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Thanks for the check-ins, the great advice and support.

Any better? Nope. I've got myself twisted into a ball of resentment, deep in withdrawal...choosing this hurtful perspective with awareness.

Like there's some great payoff.

Funny thing with my resentment...even curled into a figurative ball, the hurt gets through...really doesn't shield or alter, does it?

********EDIT******

Taking it all in the worst way possible, eh? Downward spirals suck. Your love and support doesn't.



And yes, the offender got 120 days on an ankle monitor...and my son (whose court date is Tuesday) is having his car sued by the city in a civil suit.

Was confirmed yesterday from a voicemail.

LA

Last edited by Justuss; 12/10/07 03:30 PM.
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Time for some ARMOR....so those hits don't hurt.


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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LA, you can psychobabble to me any time.

(((hugs)))


~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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Let's DEEM "QUEEN OF PSYCHOBABBLE" as being a GREAT THING!

Let's rename you QUEENIE!!



I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Bramblerose...help me with armor, please.

Resentment, entitlement...that well-worn reactive road isn't where I want to walk...even as I'm looking at my feet and the same scenery again.

I can't tell you guys how much that phrase hurts. My DH said that to me during his affair...same tone, same way. Talk about a trigger.

Mimi...help me with armor which does not offend, attack back, instigate or sneak by my integrity, 'k?

It's the combination...stress in my life right now, my marriage, these boards...in myself. I know this is a huge lesson I've been trying to learn all year...God's brought some incredible people to MB, I believe, in direct response for my prayers to learn and know more...

I think my cowardice in contributing my opinion has spun me back into old cycles. Confrontation is not attack...maybe time to get back to Alanon meetings...

As usual...I don't perceive correctly.

What's the difference between standing by while others do evil and not feeding the trollish behavior? Where's that middle ground? Is Ignore the only way? Do I really need to put five people on perpetual ignore?

I did that for a week. There were so many posts I wasn't viewing when I clicked on a thread. I took them back off today.

Is that armor, Mimi?

I can't see making psychobabble into something I want to be queen of, Mimi. I like the way you flipped it, though.

You're creative.

***********EDIT************

I'm praying for God to help me get this lesson...instead of it getting me.

LA

Last edited by Justuss; 12/10/07 04:08 PM.
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FWIW, I have never thought of you as a charlatan or evil guide or "psycho-babbling" or whatever other things you might have been called ......

I credit you with saving my sanity from my own ignorance and self destructiveness. For giving me some desperately needed perspective and tools that I never even knew existed. LA, before you started posting to me, there was so much in life that I never knew .... it was so foreign to me .... I never could figure out how people were able to relate to other people the way they did. It was SOOO foreign to me that the first few times you posted to me, I thought "What is this woman TALKING about????" and I had to re-read and re-read just to understand it. I didn't know anything about letting other people have their own stuff and me taking care of mine..... I didn't know about choosing my own perspectives. Openness and honesty, what? And how in the world would you talk to a spouse about things like that? There was so, so much that I didn't know, never got, didn't understand. Maybe it was all elementary and basic, stuff I should have known, but I didn't.

And you were patient enough to keep posting it to me, keep explaing over and over ..... changing the words or the picture until I could "get" it ..... then reminding me all over again when I un-got it .....

I have pages and pages and pages of your posts printed out at home, underlined, highlighted, dog-eared .....

And I'm a better person, with a happier, more real, much, much better life than I ever had before. Even if my H and I hadn't worked out, I learned so much from you, way beyond just about my M, that my life still would have been so much better than it was.

And I'm telling you that it's thanks to you. Even after IC and all the church classes and considering myself a pretty inteligent person ..... I never knew any of this stuff, never understood it, until YOU took the time to patiently and kindly and lovingly teach me.

I haven't expressed my appreciation enough, I don't know if there's any way to even do that.


I hope there's some validation, some payoff in this for you. Not just in my opinion of you, but in the actual tangible improvements that you have made to my life, and the lives of other people here. I hope there is payoff there for you because I believe there are so many other people who need your kind of guidance and patience and wisdom. I'd hate for anyone to miss out on that from you.


I don't know what the answer is to all the bickering and the pot-shots and nasty comments. But wanted you to know that there are lots of good opinions of you out here, too. And at least one example of real, tangible, life-changing good results, more than just a comment or opinion.

You've been a miracle and life-saver for me.
I can never, ever tell you how much you have meant to me. Can you thread some of this into your armor? I'd certaily take some of those bullets for you if I could!!!

