Hi, HL. I hear you. I'll explain.

WH called. Trying to make peace...asked that I back off a little...it's a circle when it come to future contact...I think I know why...I don't think it has anything to do with OW...it's her son...He wants to have contact with her son, not her...I know the why too.

J plays football, WH and J would sit down and watch J's football clips together and WH gave him pointers...The team started having a winning season after WH and J did this.

Can you see the ego boast from the son? THe phone call the other day was with J supposely for more of the time.

WH admits the A was a mistake. He said he will not C her, but will not give me an answer of future contact with her.

WH is trying to make a mends...I said I didn't know...I thought we needed a cooling off period...examine ourselves...a few days...WH said OKay.

WH said that it's not about any one person..that I'm trying to corral him into doing what I want.

I said that I am acknoledging what he is doing...staying home...he has accounted for his time...he did answer the phone...WH admitted that he understands that there has to be limits and boundaries...WHAT? Yes, I heard him say that!

No, he wasn't drinking! He does not understand why he needs to protect me from future C, as far as he is concerned the A is over, and he made a mistake.

I hear and see all of his fear, LA, I do! For him to admit that there needs to be limits and boundaries is big...

So, mimi, basic four rules, be still, pay attention...What you think guys?

He has been doing soo good before NC was broken...

Now, I'm not okay...is he screwing with me...

I mean I know it's my part that I didn't explain NC better...that is my fault...

He has been stepping up to the plate...I really want to see my part...

HL- You said the other day...wake up and smell the coffee...you see what's been going on...LA, you too...

My heart and my head are not in sink ...lol..in sink...I'm the [censored], aren't I?

I am so crying right now! WH said all I'm asking is to back up and look at things...everything...

We're suppose to come up with a plan. He sees me moving forward as selfish, and it sounded like he wants to move forward with me from the way he said it!

Yes, it would be wrong. YOU live in truth, remember? Your WH may try to manipulate and "omit" truth, but that's not you. You don't manipulate people by witholding the truth.

Let it be something that you can both be relieved about.

I'm glad you're feeling a little more collected right now. You sound good!

-Ami.

Thanks AmI! I TMed H with the good news!

Ask him to replace the books, if he's sincerely sorry.

Porn and self-improvement are not in the same class - and I'd flat out tell him if he wants to continue that track, you're done - it's how he rationalizes the "contact".

My husband wouldn't dare pull this on me with his porn stash - when he had one. All I'd have to do is look at him with one eyebrow raised, and ask, "Do you really want to go there?" Of course, my husband knows full well what porn does to his spiritual center, so he's spiritually sensitive enough to feel shame.

How's your personal prayers these days? Have you taken time out to just ground yourself spiritually?

O-


This means alot to me...it reminded me that yesterday, he told one of our friends that he didn't see how I put up with him...LOL..that he thinks his mom paid me.

My head and eyes are soo clouded right now...I refuse to be stepped on...but H owns that he made a mistake...then there's comments like that...

I don't think it's to hard to agree with him on things like that...he even questions himself with SF with me...

Hi, KA!


Yesterday on the motorcycle ride I did alot of praying...once me head cleared...a whole lot of praying...

Today...has not been good for me...today I have not prayed for GOd to help me find the answers...to grant me strenght to go on...to guide me...to help WH...to help my friends...

No, not today...I need too!

I'm turning in. I've been getting up 6 AM to walk before work...it feels good when its DONE.

Have a peaceful night... you are in my thoughts and prayers. Rest your mind tonight...

I'll stop by tomorrow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

thanks ChaCha,

I have a confession...I like my new book better than SAA.

I know why I'm not sleeping...I've read 54 pages tonight out of 257. It also explains in detail what the WS is going through.

I'll keep everyone up on the progress...it reapeats alot of SAA but differently.

I spoke again to H, he said that he was going to wait until the morning to tell me but he's going ride with a friends of OURS to pick up her H from offshore. They will be leaving about the same time that F and I leave.

That's that Transparentancy again for H. I see him trying...and that's why I'm not feeling Plan B yet...

