t been sober for long, but when you consider my wife’s chronic infidelity problem, and consider that she is not in recovery, this still puts me ahead of the game. She has exposed my son to immoral activity, even going so far as making love to (OM) in her house as my son slept upstairs. She didn’t seem to see anything wrong with this, even after my son came downstairs to use the bathroom, and was frightened half to death by a stranger lying on the living room floor. If she has her way, she will expose him to more immoral behavior in her attempt to let this man seduce my son into thinking he is a nice guy. Her attempt at suicide last week should help convince the powers that be that she may not have our son’s best interest in mind. She is in such a selfish place right now; she is not considering what is best for him.

I know this is a tall order. Whatever she says, we cannot back down. She knows what she is doing is wrong, but she is addicted to her affair, and is willing to do anything to make her fantasy a reality. We must convince her that it cannot happen. She wants to stay in (OM's town). I am certain of this by the things she tells me. Let her stay if she wants, but she cannot take our son. He needs to stay in this school. He needs to be close to the only family he knows. He needs to be protected from this affair.

The police will not give me anything about the attempted suicide without an order from the county prosecutor. Perhaps you could get that from him. Use whatever you have to. We can make it clear that I do not want a divorce, and still be hard on her. I understand that I cannot have everything that I desire. If I did, she would be with me right now on the path to healing and recovery.

Right now, I would live in a cardboard box if it meant protecting my son from this affair. If that makes my position clear enough, then tell me what I can do to help this.

""

I hope my lawyer understands what it is that I am trying to do. At this point, I am not trying to save my marriage. I am just trying to protect our son from his mothers addiction. She is very angry with me, and I don't really care. I haven't moved into planB yet. If she comes back here, I intend to continue planA for a few months. She called today to talk to our son. She didn't want to talk to me at all, and I didn't try. I don't even know what to say to her right now.

I missed too many meetings last week, and I paid for it with my spiritual well being. I didn't realize it until I made a couple of meetings and started feeling better. I am learning so much, and I am more and more grateful to God with each passing day. I am praying simply for his will in my life, and the strength to carry it out.

Gale, I will say lots of prayers for you and your attorney and hope he does a good representing you in court. I would take along a log of all the AA meetings you have attended and be sure and show the judge. Tell him how long it has been since you have had a drink.

I am concerned that your W has been drinking heavily. She has, hasn't she? Have you documented her hysterical emotional tirades that end up in trips to the hospital when she doesn't get her way?

I find it sort of surprising that any judge could give your son to your wife under these circumstances. Lets consider all she has going against her:

1. No home
2. no job
3. shacking up with her boyfriend in an immoral environment
4. no money
5. hysterical emotional tirades when she gets angry that end at the hospital
6 drinking?

you, on the other hand have:

1. job
2. home that the boy is used to
3. income
4. no drinking
5. fairly stable emotional environment

I am surprised that your attorney is so nervous about this.

I'm with Mel. You tell your attorney what you expect. If he/she can't deliver then check around for one that thinks he can. Also remember to not stand around and wait on your attorney. This is YOUR case not his. He has many others. You feed him information, supporting documentation, and more in order to help him do his job effectively. Find out about OM and his past. Who says that she will not simply lie in court about OM and then marry the ****** when and if she wins custody. Force her to spell out in detail the relationship witht he OM. Is she in love with him? When was the last time they has sex, spent the night together, went away for a vacation, had son in the OM's presence. When and how many times has she made the OM a priority over spending time with your son. How often and for how long is she on the phone with him while your son is with her? What is OM's relationship with his own children (poor, non existent then why would this loser make a good step father or friend to your son?) GO for full custody and then back up from there. Go for a restraining order against OM during proceedings (no one of the opposite sex involved, at least overnight, with son on either side..)

Find people that can attest to your fathering skills, parenting skills, time you spend with children, emotional bond, etc. Tout your employment, can you flex your schedule if need be, could you work from home if the child was sick? What is your support network look like vs. WW (grandparents, friends, siblings, to help with child). PLay to WW's immorality and bad judgement, partying, decision to place OM above you and family and friends and eveything else. Take the bull by the horns. This is YOUR case not your lawyers although he can help you. Trust me I just did this and got full custody of our 18 mo. old son

Get your attorney's butt in gear.

