Hi all,

I need some advice and encouragement. We are 10 months past DDay (H had 15 month PA/EA with coworker) and while some things are slowly getting better we/I are still struggling. I feel that it has taken me this long for the black cloud of misery/depression/anger/obsession to lift enough that I am really able to begin working on the marriage in earnest. During this time we've made some progress at changing things in our marriage for the better. But there's also been lots of tears, frustration, talk of separation, dwelling, feelings of hopelessness on both sides etc. To be honest, there are still days that I wonder if I'd be better off starting over. (We're in our early 30s, no kids. Been married 3.5 years, together nearly 8. A started 15 months into marriage.)

A line from Janis Springer's 'After the Affair' keeps haunting me: "After an A you have a very small window of opportunity to improve your marriage." I worry that we have wasted that time and now it's too late to begin rebuiding properly as too much more hurt/damage has been done in the interim.

Anyone have hopeful stories about a bad first year that was successfully turned around? And if so, what made the difference for you?

Thanks all,

Lil

I'd be interested in the "small window of opportunity". Did she say anything more? I think I have the book. I'll look for it.

It took me 2 years after D-day to start feeling good about my life again, and my WH and I did not recover the marriage. In some ways, it is easier if the marriage doesn't recover.

I can't imagine still being together, and recovering any faster - there is too much to work through first. And I think it is much healthier to work on all of the issues, even though it may be very uncomfortable.

<quote:Janis Springer's 'After the Affair' keeps haunting me: "After an A you have a very small window of opportunity to improve your marriage.">

Talk like that - from multiple sources - keeps haunting me too. I keep telling myself, in my case, too much water has passed under the bridge.
But what other choice do I have? Only, give up.

It doesn't matter to you what she says. Sometimes it's true and often it is not. Everyone is unique, every situation is unique. What matters is, do you want to try survive this mess? If so, go ahead. A small chance is one one heck of a lot better than no chance.