I wanted to thank you again for all of yoour insight. I value you very much.

How's the weekend going? I could be wrong, but I notice that the week is usually good when you don't post.

Wishing you the best for today!

Hey there,

I'm glad you seem to be feeling a little better.
I can completely understand how hard it must have been to buy her the card. It sounds like you were going against your instincts, maybe because your LB is very low at the moment?

So you have an iron constitution? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I guess thats an advantage and a disadvantage, as you say. IMO everyone needs enough time to rest. It doesn't matter if you're not physically sick, I think. If you need the time off, you need it.

Are there other things you could cut back on to get yourself some extra time? Could one of the other parents help drop your kids home one night, and you the next week? Or something similar?



I don't know, I think if you aim to make a point in MC, it is attachment. Trying to teach her and change her. IMO it won't work. You have tried waiting and hoping that she will change, if you can only find a way to show her or convince her .... did it work before?

I think the only way she will change is if she has a good reason to. Like having no other real choice, or not liking her other choices. That will only happen if you can continue to detach a little more and let her really experience her responsibilities. She is their parent as much as you are.

Hang in there! You're doing so well... Are you starting IC?

Smur,

I have the referals with me today. I did a backslide and I cannot do that.

We have the book as homework and getting an IC as homework. To be honest reading the book is really hard. Puts me in a little funk and she has not been reading it. But I need to not worry about any of that and just read it. So tonight I am committed to 30 pages no matter what. The IC I will call today after seeing who is in my insurance plan.

I know she has to be a good parent as well but the fact of the matter is that I need my kids to be ok. I cannot detach from my responsibility as a father. If I have to pick up the slack I will. They can learn a lesson from my behavior. My OS had a project to do. I let FWW run with it until I saw the work product was not acceptable.(sloppy and missing part of the assignment. He needed 5 of something on it and only had two) So now I will let her run with the rough draft and I will take the final product. My OS was resistent but when we were done he was so proud of his work.

Remember part of her homework was to get together with OS school counselor and discuss taking him out of honors. She has not done it. This effects him. After MC on weds it will be taken care of. If she can't/won't I will. I will not have him effected by her inaction. Just like when I called the vice principal.

Yesterday I took a break. Saturday FWW didn't feel well so I took over her volunteer shift at soccor. Sunday we went to baseball. Sunday I came home and helped OS finish his project. Then I vegged. I played some online poker. When YS came in and wanted to play I told him I needed some down time. I took it without any guilt. LOL.

At this point I will focus on the boys and myself and put her third on the list. She only feels the effect when she wants something and I say no. So in MC I am going to make it clear not to ask me for anything that will require extra energy. I will let her know there will never be a time in this M as it exists that I am going to pick up extra responsibility if it is for her to do something that is just for herself.

I do not have the opportunity right now to be selfish nor should she.

So off to a new chapter for HL. The chapter in which I make strides to make myself and my children better. IF my FWW would like to join me and write a love story great, if not it will be a tragedy for all involved. But I will be OK. I will be great.

BTW YS was giving attitude at his baseball game. I told him that I cannot be a part of that any longer. He committed to baseball and I commited to baseball. He is not living up to his so I am chosing not to live up to mine. I said it was you and mom that wanted this so mom will take you to the games and practices and I am going to stay home. He looked at me and said I want you here can't mom stay home. I said well if you want me to be here you need to honor your commitement and play your best and not have a bad attitude. He listened and was out there cheering on his team and being a leader.

Hi HL,


I found Ic to be so good.... its really a great way to care for yourself. Actually I'm thinking of going back, when I get the time and money.

I'm glad to hear you finally had some time off yesterday.

You must be proud that you look after your boys so well. Its great to feel satisfaction of living up to our standards. I understand that you feel that your sons might be neglected if you stopped doing some of the things you do and left your W to do them. So, you'd rather step in than risk those things not being done.

I have a related question...what would happen if no one supervised the homework of your OS, except your OS? I guess that every parent finds their own balance in supervising/caring for their children vs allowing them to learn from their mistakes and to grow in confidence of their own abilities.

Some child psychologists think it can sometimes be detrimental for parents to help their children with homework, except when the child specifically asks, because it can give the child the message that they are not competent or able on their own.

When you were 10 years old, did you do your homework completely on your own?

Hope you have a great day and good luck with the IC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, I hear some really great things! Ys's change, I like that! I also think that kinda bad that he doesn't want his mom there. LOL

I'm so very happy that you took some time for you! How many times did you pat yourself on the back? LMAO

Hope you get your reading done! It's eerieily quiet around here! I need to do the same with PA man! UGH! yuck!

