|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684 |
AGG, does she know what you think (of M with her)?
I somehow cannot understand that you didn't tell her what would you need from a woman in order to marry her...
I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
DW -- when this topic came up for us last March, that is EXACTLY what I was hoping (that he would change his mind.) I dropped the subject and just went back to enjoying our time together.
I guess it was sorta Plan A with a deadline. My deadline was the one year mark. Which is now.
So I've brought up the subject again -- and nothing has changed.
So now its my choice to make.
And thankfully all of you here have brought up a lot for me to think about. I can't thank you all enough!
I understand his side of things. So I have accepted that I have the choice of continuing as is....or ending it.
So, now I'm trying to understand MY side of this equation. Why do I want marriage?
Why do I feel like I have failed if he doesn't want to marry me?
Right now, I feel like I want marriage, but only to HIM. If not him, then no one. So what then?
I don't feel like I've processed everything yet -- so no actions or decisions made yet. But its not because I'm hopeful of him changing his mind....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 684 |
Lexxxy, maybe he does need some more time... first to think of himself being married, get comfortable with that feeling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, then to want so...?
I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345 |
Could you truly be ok w/ that? It thought you said you were more wired for marriage.... I dunno. I am more wired for marriage, which is why I don't know that I'd be OK with just companionship. Moreover, I don't think that G would be OK with it, so really, my main question to myself is more "can I see myself being married to G?" than "can I see myself being a companion with G?". AGG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345 |
AGG, does she know what you think (of M with her)? Nope. We haven't had relationship talks for a while. I somehow cannot understand that you didn't tell her what would you need from a woman in order to marry her... What do you mean? I told her lots of things that I need from a woman in order to marry her, and she meets all those stated criteria. But, words are cheap, and this is why talking is not enough, and we resort to dating <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> - to see what the other person is really all about. As I got to know G, I saw many many many things which were very different from what I was used to, as you know. Not a single one of them would be an automatic dealbreaker, which is why I kept seeing her trying to put together the forest from the trees. So now, I am close to seeing the forest, and although not any one tree is cause for a breakup, I don't think I like the forest. But it was not something that could have been addressed right upfront, it took time to get to know her. AGG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345 |
Lexxxy, maybe he does need some more time... first to think of himself being married, get comfortable with that feeling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, then to want so...? Not to speak for Lexxxy, but it sure does not sound like it's a matter of time. Sure, maybe in 10-20 years he'll change his views, but he sounds clear in what he wants or doesn't want. I think that waiting for a person to change in some fundamental ways is fraught with danger. AGG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 61
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 61 |
AGG, just curious...you said "can I see myself being married to G?" than "can I see myself being a companion with G?".
How do you see yourself without her?
43 y/o
Divorced 2 years
Cheating Spouse
Mom of 2 (14 and 18)
In a relationship
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 19
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 19 |
:exxy,
You don't know me; been a lurker over 3 years and been following your thread with zest. I think you are me!!!
Ended a 2 year relationship with B in June and I think back to my thoughts and feelings and everything you write is nearly me. I miss him something awful and it ended badly. Apparantly a lot of issues I didn't want to face, but all came out in the wash. I know there is someone out there for me, but I am in pain now and hoping it gets better. Best wishes to you!!!
Me: BS 47 XWH 47
DD22, DS18, DD17
Divorced 3/03 after XH exit affair. Married 20 years.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
hi jasmine,
wow -- yeah we have a lot in common!
just wondering -- do you have any regrets about ending the relationship?
I'm having a quiet weekend at home. Kids are all off doing things, L is on a fishing trip with the guys. (which means he has to sneak in a phone call or two without them knowing it -- so he doesn't get teased by the rest of the alpha's...)
lots of time to think...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649 |
AGG, does she know what you think (of M with her)? Nope. We haven't had relationship talks for a while. I somehow cannot understand that you didn't tell her what would you need from a woman in order to marry her... What do you mean? I told her lots of things that I need from a woman in order to marry her, and she meets all those stated criteria. But, words are cheap, and this is why talking is not enough, and we resort to dating <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> - to see what the other person is really all about. As I got to know G, I saw many many many things which were very different from what I was used to, as you know. Not a single one of them would be an automatic dealbreaker, which is why I kept seeing her trying to put together the forest from the trees. So now, I am close to seeing the forest, and although not any one tree is cause for a breakup, I don't think I like the forest. But it was not something that could have been addressed right upfront, it took time to get to know her. AGG Not wanting to hijack Lexxy's thread, but she may find this useful. AGG, can you tell us why you "don't like the forest"?? That's a very compelling statement. Anxious to hear your reply. Thanks! High Flight
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345 |
AGG, can you tell us why you "don't like the forest"?? That's a very compelling statement. HF, I'll be happy to try to explain my comment, it might be somewhat cathartic for me anyway - but you'll need to hang in there till Tue, as G is about to arrive here for the weekend, and I probably shouldn't be writing this with her looking over my shoulder <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />. AGG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,707 |
I suggest we look at our own fear of commitment, rather than just focusing on our partners' commitment issues. I'm in a new relationship and felt BF was pushing me away. I remembered I was the one who backed off initially, for good reasons, so he was honoring my request. Commitment phobia
Commitment phobia is the fear and avoidance of having to commit to anything, but especially relationships.
