Soo I spoke to the MC today.

Asked him if he is pro M. He said yes but there are certain times it is not possible.

Asked about his philosophy about A's he believes in full disclosure.

Asked him about alcholism. Asked if it was still active. I said no. He said he probably wouldn't have seen us if it was.

Of course he thought I was the person that had the A and the alcoholism. LOL.

Lets see what happens. Anyway it is a step forward I guess.

Well, actions do speak louder than words...She did make the call...she's trying...Is this different from the past? If I have understood correctly doesn't FWW let you run the show make the decisions, do all the leg work? What's happening with AA right now? Is this part of Step 4 by chance?

Actions do speak louder then words.

Yes this is different then the past. I think through this whole thing I have made bad decesions at almost every turn.

You see I kept believing in the old reality and kept investing in that.

Finally one day I woke up and looked at the situation and realized there was a new reality.

I started acting within that new reality and invested in it.

Finally 3 years later my FWW realized that her words, deeds, and actions did effect her as well.

I think the first wake up call was me telling her I would not move to North Carolina. When she asked me why I told her the absolute truth. Based on where we are and where we seem to be going I will not even consider moving.

Then she wanted to go back to New York for a visit and I told her I was not comfortable with that decesion and I would not support it.

All of the sudden there is a new reality for her. Her words, deeds, and actions have led to my new reality.

For the first time I said I am at peace with a D. She said she was too. I said fine I can look my children in the eye and know I have done everything I can to save this M. She said she could too. I said really!!!! So if I went through everything that happened with our M with the kids you would be able to hold your head up high and look them in the eye and not feel remorse for this family being ripped apart.

Well my indifference and emotional detachment finally might have drove the point home.

So on Saturday morning she sat down and appologized for A LOT of what has happened. She appologized for how her drinking has affected me and the children. ETC Most importantly she appologized for blaming me for her A.

I thanked her very much for that. She talked for about a half an hour about making amends.

It was probably the best conversation we have had in 3 years.

It is going to be interesting to see how the MC goes.

My biggest issue I brought to light was that I wanted H & O conversations. She said we did. I pointed out that we hardly ever do because she isn't really honest with herself.

Great! I'm glad that the two of you are doing these things! Good... HL, I wish you the very best my brother...oh, i was worried about you some time back but it's looking good...

Are you ever going to get some pics in the Photo album, BILL? LOL Just joking, man, just joking! LMAO Sorry, I couldn't resist!

All I can say is WOW!

No I will not post in the MB photo thread.

Quite frankly I think I know some of those people LOL.

WOW is right.

You know if I trace our problems with recovery back it actaull seemed to start with our second MC session.

He asked me "Do you want to stay married?" I said yes.

He asked her "Do you want to stay married?" She said I don't know things have been so bad for so long.

I still to this day don't understand this question. If she answers yes great if she answers no then it causes more problems.

Anyway I am the one now that can walk without regret and I told her as much.

If she can truly walk away without regret then she is not the person I want to be with anyway.

All bets are off until after the MC session though because in the past discussing issues in her mind was a direct attack.

So no worries for me because I am fine either way.

Heck gives me more time to play wiffle ball with the kids if we get a D. LOL.

Anyway
Star date ....Alien seems to be detaching itself from the FWW will wait to see if there are risidual side effects.

Things sound so great..I hope that everything goes great!

Hi HL,

So... ? I hope all is well - Dru

Seconding Dru's inquiry...

It's Thursday. That's after Wednesday.

Hoping for an update.

LA

cant wait.

Well guys a little turmoil postponed the MC session.

FWW lost her job on Tuesday. Babysitter canceled. I had to go to Los Angeles.

We rescheduled for next week. I know it might sound like a bad idea but I didn't want to walk in there and go into some things that would be kicking her when she was down. So it worked out. We are now going to get my family to watch them.

HOWEVER!!!!! When she lost her job she called me. I was supportive etc. Yesterday I got home and put together her resume etc. Spent about an hour when I got home doing this.

