Tigger,

Thankyou for being so open. I probly will have more questions.

Gem,


In reality, what else does she have?
She could do some invasive spying on me. At this point that would be fine, I don't have anything to hide. I have already spilled my guts about everything.

As far as contact, there has been a lot of conversation that I have not shared on the boards. MrsTH knows how much my daughter means to me. MY W also knows now HOW MUCH SHE MEANS to me as well. I do LOVE my wife very much. If I didn't, I would have just given up and filed for divorce.

When I talk with MrsTH, she is most concerned about contact with the OW. She knows the daughter had nothing to do with the sin that me and the OW did. WE have made a decision that WE should continue visition.

I have been LUCKY that the OW has not tried to "stir the pot" and create BIG DRAMA. I don't expect she will either. I think OW just wants to go on with her life.

Now that all the legal stuff is done. I expect things to be pretty quiet.

If you don't belive me, ask MrsTH, I suspect you know where she can be found.

TH

>In reality, what else does she have?

Herself.

That's ALL she has right now.

She needs more time to trust you.

Take what you are given right now, be content with it for the moment and strive for more.

Continue this:

>I don't have anything to hide.

Live it. Let it be the lighthouse you erect in order to guide her back to being able to trust you.

- Kimmy

The Considering.....alludes to the past, where you have, on a Marriage Building Site, not listened to the wife, but instead pontificated about the needs of the oc.

TH, it's just that you are placing a huge burden on your wife right now by continuing visits. She's barely had time to digest all of this.

I'm just saying to allow her some time. Wait until her feelings have healed somewhat. You see the very thing she's worried about, *OW*, is natural. Even though you two agreed, she may be in no state of mind to deal with this. And every time you have that baby girl over, she's dealing in pain again.

Can't you let it go for a while? Can't you two go on a vacation together? Can you two counsel with the Harleys to let you into your wifes mind and what she's feeling this early?

Often times a bs agrees to visits for fear of her H leaving. Early on you said you'd do that. If she's opposed in the near future to continue visits, will you then leave the marriage to satisfy your own selfish needs again?

I am not 'queen' of what the outcome is during this nightmare of nightmares, but surely the ow will be around you two for the rest of your marriage simply by the fact you fathered a child with her and insist to co-parent. This is a real problem early on for the bs when visits are placed equally with trying to heal a broken marriage.

All I am trying to say is if you can put things on hold and allow your wife time to catch up, you two may well have a better chance in your reconciling your marriage.

It's not going to be something she can 'get used to' naturally in the coming years. Take it from one who knows that.

Visits may work out for you two, but you're putting the cart before the horse.

Blessings to you and Mrs.TH.

Maybe she can start a thread about this herself? Or would she fear your reading what's on her mind?

Besides you, she needs a venting place where she can have her feelings validated, know she's normal.

Have a good day.

Debi

I won't deny, I was guilty of this.
I was afaird to lose one of my children. In truth, I should have worried more about my W, but I just was not thier at the time. Like Sue in the book Surving the Affair, I was angry about needs not being met and had no faith that things would change.

Well, I learned that things can be differnt. That I CAN be happy with my W. After reading "His/Her Needs" I relized what I HAD NOT BEEN DOING and why my W was so angry at me all the time. Prior to this, I just saw her additude at me as an "ungratefull load of crap".

I will also say, she has learned too about what I was looking for and needing.

Are things perfect now? No. But am I trying in good faith? Yes. I belive my W is trying to recover the health of the M too. That has helped tremendously in me softing my stance on positions.

I have posed the question to MrsTH if we should stop visitation. At the same time, I also told her I have ZERO desire to leave my family. I have not posed the threat of leaving anymore.

We have jointly agreed to visitation.

As far as MrsTH posting, she does have a place to do that.
She knows about MB and another site that she often reads. I have a computer all set up for her IF SHE CHOOSES to use it.

If she is afaird of me reading her thoughts, she can post to that private area. If I really wanted to, I could crack it, but I feel she needs her own place to vent and I don't care to see it anyway. I have my own "fall guys" to talk with when I know I am mad and would regret words that I am saying.

TH

Would you tell your DW that I am pulling my membership from that other site she reads?

If she needs me, she can contact me here anytime or email me.

OK,

Can I ask why? How about you send an Email?
I know about boundries and all, so perhaps send it to my W.


Have anything to do why the site is down?

If it means anything TH, I think you've come a long way since you first posted. You are trying and it shows. It takes guts to come to sites like this and reach out for help.

Thanks familycomesfirst,

It does mean something to me.

TH, the "considering....." was about Autumn.

