I suggest getting one book, highlight the entire thing if you feel the need, then pass it on. No shame...

I see what you mean...like I didn't expect H to have the wood...I see where you are coming from...

When is your next MC session? I would like to go to MC, but H would go for it...maybe after the new year, I'll bring it up...

He was not in a pleasant mood when he left for work...said he was tired of working already...

I am so tired of him being negative...it really takes it's toll on me when I hear so much of it, the negativity...

He was really mad last night, he got his check for last week and it was zero! H says they shorted him like two hours AND didn't pay him Holiday pay. He was fuming...mad at that boss...

If he continues on this path...he will be changing jobs...he really getting tired of them...

Well, I can't do anything about him and his job...just go with the flow...I told him it's whatever he decides...he's been with them for five years...one of those being a subcontractor. It's the longest time he's ever spend at a job.

Don't need no A RV! This is the 21st century....age of techno.... Let's webex!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> U know all those webcams the WS' and OPs use for their A's? Well kill those triggers and make them MB tools. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

oops! posted on the wrong thread.

Sorry!

L.

O, I'll forgive you JUST this one time...hehehe

Well, guys I'm reading PA man, and all I can think is OMG...

I'm really nervous about being able to cjange my behavior...of course, I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet...

Seems to me that I fit the rescuer, mananger, AND the victim...moreso the rescuer and the manager...

I'm also concerned about learning not to enable the behavior...it made sense when HL talked about it but it's figuring it out when it happens and changing my response...

I want very much to move forward in my life and my M...it just seems like a huge step and I'll be honest there's a lot of fear of failure there...

I have a timeline in my head...thinking that if things aren't better my this time next year then I'll have to cut my loses...Am I being unrealistic?

H told me last night that "if I wasn't doing anything I could get the leather cleaner and wipe down the saddle bags for my bike." Well, I said I am doing something, I'm sitting here reading...he said he was just going to leave that one alone...I replied that I thought it was best for both our interests.

Oh, I can tell you if he would have said something about what I was doing and called in nothing, I was going to say something about him sitting around DOING nothing before going to bed in the morning.

That frustrates me so much that he comes home and sit down with the computer or the TV and doesn't lift a hand to help out. Even when he was on days...now of course, this is when we were dating but we use to cook together and he helped me out alot...not anymore...

I know that I have to change my beliefs...I do...all to often I've felt like a servant to him...but he has helped out some recently...just enough...

I can't continue with that line of thinking so I'll stop there with it...

From what I understand I need to do for me and untangle the enmeshment...understand that I am not the cause or cure for FWH...

There again, I wonder how to I recogize the enmeshment...I understand what it is...

I don't feel overwhelmed about the task at hand...LOL...at least not right now...I did ask H it he chose to read any of my books to please read this one...he changed the subject to what was on TV...I mentioned a few things about the book but his response was change the subject and made comments about other things...

Oh, well...

Hiya, Rin!

I'm doing well...busy with work...following your thread and appreciate your care for me. Just got off the phone with my folks (they weren't home last night) and I'm feeling okay. Which is great.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Getting clarity before action...

Seeing enmeshment: "He was not in a pleasant mood when he left for work...said he was tired of working already...

I am so tired of him being negative...it really takes it's toll on me when I hear so much of it, the negativity..."

Going back to the Villagers thread here...can you see where you end and he begins in these two paragraphs? Hard for me to! His felt tired; his perspective related it to him feeling as if was working already.

You felt tired; your perspective related it to his negativity, not being in a pleasant mood...and his stuff wears you down.

I see you believing you caused his perspective and he caused your feelings...not to sound brutal...just getting to the truth. You're the only here, Rin. Your perspective matters! You're half the union!

Why spend thoughts on a timeline for the future? Why not give your marriage (not your FWH) two years to recover? From DDay or recommitment? Then stop thinking about two years from now.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sneaky resentment building going on?

"Oh, I can tell you if he would have said something about what I was doing and called in nothing, I was going to say something about him sitting around DOING nothing before going to bed in the morning.

That frustrates me so much that he comes home and sit down with the computer or the TV and doesn't lift a hand to help out. Even when he was on days...now of course, this is when we were dating but we use to cook together and he helped me out alot...not anymore..."

