EXCUSE ME???? Suzet was hung, drawn and quartered on this board for less than Stanley is doing.

I've noticed how you're all trying to turn this back on Myrta. Anyone else who came here with the same problem would be supported.

Stanley, I know you know it's wrong. It's VERY, VERY wrong.

I'm also amazed that Stanley is getting the old "oh well, she did it to to you so we can understand it."

So, I take from that it's sauce for the goose but not the gander. Because Stanley has "been through a lot" it's perfectly acceptable for him to engage in an EA. Because that's what IT IS.

Is that really the advice that should be given out. "We understand how you feel."

In other words, infidelity IS acceptable sometimes according to some of you.

Sheesh, give me a break.

"I have no emotional investment even though it looks bad."

Fog.

"I wrote my friend while on vacation because I felt like writing about the places I was visiting."

More fog.


"The only thing I can think off is that I needed to talk some more and she offered her ears. At the same time I preached and preached MB concepts and it came to appoint where it was her telling me I was violating those principles."

More fog babble. What a good friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

"In any event, I never developed romantic sensations during these exchanges."

Most people never do... at first.
Why were you on TOW? The attitude is sooo not pro-M.

"I kept telling her I was not the kind to enter into the fog, but that the flirting could improve some of my low self-esteem."

I hate to tell you this, bu this is fog talk.

"I see the allure, but I am not made to have a double life------I am not good at it."

That's funny, because before I got involved with OM I thought, "perfect! I'm so good at leading a double life this will work out just grand." NOT.

NO ONE thinks this, Stanley. This is also more fog talk.

Stop posting on TOW and start talking to your W.

Myrta, cut off ties to your folks until they stop talking to OM. Come clean with them.

You both have so much invested here... please stop playing games with one another and start listening and loving each other ((Stanley and Myrta))

Kiwij:

Getting completely naked with someone else other than your spouse while professing that this person is your soulmate is not the same as me telling a perfect stranger over the Internet about marital problems and how it feels to be betrayed.

Furthermore

Flirting for an instant is not the same as coupulating for hours and hours.

You're right Stanley. An EA may not equal a PA BUT... an A is an A is an A, and there is NO excuse for any kind of an A.

Stanley,

Holy smokes... your last post just shocks me. How long have you been here?

EAs are JUST as detrimental to Ms as PAs.

Some have said it is more difficult for a man to deal with a W's PA, while it is harder for a woman to cope with a H's EA.

Both acts betray. Both are selfish. No one said that flirting is the same as copulating, but it is typically the first step.

KM

Dead-on Katie Mae

An emotional attachment like the type one develops in an email relationship where they have not met can be a more powerful bond than a physical SF one.

I work at the border and see all the time people leaving their families, jobs, everything they have ever known for a stranger they developed emotional bond with over the internet...and lots of times they will be meeting them for the first time AFTER the move.

Don't underestimate an email relationship, our minds and emotions are very powerful tools of attraction...whether we know it or not.

I'm sorry you guys, both of you. I have always read your stuff and this is very sad to read. I wish you both the best and sure hope you can turn this around.

Hi Stanley,

You know MB folklore

Myrta was unhappy and uncomfortable. You're causing her pain.

Friend advised you were in dangerous territory.

Seems you're blowing off alot of Red Flags. Do you know why?

I'd feel HORRIBLY guilty if I had an internet friend I over-confided in AND a flirt-partner at work. My boundaries are 100 MILES farther away than yours. I know I'd be VERY upset if my H were involved with two women in such a way, so I do NOT engage in activites like those I'd not want my H involved.

Do you two need more RC? Getting 15 hours time each week? You've got to figure out why you are putting yourself in such vunerable situations. You're playing with fire. We'd tell any Newbie poster to RUN from these relationships - Dru

Jen, do me a favor and save this [email]cr@p.[/email] I gave him a very hard time on this thread and said Myrta should not tolerate his behavior.
In addition, I do not think what he did rises to her level... sorry but that is my opinion.

