My wife of 8 years has been in secrec communication with OM. I found out quite by accident last week. It's been ****** this week, we fight a lot. She feels that I am not conncected to her anymore and I don't know what to do. i am so hurt I have even thought of hurting myself. We are seeing a MC in a week or so, but I want her to STOP talking to the OM. i am not entirely sure how long this had gone on or how far. I am unable to sleep, eat, or focus at work. I think she feels I'm some doormat because I do everything, chores, kids activities, work full time, shopping, work on the house, clean the house. i do it. She works fo rherself and I even try to help her with that. We have not been talking much, but that's as much her fault as mine. I don't know what to do. i think if I just lay things out I might be able to sleep. Please offer any help from those who have been there. I want this to work, I want it back to good.

Does your wife have boundaries? If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be as accepting as you have been? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Why was she willing to risk her marriage of 8 years? What has been the consequences to her affair?

My guess is that not only your wife sees you as a doormat but you perceive yourself as one as well. Why is there not an equal distribution of chores. My friend it is very difficult to have a spouse respect a doormat if this is the case. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

JFO,
So sorry that you are going through this. Take the time to read all of the information and articles on the MB website. In a marriage it is easy to take the other person for granted. It is obvious that your emotional needs (EN) and your wife's are not being met. When you both take the EN questionnaire (found on MB website), you begin to understand each other better.

The issue with your wife is certainly not an easy one. I remember all of the sleepless nights when my WH was doing same. The most important thing for your marriage is no contact (NC) with OM. It is extremely selfish of your wife to think that you would just sit back and continue to accept this when your marriage is on the line.

Take care of yourself through this stressful time. Seek out a marriage counselor. It is important that both you and your wife learn to communicate effectively. I wish you luck. I am sure you will have many people respond to your post. There are lots of us (BS) out there....unfortunately. Keep posting. Take comfort in the fact that you now have a support group.

SS

Mr. ABP,

Welcome to MB. Have you read entirely through Longhorn's thread "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" which is pinned to the top of this Just Found Out board. If not, please do. Be sure to link off of Longhorns signature to the spying 101 thread. Gathering intelligence is a very important tool in this battle you find yourself in. I know myself how shocking it is that you bust them and yet they refuse to STOP. Think of it as busting a crack head, unless they have a gun pointed at their head...nothing is going to stop them from continuing their addiction. Since you are the only non-addicted partner left in your marriage you need a plan to bust up this affair and recovery it. We can help you but you've got to trust the plan. It's counterintuitive at times...but it's the best known, professionally developed and proven plan available.

When you come back I suggest restarting your thread over on the Infidelity Gen'l Questions II board. That board is the most active though the whole site is a little slow on the weekends.

Hope to see you over there soon.

You WILL make it.

Mr. Wondering