FWH said "If" you are not doing anything...didn't say "right now" and didn't say you WERE not doing anything, did he? Granted, poorly phrased request all around there...he is watching you read a book he believes is about fixing him...give him some points for making a request at all...and leave it at that. Did you hear "Since" instead of "If"?

That would be a DJ, huh?

I wonder if I sound like a picky English teacher...

Good listen and repeat: "I heard you ask me to wipe down your bike saddle, a thoughtful request, is that correct?"

The sneaky control comes in that he insinuates that the request is being thoughtful of your desires and time...making it unimportant if you chose to do it...when you had nothing else to do. Kind of like what he desires is last place before you have a choice in the matter?

Or could it be he had wanted to do it himself, procrastinated, and is projecting that onto you? He did other stuff instead...had stuff to do...I dunno.

Separate the request from the context...why listen and repeat gets to the thoughtful request by shucking the DJ setup.

We don't only get one shot at this, Rin. At any nano second we can catch what we're doing, identify our filter and say, "Wow, I just did this...and that's not my true intention."

Building resentment builds our filters with resistance and distortion...you can tell because you'll feel worn out, tired, sick of something...like a metallic aftertaste...swallowing poison...

Honesty saves.

Ourselves and our relationships. Simultaneously.

It's the Mr. Clean for resentment build up.

Share from the book! I really wanna know about it...what did you think when you identified with the manager, rescuer and victim? Gimme my emotions fix of the day, Rin.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pretty please?

LA

So which one is working overtime....the giver or the taker?

L.

Geez we have plans this weds so it won't be till the following weds. God do I need it today.

You know about bringing it up. Just do it.

Tell him you need to go.

The MC thing for me has now been a mixed blessing the FWW wants to be the boss etc. Now she is questioning me like nobody's business. But on her side nothing.

It is barely noon and I am trying my hardest not to blow.

Our car dealership calls at 7:30 and the truck is ready. Well they missed a spot so now I have to bring it back again on monday. I stopped and got it washed on the way home. YS has soccor this morn. so it is busy.

OMG she is calling now with some BS questions. My god just make a decesion on your own. That is what the MC said to do. She is droning on and on and on. Still asking questions. Oh that call was about the baseball belt.

Any way I am pretty frustrated at that point with the whole car experience. She asks about the license plate. I said I think DMV will send it. She says are you sure. I said no but I think so. Well the guy said. I still don't know. Well.... OK I will say it one more time I don't know(in an agitated voice mind you she knew I was agitated already about the car) here we go ready for the victim statement. Well if you are going to be that way just let me out here. I will go home and miss the game. Why do you have to be like that. I stay still for a little. She makes the statement again about dropping her off. OH she called me angry. When I could remain calm I went through the laundry list of things I have done for her new car. I asked her if she was aware of the fact I was already agitated. Then I said I told you I didn't know about the license plate. No matter which different way you ask me the answer is going to remain I don't know. So you keep telling me you think I am wrong about DMV sending in. Finally I get even more agitated about the car and you keep going. Why.

So now she of course is the vitim but I said my peace.

Soccor game is ready to go. The team mom brings the banner but I put it together all last year. FWW volunteers me. I said I can do it no problem. They wanted to help. I said no it is easier for me to do it by myself. FWW starts putting it together Wrong. So I start taking it apart and laying out the pieces she keeps grabbing stuff and getting in my way. Ok I am agitated trying to do this and you keep getting in my way. Stood on banner talking to another mom.

Now end of game. My YS notices they spell his name wrong. Points it out to FWW.

She tells the lady they spelled YS name wrong. Enough said right. Not for my FWS she asks the "didn't you check to make sure the names were right" the mom said I got there late last night and first they gave me the wrong banner I just got the right banner and I needed to get home. Enough said right? Not for my FWW. Well didn't they have a list of names to go off of with the correct spelling. Then there was one more she through in for good measure. I forget that one. I was embarassed by her.

But guess what I am trying to take the banner apart and she is right in my GD way.

Oh and during my YS game she had to correct me on my parenting skills. When my YS gets knocked down he gets mad then he plays really hard. So all last year and even last game we would say YS just get mad.

She starts lecturing me how the game is supposed to be fun and we shouldn't tell him that. OK this is the same women that was mad that they stopped the game when a kid on the other team got hurt because YS was about to score a goal. Then when one of our kids got hurt we were playing 5 on 6 she wants to know why the other team didn't take a kid out. Because it is non competitive.