Spoke with my lawyer this morning. He tried to assure me that the negative talk we had the other day was mainly his attempt at preparing me for the worst. He says that if we go to court, there are a lot of rules that could work against us. There would still be a chance that I could get custody, but I could end up giving her more money than my lawyer wants to pay.

I don't know how in depth they go with this. This is only temporary custody for the duration of the divorce proceedings. My original goal was to get custody, and then drag out the divorce until the Affair ended. While this is still the goal, I have already been thinking about the amount of time I want to give her to come back. I don't have anyone encouraging me to stay in this marriage anymore. Our marriage councelor isn't even encouraging it. This problem has dragged on for years with us.

My WW is not even talking to me right now. She called yesterday to talk to our son. I answered the phone, she asked to talk to him, they talked awhile, she hung up. I guess I don't even know which plan I am in anymore. If she comes back to town, I want to continue planA, but if she stays down there, I guess it's planB time. I really don't know what to say to her anyway, and of course, she is still blaming me for everything. Somehow, in her mind, I am the reason that she is living with OM.

I am supposed to call my lawyer in about an hour. He hasn't had any luck contacting her lawyer. Hopefully he will have some information for me then.

What problem EXACTLY has dragged on for years?

infidelity. Her first affair was in 1997. I believe that she never really got over the affair state of mind. She has blamed me all of this time for one thing or another, and I have lived up to alot of her ideas. But I haven't deserved the heartache that I have suffered.

Now get this. The proposed agreement lets me keep the house for the time being. I get to pay all of our debts off. This means that I get to pay her credit card bills. I get the truck she gets the suv. We share joint legal custody of our son with me having temporary primary residence status. I continue to pay health insurance for WW. I pay ALL expenses for our son. I get no child support. And to top it all off, I get to pay her $75 a week?! Who the hel! is the bad guy here?

Response:

Thank you for your offer but no thanks. This is so far removed from reality that we will not even address it. See our counter offer below:

Gale44, joint legal and primary custody of son, debt is split 50/50%, any remaining liquid assets split 50/50% after debt payoff, truck to Gale, suv to WW, Gale retains marital home after affording WW 1/2 of equity, split furnishings, kitchen wares, appliances, 50/50%, Gale keeps insurance on son and WW pays 50% of bills over the insurance allowed amount w/ 30 days notice and copies of invoices, WW gets her own insurance within 90 days of D, WW pays 14% of gross pay towards child support for son, WW gets visitation of every other weekend, one night during the week, 4 weeks during summer (2 uniterrrupted), sharing of hoidays switching in odd and even years, WW gets all mother's days and Gale gets all father's days, Spring break and Xmas breaks split 50/50%,

This would be my counteroffer

I wrote my lawyer a letter this morning. I haven't heard back from him yet.

""
Upon further review of the provisional agreement that you sent me, I have to say that there is no way that I would sign my name to this.

First off, the second item about me paying off marital obligations. This would be her credit card bills, and other unpaid bills of hers. I would accept this item if it is changed to read that I would us joint marital assets to pay off these debts.

Now the big problem. All I see is how I get to pay for everything, and she gets to do nothing and have me pay her money. Yet she insists on sharing joint custody of our son. If I have to pay her money, it had better buy me something. I want sole exclusive custody of our son. This IS the reason that I filed for divorce. This IS the reason that I hired you. I do not see how I can protect him, if we are sharing legal custody. I was under the impression from talking with you that there really was no such thing as shared legal custody anyway. If I have all of the financial obligation, then I want all of the legal obligation as well. I will not accept anything less.

As for giving her $75 a week. In her original response to the divorce, she asked for $600 a month spousal support. I will give her $600 and she can give me back $500 which would be her share of the mortgage payment. The rest she can have as $25 weekly payments. She is asking me to take food from my son's mouth just to give her comfort money. Money that she doesn't really need because she is living with (OM), and he can most certainly provide her with all of the comforts that she needs. If she were to move back to (our town), and rent a place to live, I could be more inclined to want to help her. But as it is right now, she doesn't need it, and is only asking to make things difficult. This woman is showing total disregard for her son's welfare, and doesn't deserve to receive a single penny.

