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McBecca Offline OP
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Ok so I thought week 1 was bad enough, but then last week it didn't seem so bad, and here I am in the middle of week 3 and falling apart. Crying, thinking too much, missing him, etc etc etc

The worse part is communication is the worse issue in our marriage so talking to H is not possible and right now I am afraid I would just hurt his feelings. How do I get through this??

For background info A from 12/04 to 5/06 with a few tries to NC in between after D-day 10/05. OC born 6/8/06, NC since 8/5. Moved to another state so PA not possible but gosh I just miss my friend.

Haven't started MC yet due to time constrains so I don't know where to turn right now. Even God feels so far away....

Becca\


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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Just a quick thought...don't dismiss PPD as a possibility.

Have you talked to your doctor about the possiblity of an antidepressant short term?

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McBecca, it will actually get worse before it gets better.

Not very uplifting I know. Are you on AD's?

It is a grief process and you have to go through all the stages.

One day, trust me, if you don't give into the urge to contact him, you will wake up one morning and you will realise that he hasn't been in your thoughts quite so much, then hardly at all, then not at all.

I visited a grief website when I was going through this and it helped immensely.

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McBecca Offline OP
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PPD? AD? hmmm... maybe you guys are right...

Maybe I should ask for some.... I feel like I lost my best friend,the only person I could be "me" with and didn't feel judged, the only person that seemed to know just what to say or do to make me feel better. I feel so alone.

Is this all part of withdrawl?

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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Absolutely part of withdrawal.

Can you lean on your H more? Give him the chance McBecca, seriously, give him the chance. You will NOT hurt his feelings by being honest with him. He is probably extremely concerned, extremely worried and extremely insecure right now.

DON'T give in to the urge to contact the OM. You will be very, very pleased you didn't.

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No contact is horrible.

It will feel horrible.

It will feel horrible for a very long time.

I will get better with time.

Distraction was the only thing that worked with me. I developed hobbies that became obsessions.

I began to exercise to exhaustion. For the first year after my affair I ran at least 50 mile a week, every week. I ran in the rain, in the snow, in the blistering heat of August. I always ran alone, mostly in a local forest. It took up my free time and I need to have that free time gone.

What problem do you have with communication with your H? You need to identify what is going on and to fix it. My affair also started with a friend, and communication was what we did best together. You need to find a way to get this need met with your husband.


What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. ~ John Ruskin
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Yes, it is all part of withdrawl.

Sadly no way out but through.

You have invested years of yourself in this affair and have even produced a child..the loss is going to HURT and it's going to hurt a lot.

I would look into at least a short term AD..even if you DON'T have PPD it may still help you through withdrawl...Dr Harley often recommends ADs for the WS during the withdrawl period.

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McBecca Offline OP
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How do I do that?? How do I tell him that I miss OM?? that if it wasn't for our children I would be there with OM?? gosh, that is just as cruel as the A itself!!! but I can't even seem able to let him console me. I don't want him to touch me or be intimate with me. I put on a smile the minute he walks in the door bu I cry at night when he is asleep.

I keep praying and praying for some type of comfort.
Becca


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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McBecca Offline OP
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The problemm is he is not big into "talking", he likes to fix things and talkign to him is wasteful so that has been our problem the 16 yrs we've been together. I accepted ths by becoming involved in other things, work, church, children (and eventually A). But we moved so I am in a new city ALONE with a baby and NC is proving to be excrutiating right now.

To make matters worse MC hasn't started yet and probably won't for a while since H is working 60/70 hr weeks right now. I am staying at home and trying to find ways to keep busy but with a newborn in the house it is hard.

I have two close friends I call and talk about this a lot and that helps too. I just thought I was doing better but then all of a sudden it all blows on my face and I fall apart.

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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Has it occurred to you that you are dying of thirst while surrounded by water?

Your post indicates to me that you want comfort..but you want it from OM..you specifically do NOT want comfort/intimacy/honesty from your H and are not willing to allow it even a little.

You are withdrawn from your H at this time...you have rolled up the rug and locked the doors emotionally speaking..so take THAT and add to it that you have also removed OM as a source of comfort and what have you got?

What have you got McBecca? Isolation. Is it any suprise then that you are struggling with depression?

The plan that you are carrying out currently has *zero* chance of success..this is an intermission not a recovery.

Continue down this road and it will lead you right back to OM and affair.

Either you recover your marriage or you do not.

Are there any ENs that you are willing to allow your H to meet?

What are they and how might he go about doing it?

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Becca,

Don't sell your husband short. He is still with you isn't he? Even after you've done the worse possilble thing you can do to a spouse, he is still there by your side.

That is a man that you can trust. If you are hurting tell him so. Let him comfort you (even if you don't really want him do it right now). Can you imagine how he feels? He sees his wife in pain and he wants to help her, but she won't let him.

If you ever want to have an intimate realtionship with your H you are going to have to expose yourself to him, your going to have to make yourself vulnerable, and you going to have to let him comfort you if he wants to.

I initally stayed with my wife for the kids too. That is a fine reason to stay. At one time I loathed my wife, I couldn't touch her or be touched by her. I slept the spare bedroom for a very long time. I would leave the room when she entered . . . Any of this sound familiar?

I love my wife again. Our marriage is better that it has ever been. We are friends . . . and lovers. This takes time.


