No, and my si2ation is quite different. I've been M'd 2 my W for over 30 years now. We have 2 great kids: DD 27 and M'd, and DS 19. I really mean great, 2. Real thinkers.

My W started her A with a married coworker/colleague (nicknamed "Rat Meat") while in grad school about 16 years ago. It was mostly an EA, with some PA. They managed 2 hide their A from me for 11 years, though his W found out about it over 10 years ago and made them move 2 another state. I wish she'd told me then. My W hired RM 2 consult on a project of hers in 2000, and the A 2k off again that spring. They only saw each other 2 or 3 times in 2 years, and she decided 2 end the PA in November 2001. I found their emails in January 2002. He continued 2 consult for her for another year and a half, when she finally quit her job. His W divorced him over 3 years ago, and he married someone else last fall. And yet they STILL had email contact after that. This May, she asked me if, for mother's day, she could have permission 2 contact him about work-related things, and got upset all over again when I said I won't accept him back in our lives again.

So, I'm still "dealing" in some ways, and she's definitely still struggling with withdrawal. The good news is that I'm detached from the drama so much that it won't matter 2 me one way or the other what she ultimately decides 2 do. The bad news is the same.

I've said for years on here that love is a choice and not a feeling, but I really understand that now. There are very few people I've met here who've had 2 DV but managed 2 have a strong, positive post-divorce relationship with their XS. Now, I know I could do that if need be. And for now, I can have a positive relationship with her while she goes through withdrawal and either grows from her experience and chooses our marriage or otherwise. It truly doesn't bother me anymore that she might decide 2 renew contact, or even have another A. I'll be fine (but most likely single)

-ol' 2long

wow. i am humbled.

when you talk to a WW how do you come across kind, soft sincere or dont care.

can i say i want to emotionally re connect with you?

or is that bad idea?

Guess what....I DIDNT CALL HER TODAY

this is a great victory for me.

i can actually go a day w/o talking to her
(hurt like ****** though)

guys i am just trying to get a hold of my emotional faculty. its hard.

just please walk with me til i gain some footing.

at least i have friends here that when they say that they understand , they truly understand.

i love you all.

see you all monday. pray for me. later.

going to spend time with my precious son.

(((nc007)))

Prayers for your family...You take care...Remember YOU will be okay...

Mrs. W

Ms.W hope youre here.

Day 4

I messed up.

I stuck to the plan of getting movie and had fun, happy and upbeat.

Then when i was letting her out i asked the question. "about staying with us"

no (expected)

i replied " ok be careful. call me when you come to open the gate for you"

she replied that she will be back by 2:00AM

told her it would rip my heart out.

have i reached the end of my rope

just learnt she came to the babbysitter with the man. looking at an apt. to rent.

it didnt work out.

had i major relaspe. saturday i caught both of them together in a van talking. all my composure was lost and later when we spoke. i told her that she had hurt me ..to cut a long story short we had an argument. not loud but an argument non theless.

That when my child told her that he wanted to be with me....three times! she thought i put him up to it but i said no. never did.

i told her that her choices was her choices.

she said that she actually started to feel something but this argument has set us way back and she feels closer to her friend.

deep down i feel like i blew it.

she say dont do anything for her. do it for my son. she doesnt want anything from me.

she packed some clothes and left. i pulled a "pretty woman moment at the elevator" with her asking her please to understand that i never ment to hurt her.

as she got into the car, i said the same thing holding her hand.

she came back late (11:30) saturday night.

in the morning it looked like nothing happened.
I went to church. she fixed my tie. and complemented on the dinner i made. (Trying not to figure her out)

I feel like her " friend" is giving her poisonous input.

in the argument saturday she said that if OM was single 2-3 years ago she would be gone. long gone (looked pretty mad too)

she calls him daily and vice versa.

She said that i had shut her out of my life when she tried to get me to further my education and take care of the family (legitamate case). and others (questionable). Now i cant expect her to undo 10 years of not having me here to turn around in one month. She said that i am as good as dead to her.

have i blown it?

Ms. W , phone numbers dont link to home. that enterprise a failure.

nc:

I have 2 run, but I want 2 try and urge you 2 get hold of Gramn or Good Father, 2 guys with si2ations similar 2 this one, but farther along perhaps.

The wonderings can help a lot here, 2.

My kids were pretty grown when d-day happened for me, so my help may not be what you need right now. I think you need 2 document things that are happening carefully in case you need it for custody battles down the road.

Massive and decisive exposure NOW would also be in order.

