I understand why you want to go to Plan B and agree it is time if you are that tormented.

I would tell her that your DD has heard her talkng to someone in the closet and ask her to please stop her sleazy affair while the children are around. Surely she can control herself for a few hours while her children are over.

Mel,

I will definitely need your help with this. I am almost done reading SAA, and I believe that I remember seeing a sample letter in it. I will double check.

Right now, I will not have any problems with following the plan. I'm sure that will change when I am in it though. She actually made it easier for me because she got the kids those preprogrammed cell phones that allow them to call only 4 numbers. She can talk with them that way, and not have to go through me. I have already spoken with the person who I want to be my intermediary, and she has agreed to do it.

Hope it works like everybody says it does. Hey, if it doesn't, at least I tried everything. More than she can say.

bgtg,
I have a few things to say to you... some of it will come across as tough love.... but I think it'll be good for you in the long-term... (I know I got my share of humble pie from my MB advisors!)


Good. Stick to this. You will be surprised at how a little gumption will go a long way!


bgtg, It really doesn't matter WHY SHE'S MAD AT YOU... it really could be anything for all her fogthink, fogspeak, and fogness... all that matters is how you react to it. You still are taking your wife's words far too seriously, when you need to be focusing on your words, your actions, and your plan. Learn from the day to day interactions, but don't be governed by them... Don't let your most recent interaction with your WW become your mood/attitude about your sitch.... You need to be the man with the plan. The one in charge of yourself.


Sounds like OM is getting insecure and is starting to LB your WW!!!!!!!!! Welcome to the real world Mrs. bgtg! You too Mr. STBXOM!


bgtg, your love bank account is really irrelevant to your sitch. Nobody (including yourself!) should be expecting her to be doing anything but withdrawals at this point... if you spend time thinking about your needs that aren't being met, you will become self-pitying and lose focus of what you are trying to do. Your WW is not here to meet your needs and WILL NOT meet your needs anytime soon. Stop keeping track of this, as it is counter-productive. Your anxiety and depression will start to run rampant if you continue to harp on your own unmet needs... remember PLAN A is about bettering yourself and trying to show WW that you have something to offer that she can't do better. You need to show her that she is "Affairing Down"......... IT ISN'T TO GET YOUR NEEDS MET, nor is it even remotely associated with your needs....


YUP. OM is not liking this whole kids come first thing... I'd bet that this sitch is exposing so many vulnerabilities to their relationship.......... play it close to the vest (meaning, don't shoot yourself in the foot), buy your time as much as possible... the A is not doing well. DON'T TRY TO TALK TO WW ABOUT THE AFFAIR, except to tell her that "WHEN SHE IS READY TO GIVE up OM and return to the marriage, you will be waiting with open arms and an open heart"


Only you know how much left you really have to give. You MIGHT wait a couple weeks so that your Lexapro can start to work... THAT MAY GIVE YOU A NEW PERSPECTIVE and you may deal with the uncertainty of your situation more easily... for me it was the four/five week mark when the Lexapro really took full effect for me... now I feel like I can live with my uncertainty for as long as necessary... I don't feel this way every day, but I do most days.

Remember Plan B is only as effective as your Plan A WAS (past tense)... You need to make sure that your Plan A is airtight and consistent.... before you end all contact. Others will have more to offer in this area, as it's way ahead of me.........

Good luck my friend,

Heartsore

Thanks HS.

I just read your post and said to myself that I have been thinking the exact same thing the last couple of days. You are right. I still need to Plan A. I have realized that I still have a lot of fight left in me (just a continuation of the ongoing emotional roller coaster).

I called my WW and told her that I was taking the kids to a movie (they are with me until this evening). I think that she is feeling kind of lonely in her apartment, or at least she almost comes across that way (with how much she calls the kids).

She is clearly still angry at me, but I just let it roll off of me.

I extended an invitation to her to join us for the movie, MY TREAT. She initially denied, saying that she has some things to do around her apartment. I told her ok, and said that the invitation was there if she was interested. She asked me what we were seeing and what time we were going. I told her taht I didn't know, but was going to check. She talked to the kids then hung up. I will check the times and call her back with a final invite. Would be nice if she accepted, but I won't hold my breath.

Honestly, I miss her very much! I am having to fight back some sadness on that front, but think I'll be able to do it.

Thanks again for you input and advice. You are doing incredibly well. I only hope that I can do 1/2 as well as you are. Sounds like your b-day party for you wife was a huge hit. I would love to be able to give my WW a deep tissue, full body massage! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Here is an interesting update for y'all.

I just dropped the kids off with WW at her apartment. She was looking at me and being polite (this was a huge surprise). At one point in the kids bedroom, she actually crawled around like a dog in heat sticking her butt up in the air! She caught me looking (oops!). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I asked her if she was getting used to apartment life. She replied by saying "I hate it". She looked incredibly sad. I can see the reality setting in on her.

Anyway, we were getting along just fine and conversing. I tried to put up a front that I am strong about everything and started talking about the payment of some of our bills (house payment, gas, and electric). I told her that I would deposit 1/2 of the house payment plus the total for the gas and electric into the joint checking account. She asked me if I would have enough. I told her that I had plenty.