That's why I like this new book, it explains in detail why I'm back and forth about the issue. I tolf H I got a new book, even read a passage to him out of it. He said that was good and that I needed to get some rest. H said that he would see me in the morning.

I plan to be very guarded over the next few days/week...this cooling off period...I will try to be very aware of positive and negative behavior from H as well as me own.

So, my plan for the time being is standing still and awareness, perhaps sharing more of my book.

The principles are there just worded differently. Time will tell.

U realize u r dealing with multiple personality disorder, right? That is what ALL WS' have. Can't be one w/o it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So what t/d? Don't feel ready for plan B? He burned your books, threatened to burn your home, etc. and you don't feel the need to protect yourself, your family and your homestead? Really!?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Think about this: Plan A your spouse and plan B the WS.

I'd mail you my copy of Hn/Hn but I loaned it out a few years ago. Arrgh.....

You seem to be in a rut. Can you move forward while stuck in a rut?

The question is what's it gonna take to get you out of that rut before you or someone else or something precious gets hurt or destroyed?

L.

Unreal!

Thank you O for your post!

Sorry Rin. I must be getting tired. I posted kinda kooky. I just corrected one sentence. Try readling it again and let me know if it make sense. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Good Morning, O!


I believe that I can! I have changed so much and I'm not about to give that up now.

H came in this morning trying to talk about things in general. I answered, I didn't offer anything. He was being extremely nice, asking what I wanted for my b-day (that's not usual behavior), pecked my several times and said "I DO love you!"

I have my thoughts about his behavior, but I'm going to keep them to myself. I am going to my Al-anon meeting tonight. I am going to finish reading my new book "After the A." I even shared it with H this morning. H actually picked it up and read the back cover. Can we say shocked?

I'm not going to lie, it's a toss up for me right now, wanting to go, wanting to stay...H knows this, I'm not trying to hid it. His behavior yesterday was impulsive and I told him that it pushed me more to leaving.

He's also aware that other people know what he did...my brother (half)! I called home to see if I could get another copy of my grandpa's obitary before I got home and had to explain to him what happened. MY B was going to talk to my SMom about it.

I was sitting on the sofa this morning and I reminded myself aloud that I needed to call my B and let him know that I wouldn't be needing it. H said "Well, couldn't you have gotten another one out of the paper." I said "No, those were made for the family, they're in color." He just replied Oh, and went back into the bathroom.

I'm detached right now, it's for the best! I have a decision to make, but I'm not making it right now. I don't have what I need yet, I think I need to relax, sit back, and watch. I'll keep working on me, recognizing the old patterns, changing MY behavior, acting, listening, trust my gut, and ask for clarification.

He's crossed the line and I'm not backing down. Do any of you remember how long it took before he dug his heels out of the sand b/f requesting NC?

H is very stubborn, but he's not stupid.

I'm not sure how you are working the MB Plans.

I see you as being in PLAN A, correct? Negotiating NC...

If you are in Recovery, NC is non-negotiable.

After Plan A and continued contact despite your negotiations, then PLAN B.

My FWH did not stop contact until I did PLAN B. I refused to reconcile without the PLAN B conditions.

I think it's BEST to do the PLANS as recommended by the Harleys unless you are being counseled differently by THEM.

I ALWAYS GOOFED BIG TIME WHEN I INSISTED UPON DOING THINGS MY WAY.

That's why I'm such a stickler for the plans.

Also, you keep describing HIM as being your H. Don't you think a YOUR HUSBAND needs to be distinguished from a WAYWARD HUSBAND. I'm sorry. My HUSBAND is definitely an intelligent, knowledgeable man. But, when he was a WAYWARD HUSBAND, he definitely was STUPID and IGNORANT even CRAZY...

Morning, mimi!

I am in Plan A...most so for ME...It's what I NEED.

I'm really not sure WHAT to call HIM...I see some fog moments and then I see H moments...I'm seeing more H moments these days...like this morning!

WH was yesterday, that's for sure!

