Interesting...I'm ex-Army myself. And I NEVER agree with Melody...LOL.

But she's right. If he remains in contact with OW, in violation of direct orders from his CO, he should suffer the consequences of that action.

He's an officer...apparently a "career man". He clearly understands what those consequences are. If he fails to follow the orders given by his CO, then he should be held accountable and responsible for that choice.

Affairs DO have consequences. And so does failure to follow a direct and lawful order.

Yes, his family would suffer from the loss of employment. They're suffering from all the other side-affects of the affair already...this is one more of those. Sad, but simply the facts of the situation.

I understand your point very well. The difference is that I just focus on 'financials for children', not other things you (and others) talk(ed) about...

I.e. I don't write about protecting neither him nor his career but children's support in EITHER case (marriage over or not, and (if) he fired... For he can continue contact, be fired, than get back to Will and their M, as one of possible outcomes... And also, do you need a destroyed (financially or otherwise) man either way, especially when he's the father of your children...)

OK...here's the thing.

If contact continues, the damage to his marriage and his family continues.

If contact ends, it creates the circumstances where his marriage (and his family) has the chance to continue intact.

To give his marriage and family a CHANCE of recovery, then she HAS to force the NC policy.

If he does lose his job (or if he leaves her), she's going to find herself forced to support herself and her children anyway. Personally, I'd recommend that she start working towards managing that issue ASAP regardless of the state of contact.

If she sits back and accepts contact for ANY reason after threatening to deal with it harshly, she gives her WH the signal that he can do whatever he wants with no consequences. If she starts preparing herself and her family to survive NOW, in case this does happen, it proves to him that she's SERIOUS about her boundaries.

I think she's done all the right things up to this point...but if she finds she's been played, she needs to go to the CO immediately and be ready to implement her plan to take care of herself and her children, and let her WH suffer his fate.

BTM, she needs to do what is RIGHT for her family and that does not involve protecting her H from the consequences of his bad choices. That is HARMFUL to all involved and is irresponsible. Helping him get away from the consequences of his choices is NOT helpful to him, his wife or his children, in the long run. A job can easily be replaced, a marriage and a family CANNOT. Income interruption is no excuse to protect him from his choices.

Let's agree to disagree here.

B2M,

Are you nuts??? Not only should this guy get his act together, he needs to do it quickly! The military has these regulations (now Instructions) and the UCMJ for the safety of our troops. He knew going in that adultry is a violation of the UCMJ, HIS CHOICE! It should not be up to the BW to protect him from the consequences of his choices. Yes, if the M goes south she will have to be prepared to fend for herself and her kids, but DO NOT put the onus of this on her back! It is his career, his choices, and his consequences, his and his alone.

The CO and his BW are giving him a chance to redeem himself, if he squanders that opportunity there is nothing anyone can do. It is his choice, he can make a good or bad choice, but it is his choice. We all know there are consequences for every choice we make. He knows this too, but has chosen to ignore it.

She is protecting her family and trying to protect her marriage, he has screwed it up, and if he loses his career it's his fault. If his children go hungry because of his choices it is HIS FAULT, NOT HERS! He is a big boy, he wanted his cake and to eat it too, now he has to pay! She will be able to take care of her children, one way or the other.

If he had worked for me when I was on active duty I would have pushed for the max, he is, while involved in an A, an unfit soldier, his focus is not and can not be on the tasks at hand. How can his soldiers trust or depend on him when he is lying about everything? His integrity is shot. His creditability is shot. Everyone knows he is a liar and a cheat. Do you think his soldiers feel they can trust him? I know they can't until this issue is resolved.

Wake up and smell the coffee!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



No problem then.
I.e. if so, please disregard my messages.

Wow... a girl is gone for a day and lots of chatter on the thread!!

I have my own reasons for not going to CO, and it's a little of everything. I believe it's the right choice for my family, and I believe that it is working.

Yesterday, my WH was taken out of his sq. The CO had seen that the sq was not going to be able to recover until my WH was OUT of the sq. While my husband was great at his job... and love it, this was the best decision for everyone. It's devastated my WH completely. Yes, needed to be done. But he's STILL in the military, with his rank and pay, only moved elsewhere for now. I'm amazed at the compassion his CO and others have shown.