OK vent over. Sorry.

The point is I really want to blow. I really do. But I am back to just being quite.

She doesn't like me being the father figure but calls me about a belt for the YS.

So I breath and wait. If I don't I will be the bad guy again. Better be upset and not the bad guy then upset and the bad guy. You can bet when we get to MC we will be talking about this day.

O-Good afternoon! from the information that I presented I would say the taker resulting from Plan A. I haven't really gotten anything back. This is our third week doing well together after NC. He called OW and requested NC, then informed me that I would see the calls and that she hung up on him several times. A few days later, he said that he had to get rid of a problem. So, I guess I need to pull the riegns on that taker, huh? It will all come in due time.


LA-I'm very glad that you are doing well, along with the family. Oh, and I happen to love my picky English teacher...I admire her wonderful insight and the ability to changelle me without "making" me feel less than. LOL

"...can you see where you end and he begins in these two paragraphs? "

Let's see he was tired and said that he was tired of working...I hear negativity, not he's just tired...I'm trying to feel what he feels which in turn makes me tired and frustrated. I let his feelings determine how I felt...???...instead of just hearing he was tired!

With reading about the victim, I was thinking when I read about: "They feel they're the giving ones and that others prey on their generosity and kind heart."

I thought this has happened so often with H and I. I feel like I give , give, give and get very little in return or he'll wait forever it seems before doing something for me. I feel that I deserve to be loved better than this. I get frustrated and do want to leave but end up sticking around!

How is it possibly that I feel like all three roles apply to me?

I use to put H before me and the kids. For instance, I wanted to go to the store for something one time...well, I told H I was going...he decided right then and there that he was going to Home Depot...well, I understood that he wanted me to go with him...so, I didn't make it to the store to do whatever it was that I wanted brcause I went with him. It was something that he could have handled on his own.

As for the resecuer, I often feel that I have to "fix" things for him...either he doesn't want to do it or "doesn't KNOW how,"...

I simple phone call for example, he has called me at work while on the job and has asked me to call the dealership or someone else and then call him back. Why can't he pick up the phone and call, he wants to know, why do I have to pick up his slack? And you already know how I felt when he was on suspension...you told me to know that he is capable...this is fruatrating too!

As far the manager, I often wonder why he won't talk to me...I want him to open up and be able to share his thoughts and feelings...I would like him to be more affectionate. I have wondered what's wrong with me...I know differentially now. I have even felt that he's not capable of handling something because I feel like he pushes it off onto me. TBH, I can't see him managing a checkbook and keeping the utlities on...I have requested help, offered the checkbook, and there's no interest. I get the paycheck and decide where the money goes, then tell him...

He never knows where the money is and I tell him every week what I pay or need to pay. What bills come...so when money gets tight it's my fault because I didn't save enough...he won't say it in so many words, but it's here...

Then I get to hear about how tired he is of never having any...and I don't understand because the bills are paid...he will barely look at my cash flow chart...

Needless to say that a majority of what I feel is frustration and wonder how do I change this...I DON'T want to be a parent, a caretaker, a nurse...I just want to be me and H be him...I want closeness, and to be able to talk to me...

I never thought that I had a fear of intimacy because it's something I want so badly...I crave that closeness...then, I'll get a taste of it and BAM, it's gone...I'm like the little sheep waiting on empty promises...

BTW, I'm still considering IC like I said I would...

I could be an example in the book...LOL...it's so dishearting...

GOT your FIX? LMAO

I'll probably read some more tonight...

Oh, I joked with H this morning, letting him know that everyone loved that he works on "wenches." He got a good laugh of of it.

I was just thinking about how I put him to sleep this morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, well, H lays on his back and waits for me...this is common...but it's frustrating because I feel like I'm the one doing all the work...whether it's in the bedroom or not, I feel that way...

UGGGHhhh!

(((((HL))))))

I'm soo sorry that you are having a rough day! I can see the enmeshment on your FWW part. it seems to me that the longer I'm around the better I can identify it in other...which I hope give me the advantage of idenifing it within my own M and R with OP.

I do hope that your day improves and that you are able to read your book. Did you decided to buy one copy or two?

Got my fix, thank you, Rin...you're a great drug provider.

LOL

Sounds like you're in your old place...one of being busy doing the measuring you don't notice the spoils.

