McBecca, hon you are working yourself up instead of redirecting your feelings toward your H you are still too focused on the OM. OM's feelings DO NOT COUNT. Ok? What sort of man sleeps with another man's wife? Is he honorable? No. Does your H deserve another chance to be the H you need him to be? Yes, he does. Why is the OC the only child that counts here? Breaking up your M so OC and you can be a family with the OM, what does that do for your other two DD's? What does that teach them about committment, marriage or how to be an honorable person? It is very common for the BS to "get it" when they find out their S is having an A. It is his wake up call and he is answering my dear. Fake it til you do fall back in love with him. I can almost guarentee you will. I did. I fell madly in love with my H about 6 months after my A ended.

What will your girls think? Oh puleeze you are not going to tell them some drivel about you being in love with the OM? NOOOOO, you are going to show them what a repentent sinner looks like and how wonderful their dad was to forgive you and what marriage really is FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE TIL DEATH do you part.

You need to forget about the OM and your worries about his pain. Sweetie, he brought this on himself! What is best for his daughter is to be raised and loved in a secure environment. Not break up the home of all three of your children because you worry about the OM's feelings!

STOP, McBecca please stop

Do you not realize that every single person in that church is a sinner? Yep, only Jesus was perfect. We are human. Reach out to a sister. Get an accountability partner. In our church every week they tell our visitors "hope you didn't come here expecting to find perfect people cuz we are not. We are all recovering sinners". Yep that is right. WE ALL ARE.

McBecca... I haven't had time to read all the posts on this thread, but about two years ago, I was where you are now. I was fogged out big time, missing the OM, missing the friendship (based on total fantasy btw) and conversations, the whole nine yards.

One day there was a thread about an OM showing his true colors, and a poster with the handle Thos wrote this. It was one of the little nuggets of wisdom that helped me realize that the OM was not the great guy I thought he was. It helped clear the fog a bit and turn me around:


This hit home with me, made me realize that OMs take advantage of WW's vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Yeah, we WSs made a poor choice, but the OP was right there encouraging it. Not exactly what I would call a saint.

Think up some distractions to divert your mind when OM tries to creep in. Plan some special together time with your H. Do the stuff you did when you were falling in love for the first time. Rediscover one another. Make it so that OM becomes irrelevent to your life. Time, IC, MC all help. Hang in there.

GBH,

Thank you for this post and your insight and experience.

McBecca...

I just read through all of your posts here, and thought I'd throw in my .02...

I am in tears because I see so clearly just how very much that your husband loves you...I am AWED by that, and I want you to be also...You see, I am a FWW, that is just blown away by the ability of a BS to love in the face of such horrific betrayal...I want to convey to you that you will NEVER find the kind of love that your husband so obviously has for you again...SERIOUSLY...I want you to think about that...NEVER...Your husband is PRICELESS...Don't throw that away...If you do, I PROMISE you that it will be the WORST decision that you will EVER make...EVER...


How is it that you can't see how INCREDIBLE that your husband is to want to stay married to you and love you and the OC...Do you understand what kind of person that he is for wanting to do that? How forgiving...how honorable...how tender...how selfless...how committed...how LOVING...I have a hard time wrapping my mind around just what an incredible person that a BS is when they choose to stay in the marriage after an affair...I've said this many times on this forum and I am now going to say it again, because I believe it with every fiber of my being...A BS who does this is the very definition of AMAZING GRACE...It is nothing short of a miracle IMHO...It is the closest that a human can come to loving as Christ does...It brings me to my knees...

As far as knowing if you can put OM out of your mind and heart is concerned goes, well that is actually pretty easy...You most certainly CAN, the real question is, WILL you?


HUH??? Are you kidding me??? The "pain" of the OM??? Um, I'm gonna be blunt here...BIG FAT SO WHAT!!! Any pain OM is in is of his OWN doing...HE SIGNED UP FOR HIS PAIN WITH HIS EYES WIDE OPEN...I don't feel one bit sorry for him, and you shouldn't either...OM IS NOT A VICTIM, HE IS A VOLUNTEER!!! He CHOSE to have an AFFAIR with a MARRIED WOMAN!!! And he CHOSE to have unprotected sex with her...McBecca, you need to redirect your sympathy towards your husband...A man who is in UNFATHOMABLE pain due to no fault of his own, but rather because of the selfish choices of you and OM...