Hey, I agree with familycomesfirst. You do seem to be on the right track. I am glad you have read books and post on here. You would be well served to make an appointment with the Harleys.

Also, it takes a long time to get past the betrayal. You will be far more recovered then she will, and that is when you are going to need to be even kinder and more gentle with your wife.

I am glad you are going to keep an eye on your children also. Children can feel betrayal also. And once again, just cause a healthy child is born from the affair, does not erase the damage the affair caused to the whole family. Enjoy the good days, use them for building blocks for a new foundation. Then be aware that you could go a few days, where things seem to be on the mend, she gets triggered and she will be agitated, angry and upset and it will catch you off guard.

This horrible attack on her and your family can be healed, but it severe and needs to be tended to in a thoughtfull manner. Ignoring the OW is obvious. Also, it would do your nuclear family a ton of good to spend some quality time as just that...no affair issues, no oc around, just you, your wife and your COM. Put all the drama aside for a late summer weekend. Spend time just being. Have fun with each other, as a family. No outside drama, nothing but easy, relaxed family fun.

Thanks Lynn, (those are words I thought I would never say :-))


Well, it seemed to fit and it got me to thinking.


This has happened more than a few times. Current stratagy is to see if she will let me hold her (not a rejection yet), then listen, then tell her I love her and have ZERO plans to leave.

It is deflating when it happens, but I know it is a part of the process. I know it may go on for years. She is worth it.


TH

You are all absolutely right! The child is just a child but the sanctification of our marriage came first and you destroid that.You are willing to give up your childeren of marriage for this other girl. That to me sais they are not all equal to you.

Hi Mrs. TH, welcome to MB. Glad to see you here.

This will be interesting.............

No, this is not interesting this is the most unbarable times in my life and I say I have had a few. If you really want to fill my love bank you should stop reading these posts because you are not hearing word for word what the ladies are saying.You are doing what big daddy warbuck wants. It's my turn and I think you don't give these woman any credit and they have been through ****** and back. If you were really meeting my needs all these years then you could have the audasity to say its a two way street but.....
Is there enough water and food to go around. I think my point is that I really do need you but not if your going to keep driving the point that everything is good now that we have worked out the child sitch.We have not jointly agreed to visitation, you were going to leave if I did not accept it.If you want advise and thats why I think you are here then you have to be willing to take it and your not so why don't you get off and start spending your energys being with me and the boys.Call the Harleys, wow thats a great idea why didn't I think of that! Oh I did....

P.S. I love you so deeply I am willing to go through this unbarable life!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you have these feelings, then you best get them out.
I am feeling like I am talking to two diffenrt women.

TH

TH and Mrs.TH,
Please do yourselves a favor and schedule a first session with the Harleys.

TH, it is just as I suspected, Mrs.TH agreed out of fear to have visitation. Just because you say you are not leaving, she is not ready to trust or believe you. Many here do that and invite more misery into their lives in order to preserve the original family. They do it, and regret it, and have a life of constant pain.

The marriage must come first.

Then, after your wife feels safe again, you may discuss what to do. She may never want oc around. What she wants right now is for you to let go of oc and come back to her and your c's.

To think that you can have all of your c's AND your wife would want to embrace the situation right now is selfish thinking. Affair thinking.

I'll pray today for you two.

I'm also pulling for you both.

Until you can understand just what has happened to your wife, you will not be able to move past this.

If you love her, listen to the few words she typed here. Listen with a compassionate heart and mind.

I remember her feelings. My husband came to my rescue after months of discussions and tears. Just as I was about to give up on us her realized what he wanted. I could no longer deal with it all and was about to give him a divorce.

In OUR case n/c was the only way I could fathom staying married. In OUR case this many years later, he agrees. He's so happy we endured and stayed together.

It is totally unbearable for a wife to open her arms to another womans child with her husband so soon after d-day. Again I'll tell you, make her first. Show her she's the single most important thing here.

Ok, I'm finished preaching. Sorry if you think I'm being hard on you TH. Please hear the Mrs.....

TH, I agree with gem CALL THE HARLEY'S!!! Get a plan for your marriage. Your DW has already shown a major willingness to do whatever is necessary to keep your home intact for your boys. Give her the same respect, please.

Greetings all,

Well I thought it would be rude to disapear without saying why. W thinks I could spend the time posting better with her and the kids. Odd, I thought it was helping.

But anyway, so unless there is a change in the W's thoughts, you most likely won't see me for a while.

We did talk a lot last night.I will let her tell you what the results were, I seem to be reading things wrong these days.

I'm starting to think calling the Harleys is a darn good idea too!

Thanks Everybody, (you ALL have helped me a lot)

TH