Ugh! this morning H asked me if I had purchased car insurance (seperate of him). Instead of saying no I said no, I can't do it because we do not have a seperation agreement and we are not divorced.
Someone hit me with a 2X4. Stoooopid stoooopid of me. Today and this weekend I am going to concentrate on listening, pausing and then answering.
Today when he left for work he didn't say one word to me. I am feeling so down right now but his brother is in my corner. He is telling me to hang in, that my H has never had someone in his life that would tell him no in a loving way.

I am trying hard to be non confrontational but H is acting as if I don't exist <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> is this normal? I am to the point that I think he may be having an A the way he is behaving.

I am pleasant when he gets home ask him how he day was and if I don't keep talkign he has absolutely nothing to say to me.
Please give me strength

Spoke with Steve Harley today. After telling him what all is going on he suggested a way for me to get my H to at least look at the basic principles. He pretty much told me to tell H that I know he has made his decision and that he is confident with it, but that I am not confident with the decision I have made, to have hope, and I need his (H's) help.
I told H about this website strong emphasis on the basic principles. I told H that it would help me tremendously in the moving forward process if he were to help me understand why we are so incompatable (H's words). I told him that if he agreed to help me out in the moving forward process that
I would not take it as a sign of hope nor would I take it as a commitment from him where the marriage is concerned.
Please wish me at least a little luck here. H has agreed to checkout the websight. I have more Steve Harley ammo. Not a good choice of words, ammo, but we are all here for the same thing. Maybe after I get some sleep I can think of a better word.
Thanks to all and blessings to all of us

This past Sunday I had plans to meet with a collegue for lunch. Since H and I are not talking I did not see the need to inform him of it. I just did my thing, showered, dressed up and on my way out the door I told him "see you later". He noticed how I was dressed and from the look on his face didn't care for it.
H was not home when I returned. For some reason he cannot leave the house until I do, I cannot figure this out. Part of me wants to scream at him if you want to go live a life without me then get going, what are you waiting for!! Haven't and won't say it. He is passive aggressive and I am not going to play what appears to me to be a game.
Yesterday I needed some cheering up so on the way home I stopped and bought some flowers for myself. Even after talking to H last night about the concepts here on MB the flowers and I both got major dirty looks this morning.
I think I need to turn into more of a mystery lady. God forbid if he thinks I am having an affair though.
Any advice?

H told me this morning that he read the basic concepts last night. Said that his love bank is empty. I screwed up, didn't tell him I am sorry he feels that way. He told me that he did not see anything he could/can do to help me move forward (Steve's suggestion). I was at a loss as to what to say to him. I thanked him for reading the info.
I told him that they have questionnaires on the websight also. I also told him that Steve wanted to talk to him the other night but that I didn't feel as if my H would be willing to, H said I was correct.
I asked him if I talked to Steve again would he be willing to talk to him and he said "not at this point"
H is usaully very cut and dried, it is or it isn't. Maybe I am giving myself false hope here.

I need help with getting him to fill out the EN questionnaire. I am working hard and stopping LBs but I am at a loss as to how to ask him to fill it out without pushing him. I was thinking that if I told him that it would help me to know what his EN are/were then it would help me to have a better relationship, but if I say it that way doesn't it imply that I am looking forward to having someone else in my life???
Please desperate here. I have ordered most of the books but they have not arrived yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

When I started going through the EN questionaire I was feeling very stumped as to what my H's EN may even be. Thought to myself that maybe I am in a fog. But he hides himself from me I just read an article titled the Boomerang Relationship and it is us to a T. Anyway, I have started a topic on the EN asking for help.

Well I am beginning more and more to think H is having an A. Last night he was supposed to be golfing after work. I went by the golf course and he was not there. H came home said he golfed badly, then he went and took a shower. Later on I said something smells (darn right it does) H said "it may be me" I said what?! Wasn't there any water for you to shower.
Thing is he acted all nice to me last night for the first time in weeks. Didn't have enough to talk to me about. This is typical behaviour for him. He does something that he knows I will be unhappy about so he pours on the charm to make up for it. I have to kind of wonder if he just doesn't see his own behaviour?
Handled myself well, but I am looking for facts at this point, cold hard stuff I can set in front of him. I know he will lie or at least attempt to but facts are facts.
I am going to look into a GPS. I just need the truth.
I know, dream on huh?

Please give me your thoughts!
For the past four days now H won't do anything unless I make a move first, if I go to bed, then he goes to bed shortly thereafter (he sleeps in extra bedroom), if I leave the house (tell him what I am going to be doing but not much detail) then he will leave the house.
I do not want to make any assumptions. Maybe I am filled with too much hope <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> but it seems as if he wants some kind of interaction. When I tell him I am going to go do something and ask if he would like to go I get "no" every time.
Please someone has to have some advice. I am reading like crazy on here and waiting for Love Busters plus a couple of other books to arrive. I am readding HNHN right now.

Hello Growthspurt,

I hope you will get some proof soon so this period of uncertainty and feeling "crazy" will be over.
Seriously - I myself would even consider hiring a PI or something similar to get out of such uncertainty.

Meanwhile I guess it couldn't hurt to go to Plan A.
Or stick to it.
If your H's A is confirmed - you're at the best possible place for recovery.
If you find nothing - you have all info you need to build on your M in a positive, affair-proof manner.

I didn't read all your last posts, but did you check
- e-mail accounts
- telephone/mobile phone listings
- credit cards statements
- the "little papers" left in his trousers etc. ?