Before the sq removal happened, WH and I had made HUGE strides toward getting past this. This still holds true... He came home because I wasn't answering his calls. (We'd had a nasty fight the night before and I was still hurt... didn't want to talk to him). He was worried about me, for me... and he realized that he still loved me because I wasn't talking to him!!!!! He came home and asked forgiveness from me. For a few moments... I saw my H peeking through, not the WS that he'd become.

After the removal, he came home again, sad... but still my H (not the WS). He's a still in the fog... but at least the fog is a little thinner now. I'm not foolish enough to think that there won't be attempts to contact... but I'm holding out hope.

I've been in frequent contact with OW's H. We're verifying the movements and contact between the two. He's a nice guy! I've been very impressed with him and how he's handling things as well. I'm lucky in that regard, too.

Baby steps... for WH, they are HUGE. But I'll take the steps forward for what they are. FORWARD.

Today, there looks like hope on the horizon that we'll make it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WAT

So happy to hear that you are seeing a difference in your H!!!! He is very lucky to have a woman that will stick by him thru this!!!

Your H's CO made the right move. Have heard of this happening quite a bit. An A does not make a bad soldier (infact so many of them can continue to do an outstanding job at the workplace) it does mean that a soldier made a bad choice.Just like anyone else they deserve to be given another chance, imo. So many times soldiers are busted for DWI's, bad pee test and other things....most times they are given a 2nd chance. Some take that 2nd chance, some don't. (and in no way am I comparing bad pee tests or DWI's to an A...just making a point that if given a 2nd chance some do change)

Moving both soldiers is a must. Now that hurdle is removed and you and the ow's H can keep the fight up.

Your H's pride will return and hopefully the soldiers he works with will now have new eyes on the topic of infidelity. (how often do we think about it unless it happens to us? ya' know) Perhaps now they will learn from your H how dangerous this is to your family and your career, maybe a handful of them will think twice befor covering for one of their buddies or doing it themselves. Sometimes we can learn a lot from someone elses mistakes.


You may have some steps backwards and boy are they hard...but sometimes a step back means a few extra forward.

Hang in there, it IS worth it!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Smart woman!!
(Exactly what I mean about some "rules" - they are not always applicable/right for every case, but every case has right and is right to have their own...)


There are always other better choices than the worst one (to go to CO/m.court), and this one is just the best!
Bravo for CO!

And for you too, smart lady!

My best wishes!

Just letting you all know that I believe (now) FWH is in the last stages of withdrawal and has moved into recovery. He has (of his own choice) apologized to me, my mother (since she is the only one in my family who knows...), his sq, friends, AND to OW's H.

The letter he sent to her H was incredible. I had NO idea that he would do that. He's taking proactive steps to repair our M. He's been open and honest with me concerning his feelings and emotions. I am so very proud of him right now. Tell you what, let me copy and paste the letter (edited for names) that he sent her H. OW's H called and spoke to my FWH a couple of days ago and said his peace concerning this. Not angry, but simply put it all out there and my FWH took it. At first, wasn't really thrilled, but he thought about what was said, and then sent the email to her H... give me a second and I'll post it....

OW'sH,

I first apologize for contacting you after I so bluntly declared that we didn't want to hear from you again.

I feel the need to explain my actions in the past weeks, extremely apologetically, and to encourage you with your wife, who I know without a doubt loves you. I have CC'ed my wife in this so you know that I speak to you with her full knowledge and support. I indeed have turned a corner and have included her in the deep dark crevices of my heart.

I apologize for not being direct about this when I spoke to you, but I am regretful of the pain I have caused you; not knowing you, only hearing third party of you ever -- I had no cause to steal from you what I have stolen, and I regret the pain I have contributed to, both to you and to my wife.

You made me aware that OW has told you of my attempts to contact her, and I assure you they have ceased. Throughout our relationship she was the one who clung to the wrongness of it, and the need to stop. She was the final determining factor which also set me free to be with my wife and sons again. Her decision was a shock to me, as she had never been so decisively against me; thus, my pursual of her recently. I so wish that I could have been a stronger man and made those decisions myself months ago, but as you have been informed, I was weak and vulnerable to another woman as well - a woman who recognized my weakness and exploited it. I am no longer proud - I have nothing in my military accomplishments to cling to, so I have turned to my Lord and my wife, both of whom I knew very well in the past and to whom all things must lead for right and good.