What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. ~ John Ruskin
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McBecca Offline OP
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I need to figure that out.... The thing is we aren't currently "actively" trying to recover or fix our M. I think H is waiting for me to take the initiative. He's kind and tells me he will not go down without a fight but he has done nothing in terms of our relationship right now. We did some MC last year when I told him about the A but that was for about 2 months and nothing since.

We moved before child was born and I guess we were fooling ourselves thinking that would solve all the problems. In the meantime we found out C belongs to OM and that just brought me back to square one!

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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McBecca Offline OP
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WOW yes it does sound familiar!!! I am so afraid to hurt him but how can I hurt him any more than I already have uh??

Thanks, your post gives me hope!


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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I realize that this is very personal and painfull for you..but as you read here and study affair dynamics..I think you'll come to agree that it's all very formulaic as well.

Going to MC while in an affair is futile and pointless..you'd do better to spend the money at the local movie theater..at least then you'd be getting in some recreation together.

First things first...withdrawl. You will have to withdraw from OM..and the addiction of the A before you will be able to transfer the account back to the rightfull owner [your H]...until then..your heart pretty much invalidates and will not recognize any deposits he might try to make.

Second..if you have decided that in fact you are going to stick it out and remain married [for the children or whatever reason floats your boat] then begin to find ways to communicate effectively and build bridges and connections.

It took 16 years to get where you are today..it isn't going to undo itself magically.

I would suggest call Harleys for specific and strategic plans for recovery.

If OM does not know about the baby...personally I would not tell him.

A child produced inside of your marriage is legally your Hs...you are asking your H to raise the child...contact with the OP due to childcare issues is notorious for reactivating affairs and should be avoided IMO whenever possible. Lifelong NC is required price of admission to recovery...not a possibility if you intentionally make a permanent place in your life [and your Hs life] for OM.

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Becca,

This stuff is going to hurt like ******. There, I've said it. It is going to hurt, and it is going to hurt for a very long time.

Your marriage is very damaged. You both know this. It is time to stop pretending that everthing is fine and to fix want is broken. You two have kids . . . and now you have another from OM. This is messy and is going to be that way for a while.

Start communicating with your H . . . even if it is awkward and feels like a root-canal. Make a point of talking to him every day about issues of substance. Tell him what is going on in your life. Find out what he experienced that day. Share little details . . . this is want draws us close . . . this is what sustains a marriage.


What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. ~ John Ruskin
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Becka,

When my fws and I first attempted to recover our marriage, it was slow, awkward, painful, and the silences were filled with a cloud of heaviness.

I know in his mind, he was wondering if I ever would forget what happened. He assumed that I would use the affair like a club to beat him down with it, everytime we reached a bump in the road.

Its part of the slow journey to marriage recovery.

Luckily for my fws, I was overwhelmed with pain, and compassion for what he was going through.

He allowed me to cuddle with him every night.

I know it wasn't comfortable at first for him.

But by allowing me to hold him at night, we both found comfort in dealing with all the unsaid words and questions of the earlier day.

The great thing about cuddling is that there are no words needed.

Just loving arms.

I know you must feel grief and withdrawal, but I promise, it will lesson over time, and once your withdrawal is complete, the real healing will begin.

"Fake it til you make it"


Sincerely,
k.d.'s heartbreak


In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.

Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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McBecca, I've just posted The Affair World on Marshmallow's thread. It's very long but it may help.

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McB,

You said
Quote
I think H is waiting for me to take the initiative. He's kind and tells me he will not go down without a fight but he has done nothing in terms of our relationship right now. We did some MC last year when I told him about the A but that was for about 2 months and nothing since.

Let's see he is doing nothing right? First what will you LET him do? How about NOTHING? That is the answer right. Because if he does something, if he could prove to you that he is a man of love, integrity, and forgivness, THEN you would be faced with the reality that you have failed your family, your new child, your H, your marriage AND yourself for....NOTHING. Isn't that what you are afraid of?

Now here is the bad news. He is there because he loves you. He sees a baby in his house everyday and he knows it is NOT his and worse this child is the product of your complete betrayal of all YOU hold dear and yes him. Yet.... there your H is, working long hours, providing and saying really really dumb (sarcasam intended) like "he will not go down without a fight."

And yet YOU claim he is doing nothing. Do you now understand why people in your position are said to be in the "fog"? McB you need to stop and face the reality here.

I would encourage you to go to the archives and search for "facing choices". She was a woman a lot like you. She was the reason I registered here after reading here for 6 months. After you read her archived posts, look for her last post. You will be amazed. Also read the history of the lady posting to you on the pregnancy/child section...AD.

Unfortunatley, some of "facing choices" posts were lost in a big disk crash around 2000 or so, but you will get the idea.

Time for some soul searching young lady, and time to realize you have someone willing to help IF you will let him.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

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McBecca,

For some guidelines on withdrawal, please click the "Withdrawal guide" link in my signature line.

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McBecca Offline OP
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WOW JL thanks I read all her posts, and OMG what a story!!! it took me all monrning and lots of tears but I read all the posts that are still available. Why, such a story and happy ending. I am so amazed how things turned for her and I can't believe how similar our stories seem to be.

Thanks for pointing me in that direction. I am hoping tomorrow this week ends and I can put this week behind me. I am glad I haven't even attempted to C OM and reading her posts really made me think twice! I had an email almost similar to one of her "hate" emails to him that I wanted tosend but I won't. I will just leave it as it is.

thanks again to all...
Becca


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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