She then looked at how much her rent payment was. I told her that I was not going to pay 1/2 of her rent. She got upset and told me that she was not going to pay 1/2 of the house payment. I told her that she was, and that I did not create this situation and make her leave. She said "ok". She then became an "ice queen" for lack of a better term.

She said that she would see me tomorrow when I picked the kids up. I don't think that she will go with us though, even though I told her that the invitation was still there. I am taking them to that movie that I had invited her to. I couldn't do it today because my son locked my keys in the trunk while the rest of the car was locked. Had to run from my brother's house (where my car was) to my house to get a separate keyless entry. KIDS, what can you do?

I IM'd my WW when she logged onto the internet. Just said good morning. She asked where I was. I told her that I was at my brother's house. She said that if I wasn't going to stay at the house she could move back in. I told her that I am staying at the house, and that she is more than welcome to move back into the house with me. She of course said that she wasn't going to do that, but was trying to save some money.

She thinks that I stay at my brother's all the time. I told her that I only visit on weekends, but that would be changing.

I also told her that I am going to be doing things around the house to make it feel less like a cave and more like a home. She asked me when I was putting it up for sale. Simply told her "I don't know". She doesn't want me to do anything around the house because she wants me to sell it. I am holding onto it as long as I can.

We also talked about the scheduling of our kids throughout this crazy week. She really is not able to think clearly. First off, she is trying to still accomodate her plans for next weekend when our children should come first. I told her that our children come first. She expects me to accept them staying with her for the entire week. We ultimately got the short term schedule worked out.

I can see that this is going to be a long horribly difficult A to break up. I wonder if I can stay married long enough.

Would sure be nice if she would pull her head out of the clouds (and somewhere else) and come back to reality. I really miss my wife. She knows I miss her, and that I love her, and miss our family being happy. Every time I tell her that, she immediately changes the topic. I don't tell her that I love her very often, just every once in a while to remind her.

I would really like to be in HS's position right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Update.

I am being served divorce papers in the next few minutes. I really do not like my selfish WW right now!

Her actions as of a couple of days ago told me that she is really not happy with her life, and is sad. My SIL saw her last night, and she seemed very sad (nearly crying) to her as well. I saw my WW today, and she is her usual cold self. Drives me nuts. I am starting to get angry with her.

Given that I am being served papers tonight (they were supposed to have been served on me a couple of days ago but her attorney and I could not meet), I am thinking that I need to move to Plan B. My plan is to deliver the letter to my WW during the first part of next week.

I will need some help from, those who are willing, in writing the letter. Please help me on this.

Honestly, I do not hold out much hope for my marriage. My wife is a married woman who has no problem acting like she is single. The more time that we spend apart, the worse it becomes.

PLEASE HELP!!!!

bgtg,
Sorry that you have been served (and not in a dinner kind of way)... BUT REMEMBER, this is just ONE STEP AMONG MANY. I'm not an expert on when to start Plan B, but I will say that getting served does not mean you have lost this battle... From this point, you can pretty much drag it out months... and the longer you drag it out the more frustrated the OM (Read: Skank) will become... I BELIEVE THAT YOU NEED TO STAY IN PLAN A. Don't LB over the D papers... stay focused.... stay positive.... send her head spinning by staying upbeat and chipper...

"bgtg, did you get the divorce papers?"

"Oh, yeah WW, I did... I got them yesterday... I haven't looked at them yet. I may find some time over the weekend to have a peak... hey I'm taking the kids for an ice cream would you like to join us?"

AND DON'T TALK ABOUT THE DIVORCE!!!!!!! That's the lawyers job;::::: if she says, "Let's talk about the Divorce..."

YOU SAY (each and every time): "Now that our Divorce has been put in lawyers hands, I'll let the lawyers talk about that stuff. With You (WW) I only want to talk about creating a GREAT MARRIAGE together."

Stay strong bgtg... THIS FIGHT ISN'T OVER UNTIL THE WAITING PERIOD AFTER THE DIVORCE PAPERS ARE COMPLETELY SIGNED............. and you and I both know that that won't happen (EVER, if you can drag it out long enough)...)

Mr. Wondering will weigh in shortly with some GREAT ADVICE... much better than mine.

Good luck bgtg....
I'm in your corner.

Heartsore22

bgtg, you aren't quite ready for Plan B, so just hang tight. Don't let those papers upset you, it is one step in this process and doesn't mean your marriage is over or that you don't have a chance. Lots of people are served, doens't mean they get divorced!

Just take the papers to the meanest junkyard dog attorney you can locate and let him do your bidding. Make sure he makes it very hard, ie: ask for the house, primary custody, alimony, child support, etc. MAKE IT VERY HARD. And draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag things out as much as you can.

Have your attorney specify in your counter offer that your W is in an ADULTEROUS AFFAIR and name the OM. HAVE YOUR ATTORNEY SPECIFY IN THE PAPERS THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE NEVER TO BE EXPOSED TO THE OM.

