EM: Uhmmmm, maybe it is because I have never failed at
anything before.
IM: You didn't fail, your goal was to be happily married
and you were. You worked hard at being happily married,
You were a success. He did not work at it, so he wasn't
happy. But that is not your failure. You did what you
set out to do.
Very insightful.
This is a conversation I, like you and many others, have had with myself. It seems I spend a lot of time talking to myself lately as I drive to and from work.
The admission of failure has been a huge fear for me. During our first recovery it drove WW to frustration that I continued to see a large part of the problem as a failure on my part to realize and meet her needs. I worked very hard at meeting what I thought her emotional needs were but didn't spend enough time discovering what her emotional needs really were. I really do accept my culpability in creating an environment where her temptation to have the affair flourished.
After her second affair was discovered, I slipped back into a depressed state of "I have failed again". Eventually, I came to realize that I had given it my best shot. I had worked my @ss off trying to meet the needs she stated I wasn't meeting the first time. And yet, she had a second affair. My attitude turned around from "all my failure" to "mostly her failure". She had failed to see me as a man totally committed to her and completely in love with her. She chased after a manipulative, lying, POS and got burned.
Now that we're working through the discovery of a long standing emotional affair, she is dealing with a whole new person in me. I am actually able to stand my ground during our arguments/discussions and not give in to most of the emotions of losing our marriage and capitulating to her demands. I'm at peace with the thought that this might finally end in divorce. It's frustrating her now (in her fog) more than ever before.
Thanks for posting this insight -- it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with some sense of failure.