-AmI.


WH's A: 1/18/06 - ???? D-Days: 3/28, 4/14 (false recovery), 9/5 8/11 -- WH announces that he doesn't love me anymore. 9/5, confirmed A was renewed, PBL & re-exposure which gets him investigated. He refuses to move out and gets blatant with the A. 10/15, “Plan F-U”. Yuck. But it did start some talking. C w/OW continued until ....? MC with SH 11/24, WH says he loves me. Making progress. My own and with us.
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Here's your ARMOR...

I ditto every single thing that AmIok has said..but I'm busy today and don't have the words...it's all in my mind..in my heart..I could be me saying those same things that she is saying...

REALLY..YOU HAVE HELPED ME PERSONALLY, IMMENSELY..when I was really struggling in dealing with my H during early RECOVERY...when I was struggling with my own children..

You didn't have to do this FOR US...it was out of your loving care about other people that you don't even know...

You are an inspiration...you are GOD SENT as far as I am concerned..GOD placed you and others HERE in my life...Don't turn away from HIS WORK..walk into THE LIGHT of HIS LOVE for US...

And I'm sorry to make a joke about the psychobabble..but really I would have you to LAUGH IT OFF...if you could...

THINK OF US as BEING YOUR ARMOR...We are all gathered around you..

But most importantly PUT ON THE ARMOR OF GOD..

Read Ephesians 6:10-18

Last edited by mimi_here; 12/10/07 03:26 PM.

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LA ~ its the same basic principles we try to share with every new BS who shows up here on the boards.

My husband used dismiss my thoughts, opinions and points of view as psycho-babble too.

It's a self righteous, superior and very close minded trick to win an argument.

It's abusive.

So lets start with that last point:

1. It hurts. It hurt you. It's OK to feel hurt. Let's acknowledge that you are harmed by that behavior (Awareness).

2. Accept that you are a person who is hurt by other people who dismiss your contributions as worthless. This is who you are. (Self acceptance).

So...do you want to continue to be someone who is hurt by petty, thoughless bullying?

(I assume that no, you don't want to continue to be someone who is hurt by cruel attacks)

3. Draw boundaries (take action).

This is where you can be creative.

Maybe you want to use ignore. But as you said, you can't read threads with 5 active posters on ignore.

So, you can't call yourself a victim anymore, when you read vicious attacks on yourself. You choose to make yourself available.

But does that mean that you must endure the pain of mean, belittling behavior?

Not necessarily.

You see, I learned this important Rule: What other people think (or say) about me, is NONE of my business.

I choose whether or not I give power to other people in my life. I care about what my boss (whom I respect) thinks about me. I care about what my husband thinks about me. I care what my children think about me.

But what they feel, think, or say, is filtered by their OWN issues and crapola. Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true.

You can choose people whose input you will ignore and not take in and make a part of you. You can choose to filter out the input from people who are not credible. This is a boundary too.

When you are attacked you should feel empowered to examine the attack for credibility (is there something I need to change?) and if there is none, discard it and move on with your day.

The hurt, the pain, is a symptom of your choice to take that criticism into who you are, and to allow it to harm your inner peace and joy.

If you discard it at the door of your soul...no damage is possible.


~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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Btw...thank you, Dazey, for your post. I think I missed acknowledging you.

Thank you, AmI...your post hit something in me deeply...because I have sunk to thinking that extreme...that I didn't follow God's message, wiped out all efforts...that all or nothing was hitting me pretty hard. The way you phrased your post...I had no idea. I related to you, because of your persistence, willingness to connect...even about connection. That's you, AmI. Part of your wonderfulness...and I love how you didn't equate intelligence to understanding...and you know we aren't alone in that.

My payoff...bringing this back to me...in spades...thank you so much. Mimi you're right about the armor of God...I told you I've been hiding from him lately...part of the barrier I put up in my old reactivity and resentment. He's coming through loud and clear through you all.

I knew this Bramblerose...even shared it again with my whole family a week ago last Sunday...and look at me a week later...shutting it out...refusing to choose this...know this.

You're absolutely right. The attacks are about the attacker...not me. My feelings of defensiveness, shock and hurt are about me taking in what isn't mine...believing it's about me.

Deep breath...new choice. Same for others...when I see them attacked...I'm wanting to step in and defend...taking in the hurt even second and third-hand. I really must want to hurt right now, eh?