Well, at least I learned my lesson AGAIN today! LMAO not to get all down about it...

Smur,

Thank you very much.


In there is the goal I am working toward. Right now my OS has had the FWW making excuses etc for him. His homework has been a problem for a long time.

In this help lies a message to the OS his work product is not acceptable. He asked me after this last project what I thought of the end result. I gave him some serious kudos and discussed doing it right the first time and planning.


I don't want to help him but right now it is necessary. I am sure in a few months he will be up and running on his own. You see the lesson now is that I will not accept incomplete homework and projects. He knows the standards that I am setting and in time I think he will understand that I will check everything and if it is not right he will do it again.


I don't help unless asked but I do check!!!!!


I did my homework on my own because I had no choice. He will get there soon enough.

I am trying to instill in him the importance of doing it right.

What is funny is my YS and I work together and I have a saying practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. My OS is starting to get it. Do your homework wrong and it will effect you on tests etc.

Problem with IC though none of the referals are on my insurance plan so I am going to print up all of the ones in the plan in my area and see if the MC knows any of them.

Pretty soon I need to go read.

Hi there,

What a pain about the IC. I hope you find one.

I think I understand what you're saying about the homework. Was it that you felt that OS was slacking off at school for a while? and so he needs extra attention to get back to doing the best he can?

What does your W think about it? I get the impression that you two have fairly different values/ideas about the best way of raising your boys. Has that been an issue between you?

So when you were a child, would you have liked more help but you had no other choice but to do the work on your own?

Smur,

I never really needed help. I am a pretty quick learner. Most of the time I finished my homework in class. Never really took me long. I was lucky.

In college I wrote a paper on a book I never read at 5am because I was out with the guys until 4am. I got a B+. LOL.

My FWW and I do have a difference of opinion with the kids. Now I am lucky her sponsor and I seem to have the same values/ideas. So I say what I think she checks with her sponsor and then we proceed. LOL.

My OS was slacking off with the FWW's blessing. I need for him to get back on track and that's what we are doing.

NOW FOR THE KICKER.

My FWW was supposed to go to school almost two weeks ago to discuss with the school couselor taking OS out of honors. Then come home and discuss it with me.

That was her homework from the MC.

Today I come home and she has switched him out of honors without discussing it with me.

I am fine with it except she totally got around doing the homework and discussing it.

The other kicker.

THE PROJECT WE WORKED ON IS NO LONGER NEEDED. It was for the honors class.

Now the poor kid has had all this time in the class cause FWW waited until now.

I am really upset for him.

Live and Learn I guess.

I will wait for the MC and bring my list that insurance covers. I need it just to get through stuff like this.

Gotaa say a prayer for the OS tonight. Sucks changing classes wish it would have happened 2 weeks ago.

That so sucks! I feel bad for him too.

What were her reasons for not discussing this with you?

Me too.

She had none. She just did it her way. Not the MC's way.

This is the only way she knows. Her way.

She will complain about the way I talk to her but she talks to me much worse. She doesn't see it.

I know I am burned out from all of this. I look at the light at the end of the tunnel and I am getting more and more convinced it is a train. LOL.

This whole thing is just a cycle that continues and she needs to see and take ownership of her part to break the cycle.

I don't know if she is going to change. I am not hoping for anything. I know what I need to see to feel valuable etc. I am just not seeing it.

Patience...my good man...you just started MC...You have come this far...hang on!

LOL.

You know what the detachment although hard to maintain sometimes helps.

My thought going into this was she wasn't going to do it. So she didn't and I expected it so doesn't bother me as much. It would probably have no effect on me right now if it didn't effect the OS like this.

So MC tomorrow will probably be no bueno. LOL.

She is going to sit down and say how well it worked and I will sit down and tell about my disappointment in the whole thing.

See I gues I know where the OS has gotten the "it's good enough" attitude from. They both do their homework the same. LOL.

What does OS have to say about switching classes at this point?

He was very upset.

IMVHO the longer he stayed the harder it became. This is something the FWW was pushing for from the start of the school year. In MC I basically gave her the greenlight to make the change.

All she had to do is talk to the counselor and discuss it with me then it would be done. MC wanted it this way. Probably because he knew I was already for it so it would be an easy task.