Then we went to the concert in the park. I forgot the blanket. Or we forgot the blanket. Wife started down the road of getting upset. Shot her a look and she stopped. Normally a big fight. Because she would actually get mad about the blanket after all of the time I spent helping her. Yesterday she stopped right in her tracks. We got out of the car and she thanked me again for helping her out so much.

I have made it clear that if she doesn't appreciate the things I do I won't do them. I guess she appreciated those things enough not to get upset about the blanket. Thanked me again last night and this morning.

Wow I am not being taken for granted right now.

I guess when I stopped doing things she didn't appreciate it made a difference. Now when I do them she puts them in the correct perspective. HMMMM.

Well Lang thats what emotional detachment, indifference and the 180 have done for me.

Can't wait for the MC session now. Sorry I didn't go last night. LOL.

Love to hear about someone getting it right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

things are looking positive! nice to hear!

Well I can honestly say that I am gaurdedly optomistic about this whole thing.

What I can say is that what I saw from the FWW is a person I can actually imagine spending the rest of my life with.

Not existing or getting through but possibly actually enjoying and working together.

It was tough just to get to this point but maybe it is worth it.

I will keep myself posted on that one.

But for today I can actually say that I feel better about my M and my FWW then I have in a very, very long time.

Feels nice to have the things I do weighted correctly and the things I do wrong not over exagerated.

Howdy stranger!

I've been avoiding the boards the last few days...needed a bit of a break.

Just wanted to let you know I've been following your thread and am glad to see things are starting to look a little better for you.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that the first MC session goes ok.

Hang in there my dear - you really are handling things well.

Take care,
B.

HL- That sounds wonderful! Good for you! I look forward to hearing how things go also!

Congrads on the small improvements. Are you holding on tight to that? LOL

I'm sorry that FWW lost her job...I hope that she finds something better then she had previously!

Banyak,

Good to hear from you. I wanted to thank you for your insights they have truly helped.

As you predicted step four might have been the turning point for the FWW.

I guess I was right to be anxious. LOL

I hope things are going well for you. I noticed you weren't posting.

Rin- Yes things are getting much better. For me the ability to focus on the true issues and not be overwhelmed and angry at the FWW for her dishonesty have really put me at peace.

Knowing sucks but it was necessary to heal.

I feel so great lately but still gaurdedly optimistic.

I really am at a loss to be honest. When my FWW lost her job I reactivated her resume on Monster. That is where the job interview came from. I also had to do her resume because our old computer crashed so it was lost.

This morning she thanked me for doing all of that. She said if it weren't for you I wouldn't even have had this opportunity. She told all of her friends she was getting calls and she didn't know why.

Finally the appreciation that I deserve. She is actually focusing on the positives I do!!! Today I actually feel like she is starting to keep things more in perspective. I like it a lot.

I am hoping that this is a permanant change. I will hold on but I will be aware that this has happened before in short spurts only to change back. I have said all along I want to see a consistent pattern of behavior that indicates a change. If this turns to a consistent pattern of behaviour we will have a wonderfull life together!!!

Oh, HL, you gave me goose bumps...that's so great!

Hi HL,

How very nice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />.

I hope you thanked her in some way for her show of appreciation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Positive reinforcement is definitely needed for those trying to establish new, good habits!

I hope you have a very nice weekend! - Dru

Dru,

Yes I did. I actually need to create some new habits as well. LOL.

I found myself wanting to say something really positive to her but I didn't. I wanted to give her a large affirmation of what I have seen.

I am so used to having to sit down and think everything through so I word it correctly I have been doing that now. LOL.

DUH. Don't really need to sit down and think about the perfect way to say something positive now do I. By the way in the past I did. Because if I say I really like the changes she would get mad at me and say was it really that bad in the past. LOL.

Now I can just say it. If she doesn't take it as a compliment oh well. I think she will.

So anyway new habit. If I want to say it I will. If it is a compliment even better.

I see it here all the time. One partner starts to change but the other resonds as if the old activities are still present.

So good you caught on to that. If she's going to behave positively, you get to, too. Again, how very nice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> - Dru