This is my 1st post to MB Forum, but I have been studying the Site and these forums for 4 months. Many generous folk here.

My interuption of my WH's EA was April. It took me about 2 weeks to confront him since I was in bad shape. It was not a PA--but that's where it was heading, no doubt. The layers of lies just got to be too much.

I have been in Plan A since then. It has been very difficult, as most of you know. Contact with OW continued. Here's what's up:

The OW is a coworker of WH'S. They were doing the EA big time, but now, oddly enough they seem to be Arch Enemies. I'm not sure what caused this sudden change--I'd like to think it was me & my Plan A, but I am wondering if this is part of a withdrawl. The fact of the eniminity is causing my husband much anxiety & sleeplessness, major job stress and he is crabby as ******. Impatient with me and our 2 teen aged children and just about everyone else--including OW. So mean and impossible that the OW walked off the job--I was doing the 'Happy BS Dance' for about a day till the employer talked her into coming back on the job. This was a low blow. WH is OW's supervisor, sort of. What is going on here--WH said "I love You"--to me for the 1st time in over a year, and then he is mean & crabby and almost abusive(not physical)in the same day. This makes my continuing Plan A very hard to see thru. (Praying for stregnth...)

What's going on here, anybody? He acts like EVERYONE is his enemy.

I'm sorry to say this is not withdrawal. If he is still in contact it's not withdrawal. He is clearly very conflicted here but he won't begin to feel better until he has NC and does actually withdraw. He needs to find a new job. You cannot recover from this while contact continues.

I know no contact is the MB mantra. I understand why. I also know that the reality is it won't happen because of anything I do or say.

He will not leave this job untill he is good and ready. It is a part time job at a non-profit with a high leval of responsibility and a high community profile. His other job is blue collar and not very satisfying. This job and the folks surrounding it is all that's left of our couples social life.

Continuing contact is agonizing for me, but I consider it a good thing that they are no longer 'dating' behind my back.

I think it may be okay he is conflicted, but I'm not sure. I think he could also use some IC or some theraputic drugs to deal with his stress. He accepts no input from me, and I am plan A'ing it so I am not causing any LB withdrawls if I can help it.

This EA event is the worst thing that ever happened to me. Plan A is all I can do. Do I sound self-absorbed with all the "I's" in this post?

Thank you for your response. Sometimes I think I might explode. (Those I's again...)

Do you really understand why that no contact is the MB mantra? I don't think so, because if you did there is NO WAY that you would be okay with your husband still working with the OW...That will NOT work...It is a time bomb waiting to explode, make no mistake about it...Can an alcoholic just have a business drink? NO! Nor can your husband just have business contact with OW...He is an addict and the affair will resume on some level you can be sure...

This is a part time job...He can get another one...He can't get another you...If he doesn't get rid of this job, you won't have a couple's social life to worry about, because you will no longer be a couple...

I'm sorry to be blunt with you, but I'm telling you all this as a FWS...Trust me when I tell you that this situation that your in is NOT workable...He will not withdraw and recovery will not begin until contact ends...

Mrs. W

You do realize that Plan A is the precursor to Plan B.

If you have absolutely no intention of ever leaving the marriage despite the affairs..and will not make demands via protective boundaries..then MB will not work for you.

Plan A comes before Plan B and failing that divorce.

If those are not positions you are willing to assume..then the best advice I could give you would be to find a support system to help you deal with the fact that your H is not faithfull and plans never to be.

Then..unless of course he falls well and truly "in love" with one of them and leaves you..you can continue as you choose.

Slady,

Could she have told him to buzz off and he flipped? Or told him she was PG and he flipped?

Is the OW married? Might her H found out about it and put the kybosh on it and he flipped?

Noodle knows...it's NC...or you live with it.

krk

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. A little marital history might help you help me. Can't take the time right now to do this, but you should know this:

There is NO WAY I'm okay with what WH was up to. There is no way that I would allow this EA to be a continued part of our marriage. THAT is why I'm doing the plan A. So that If I must do the Plan B, or beyond at least I've given the Plan A my best.

Now the WH & the OW are not 'friends' anymore which was what he has always maintained they were. (Uhh...no, you don't lie to your wife & kids about where you are going and with whom just so you can be with this trollop). The OW left the job, (celebration night--we were so happy--WH, too)and now she's back, but I'd lay odds it won't last because I'm not the only person who is fed up with her. She does a piss poor job on the job and the WH got sick of her abusing their so called friendship so that she can be a slacker. She really is a nasty sort. And the WH is dissing her to me & others--and they have deffinately ceased all non-work contact. He wants her to go away. He wants to keep the job for many reasons--#1 being that we need the money. We are a modest family, indeed.

But he acts like he really hates her, and he is so crabby and impossible to kids & I since the falling out with the OW. This is what makes me wonder if it is part of the feeling of loss that the WS's go thru.

No, the OW is not married. She was married for a few years: after a construction accident her husband is now a parapalegic. She divorced him shortly after. She does have a very unsavory scumbag boyfriend who is in prison for numerous offenses. She has a checkerd past that I could elaborate on (I love rippin on the OW), but I think you get the idea.

I will see this whole thing thru to a conclusion--either she goes or he goes. I stay.

Plan A is a good thing--3 months ago I could barely get a grip on my thoughts and feelings. Now at least I am trying something. Mrs W & Noodles: am I still so far off? My H & I have never had affairs. Other problems, yes, but not that one...till now.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

has he ever done this before?

and withdrawl is NC not less contact...

your H is like the smoker who says: "I only smoke one a day and I don't inhale"

yeah, right

crabby

tell him

"You are too crabby to be around. I'm going out with the kids. I'll be back with the kids when you can be at least neutral"

don't baby him

be honest

plan A is also tough, not just soft

exposure to OW's spouse if she's married

don't stand between him & his well-earned consequences

Pep