How's your pledge to do what you do not resent? Still holding to it in the present? Then why are you going through the past?

Or am I confused?

LA

It's reading this book...it's all past, before d-day stuff I was writing about...I'm reading a section an thought, for instances come to mind...

I'm doing my best to hold on to the present...last night I almost dropped the ball but I was reading when I talked to H. I know no excuses. I believe that is what is making this book so hard for my to read...the past popping up...thing is when I'm finished with it, I would like to read it again...study it really...payoff...to to my best to avoid repetitive behavior...

Thinking about what I did before and trying to find that pattern...that thing I need to do differentily in the present and future...not a certain time frame...don't get me wrong...just the future...

I can honestly say that I don't feel like I'm holding any resentment now...I can wish FWH would do things differentily but it's only a wish...kind of general like I wish he would do more...but I understand this is not about him, it's about me...moving forward...

My goals to rid myself of enmeshment...change my behavior...and not enable. Now, I can write that but it's getting there that's the rough part.

I've been working outside and the place is really coming together...I volunteer to cook supper not only for H but Big P at work...I promised stuffed pork chops and I need to get on that...

I'll be around later...I WANT to be ALL I can BE...for ME!

Rin,

I had a sneaking suspicion that was it...the overlap. We look to the past to see how the examples in the book worked in our marriage. Each time we think about an incident, our intent to examine, our helpful minds hands us all our emotions about that event as if it's happening. Knowing that is past helps a lot. Sharing that with WH is you acting on intimacy.

"Wow, I'm feeling a lot of stuff from the past right now and I know it's not happening now. This overlap is tough for me."

How about seeing what you're already doing differently in the present? Talking about your stuff, owning it and not seeing as him doing to you...which cleared the way to really see his part with clarity. I think that's part of why Jesus said to take the beam out of our own eye instead of focusing on the splinter in another's.

Not a judgment...a self-help tip.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

And know as you read you will experience anger, pain, fear, resentment, frustration...as you realize that several times you felt crazy and wrong, you weren't at all. Weight the marvelous realization that you have never been crazy more than the done to part. It helps.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You're not crazy!

Same thing for acknowledging that change is incremental...comes in tiny pieces...don't let the tiny part be seen by you as not enough...it is CHANGE. Size doesn't matter.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I won't be around much longer, I don't think. DH woke up. Time to share.

And be.

Being is gooooooood.

(((Rin)))

LA

Well, I thank you LA for letting me talk it out...I had forgotten that we can feel those emotions just as strongly as if we were there.

LOL...I'm working on it...same thing with what I'm going to call now...dadaaa...my workshop...you know instead of garage...

Please allow me to recap...this is the biggest project I have ever taken on and new ideas pop into my head as I'm building...

I tore down the wall and the cabinet, repaired the side walls, built a workstation, then the shelves to go on top of it. I just finished a shelving unit from floor to ceiling and attached in to the workstation. I was going to leave the cabinet under the station without shelves but decided to add ashelve to one. The other can house taller things like our baseball bats. There was a closet in the back that had shelves already but I decided to extend them to the other wall. Then, there was a space about three feet on the other side of the closet that I added one shelve to...our ice chests go on top and our generator on bottom.

Oh, I used an old gun rack that I had and modified it to house our fishing rods...also added a shelve beside the dryer. I have alot more ideas and so far...drumroll please...I've only spend 3 dollars on some hooks.

This is the true me...wierd being a woman and having a passion for building...I'm proud of myself...when I started I didn't know how to work a tablesaw...I've use my level as if were attached to me...LOL...LMAO...

I am in a wonderful, spectacular mood...I even let OS be my helper tonight for a while...poor kid...mom having to explain what tools to hand me...how to read a tape measure...RMFAO...I enjoyed myself...

Maybe tomorrow I'll have the patience to work with both the boys...That will be a task...YS can not keep his mouth closed! UHHHH! 4, you know?

I did a little more reading waiting on supper to finish and I may read a little before going to bed...I guess it depends how that shower feels...oh, oh, oh...I almost forgot "I" fixed the sink! Cool!

LOL, can you tell who does what around here? I really don't mind doing that kind of stuff...some people think of it as work but I don't...I'm learning because I have no experience...thing is I'm willing to jump into it and feel my way around...it may take me a few tries but I'll get it...

