So I understand that you have mention this to her.

I don't know, HL, it that's the case then I just don't know what to say!

It looks to me to be a double standard. I can see your frustration.

Yep feels like a double standard.

Well like I said we have an MC appt tomorrow part of our problem is our communication.

That was the whole idea behind the assignment. Bettering our communication.

The FWW is used to me being co dependant. All she has to do is change her attitude to upset and everything goes away. But now what it is if she gets upset I am fine with that. I just chose not to be around her. I chose not to be enmeshed in that.

So here we go with all of these double standards. This lack of effort and to be honest I would be ok with that if she lowered her expectations.

She still expects these things even though she is not putting in.

"The FWW is used to me being co dependant. All she has to do is change her attitude to upset and everything goes away. But now what it is if she gets upset I am fine with that. I just chose not to be around her. I chose not to be enmeshed in that."

This is very familiar. This is the one thing I'm trying to change. I would make everything go away, or take care of it! Same difference I guess!

Hard done than said! But I'm tried, by george! LOL

It sure is. Again it is all about breaking the cycle.

I cannot make her do anything. So all I can do is be logical about it.

Just like I was before. Is it logical for me to get upset about these things. I will just be the bad guy.

So now I just shake my head and laugh.(to myslef) I just say see she is trying really hard to get me to a spot where she can be the victim.

So now she can be mad for all I care. YS walked over to me the other day because FWW was meeting me after I volunteered for soccor. He said mom is really edgy today. LOL.

All the guys know to watch out for the hurricane.

Gotta love it.

Well, we'll talk more! I really need to pick up that PA book again. YBH, I'm a little fearful of the emotions that I will be dealing with.

I do need to get it over and done with, b/c I said in the beginning that I wanted to read it a second time when I was finished. perhaps the second go around will be easier! LOL

So last night was our MC appt.

Come to find out I am not the ogre I have been made out to be.

The start went pretty OK. FWW went over a part in the book and explained how she looks at me as a rescuer and how she leans on me for most of the decesions. How I am very smart and how I usually come up with good ways to deal with problems etc. Then she says it is a double edged sword in that when she wants to make a decesion on her own I still want to have a say. LOL.

So then the MC asked me about the book. Big focus on our parents and how we chose a mate based on them.

So it was my turn. Yep she is just like my dad. I went from one relationship being a codependent, enabler with CA issues right into this one. Told him my FWW and dad even have the do as I say not as I do attitude. Told him that was one of his favorite sayings. Oh you see that in your fWW. Oh absolutely. We went to the whole boundry thing where I cross it she gets mad, she does it it is ok, I do it she gets mad.

So while I was talking she interupted etc. He told her that there needs to be a flow of information without interuptions.

Then the fireworks kinda went off. I brought up the fact she didn't do her homework. OH boy. He asked me why I didn't remind her, because she thought I should. I said well I thought we were trying to get out of a parent child dynamic. If she wants equality shouldn't she take ownership of the homework and follow through? He said that is a good point.

Then the FWW went off a little. I am so angry right now she says. She says it's like he wants me to fail..... Nope I don't. I don't need you to remind me to fulfill my responsibilities.

I then said this is a pattern of behavior that is really bothering me. Anything that I have asked her to do to make the M better she doesn't put that much energy into and the things I asked her not to do she did anyway.

OK so here comes the kicker. I brought up her flirting she got mad. I haven't done that for 9 months she said. LOL. He lives in the past. No I was giving an example as to what I was talking about. Well I haven't done it for 9 months. I then said so it was perfectly acceptable for you to do it for almost 2 and a half years after you had an A right in front of me? Then think that since you haven't done it that is good enough. Have you ever thought that hurt me and maybe you should make a special effort to repair that damage?

Well tell him what you want me to do. Ok I want her to buy me cards and get dressed up in lingerie for me every once in a while.

Then she went into victim mode. Well he called me a ****** a while ago and that's why I don't. I said I don't recall that. She said you told me the only thing I am good for is SF. I said no that is not what I said. She remembered that so clearly.(I guess the memory loss didn't erase that)

So when she was done being the victim I explained what really happened. She made the comment of only being good for SF. I said no I have many emotional needs, I need respect, admiration, O & H conversation, apreciation. When I ask for those things you refuse all of them. I then said right now the only need you will fill is for SF. I would love for those other things to happen. You almost laughed at me that night. You make it seem like they are ridiculous and you don't care to fill them. He said do you feel that way HL's FWW. No.

Well then you see I try to explain to her how I feel and she decides to pick the one thing I say and twist it so she is the victim. I pointed out my needs and told her I would love for her to fill them and she hears me say the only thing she is good for is SF.

He asked me if I can see how I might have contibuted to her lack of responsibility. I said nope. I said my FWW always says why don't you do that because you can handle it better then me. On many occasions I tell her she is capable then she assures me I am better.

Then I discussed POJA. I said I don't need to help decide everything. She calls me up and asks me to help her with decesions I want no part of. But then she wants me to have no part in big decesions. NOPE. I want to discuss and come to a joint agreement. One in which we both enthusiastically agree on. If we can't then we do nothing until we can bot enthusiastically agree on. He said well I can see that but sometimes you have to do something. Would you be willing to have a short term solution while you work toward that agreement. I sure am.