The last thing is actually how I found out my X was going to prostitutes.

post deleted

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> feeling very very low right now.
H just asked me when I was going to give him back his wedding band. He is leaving next Sat for his YD wedding may or may not have anything to do with that.
I don't have it, asked him why he thought I did. He said it was in the drawer of the nightstand and now it isn't so what else is he to think.

He then said it doesn't matter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> he could care less. If he could care less then why ask me if I have it when I want him wearing it?

He removed his wedding band back in May. I asked him a couple of times when or if he was going to ever wear it again. The last time I brought it up he got furious, told me to not ask about it again that one day he would wear it again.
I don't have it, why in the heck would I take it when I want him wearing it and committed to our marriage!?!?!?!
I feel damned today.
He is on some insane rollercoaster, last night he was charming and laughing with me today I am the devil incarnate!
I am not riding his roller coaster. I'm tired

Hi GS,
why did you delete your previous post?
BH

Funny thing about the wedding band. H left the house came back an hour later, said he was going to the home improvement store and asked me if I wanted to go. I didn't know how to answer at first.
I went, he knows I love stores like that.

I figured as much, GS.
I'm glad your H did something nice.
Just keep your guard up for now.

I got you on being on guard BrownHair. 3 hours later he is back to being cold etc.
He is filling out the En questionnaire!!! I will get more insight that way. I told him that I know I have screwed up meeting his EN and it would help me a lot to see it cut and dried and on paper.

He is filling it out now. I think I will tell him that I also filled one out and ask him if he would like to see it.
If he says not then I will thank him for filling his out, smile and walk away

I finished HNHN and started reading Love Busters. To be honest I don’t know how my H has put up with me! I am not beating up on myself just being honest.
I have been dishonest with him. Instead of telling him what I need I have over and over again given him what I need, affection for an example. That is my #1 EN. Instead of telling him that I needed more I gave him more (Giver) then when I didn’t get that back my Taker took over which led to conflict and then withdrawal. Sometimes it has been ugly. I am not proud of myself, it’s almost as if I have attempted to set myself up for martyrdom does that make sense to anyone? It’s like I have set myself up to be able to say “see I gave and gave and never got back, see what a horrible H is” it has all been on an unconscious level. No more.

I have been looking too closely at H right now. Should have been looking more at me. How stupid. I can see how passive aggressive this is on my part. What an eye opener.

So I have vowed to myself to stop looking at H for the next couple of weeks, finish reading LB and get my crap together. I know this is what I need to do if I have any hope in getting H on board where our marriage is concerned.
I am so excited, when H got up this morning I told him that I realize that he has woken up and that I needed to talk to him sometime this morning. He was ready to listen so he sat and I told him what I had learned how dishonest I had been and how I had smothered him trying to get MY need for affection met. Lastly, I apologized to him for being dishonest. H continued to sit and we chatted about a few other things also. I found myself attempting to talk about me, and quickly stopped that. I found that I really HAD to listen to him in order to stop trying to steer the conversation to being all about me.

I wish I had had this book years ago.

Hello dear GS,
Not that there is anything wrong with making your M work better: but you seem to be going on a "it's all my fault" trip.
Meeting EN's is a mutual thing.
It's not like you're "the bad guy" here.
And if you do find out that H is having or was having an A after all..
This might backfire big time.

Brownhair,
I know it is not "all my fault" and I do not feel like the bad guy, honest. It was just a huge eye opener for me personally.
H has contributed to this mess also. Getting him to admit it is another thing all together. I can and will admit what I have done/said etc.

Today we actually spent some time together, went for a 6 hour drive to see a town I was interested in. When I first asked him if he would like to go he said no I told him that I would enjoy it if he did go. I then told him that I was going to take the dogs for a walk before I left. By the time I got back from walking the dogs, he asked me if i was still going. I said yes, then he said that he would like to go. we went. No R talk, laughed some but he is very withdrawn and swings from warm to cold within seconds.
Thanks for checking up on me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am not sure I am keeping my guard up.

I know SF is one of his top ENs so I got to wondering what he is doing to get that need met, we haven't had SF since late July by his choice. Found porn movies in the nightstand in the spare bedroom, never seen those before.
H goes to bed right after I do and I have no idea how long he is awake after I go to bed. Anyway, I left the movies where I found them. Anyone know how to damage a DVD without making it look like it has been touched?
I can't ask him if he wants SF. I asked him the other day in a friendly way if he would like a hug and you would have thought that I had cow poop all over and hugged him without asking him if he would like one!
Part of me thinks that if I could get him to engage in SF it might help. I wouldn't mind it either at this point <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
but he will not touch me in a deliberate way, accidental brushing is ok but then he looks pained that it occured. I have in the past had a very hard time accepting rejection, he rejects me so much now that it is becoming a way of life and affects me very little
I keep asking him if he wants to go or do things and keep getting "no". Maybe I need to do the 180. May not matter right now, he leaves for his daughter's wedding on Saturday.
His computer is now password protected too, I have no way to see what he is up to online.
Any one with any ideas?

Hello GS,

my XWH did something similar.
Adult dating site, signed up as "widower" and "would like to have children".
Now that REALLY stung.
I had had 2 miscarriages and we both felt I was too old now to try again (40+ at that time).
He always seemed to be "shopping" for someone else..
In hindsight, I think he actually did.

If SF is a top EN for your H..
And nothing has happened in a month..
That sounds weird.
Has he told you why?
If you (in a non-agressive manner) ask him
.. why no sex
.. why no hugs
what does he say?