Hum? Okay, if that's the way I tackle home projects, then I need to apply that belief to my M. Don't know much about what I'm doing to start with but if I give it a few shots, I'll get it...OKAY!

Well, since I thought that though I'm going to get out of here. I hope that everyone has a wonderful night. Oh, H and big P called to let me know that the stuffed pork chops were great...I was worried...I didn't really like them...I have to make them different but the guys loved them...so that made me happy...I would have hated that my show of appreciation for them tasted bed! LOL

Good night...

Good Morning Everyone! I woke up early this morning and talked to FWH after he got home chitchatted for awhile. I mentioned that I was concerned about the kids with PA behavior. I know they are being kids but I'm sure our behavior has affected them.

YS is very aggressive and OS is passive UNTIL he gets angry. I mentioned it to H and he asked what I thought we should do. I said well the only thing I can do is change my behavior and led by example. Then, we can call out their behavior.

I asked him about his childhood saying that I felt like I didn't know much about it but from what I could tell him Mom was always here and his dad was either working or running the roads (chasing women probably, no I didn't say that). On that note his dad has a long history of cheating on his mom. There are possibly 11 kids that his mom think are out there that no one claims.

I understand that his paarent's M was abusive. His dad was concerned about getting a disease and he would force his mom to take meds. This info comes from MIL. MIL decided to D after 25 years after FIL admitted himself to the hospital. After talking with the social worker and hearing that FIL was homicial, suicial, and I can't remember whatelse, she moved out.

I just finished reading the section of the book "Living with a PA man," that talks about childhood.

Anyway, I asked H who was his male role model and he said that he didn't know. I said I was wondering if it was his grandpa. H kinda shrugged like a yeah, I guess.

I mentioned during our conversation something I thought was interesting and I actually found the part in the book and read it to H. It said that boys need their mothers when they are small, and boys gowing into men need their fathers. I told H I had heard him say something like that before. He say yeah, I probably did.

It wasn't much of a conversation but he was listening so that's good. Well, H is sleeping, and I'm going to nap a little while...the boys want to help me today...so I nap, then I put them to work.

What a great post about your workshop, Rin...and you tied it directly into the symbol I saw...thank you!

I think that's a flagship post for Plan A...the total authentic Plan A which sets you within yourself, all your stuff...your fears, courage, desires and effort...wow. Great post.

Be respectful while you explore H's childhood stuff...this caution isn't about you, but about him. Mothers come first...the one we have the hardest time distinguishing from ourselves...in boys, that especially difficult, instant conflict, because they aren't the same gender yet feel as if their moms are them...fathers come later...very important to girls and boys...but that first knowing we're separate from our mothers is the hot spot, I believe, in P/A behaviors...

Please share more of your delight in yourself for your garage to workshop venture...share how you felt, what you thought...your perspective only about you, and your experience. You built your own admiration, appreciation, acceptance, joy and self-confidence...at no one's expense. Being a creator does that...great self-care...and we all are creators.

I found that sharing more of my own childhood, points of P/A behaviors I could identify in my parents and sibling gave the opportunity for DH to share his...and kept my focus on me.

Going into his stuff, as I did so often, I was a digger, shifted my own focus to him...which can feel like an expectation fulfillment your H had...you got that book to fix him. Which tells him, reinforces, he's the problem. I believe a message has two sides...I'm interested in you (intimacy) and I'm fixing you.

That's how my DH heard it...

And a caution I think you'll identify with right away...seeing this stuff in your kids...they ARE kids...their behaviors are worth being aware of, but this P/A process is in it's natural state...it is when, as adults, we exhibit these behaviors, it's a sign we got locked into that child-like state, healthy to address. Children are finding the way to themselves...we're just witnesses, with too much influence, and later, not enough.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You nailed that our examples have the most impact. If this swells your fear, please keep in mind, you've already broken the legacy...you're doing the work which will alter everything...and it won't be perfect, perfect protection nor does it come with any guarantees. Our children grow, finding their way, in their own way...they need room, respect and acknowledgment...just like we do as adults.

My caution comes from my own experience of shifting my intense focus from my uncooperative DH, to my children...as another way to distract from myself. My sons felt the intensity of that focus as criticism, judgment, and constantly heard they were wrong or bad. Wasn't what I was saying, and I thought they were messed up--until I realized I exampled being more focused on them than what I can control. Me.

