My husband and I have been married for only four months and we have been separated for three weeks! Since then, I have learned a great deal of things that have gone wrong throughout our relationship. I have taken ownership of hurtful things I have said and high expectations which were not spoken of, just assumed. Since the separation, my husband has completely changed. He does not think that we could do this together anymore...his hurt has not subsidded. Instead, he's going out with his friends and being productive in his work by just pushing marrital issues aside and focusing on whatever else.

I am working on myself as well. Working hard at work and working out, but I really want him to come back home. I understand that I have to step back and let him make choices, but its only been 4 months since we've been married!! I really feel as though I am loosing him. He is not as hopeful and does not have the same love in his eyes as he used to. I understand that marriage is work and people just have to get through things together, but his parents divorced when he was very young and does not have relationship role models.

Is this just how men deal with hurt? How long should I just "back off?" and when does it come time to make decissions? We are talking to a marriage conselor, but I dont think her therapy style works well with my goals. She advises us not to talk as much and continue to live separately. I dont like it at all. I want us to start over and try our best for this marriage!! I love him very much and am trying very hard not to act needy but I do miss my husband very much.

There is also the worry that he has shown me that he can disconnect his emotions so strongly. This is a side of him that Ive never seen. He is in such a state of confusion. He says, "I dont know if I want to be married anymore, we'll just have to find that out from our conseling." This hurt me more than anything. Sigh, is he saying this out of hurt emotions or logic? I suppose its a good sign that he is still willing to go to therapy together right?

hi ssue,

you have helped me quite a bit with my issues and i hope i can lend a bit of light because we seem in the same boat. it seems to me there are highs and lows to working these things out.......if they ever do get worked out. 2 days ago i was dismal about our chances, yesterday things were looking up so much and now today i am pretty sure there is no hope. i think time is a great healer but people have to be willing to give it a chance.
you and i are the ones sitting here trying to work on our marriages and looking for solutions. our spouses are out enjoying themselves doing who knows what. as i write this my suspicions about another person in the mix are just killing me. maybe you've thought of this as well. i have found so much info on this site that it is amazing and i wish i could share some of it with her. but what we are both missing really is the fact that they don't want to try. how can you get them to give it another go? how do you convince them it will be worth it?
we can't. they have to convince themselves. that is a tough one to take because most likely they won't because they are having fun.
i have no hard answers for you only that i feel your pain because i am lost and hurt too. looking for answers we can't share with our spouses.
if only we could get through to them!

Why do we try so hard?? At this very moment, I feel there is no hope either. I am not willing to "give it another go". Listen, there are so many people out in the world that can be better to you...and to me. This is silly to waste so much time and effort into people who are unwilling. Am I saying they are doomed? NO! I am simply saying, Lets get on with our lives!! Stop eating away at yourself. Lets just get on with what WE have to do. You are in control as well as I. I wish we could see that this does not have to be this way. Life is passing us by......I could just kick myself.