And this "everyone is happy" bit...WHAT??? How's that??? You would be DESTROYING the lives of all three of your DD's, your husband AND your very own self!!! Can you please describe for me the "happiness" in how all of this would play out??? I'm being serious, give me a bit of a sketch in words as to what this "happiness" looks like in your mind...Give me the logistics of it...Where would you live? With OM and OC? How about your other two DD's? Paint me a picture of the lives of each of the "shiny, happy people" involved so that I can see how your mind is [not]working here...

Look, I know that my words may come across as harsh, but I truly believe that is what you need to hear right now, as you are considering making MORE poor life choices...I don't want to see that happen, and so I hope that you understand that what I am saying to you is said with care, concern and even understanding...Hey, I've laid in the WW gutter, so I do get that part of it...



First I will start by saying that I don't think that OM should be involved in the life of OC at all...She doesn't belong to him, as you are NOT his wife...The OC is a child of your marriage...She belongs to the family of the marriage...OM was merely a sperm donor...

Here's what I see...OM has the integrity of a maggot...OM is completely irrelevant...I'll bet you are having trouble believing that, or perhaps even understanding it...I remember not getting that at all when I first came here...Stick to NC, and it will sink in and make crystal clear sense to you sooner than you may think...

Look around you McBecca...Who is there loving and supporting you and OC right now? YOUR HUSBAND!!!! NOT OM!!! Look at who is willing to fight for you and not just "walk away"...Your husband is the one that matters...He is the one with honor and integrity and so much more...You and your daughters are so very blessed to have such a fine man in your lives...What an extraordinary husband and daddy...McBecca, I pray that you will see him as the hero that he is...I am humbled by your husband's choices in all of this, and it's time that you were too...

Blessings,

Mrs. W

If you love the OM more than your family, then go be with him. You will find that the 'love' isn't real but by then you will have lost the real love you had (your family).

You seem to scorn your H's efforts at providing for his family. Maybe it may be better for him to find someone to love him and the chidlren along with appreciating his efforts. Can he be a better H? Sure he could but you think you are farther along the road to recovery than he is? By having the A you have put yourself far behind him.

As long as you are a WS, what makes you think you deserve your family?

The memory your children will have of you is their mother loves other men more than their own family. R U proud of that?

I certainly hope u r better than the picture you have painted.

L.

I heard that adorable sweetie JL was looking for me...

McBecca: you're dealing with withdrawal right now. It's named this way because it resembles a chemical addiction. It's a chemical response in your body to the chemicals that you were cranking out during the affair (think adreneline junkie). It takes time to get through this, and all those feelings you're having are natural. No contact is imparative!

Can you see if you and your husband can get into phone counseling with the Harley's? 888-639-1639 for appts. It's more convenient if your husband has a hectic schedule (all he needs is an hour where he can close his office door, or gab on a cell phone in private). Your letter and his response was a good start, but he needs to have a plan to put these pieces in place---and believe it or not---now is a good (effective) time for him to be filling your lovebank. Strongly consider it. Steve Harley was a huge contributor to our marriage recovery---he was my coach, and a very good one.

With regard to baby and legal stuff---you and husband need to use the POJA and good negotiation skills to arrive at the same plan. I'm all for the current plan (cut the OM off, let him legally challenge if he wants, contact only though lawyer or husband). If you can both enthusiastically agree to another plan (let OM move next door, run him over with steamroller), you may have other options. We have not heard from the OM since the pregnancy (breakup of the affair), and our little boy isn't so little anymore (7). He's cute too---and I think he's kinda OK even though he doesn't have any of my dNA.

What everyone has mentioned about the potential unsuitability of the OM as a long term option is very true. Affairs are fantasies based on secrecy---they feed an biochemical cycle that is similar to cocaine addiction. They're not good, nor are they successful in the long run for establishing good, long term marriages. Your marriage definitely needs help---but running isn't a particularly good option at this point. I'd recommend that you stay and fight for your marriage.

HI Mcbecca.

I read your story this morning and it touched me.

Listen to wise people here; listen to the people that where in your chose before, see
You are not the only one.

What puzzles me is how can’t you see the OM’s true colors?