I'm also trying to look at the sitch and see in I'm in a abusive sitch...similiar to that of a domestic abuse sitch without the physical abuse...you know spouse does something bad to the other, then tries to make up for it...

I'm trying to keep my eyes open and be as objective as I can...that's why I think it's SO important that I plan A for ME right now...

Grow, learn...to be the BEST ME I can...which includes being the best wife, the best mother...not perfect...just better than I was...

Oh, I'm so excited! YS's pics up in the photo album! He's sooooo cute!

Rin,

Just thinking of you...applauding you for examining the patterns between you...

LA

Rin,

I went through several false recoveries before I finally got to plan B. I understand your hesitation. I know everyone here is trying to give you the best advice based on their knowledge and experience. It can be frustrating sometimes b/c eventhough we've all been through this we are still not living your life first hand.

Please know that all of their advice and suggestions comes out of genuine care and concern. You have some wonderful people posting to you and they definately know what they are talking about so I don't want to discount anything they have posted to you.

However, I am a firm believer in trusting your intuition and gut feelings. If you don't feel it is the right time to go to plan B then don't, but make sure you aren't hesitating based solely on fear. If you are not completely ready to do plan B then you won't do it effectively. Someone ( I think it was Pep) always says "you only get one shot to do a great plan B". This is so true. If there is any hesitation or uncertainty in you then your WH is going to pick up on this and use it.

I'm not suggesting you do what I did, I'm suggesting you do what feels right to you.

I plan A'd my FWH way too long based on most people's standards. But SH agreed with me and my FWH did not live at home, so going to Plan B was logistically possible for me, but as long as I had the stamina for Plan A SH recommended I continue with a guarded plan A. He wanted me to keep a guage on my mental stamina and go to plan B immediately if I felt myself becoming too "weak" to continue. That is what I did. I finally came to the decision to do plan B in a split second. FWH said something to me really nasty and I knew right then that I was ready.

I could not have done it even a day sooner. I HAD to be ready. FWH had to know that I meant business, if I wasn't really ready he would have seen through it immediately.

I'm sure many people will disagree. I understand the concern over the aggressive behavior, I have the same concerns, but I trust that you will protect your children if you feel they are in danger. You have done your research on what you need to do to remove yourself from this situation if it should come to that.

Keep following your gut instincts, I truly believe they will not steer you wrong.

Rin,

Glad you are feeling better.

One of the things I noticed in my M is not matter how much my FWW hurt me and continued to hurt me I always jumped right back in.

I didn't dip my toe in the water to see if it was cold or to shallow to jump back in.

I would see a positive in my FWW that to be quite honest didn't make up for the negative but I wanted to see a big change so I did. I wanted to believe my FWW was committed to me and this M so I did. Then one day I stopped projecting what I wanted to see in my FWW and believing it.

Have you ever seen those picture that at a distance look like an object but as you get closer you see the big picture is made up of a whole bunch of little pictures put together in a way to look like the big picture? What is usually interesting about these pictures to me is that if the big picture is of Marylin Monroe all of the little pictures are of her too. They are so darn cool you get close enough and you see thousands of pictures of her making up that one big picture. If you never get close enough though you will never even notice all the little pictures. All the little pictures that make up that big one.

Sometimes I have felt like Charlie Brown. Lucy keeps putting the football out there for me to kick it then pulls it away at the very last second. I wind up on my butt yet again but next time she puts that football down I try to kick it anyway. In the meantime instead of running full steam ahead if Charlie took a cautious approach based on his past experiance with Lucy he probably wouldn't wind up on his but so much. Hey Charlie how about standing right over the ball and kicking it. Then take a few steps until you Know Lucy isn't going to pull that ball out again.

Alrighty then, Rin..

We are on the SAME PAGE..Plan A it is for you RIGHT NOW...

I basically agree with Inadaze..followed her same pattern..in Plan A for as long as possible with Steve's guidance..into Plan B when my FWH became intolerable..like you did loads of work on myself during PLAN A..that was my primary focus...

Don't have much time again today but will check back with you later...

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