Keep in mind that she abandoned our son. She took him to school and failed to return for him. I have stepped up and become his sole provider. She has chosen her lover over her own flesh and blood child, and does not deserve to see him let alone have custody of him. I may bend on the other points, but I cannot bend on this.
""

If I understand it correctly, the spousal support would only last until the divorce is final. I just cannot affort to give her $75 a week. I don't make much money as it is, and our mortgage is outrageous because that da*n store took us bacwards for years.

I just need to hold firm about the custody. My main goal right now is to keep our son out of her affair. My lawyer seemed to think that the agreement was pretty good. He acted as if I was getting what I wanted. I don't see it that way, and I know it may agrivate him a little, but I will do my best to get what I think my son needs.

I messed up a little bit the other day, and kinda went off on the WW. Our lawyers conferenced with the judge on thursday, and I recieved a new proposed agreement that afternoon. I went through the roof because not only had very little been changed, but it appeared that they had me paying even more. I made an assumption, which always gets you in trouble, thinking that my lawyer had told the judge that I agreed to this, and I was livid. Unfortunately it was at this moment that my WW decided to call me for the first time in two weeks. I started saying mean things to her, and how I hope she was enjoying her vacation at OM's house. I could tell that I was getting really upset, so I hung up on her. Later, I texted her, and apologized. I doubt that it did any good though. I am angry with myself for losing my temper, and my cool like that. I have done so good since sobering up, and turning my life and my will over to god. Obviously I haven't turned it over completely. I know that it is a process, and I am still working. I just fear that I have undone a lot with this outburst.

I do want to save this marriage if it is possible. I just don't know where we are right now. We are still stuck on the agreement. Mostly, I am hung up on having to pay her money every week. My attorney and I discussed the whole agreement one line at a time yesterday, and we determined where I am willing to bend and where I am not. He made me feel better about joint custody right now. Telling me it would mainly mean that she and I agree on where our son gets medical treatment, religious guidance, and schooling. I told him I can accept it for now. I will have primary physical custody, and there is a provision included that forbids her from allowing the OM around our son.

She still insists that she wants to come back to town so she can have our son. It's been two weeks, and she hasn't been looking for work, or leased that apartment. My mom thinks that she is where she wants to be. I am inclined to agree with her. I think that somehow she is rationalizing that I have taken our son from her, and she is the victim of my evil plan to destroy her.

When she called, it was to tell me that apparently a former OM is going around town talking. He seems to think that he might be the biological father of our son. I know for a fact that this is not possible. I know that she was involved with someone else when she became pregnant, but this doesn't stop the rumors. I don't know what she was trying to do by telling me this. I think in some sick way, she thought it might convince me that it would be best to move our son out of our town. I've got news for her. If my son goes, so do I. And he ain't going where she is at. I feel so bad for my WW right now. She is really sick. She really needs help, and she refuses to get any. I also have to fight the urge to go shut this guy up. I must admit that the only thoughts I have had for this man for years have been murder plots. If I would have ever thought that I could get away with it, I would have most likely tried. I know now that if I were to kill this man it would most likely threaten my sobriety, and I don't want to do that. I don't even want to talk to him. I will let people talk about whatever they want right now. I cannot stop them, and they don't matter to me. If I feel that it is best to move our son away in the future, then I will.

Other than that one phone call, my WW is not talking to me at all. She calls maybe once a day to talk to our son. She asks to speak to him and that is all she says to me. I am not pressing the issue. I am not calling her at all. I am not reaching out to her. I am letting her have her affair, and waiting to see what happens. I still don't know which plan I am in.

I have been seriously thinking that I am not going to get anywhere with my marriage until I make more progress with me. I have been stuck on step 4 now for a month. I got a sponsor, but I am not talking to him. I am letting too much stuff get in the way. My sponsor gave me some ideas on how to tackle step four, and I found something on the internet that may help me. I even feel my higher power leaning on me to get this done. The man giving the lead at a meeting friday night mentioned step four. He said "do it!" and he look straight at me when he said it. I know that this was my higher power talking to me.