And yet how can’t you see how much your H loves you and cares for you?

I’m going thru the same thing with my WW; she lasted one week of NC,
Now she is back in her fog.

And to tell you the truth if there was an OC in my case it would have been over,
I could not do what your H is doing, for god’s sake he is taking an affair child and accepting her as his own child, all he is asking you is to let him.

Is it too much to ask?
Is it too much to ask to stop contact with OM?

Sometimes I don’t understand how WS think or maybe don’t think.

Affairs are selfish you know this is how they are justified.

Give your husband a chance to love you, give yourself the chance to love him back,

I thought I was a great H; I am humbled by your H’s choice to stay with you and raise.
Your OC like his own, your H is a saint, and you don’t appreciate him.

And you will not let yourself love him if you are still in withdrawal and still have feelings for OM.

Keep on trying you know you are doing the right thing just keep on moving forward,

just my 2c
Good luck.

Tony.

McBecca...You out there? How 'bout an update?

Mrs. W

Well... I have to say, I was not shocked when he actually said those words to me. We had had another "heart to heart" and the next morning he said to me "I can't take it anymore, if you are going to dwell on OM and HIS feelings over OC then I want no part in this and you are free to do what you want".

I let the entire day go by and didn't mention anything anymore. Later that night (Friday) he wanted to talk. We talked and he even had figured out child support payments!! yes, he even agreed with me moving back to the state where OM is!!! I thought he had lost his mind. But once he started talking I could see, he felt I was giving him no other option.

We have spent the last two days talking, touching each other (non-sexual way) and actually finally talking honestly about our M, the A, the OM and the OC. It is HARD my gosh, this is so hard.... but I feel GREAT how sick is that? I feel like I am finally "connecting" with BH!! he did get angry a few times and let a few horrible comments out of his mouth but you know what, I needed tohear that. He never called it an AFFAIR but now he is finally calling it that. He never talked about the "sex" part but now he is!! and as painful as it is, I actually feel good that we ARE talking!!

We have not made a final decision, he wants us to pray. Today at church we held hands and as always God sent us a very clear message throuhg the service as today's service was about living by the word of GOd and not just "BEliving" the word of GOd. The pastor even talked about the time when the adultress (sp?) woman was brougth to him and what he said to her and how he treated her.

BH has been telling me in God's eyes, it would be Ok for him to D now because of my A. It was something he wanted me to think about because he wants me to realize I am FREE to make a choice now. He will no longer push me to work on the M, he is leaving the door open and for me to decide which way to go.

Not sure how but these last two days KNOWING that I am "free" to choose, has led me to see that I don't want to go anywhere.... I don't want OM raising my children, he is a child himself yet in so many ways and I KNOW this in my heart (he is 10 yrs younger than me, but tends to act very immature if he doesn't get his way). I stopped making excuses why I "should" be with OM and finally accepting the fact that a life with OM will never be EVEN if I were to D. There is too much baggage in that relationship. I will always care about OM because of our child but I love my other children too much to allow our home to be broken by someone who may or MAY NOT be there later on. I know BH will be here for me and all I have to do is ask. All I have to do is allow him to be there for me.

The fog is gone. I can feel nothing but sadness for the mistakes I've made, remorse for the hurt I've caused, and joy to know Jesus already paid the price for my sins. All I need to do is exactly what he aske "SIN NO MORE".

I know this is a long road, but I no longer have doubts. I want my M, I want my children to grow in a loving home, I want to give BH everything I have taken by allowing OM in our lives. How will all this happen? I do not know but God will help me. I know he will.

Thanks everyone for your posts... I have read them over and over again. I will continue to read them. I need to remind myself EVERY day of all the hurt I've caused but I also need to praise God for all the blessings he continues to pour on me. Finding this website is certainly one of them.

Hoping to be a FWW someday soon, Becca

McB,

I am glad you have come to the realizations that you have. You have always been "free", you just did not know it. You have always had a say in things, and you did not know it.

But, now that you realize these things, it is your job to act on them. Please read the posts here to you again, and see if you can talk with K. He is a special guy and I think he can give you insight that most of us cannot.

The main reason I am asking you to reread everything again, is that you need to frame new questions, new plans, so ask away once you have fully digested what is here.

God Bless,

JL