I am sorry to you to say that I was willing to give up everything to be with OW; I had no thought of the path it would lead to, only of my happiness and that which I thought I could give her. I am proud of her for taking a stand to be with you - she chose the right path - it took me quite a bit longer to make that choice, but I have done so.

OW'sH, please forgive me for the hurt I have caused you. I am paying my own prices in the military - I have lost the job I considered the best I could have ever had, and my family and I will be moving soon as a result. However, I have the love of a courageous woman and three perfect sons. I may never understand the reasons willsurvive felt compelled to call you, but nonetheless she is a strong woman, I appreciate her very much, and we are making exponential progress. If you need someone to talk to I do encourage you to call her any time you feel the need and I will not step in the way.

I thank you for your convictions - as a brother in Christ you have encouraged me, as reluctant and defensive as I seemed on the phone. willsurvive and I are praying for you as well - thank you both for your prayers for us.

I leave you to your life, and will never interfere again - I pray that someday you will forgive me for my actions, and that you will know without uncertainty, as I'm sure you have always known, what a precious gift you have been given in OW.

Sincerely,
willsurvive's FWH

Hmmm.

As a BS... my honest take on it is that it is a bunch of crap. There is no need for your H to say what he does. Specifically his shot about 'I know without a doubt' ... that statement alone is about enough to make me jump in the screen and hit him in the nose.

If that letter somehow comforted you, well...I'm amazed. His only words that he should have spoken to the OM are these:

OW'sH,

"I'm extremely sorry for my cowardly actions towards you."

H.

That is about the only thing he really has any need to say to him. If he needs to 'bare his soul' to feel something better about himself, it should have been done on paper and burnt or given to his counselor. GRRRR.

WillSurvive,
You seem pleased with that letter, but anything good in it was negated with his "precious gift" statement.

I hope someday you come back here and tell us he has apologized to you for saying that.

I agree Lexxy.... that last line was not necessary.

He needs more time, he's trying to "save" her (OW) and is trying to take the blame. The line says it all. I think it disrespects will. Hopefully he will finsih his withdrawl and understand what a gift fhis wife is. Advance with caution, recovery is a rough road, but well worth it. Here I am 6 years out.

It sounds like a letter OW would ask your WH to write. It's more about her than the OWH, your WH or you and your family. Just a thought - Dru

I personally think, you WH should not have sent anything at all. He should have just left it alone and just tried to get himself and yalls marriage back in order.

I know if my EXs.........OM sent something like that to me, I would throw it into file 13.

I want everyone to know that I had full knowledge BEFORE the letter was sent and even read through it. While I wasn't thrilled about the last line, I felt that everything prior to that was something that needed to be said. For both my husband and HER husband. I'm waiting to hear back from OW'sH on what he thought....

But in regards to that last line (since I know it stuck in a craw), I was willing to allow that simply because he has begun to acknowledge TO ME his feelings about her, that he now believes she didn't love him, and while he isn't "over" her yet, he is trying VERY hard, and that he still loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make things right.

He's proving that by his apologies to my mother and by his apology to OW's H. To ME, that's important. He had yet to acknowledge that he had tried to steal ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE. That letter showed that he had finally realized that and his personality (something that I consider a strength) forced him to acknowledge and apologize directly to the person he hurt the most (ie: me and OW'sH).

He still has to finish his withdrawal. I know that. But these steps he's made this last week, especially, have shown me that he's willing to make it work. Even though it's painful. For us BOTH.

He's told me EVERYTHING, or at least is making daily strides toward complete honesty. I know that I will always be "finding out" things. But I know that he is SHOWING me instead of just telling me. And that goes a long way.

OW'SH and I are still in frequent contact. We've resigned ourselves to the simple fact that our contact will have to remain in place for many, many years to come if we want both of our respective M's to work.

The letter was sent... and I approve of the action. I had wanted FWH to do that, to apologize to OW's H where I could see it. Now, if it had been to HER, then I might have gotten a little (more than!) upset.

Daily, we move forward. But I believe that FWH is working toward recovery. Not there yet, but definitely working toward that goal.