Have a great day with your family, Rin. Thank you for the great analogy to Plan A and for living authentically.

LA

HAHA...Since you asked to know more about my project I think I can manage to get more insight...

I have been wanting to tear down the wall between those two rooms in the garage for a few years...well H had some reservations about it and said not to do it...

Another time I even took down a few boards...well, this time I was going to do it...althought I have never done any type of deconstruction before I felt the wall would be a breeze. I was concerned about what repairs I would have to make to get it to look clean when I was finished.

Funny I was able to get out alot of emotions when I tore the wall down...I think it was really healthy because of the fact that FWH was going nights...I was scared. I'm not sure if I was scared of the A rekindling or if it was just those darn emotions creeping in of the night that I found out the A was partial taking place when he worked nights. (During the day when I was at work, ow, scary!)

All in all I, feel that this has been great therapy for me...see when I was working I didn't think about any of that stuff...I was/am concentrating on the task at hand and my abilities to get it done. Not only do I feel better able my talents but me as a whole, it's funny how something like that can boost your self-esteem.

All the years of wondering whether I was good enough...I have proven to myself...

When it came to building my first set of shelves, I was nervous and actually got mad because I tried to use the tablesaw without any instruction and cut it wrong. I walked into the house, said "I told you I needed you (FWH) to show me how to use it." Talk about great communication on my part...needless to say I was shown and from there the best was yet to come.

Looking back I can compare it to post D-day...I exposed, I had a blow up, things calmed down, and now I'm working on my part. I have learned great things about myself while Plan Aing and continue to learn new things about myself.

Anyway, while repairing the side walls I was nervous about my abilities to cut clean lines from the old wood I was recycling and making something that was worthy of my skills. I knew I was able but my question was can I make it look like I want to without screwing it up...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...sure I questioned myself the entire way through and as I went along, I got more confident! Not once did I get frustrated or angry with myself... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ideas started coming to mind...saying to myself "Well, I can do this and this, no I'm not going to do that."

It really feels great to start with nothing, not know where you're going to end up...much less if you can even do what you are setting out to do...and accomplish what you never thought you could! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

My remodeling is similar to my journey to recovery from all the pain and hurt...I didn't know if I could recover or even if I wanted to...but I've managed to find the energy...even when hot and tired to keep going...I've accomplished things within me that I didn't even know I could...

I feel wonder...like I'm on cloud nine...this week long project has made me feel strong. For a long time I had felt like I had lost myself...nothing I did made me feel good...but working with wood...creating something, anything...now that's a passion I have always had. For me it's a tiny miracle...

I've taken a good portion of the day cleaning up...I'm still not finished...I have a few more things that would make it easier to work in the area...but I like to clean up as I go.

So, I've been organizing all the tools, finding a home for them, the camping supplies, and occassionally...LMAO...a good song would come on the radio...

My feet would start moving and being alone, I could really let loose and act silly...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />...try some things I've seen on videos...connect with that inner child who loves to come out and play...Smiling the entire time...even now as I think at it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It really been a wonderful day...after this little timeout, I'm going to cook supper, spend some time with the kids...bring FWH's supper to work...and I'll be back in MY new workshop...

Of course, I'll share with FWH! I'm not that mean...anymore! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure I'll be back around tonight before bed. I'm wishing everyone the wonderful feeling of being alive, happy, and at one with yourself...because it's a great feeling! Thank to everyone who has guided me and shared their stories with me...helping me help myself and getting to this point...you know who you are! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Morning, everyone! I'm not doing so good this morning. I guess I'm a little down.

FWH and I got to visit a little while this morning, he stopped at "the store" and brought me coffee. He said that he got mine and his free this morning, mentioned that's why he enjoys going to that store they make you feel like family.

I said "yeah, when I go in there I don't pay for mine either." (It's seldom that I do, MOF, I'm trying hard not to let that store affect me.) Anyway, I asked H when the last time he saw OW was. He said that he saw her on her bus a few days ago, she blew the horn at him and he just waved.

He was O&H, which is my top EN. So, I need to be positive about that. I guess I'm just going to have to face the fact that b/c we live and work in the same area, that we are going to meet up like that.

I know that FWH does not want OW, and has no further interest in her. I also know that his biggest fear is losing the kids and I. I can also say that should FWH have another A, I will stand firm and go straight to my lawyer.