So now the homework. Boy do I love this so far really no homework for me.

She is to take on two of my responsibilites. I can help her but she needs to learn them and take them over.

Next there is to be and HL appreciation day. She is to do at least 3 things I like and make me feel like a king for a whole day!!!!

Wohooooo!

Hey, HL appreciation day sounds good! I like your counsellor :-)

Normal,

Thanks for checking in.

I like it too. What a dang good counsellor I have. I think the most uplifting part is I have come to discover "IT ISN'T ALL MY FAULT!!!!"

I am by no means perfect but I am pretty darn good. She even had to break down and admit I do a lot more then she does.

The MC actually said I am probably at the point where I put so much in and just want some in return that I may actually be to the point where I say, and I quote, "why the [email]F@$%[/email] do I keep doing all of this"

When discussing the dynamic he asked me what I got out of it. I said before the A it was a stroke to my ego. It gave me male pride to think I can do it all and be a good H and a good dad. He said and after it. I said I feel like she should hand me a mask and a snorkel because I can't always keep my head above water.

He said why did the A change that. I said all of her justifications stripped away the appreciation I thought she had for what I did. She showed me then told me what I was doing wasn't enough for her even though she was doing less.(her words)

Now since it wasn't appreciated and it got us here I don't want that dynamic anymore. I want an equal partner or a partner that only wants to take out what they put in. If she can only put in 20% and I need to put in 80% I can do that. But I will only let her take out 20% of the profits. She seems to want the old dynamic that led to the A.

God do I feel like a million bucks today.

HL appreciation day here I come.

WOW, what a day, huh?

I think that you should change your thread name to HL's validation sessions...you should call it MC sessions! LMAO

I am SO happy for you! Have you thought about HL day and the things that you would like? LMAO

Rin,

Here is what I do know. HL appreciation day will occur on a day my mom has the kids. LOL.

I have no idea what I want yet. At the end she said I bet one of the things is going to be SF. Well she has one of the three things already two to go. LOL.

Geez like I keep saying it is almost funny. I know the FWW is hating this whole thing. She thought that the MC would be a HL's FWW validation session.

Yea for me I am not a bad guy.

Do you know the joy I would take in having an MC validate my stuff? That would be amazing, like eating a banana split with extra caremel sauce! NO NUTS allowed! LMAO

Well then there is an old saying "Marriage is grand Divorce is 50 grand".

Hearing a 3rd party validate that what you are feeling is normal. Validating much of the work you have done etc may be a wake up call to the other spouse.

For me more then anything else it is that my formerly perfect FWW now sees that there are two people involved, both with faults, both with work to be done to make this M better.

Not just me being crazy, vindictive, mean or irrational. She is now seeing and hearing that she too has a lot of work to do.

Because of MB and the people here I have a head start.

Like they always say the first step in fixing a problem is admitting and seeing there is a problem.

I think my FWW is now overwhelmed because she really, really thought it was just me and if I were to fix myself things would be great.

And you've only been here since April?

Yep,

Coming here put me in a place I wasn't before. Knowing I wasn't alone helped. Seeing people that had it much worse then I did and still made it through.

Having people come down on me with a 2x4 when I needed it.

The PA thread really helped a lot too.

Remember though I had a couple of years to stew and figure stuff out on my own.

Well, I'm sorry that you stewed for so long! I am happy that you found this place, but I found you and am learning so much from you and your FWW.

I didn't want to admit it earlier on my thread because i thought I was/am being judgemental...but I feel I'm in a better place then one lady I met tonight. She just seemed so needy and I really don't know what it's like to be like that. I didn't really look down on her for being that way, I felt more sorry for her for her not knowing that she better than that.

Make any sense? Perhaps I need to understand what being judgemental is...

So, should someone change the current title as it appears above?

I just wanted to let you know I WAS joking about not making comments on the SF...LMAO

I always enjoy our conversations! So, I invite you to express your thoughts, opinions, etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> LMAO

You are my inspiration to follow through when I say I'm going to do something with SF. Because of you I am more aware! THANK YOU!

I thought I did change the name. It appears that way on the front maybe this will do the trick.

Don't look to deep into it. You made a statement about someones actions. Maybe a judgement but you stated she was negative.

People are negative, rude, mean, unhappy etch. People are also positve, caring, nice and happy. To say someone is rude based on their actions is a statement of your perception not necessarily a judgment of them.

I don't know if that makes sense.

I am missing the SF part that you were talking about though.

I am glad to inspire. LOL.

What is funny is I found this site right after D Day. I read it and asked my FWW to as well. She didn't I came back and finally noticed the forum. I would have been here sooner if I noticed it. LOL.

"I am missing the SF part that you were talking about though."

Are you have an off day? LMAO Or is it because I wrote it on my thread?

I can't believe you missed it!LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Um yes I am having an off day. I just posted on your thread what I meant to say here because I read it was on yours so I went there and posted my thoughts from here over there. LOL.

I am getting really confused.

But good for you on the promise and the follow through.