I am just wondering if anyone has experienced a similar situation to mine, and if so, could enlighten me on how long it took to recover from it. I think I just need some reassurance that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

In brief: A year and a half ago I divorced my ex-husband. He was an abusive sociopath who married me for purely selfish reasons.

This is not an exaggeration on my part. He was diagnosed as such by a psychiatrist and freely admitted that he didn't marry me for the right reasons. However, I did not discover these things until three years into our four year marriage.

The Marriage Builder tools would not have worked in our case and because of that, in hindsight, I do not feel like I was ever married at all.

I am fortunate in that my life has gone well since I left my ex, and I am generally very happy. However, I have noticed that I do not view marriage or relationships in general the way I used to.

I know that what I experienced wasn't normal as I am surrounded by examples of good marriages amoung both my friends and family. My parents, for example have been happily married for almost 35 years now.

However, despite all the evidence to the contrary, I no longer see getting married as a potential source of joy. I find it hard to believe that I can trust or rely on anyone except myself and I feel nothing but indifference when I attend a wedding and listen to the recitation of vows.

In short, I feel like something in me has died. I function normally in every other regard, but I feel somewhat numb when it comes to relationships. I am a very friendly and helpful person, but I tend to keep everyone at arms length, even my loving family.

I know part of the reason is that I am still healing from my "marriage," and I am considering going to conseling for it. I want to someday enjoy a real marriage with a normal husband, I was more than ready to settle down when I got married. However, I sometimes wonder if I will always feel this way.

No my dear, you will not always feel this way and what you feel is quite normal. A part of you has died and it takes time to get back on track.

I remember feeling so betrayed when my X cheated that I trusted nobody (not my brother, friends, anyone). I figured if the person I trust most in the world (my X) could betray me, then anyone could.

Give it time... time heals.

Chrissy - I am still M and living w/STBXH but we live totally separate lives now.

I will tell I have these same feelings. Though, I do not keep my family or friends at arms length. I embrace them for the strength they have given me.
I have alot of family, friends that have maintained a healthy, loving M for many years. BUT,,, I also know of many people that are bitterly D, having A's, separating, etc. I also am aware of my WH many MOW/OW. I also see that lack of respect he has from his own children (not ours together)I see such "family dysfunction" and it scares me..

It's like noone wants an exclusive R anymore, or they say they do but they don't follow thru.

I too don't see M as a joy that I can/will ever experience again. I just think the "times" we are living in and the temptations are too great for some to maintain an exclusive, loving R for very long.

I feel a part of me has died too - I don't want to subject myself to what I've been thru in the past 3 years again. And that's probably why I would not be able to put my heart on my sleeve again (even if WH wanted to) or with anyone. It's too painful when it ends badly. I've changed, some for the good some for the bad. I'm just not old softy I use to be...

Well, I don't feel nauseous at the sight of a wedding dress any more. But the vows don't thrill me, and I don't expect they ever will now that I know the reality.

On the other hand, I'm in a good relationship. It's pretty wonderful. I'm still pretty independent, but I'm adjusting.

So, just give it a lot of time.

Thanks for the replies, BHINWI I was especially glad of yours since you mentioned how you didn't even trust your brother. My parents still don't even know why I got divorced. I just haven't had the heart to tell them.

The one fortunate thing for me was that when the other woman appeared I was actually happy. It got his attention away from me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I just get so frustrated sometimes. I still have some trauma symptoms and I feel guilty bringing anyone in close to me because then they would have to deal with that too.

As a result, I have no support network. I just don't feel comfortable discussing my personal feelings with other people outside of a "safe" environment. I feel too vulnerable doing so. I know one reason I got stuck like I was for so long was because I got isolated. Now I worry I might sabotage my own future happiness.

At least I don't day dream about moving to a log cabin in Northern Canada anymore...towards the end of my "marriage", I didn't want to be near anybody! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

ChrissyD ~ My heart truly goes out to you. I too have found myself isolating & pulling back inside -- and I've been a VERY public figure in my community, church, etc.

In short: it's fairly normal. What I can recommend is getting with some healthy girl friends who can help you get your equilibrium back. If you can do it, PLEASE join a Recovery Group somewhere. It will truly help you build back up.

Think of it as Rehab. It's absolutely necessary if you don't want to waste a bunch of your life and/or get stuck in a bad place like isolation / depression / chronic resentment, etc.

God bless you!
High Flight