The way I feel about it, once, twice, three stikes you're out! I will stand firm on this, I will not subject my kids or myself to this misery. I value and respect myself far to much to be treated like trash.

Oh, speaking of...last night the kids and I were outside in the workshop and I forgot my phone in the house. Well, FWh called the house, no answer, and called my cell, no answer. he was nice enough to leave some rude messages talking about what was the point of have a cell phone (cursing the entire time) if I didn't carry it with me.

I got the message on the answering machine and called him back. He jumped down my throat saying what if it was an emergency. I politily said that I completely understood his point of view, but I just forgot to bring it with me.

A few hours later, his voice mail came through on my cell. I has just got out of the shower, call him to say Good night, then head to bed. He was at lunch. So, I calmly said I just got your voice mail, did you have to be so rude? he said well, I called the house several times, and then, you're cell, so by the time that I leave that message I was mad.

I asked him just because he was mad, did that give him the right to be rude to me? I said I completely understand why I need to carry my cell with me, b/c should you get hurt at work, I want to be the first to know about it. I'm very concerned about your wellfare, I just forgot.

It was a pleasant conversation, or at least I think!

Well, have to stop in the middle of my post to meet with my boss. I feel a little better than I did. She was asking me if I would be okay with getting off early on Wed., instead of Thurs. this week. I said that would work out better b/c I had forgot we have an important person coming into town on Thurs.

Well, I have a lot on my plate this morning and I need to work out of this mood. No sense in wasting good energy on unless [email]cr@p[/email], I have to may the most of today...LOL...

It just makes it so difficult with FWH working nights..barely any time with him...like yesterday before he went to work...he wake up and I went inside to make sure he was up...Well, I started taLking to him and followed him into the bathroom. He asked me if I was starving for conversation. I said yes I was, and I was sorry because I know he just woke up. He said he was trying to be nice about it. So, I didn't take any offense, and went into the kitchen to take care of his lunchbox and sweep.

What's going on here guys? Help me out...I'm not down, just a little out of sorts I guess b/c he waved at her when she blew.

UGH, it just started raining! I was thinking and wanted to mention (see what you all thought) that FWH's mom had called Sat. afternoon to check in and there was one thing in the conversation that kind of stuck with me...

He was telling her about what had happened at work with the suspension and said "You know me, mom, I'm not going to change." He was saying that he feels he got in trouble b/c he speaks his mind. I'm concerned about the statement of change. Any ideas on how I shoulld take that. this is not the first time FWH has said this...he's said that he's stubborn and it's just a part of him...he's not going to change.

Just a concern...

Well good luck on that.

The book I am reading called "Getting the love you want".

The first thing that struck me was "validate and empathize"

You did that with the phone thing that was good.

Now I am having a hard time reading the book because it is really stirring up some heavy emotions. Showing me where things have really gone wrong.

I would say that is going to be the toughest thing to overcome. Especially with a stubborn person. If they are stubborn it will be hard for them to validate because that may require admitting their actions are wrong. If they don't validate then how do they empathize.

If he doesn't change your M won't change for the better for you. It may change for the better for him. I don't know. Bad weekend so I am a little skewed.

HI Rin,
I can understand why him waving could make you think a little. I'd say right now...don't sweat it. I know sometimes when I'm driving in town and somebody beeps I wave automatically before I even realize who it is. She beeped first it was probably a natural response....and he told you. What was your gut feeling when he told you? Was he matter of fact about it? Yes, its contact...but it was accidental. He didn't flag her down and go meet for coffee did they. Just file it and be aware...if "accidental" contact increases there could be an issue.

Non-MB people don't always get why ZERO contact is important. OW house is on the route my FWH used to come home from work. During the A very often he would stop by just to say hi on the way home. When I asked him if drove by her house he didn't get why it was a problem. Then I told him about triggers. That I avoid driving by her house because it brings up a lot of unpleasant thoughts for me...but when he drove by he probably remembered times he spent there fondly...keeping affection alive for her. I guess its the same thing with a friendly gesture. As far as I know FWH takes a different route when he comes home now.

ETA:
As far as change....well he did change. He was once a wonderful H...and changed to an alien...it will take a while to deprogram the alien script. Check out my thread my FWH had insights to change in thought process.