Hi Gale, I am glad that you checked in. Don't worry too much about lovebusting your WW. None of us can be perfect all the time. My main concern from reading this is that it appears that your W has had NUMEROUS affairs over the years? I take it she is a serial cheater? Have y'all ever had any counseling for this? Have you ever addressed WHY she has affairs? Do you know why? Does she use your alcoholism as an excuse to have affairs?

Agree that you should just let the XOM blabber all he wants about your W. You have no control over what he does. You are that boys father, and thats all that counts. It might be fun to fantasize about killing the scumbag, but add some reality to the mix, such as a life in prison. Not good!

Am glad to hear you are getting to meetings and have found a sponsor. The most important thing right now is getting to as many meetings as you can. Step 4 can wait, but your peace of mind desperately needs the constant sanity injection of lots of meetings. Don't you notice a huge difference in your mood when you go to a meeting? I have become like a Pavlonian dog in that when I just walk into the room to my meeting, I feel myself calming down and returning to sanity. You will get to this point too.

So, hang in there. You are doing fantastic. If you doubt that, go back and re-read some of your first posts here. You are doing GREAT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A man has been going around town telling everybody that he is the biological father to your son and you feel quite confident this could not be true since your wife was involved with another man at this time? What is wrong with this picture?

I was hoping you would catch the joke about murder threatening my sobriety. Obviously I haven't given into the temptation to take that man's life. I often like to think that the only reason he is alive right now is because I will not go to prison for a piece of s**t. Thank God I never got drunk enough to do something that stupid.

As for her multiple affairs. She admitted to two men back in 97. The first happened in the summer-fall, and then the other happened around christmas. This is what she told me, and I believed her. She was certain who she thought the father was, and this is my reason for knowing that it is not the jerk that is shooting his mouth off.

What's wrong with this picture? You tell me. I obviously have a wife with a serious problem, and I want more than anything to help her. Considering my own disorder, I feel that I owe her the understanding and love that I promised her on our wedding day. This is definitely in the "for worse" category. She acted out sexually as a teenager, and I always figured that it was because her father was unable to meet her needs. I obviously dropped the ball somewhere along the line, and she lost respect for me. Easy enough to understand with the drinking. After d-day 98, I simply went to a very bad place, and I was not even capable of meeting her needs. Why we stayed together is beyond me. I loved her, and I was concerned for our son. I think that she liked me taking care of things that she didn't want to. I don't know for sure. Oh, and yes, she has used my drinking as a big excuse for her actions. She used my reaction to her affairs as the reason she had them. She actually twisted history in her mind, and used my reaction to justify what she did. Oh well.

The longer she is away, the more I think about what life could be like without her. I find more and more positives in that picture all the time. Not that I will deviate from my time limit right now. I would really like to save this family. It will take a lot of effort on her part though. I really don't know if she is up to it. She has exhibited a very weak character, and she doesn't seem to be willing to be honest with herself. Perhaps she will look at things differently when this affair is over.

Of course the affair may not end for a very long time. I am not holding my breath. I know my wife. I know that she has never been too willing to make sacrifices. This OM is obviously a worthless bum. I have had more than one person that I exposed to tell me that he will not hold a job for nothing. He hasn't worked at all since she started seeing him in april. She wants me to believe that he is on unemployment, but his 26 weeks has to be over by now. He doesn't smoke or drink, and I got the impression that he doesn't like her doing so either. She of course is not going to let anyone tell her that she can't smoke. So we'll just have to see how this whole thing works out.

Right now, my son and I are getting along pretty good. He doesn't ask about her very much, and I like that because I don't want to say anything bad about her. I also don't want to lie to him. She hasn't been back to see him since a week ago last thursday. She didn't act like she was coming up here anytime soon either.

I talked with her this morning for a little bit. She doesn't seem to know much about our tentative agreement. She thought that I was offering to give her money, not being asked to give it. So obviously she isn't communicating with her lawyer very well. I will try to use that to our advantage.