So to you're all trying to turn this back on Myrta is ridiculous. Perhaps you have a problem with the English on this thread. Who said it was okay for him to do this Jen????





Seems like all you want to do since your little fallout is to come here and stir things up... making up facts as you go along... I would ask you to read the thread again.

Oh for crying out loud MEDC. Since my little fallout as you call it I've been staying on Idiotville (where I belong as someone kindly pointed out to me) and sticking around on Pio's thread.

Actually, you called Suzet every name under the sun for having an EA.

FWIW I was one of the first posters who ever responded to Stanley way back when and also spoke to Myrta a great deal. Now don't blush Myrta, that's all forgotten LOL.

I'm just horrified that Stanley has chosen this way to "get back at Myrta."

During my A when I was very withdrawn from my H, there was a very attractive woman who was giving him her ear and they would talk most days at length. She was the first person he told about my A after d-day and she gave him a hug and told him she was there if he needed to talk. (My H told me all this).

I said to him once, were you tempted? and he looked at me in horror and said "NEVER, not once - I adore YOU." He ABHORS infidelity, always has and always will.

When I wrote my Internet friend I made it very clear---from day one-----that I would never entertain any romance of any kind. In fact, I was preaching MB to her constantly.


I am not saying this to justify doing something that hurts Myrta. However, there is not one molecule of an EA from my part. I know quite well it can happen, but in this instance there is no such thing. It may look like an EA, but to complete the equation one must have those feelings.

The flirting is probably more dangerous because I am visual. Like Bop Pure said----many of us feel entitled. It seems we want to experience what the wayward spouse felt. All it takes is one day when one is a little down and voila this young flirtatious woman comes along and one lets the guard down.

Those who had affairs and were foggy think that this can happen to anyone. However, do not forget that there are many people that never have affairs. Many walk to the line and back down. I am not one to have an affair. If I do I leave the marriage. I don’t have the capacity to find another woman and believe that she is my soul mate and to then make a 180-degree turn on d-day. If I ever find that so-called soul mate I am a goner.

To this day I still do not understand the mindset of those that come back to the marriage after an affair.

I also do not understand the double life. I have tried to—-----I even flirted. I had my Internet friend and all of that. Still—-----I do not get it. I cannot see how a person becomes the soul mate of someone else while staying in the marriage. The ones that have experience that “soul mate thing” think that anyone can do it. Well---I haven’t.

I would suggest that you get the opinion of some more BH about this... because a PA is what most struggle with the most.. that and the lies that accompany it... and most PA's also involve EA too. It is a double edged sword.

And the first steps do not a marathon make.

I mean there are 2 posters on this thread that feel that they didn't start their A's over again even though they broke NC in the past. One downplayed it to no end... and her actions were more severe than Stanley's. Let's get real here folks.

Jen, You failed to respond to how everyone is turning this back on Myrta.



Really, show that to me... I think that is a lie. I called her on her behaviors and for harming her H again. Back up your words and I will apologize.

MEDC, I meant that it became all about the OM and the OM pining for Myrta. That's nothing to do with this thread.

Anyway, I hope Myrta and Stanley sort this out. I'm very fond of both of them.

Look, MEDC, it's 9.45am on a Thursday morning here.

I have work to do and I could trawl through all Suzet's thread and find something, somewhere where you called her a name.

But, WHY?????? It won't help Stanley and Myrta.

So do I. This thread had a lot in it before the part about male pining for her... and it didn't become about that. I gave Stanley a very hard time and he deserves it.

BTW... here is my first response to Suzet when she posted that thread in Recovery ... she thought she didn't belong anymore...



Did I eventually get on her about not letting him know... yep.. and I would do it again... but that is my way and I was trying to help them both.