So now the poor guy was crying last night. He was very nervous today. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "You should have done this last week" He could have been in his new class all last week. It would be over and done.

So now the little guy has to deal with it now.

The funny thing is I walked in last night and she says. I need to tell you about today. I talked to the counselor he is out of honors she is walking him to class. UMMM not what was supposed to happen.

Can you say passive aggressive. LOL.

BTW I have been reading the book and instead of using my original bookmark I have a second bookmark. I am leaving the orignal where it is and using the second to mark my progress. So her bookmark sits where it is. But she is reading another book. LOL.

Too funny...she reading another book...

I feel for your son... I really do...and you also.

So, you're competitive with yourself and others? LOL

I am competitive. LOL.

Yes she is actually reading another book that her sponsor gave her. Not assigned reading or anything just a book her sponsor gave her.

Now if I was a rational human being. I might come to the conclusion that so far anything I have asked my FWW to do to improve our M she doesn't really put much effor into. Anything I have asked her not to do she does anyway until it turns into a hugh fight. I might look at the fact the MC gave her an assignment to do that she didn't and a book to read which she isn't. Now thinking logically I might come to the conclusion that this M is not all that important to her.

Now keeping in mind she had an A which might bring me to that conclusion a long time ago.

In turn she wants to tell me I should treat her better then anybody else. She wants me to take on extra responsibilities when she wants to go to say NY or to a womens weekend retreat.

HMM a logical person might just say "I can stay in this M but I am certainly not going to go out of my way for her." But that is her expectation at this point. LOL.

So now 3 years from D Day I can honestly say my FWW's effort is no where close to making me believe this M is all that important to her. LOL.

So we will see. I don't envision this next MC session being very pleasent.

I gotta give myself credit though I am here trying.

Oh one more logical thought. Who should be reading that book more? I would say we both should but who should be putting forth the effort right now?

Gotta laugh or I will go crazy.

DId you get two copies or one?

I got one copy. Probably should have gotten two.

The bottom line is that effort is necessary to recover.

I think the person that had the A should be willing to go above and beyond. She is not. I am not trying to be critical or mean or anything like that.

This is solid proof of her commitment to making this better.

If I don't see a change soon then I am done waiting.

I know one thing. There is not one women on this planet besides my FWW who wouldn't love to be with me as an H.

I am good looking. I am a good father. I have been a great H.(especially given the circumstances) I am kind. I am considerate. I do more then my share. I am a great lover. I make pretty darn good money. I am giving.

Who the heck wouldn't that be good enough for? The difference is my FWW thinks all of that is ok but she doesn't need to do anything in return.

Well guess what. She wants all of that, she thinks thats what a husband should be. But she never looks at what a W should be.

You know last night she came home from her meeting. Watched a TV show with me and disappeared. I went in the room the lights were out and she was in bed. No Good night or anything. WTF is that about. That is the second time this week that has happened. I mean I came home so she could go to her meeting. I cooked both kids different dinners, washed the dishes. Got them both showered and ready for bed. She walks in says hi, irons some clothes, watches a show then just goes to bed.

I wonder what she would say if I did that?

"Watched a TV show with me and disappeared. I went in the room the lights were out and she was in bed. No Good night or anything."

LOL, I get that occasional...it doesn't bother me in the least...it use to but not anymore...I use to ask what was the deal...H would just say he was tired...Cool!

No biggie! Now, just b/c H doesn't it doesn't mean I'm going to. It's not in my nature, I have to say good night! With H when he does that you can bet he's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

If you wanted to think positive...you could say that IF H is in a bad mood then he is helping me out by not subjecting me to his mood, but that would be a DJ.

Did it influence your mood?

No it didn't. I just laughed a little to myself.

The thing is Rin she doesn't get it. She wasn't in a bad mood. She was tired maybe.

I just watched some more TV and then went to bed.

The thing is that again it is about effort and expectations.

She expects me to do things she won't or can't. LOL.

If I did that she would make comments about me doing that.

Which brings me to another thing. She used MY lack of affection as a justification. Me not kissing her when I came home. Me not kissing her at night. Now here she is not doing it. Now she goes into bed and no kiss goodnight. When I try to be affectionate not groping but maybe kissing her on the neck or whatever she doesn't stay and reciprocate. HMMMM.

So I tried to meet this need for affection and I am not getting any myself.

I want to sit down and make out. When we have SF I want to kiss her before etc.

I am not perfect but what the heck is real here. LOL. You didn't do it but you want to and I don't but it is your fault.