Symptoms of commitment phobia
.
Commitment phobia can express itself in all kinds of different ways, but typically sufferers may exhibit any of these:
Being overly critical of the other partner in the relationship, and/or the relationship as a whole.
Annoying / hurting the other person, thus sabotaging the relationship, even if it’s considered to be working well. An example of this, might be consistently turning up late for things – whether with apologetic excuses, or not.
Being scared of getting noticed, because the other person might want to start a relationship. In fact, they'll often reject other people from the word go, so that a relationship barely gets off the starting blocks. The feeling behind this, can be to protect themselves from even the prospect of allowing others’ to get too close.
At the other end of the scale, a commitment phobic, may be flirtatious and appear to want the attentions of other interested parties, desiring even a longer-term physical relationship. But, eventually the fear can, and often does, win out and the other person gets pushed away, leaving broken hearts in its wake.
Fearing being swamped by others, and thus losing sight of who they feel they really are.
Unable to face or explore the prospects, issues, or thoughts, of living together, or getting married.Some commitment phobics may want to find Mr or Miss Right and get married, but will often have somewhat unrealistic ‘ideals’ over possible suitors.
Often friends and relatives notice and will often make comments like: 'you're being too picky', and ‘Mr/Miss Perfect’ just doesn’t exist'.
Sometimes they'll fall in love with other people who just aren’t interested in forming an intimate relationship. The reasoning behind this can be that the commitment phobic has, (deliberately, or otherwise), chosen a person who can’t/won’t, form a lasting relationship, and so they are ‘safe’ from having to make that long-term commitment.
There is also the type of sufferer who enters a relationship, can’t commit, then leaves at some point, only to return sometime later, before leaving yet again. This yo-yoing can happen time and time again leaving hurt, bewilderment and distrust in its wake.
There can be the avoidance of having to commit to anything. This can also involve jobs, tasks, timekeeping, as well as personal relationships / friendships. Interestingly, it can even involve undertaking treatment for the commitment phobia itself.
FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06
What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
sigh....
I had a 90% wonderful day with my parents and aunt and uncle yesterday.
They all love L, and think he is just the greatest (me too).
So of course, my Aunt wants to know when we're getting married. And I kinda dance my way around it -- not ready blah blah blah -- just feel like I'm just a big liar. And yet don't really want to just blurt out the truth cuz it'll just make us all uncomfortable.
But it just left me feeling yucky.
And I'm getting this from other friends and family frequently. Anybody got a snappy comeback for me???
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649 |
L~
Snappy comebacks can often hide the truth. You don't need snappy comebacks, you need truth telling!
You might be surprised where truth telling & stopping the game playing might get you!
Best,
High Flight
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
High --
where am I playing games???
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 649 |
Dear Lexxy. I don't think YOU are playing games with him. I think you are playing more with yourself. We all do it. Hope, dream, hope, dream, delay, procrastinate, avoid the pain, ignore hope it will go away, etc., etc., ... you get the idea.
You've said enough that I think you realize the game is really up. You just need to find the courage to move on & make a decision with your head vs your heart.
Now with your family members, I think that just doing a "snappy comeback" would be some gamesmanship. They cannot do anything good for you by way of wisdom, encouragement, sharing, etc., if they don't know the real deal.
What gain would you achieve if you were to share with trusted family the truth about this situation - much as you've done here? They know you & love you far more & better than any of us could. Their wisdom & support is worth alot. Don't you think?
I know it's hard Lexxy. Believe me, I know.....
High Flight
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
I took some time before responding cuz I wanted to think about what you've said.
I don't think I am playing games with myself. I am very realistic. There is no "hoping/dreaming" going on. If anything I am probably too coldly logical about the whole thing.
I'm not reacting quickly, because I really wanted to spend sometime pondering DW's advice and comments. It really resonated with me. Before I break up a really good relationship, I want to know why I'm doing it. What is it about marriage that makes it the end target??? I am very satisfied with our relationship right now, why and how do I think it needs to change?
About the "truth-telling"...hmmm....
I would confide in my parents (easily) but not so much the others who were present. My aunt is a WS who married her OM, after breaking up a 30+ year marriage. Not exactly someone I would seek relationship advice from.
I also seem to get these kind of comments from casual friends and acquiantences -- I think simply because L and I have been together for a while. Its almost like a chit-chat thing -- something to talk about. But I guess I have been unusually sensitive to this topic.
I think me blurting out "L never wants to marry me" might be a bit of a buzz-kill, ya know? People aren't asking to pry, or to get into a big drama-filled conversation.
Anyway....still thinking....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 415
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 415 |
Before I break up a really good relationship, I want to know why I'm doing it. What is it about marriage that makes it the end target??? I am very satisfied with our relationship right now, why and how do I think it needs to change? I think you are very very wise to do this Lexxxy....figure out what's going on w/ you FIRST, make sure that you are seeking/want marriage for the right reasons and not simply looking to heal old wounds w/ it..... We sound like we are in very similar places <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> HUGS!
DW--BW....separated/divorced since 2003
Re-married 7/09!
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (1 invisible),
731
guests, and
57
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