Stanley,

You know it's wrong so STOP it! 2 Wrongs do not make a right. After all you 2 have been through did you really think this through? Do you really think this is a good idea? Man I fear you have screwed the proverbial pooch in a big way. Your turn now to show regret, remorse, guilt, and then provide Myrta with restitution.

And Most importantly PORH! First with yourself then with Myrta.

Stanley,

If you have to justify and rationalize and defend because it LOOKS bad ...then you are playing with fire.

If you have to get out a razor to split hairs with a laundry list of reasons why THIS behavior differs from WS behavior..then there is no arguament that while you may not be OVER the edge..you aren't avoiding the edge either.

I certainly wouldn't accept that from my H.

When I see the edge I run in the other direction and I expect the same courtesy.

The rule of protection means that Myrta does not have to PROVE that the behavior is inappropriate..she only has to say that it makes her uncomfortable.

Which she has.

Dismissing that in favor of continuing the behavior puts you in the WS category for me.

How do things look from the other side of the fence?

Shall we change your status to BS/WS?

"Those who had affairs and were foggy think that this can happen to anyone. However, do not forget that there are many people that never have affairs. Many walk to the line and back down."

Stanley, I respectfully disagree. Before my A, I KNEW my boundaries. I had been propositioned before, and would NEVER think of having an A. I had several friends devistated by infidelity. I loved my H very much. However, when things started going wrong in my M, I let my boundaries slide. It CAN happen to anyone.

Also, when you are in the fog you don't realize it. You think you are being completely rational. Last month I spoke to OM after months of NC. I decided to tell his W who did not know by sending her a copy of SAA and a brief note that said NOTHING about the details of the A... just "I'm sorry." I thought I was doing the right thing, but this was fog at its finest. I'm lucky I came here and folks help me correct my mistake and sort myself out.

"To this day I still do not understand the mindset of those that come back to the marriage after an affair."

Stanley, this is very scary and sad. You're WIFE did this. You accepted her back, and you both decided to work on the M. What if I were to say, "I'll never understand the mindset of a BS who takes a WS back." This is more fog-babble. You REALLY need to get away from the TOW board! You sound so cold right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Do you want to save your M?

MEDC- yes of course, I understand what you are saying. Maybe I wasn't clear... I even think I read it on this site... women have a more difficult time dealing with the fact that their H's got emotionally close to another woman while men have a more difficult time dealing with their wives being with another man physically. My H said that while the EA part of my A was hard, he NEVER wanted to know ANYTHING about the physical part, ever. Each person is different, but seeing that SF is typically a man's number one EN and conversation is typically a woman's, it makes sense.

KM

Does it matter to what degree the other ones mistakes are. The thing is that both behaviors have hurt both people. We need to own our own behaviors, see what we bring into our marriages and if our behaviors are hurtful to our spouses whether we agree with it or not we need to stop that behavior.

It doesn't matter if you think you are having an EA what matters is the fact that your wife is hurt by your behavior with other women. I don't know many women on here that would not be hurt by what you are doing. Discussing intimate details of a marriage with the opposite sex is very hurtful unless done in the confines of counseling. What happens if the op has developed feeling for you, amazing how women have this rescue syndrome where they feel they can help others and than develop inappropiate feelings.

Whether you want to call it an inappropriate relationship to an EA to nothing at all it is hurting your wife and hurting your marriage. I heard some of the same things from my spouse five years ago, he is just now seeing the damage that his actions caused, and that yes he was crossing the line. Something that he cannot stomach at this time and it is tearing him up because he thought he was above that.

Yes your wife hurt you, however is she doing all she can to fix that? Is she doing all she can to help you two grow into what the two of you can become? If not have you discussed it with her instead of the other person. Are you telling this other person things that you should be telling your wife? Why are this other woman's views and thoughts so important to you?

Think about what the two of your are bringing to this marriage, not what the other person has done and the fact that what that other person did was more wrong than what may be going on now. Take a look deep inside and ask yourself is what I am doing now bringing positive things into my marriage, where is my thought life in regards to all of this.