Let your attorney be the bad guy while you are Mr Sweetness and Light in your Plan A.

So, calm down and get to work, this is far from over.

In fact, the affair is starting to crumble as the reality of a divorce starts to set in. The OM will start to get scared of an implied OBLIGATION of this divorced woman and her children as your wife's EXPECTATIONS of him rise in direct proportion to the GREAT SACRIFICES she is making for this man. And she will soon see that he is not worth it. Nor will any human being be capable of living up to those high expectations. So, just hang on while the cookie starts to crumble.

Thank you Mel and HS.

First off; HS, I read your thread updates and it sounds like things are going better for you. I am VERY happy for you. Keep it up and your marriage will recover completely.

I told my WW tonight, when she dropped the kids off, that I was getting the papers. She signed them on the 20th under "irreconcilable differences". That's the catch all clause in our state. Funny, I'm the one who is hurt and I am willing to reconcile. She is the adulterous and she is the one filing under irreconcilable differences. Things that make you go HMMMM!

I am speaking with my attorney on Monday. He came very highly recommended. In speaking with him over the phone a couple of days ago, he made it very clear to me that there is no way for me to prevent the OM from seeing my children. This frustrated me. He also told me that legally my wife does not have to continue to pay for 1/2 of the house payment. I told him that I was not paying 1/2 of her rent.

The divorce paperwork included a restraining order which prevents us from affecting each other financially. It also said that she could not come into my place of residence without my consent. I am glad to hear that, because she has been coming and going at will (since this is technically her house).

Our state does not have alimony (at least as I understand it). The paperwork talked about payment of child support, and based that upon me making $52K/hr and my WW making $50K/month. I wish I made that kind of money. Hopefully this will allow us to delay things even further. That's a pretty substantial mistake.

My attorney said that he thought that he could delay things for 4-5 months. I would like the ability to take it out even further, but not sure that can happen. My WW's attorney attached a letter, written by him, at her request. The letter talked about how she wanted this "mutual divorce" to be as easy as possible and talked about possible mediation to arrive at a settlement. I didn't realize that this was "mutual". I have made it clear to her, repeatedly, that I don't want to be her friend, but want to be her husband. Wives shouldn't treat their dogs this way, let alone their husbands.

I'll try to still Plan A. It is going to be very difficult. I will fight back my anger/frustration. I will continue to invite her to the movies and dinner with us, but we all know what the answer will be.

My WW still lives under the delusion that this is between she and I, and that the children have nothing to do with it. I remind her that the kids have everything to do with it, because it seriously affects them.

Anyway, keep the tips and advice coming.

bgtg, just remember that your attorney works FOR YOU. Ask if he can counter sue on grounds of ADULTERY and ask him to put in the seperation agreement that the kids be protected from her affair. While he might not be able to LEGALLY prevent this, there is nothing stopping him from negotiating this for a specified period of time. Children are MOST OFTEN SEXUALKY MOLESTED by their parents boyfriends, so this must be taken into account. You already know you are dealing with a man of low character here, so do what you can. Just remember, the attorney WORKS FOR YOU.


Of course she wants a "mutual" divorce. She wants you to take your screwing peacefully so she get on with her affair and finish destroying her family. So, please be nice while she destroys you, ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would also ask for primary custody along with CHILD SUPPORT from her. Make her pay through the nose, bg!

Got it Mel. Time to get busy crushing my thoughts of despair and frustration. I will press the issue with my attorney. I figured out that I am definitely in the wrong line of work. This guy is EXPENSIVE!!!!!!! Don't know how I'll afford him.

edited out in case your wife is reading here

Good luck,

Mr. W

Thanks for the advice Mr.W. How do I address the issue regarding using the children as pawns. I really DO NOT want that to happen. I do not want them to be exposed to his/her adulterous ways. I also DO NOT want to punish her for her actions by using the children.

Also, any suggested articles that I can gather to support my reasoning for telling my son about her A? I did NOT do it because I was angry or hurt. I did it because he had been asking (many many times), and is really hurting.

Thanks again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx edited out


I forget...have you emailed me before??? If not, please do.

Mr. Wondering

I have not e-mailed you before or read the Starfish thread. Can you post your address for me so I can do that?

It's in my signature lines

The Starfish thread I forget the name of but her and many others had a good discussion about it.

Mr. W

I found the Starfish thread which debates the exposure to children question pretty well.

Here it is CLICK HERE

Mr. W

p.s.- I am leaving my office and won't respond to any email you send until tomorrow...I will check one last time so if you read this...just email me immediately.

Why do you need to support your decision to do this?? You are his father! This is something that Dr. Harley recommends often and it most certainly is the right thing to do. So, I am confused about why you need to justify this?

Here is an article from Dr. Harley and an email he sent another member:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=&PHPSESSID

MrW, I think the issue is not that he needs to tell his children, but that he feels compelled to justify telling his son about the affair. He has ALREADY told his son about the affair. Who is questioning your decision, bg? Let me guess, YOUR WIFE? The one who has the most to hide? I suppose she expected you to LIE to your children to cover up her sleazy affair?