Maybe this solves the "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" condundrum for me...because they do hurt...lol...until I get those names are about the person calling them, not me. Rinse. Repeat.

I do check myself, Bramble...when I got thoroughly trounced on JustJilly's Begin Again thread in March...I changed. No more using "abusive" and "abuse" in the Patricia Evans way...too afraid...and reading the threads about back (behind back's back) triggered me back to March. I check myself...then I wanna check others.

LOL

Letting go the outcome...I see my fingers all over the outcome.

Same for humor, Mimi...I would do repair attempts in conflict with my DH...to the extent of laughing off what seared...denying to myself...so I'm not laughing that off. Those who call me the high priestess of psychobabble...that's about them, their fear...does not mean I am not God-fearing, God-loving Christian. They don't get to make that call, right?

Taking my own advice...acting from truth (as you all have so lovingly brought back to me)...though I fear to post, post anyway.

Am I close? It's not all undone and it's not all roses...I may be experiencing right now this way...doesn't make it so. MB isn't being undone, nor is it as it was a couple of years ago, either.

Thank you for being here for me. God's beautiful reminder to ask and you shall receive. I closed that off, too. Feel like I really let down mvg, GuidedCertainty, Dazey, Diamondsj...let my fear of being a fraud get in the way.

When you hear it enough, that doublecheck turns into a voice in my head...self-doubt...fear gaining over love and bravery. Dang. Am I alone in that?

LA

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Ditto Mimi, AmI and BR...

When I read that statement from******I hurt for you. I felt so much anger and my first instinct was to sink to his level. Many nasty words came to mind. But then I remembered who we are dealing with. And honestly LA, in that case you just have to consider the source and be done with it.

Please don't let others cause you hurt with their caustic and careless words.

(((LA)))

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I think that WE that have spoken HERE speak the same language...

Maybe we should come up with our OWN NAME for OUR LANGUAGE...

I'm thinking....



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It has to do with SPEAKING to the HEART and THE SOUL...


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Quote:



Taking my own advice...acting from truth (as you all have so lovingly brought back to me)...though I fear to post, post anyway.






Aahh...LA. I too have this problem. The fear to post. I believe it was Ark that pointed her thoughts on this out on another volatile thread... why is it that we are afraid to post on an anonymous forum?

That makes so much sense but yet I am still afraid to post my true thoughts and feelings on here. So many times I type out posts and then delete them.

That conflict avoider in me still rearing it's ugly head! Even on an anonymous board I can't stand conflict. That's my truth, when reading these volatile threads I feel anxiety. Very very strong anxiety.

Still something I'm working on...

And I feel sadness. Sadness that the true basis for these boards gets lost in all of this bitterness and arguing. This is the main reason I stuck to the Recovery board even while FWH was an active WH I stayed on the Recovery board. There I felt safe. GQII does not always feel safe.



And, after one such nasty little thread that I did lower myself and respond to, I added the below quote to my sig line. I think it sums up many posters on here nicely.

Last edited by InADaze; 12/10/07 04:46 PM.

None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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Soulspeak, Mimi?



Daze & BR,

Part of why I took in**********statement is because of the valuable lesson he taught me back in March. I valued him...esteemed him...his high honesty made that lesson possible for me.

That was about him...not me. I gotta remember that. That's the door, swings out and in, me letting in his stuff.

Thank you for this lesson, Lord. Through your love, all is possible...you're always providing me the way home...through love.

LA

P.S. Thank you for sharing, Dazey. I had no idea.

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ooohhh... I like it!!! Soulspeak.


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LA ~ I know you know everything I just posted already.

But you clearly needed a spanking and as always, I love to oblige!


~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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BR,

If that was a spanking, then I'll take it! Seemed to me to be what I needed most when I needed it most.

I know you're obliging, though.

Heehee.

Now I'm going to see if Justuss edited the other person.

LOL

LA

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Whoa...it was an edit fest.

Including Ark.

I don't believe I've ever seen Ark edited before.

LA

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((LA)) cyper hugs and prayers for peace, strength and wisdom.

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HI, just chiming in...I like the soulspeak...

I think that you are doing great...and I value all of the posts...

I know that I prefer to speak to person who are similar in my thinking which I believe has become program thinking...an conscience effort to apply what I have learned...

I think that after some time that it kicks in without my knowing it and that's how I keep my focus today..

It's been a tiring day...dealing with my sitch all day...

Wishing you well!


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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