It's true that, if the WS is angry at something you've said or done, it usually means you did the RIGHT thing, not the wrong thing.

-ol' 2long

I'm here nc007...I'm getting my thoughts together to respond...just wanted you to know that I am here...hold on...

Mrs. W

k thanks. our phone system is dirrerent. she only use the cell and it is only prepaid credit.

hence any suspect number are erased by her from the phone.

if it comes apart......do they usually come somewhere down the line and say sorry?

i think emotionally i feel like a failure. i dont know if i am going to need professional help.

is it OK to feel this?

Just wanted our child to have a nuclear family.

is this situation still be able to turn around?

'Fraid that i withdrew ALOT of LOVE DEPOSITS with the argument.

whats my next move......still plan A (in hope)

thanks Ms.W , 2long

i am sitting my major exams this afternoon. this morning she was asking what was i thinking. so i spoke about our son future and his needs and providing for him.

she said although is late you are starting to think like a father.

anything else? she asked.

i said her.

her reply i am the least,dont think about me. nothing to think about.

again she shut me out.

dont know if i blew it again.

yes, you did majorly blow it, NC.
she's in full withdrawal from you. dont bother asking her to come back: know that every time you do, you are not helping your situation, you are HURTING it. every time you ask right now, you are driving her further away.

it sounds like you have zero balance in her "love bank" for you. any begging, pleading, and definately arguing with her of virtually any kind, will keep it there. you're going to have to stay clean for at least a week, with zero screwups, to be able to keep the slightest balance with her, I think.

when in doubt, or whether you are unsure of your self control... keep your mouth shut, about yourself, or your relationship. Just smile, maybe ask if she needs [whatever], or ask how her day went, etc.

I think she is still living at home with you, although not much of the time, sounds like.

I would suggest trying to just be nice to her at home, showing that you both care about her, and are even capable of being consistently nice to her, without further hurting her. right now, she doesnt believe you are.

she may be pissed off enough at you at this point to move out soon. If not.. be glad, and be loving to her.. without being pushy. Offer things, but let her decide whether or not to take them. You might think of trying to befriend a wild animal or something. Offer them a piece of food... stay very very still.. and MAYBE, they'll come take it.
or they might come close and just sniff it.
or just watch you for a while (and maybe next time, they'll come sniff it)

It was a really good thing that she liked your cooking, or at least said so. I'd suggest try to be consistent, but "normal" with that. Dont try to do "extra special" dishes every night. she'll think that's fake/desperate. but once a week or something maybe, go for it.

you've gotta be more patient with her now.
your mind is desperately trying to DO, DO, DO something with her. go try to distract it with other things. find your favourite things in the world to do, that you've probably forgotten about, and go do them. splurge on yourself a bit, to distract yourself, if thats what it takes. you need to slow down to her pace in your interactions with her now, i think.

pray that i pass my exams. 1:30 PM local time

techie is it done for then?

nc007...

Ok first, on exposure...Do you know where OM and his girlfriend live? You can go to her door and expose...It does NOT have to be a phone call...I'm not certain if Jamaica is included as part of the territory for www.NetDetective.com but I do know that some people here have used that site to gather information and have been successful in doing so...Also many here have used www.zabasearch.com nc007, exposure is what we MUST concentrate on right now...

Her words are fog inspired and truly you can't put stock in them, and I know that must be torture...She is using revisionist history right now when it comes to your relationship...I noticed that you said there is some validity in what she says, okay, good, you understand that you are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage pre affair, but nc007, KNOW THIS, the affair is NOT your fault...The affair is ALL HERS TO OWN...she had other choices, but she is the one that CHOSE the affair...Don't argue with her about that, I just want you to know...

2long is right, you MUST be documenting EVERYTHING regarding interaction with your child for reasons of custody should it come to that...You want to be the one that does the MOST amount of the parenting for him right now, as you are the most stable parent...Journal everything in your handwriting in a spiral bound notebook...Interact with his babysitter and/or teachers as often as possible and document it...Times that she is out with OM and not with your child, document it...all of it...pretty much your entire lives right now get documented...NOT your feelings, ONLY THE FACTS, k? Not that your feelings aren't important(use a separate journal for that or use here), but in the court system they aren't necessary...

Okay, don't beat yourself up over any mistakes you make along this path...You are going to make mistakes, accept that, mistakes can be overcome, we move forward from here...Let's get to work...MAJOR WORK...on exposure...I've told you before, but COURAGE IS IN THE DOING...LET'S DO IT!

Mrs. W

is there any hope to start again?