Thankyou so much for all your kind words. They mean alot to me.

Oh, I see. I hadn't thought of this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He's known that something was wrong w/ me for a while now. I've been depressed b/c of all the turmoil going on inside of me. I hope he'll see the new changes I've made as proof that I WANT to save my marriage.

I hope he does, too

how much longer before he comes home tonight?

Just pulled in the drive way....

praying for you now

go for it . praying now.

That does not sound honest. If you told me that, I would never know you had had an affair. Don't use weasel words, MM, tell him the full, unvarnished TRUTH. Don't insult him further with half the truth.

Ok, here's how it went.

The kids played the new Nancy Drew game while H and I went outside and sat on the tailgate of his truck and talked.

I made several attempts to tell him before I finally got it out.

Me: I got involved emotionally w/ OM. But, I've cut off all contact w/ him.

H: WHAT????

Me: *gulp*

H: "OM"?!!!!

Me: Yes, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done it.

From here, my H asked me many questions. One's I wasn't expecting. It ended ok. When he kissed me good bye this morning, he had some more questions. My H has a slow burn. He's ok, now, but he might not be later after he has a while to think this over.

He didn't really want to hear about improving our marriage last night. Is that normal?

Melody Lane: I didn't think I had to tell him everything, just the basics...I figured he'd ask plenty of questions for what he wanted to know. And that's what he did.

NC & Moveforward: Thanks for your prayers. Please keep them coming.

I'm glad you told him.

Along with what Mel said, did you tell him it was an affair or just an emotional attachment?

Facing that for both of you is very important- you need to admit and he needs to realize what it was. I'm sorry I missed that post yesterday where you said what you were going to tell him (I was working and posting to you) I would have told you what Mel did - that you have to tell him what it was.

I would suggest you going today to purchase Surviving an Affair. You need to read it together.

You can get through this.

Answer every question truthfully when he asks-do not sugar coat- do not leave anything out - do not hedge- do not hesitate.

Send him here if he wants to talk to others who are or have been where he is.

No, I didn't call it an affair.

He got the whole picture though, by his questions.

It was VERY hard to be honest. I did hedge a little bit a couple of times.

I believe it is imperitive that tonight when you talk again- you say something along the lines of "while we are recovering from my emotional affair, I want to be completely honest with you. Last night you asked . . . when I replied . . . I left out . . . It was wrong of me to do it."

you must must must be honest with him

Hey MM, I am leaving for the day - I should be able to check in late tonight- we are moving my ds to college today and tomorrow.

Leave me some updates

hang in there and be honest

right there ... in that moment ... you gave yourself permission to plant a poisonous seed in your marriage

over time ... a hundred little moments like this ... undermine the integrity of the relationship

and it weakens ... and perhaps after enough time .... it collapses

[color:"blue"] God is in the details [/color]

fix the little lapse

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Where in all this did you tell him you had an AFFAIR, MM? As far as he knows you were getting too close to the OM and getting nervous. That would be a DISHONEST impression.

This will not work, MM. Only complete HONESTY will suffice. He must be told the ENTIRE TRUTH, that you had an affair. NO WEASEL WORDS.

Ok, I reaad this thread.....u have told him. When he is able to process it and realize what you really told him he may go through stages (see the link in my sig line).

Having an EA is worse but most fear the PA. Given that train of thought, here's my suggestion of u need t/d immediately is the following:

1. Read Surviving an Affair & His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. Harley.

2. Read the basic concepts above and both take the EN questionnaire. If he isn't up to it, you take it twice. 1st and yourself an 2nd as him.

It is vital you both realize the EA is wrong and began due to someone taking their needs outside of the M. You will both have to ask yourselves why that happened and was allowed by both of you.

Expect him to shut down in his emotions and even talk separation and D. Expect it though he may not do it. He probably will consider it. Whether he tells you or not depends on his personal character.

Let him know you don't have all the answers as to recovery by you will be honest with him on why you made those bad choices. You MUST BE sincere.

Let him read here. He may even read what you posted and react by withdrawing from you. You deserve that so expect it. Allow him his grieving time and space but on the fringes let him know when he is ready you will be there to answer questions and want badly to recover the M with him.

He may not appreciate what u r going through since u gave him a head start. Let him come here and that is where we can help him.

If he asks to separate, let him. Just keep doing what we call Plan A with your self improvements and show him life with you c/b beautiful.

You will both have a lesson in forgiveness to learn.

Start now.

All the best,
L.

ps: Let him know that in addition to his anger and hurt, the BS' here have given you an earful of serious things to consider and may be, just maybe it can help him also. Tell him we are tough on you and w/b here to lend him support as well. Let him know we do not support any A but help each other deal with it.

Ok. Gotta go....it is 5am here and quite dark. Gotta get some shut eye. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Dear MM,

I'm also glad you gathered the courage to follow through on your words.
Not really telling the whole truth "to not make it worse" is a trap where most WS's fall into.
My WH told me he only went to prostitutes once.
I had to find out it was closer to 12 times.
He "only" had sex with OW 3 times.
It was a lot more like that.
He didn't go to a sex club with her.
He did.
It kept going on and on up to a point where I couldn't believe anything he said anymore.
I had to confront him with evidence - then he'd confess.
Don't fall into that trap.

It's like removing a bandage from an infested wound and not following through because "the patient was in so much pain". You need to clean the wound completely. Especially since you are the one who caused it. I'm not talking "guilt" here: I'm talking the best thing to do for you and him to get this out of your systems PERMANENTLY.

Don't cushion things.
Tell the truth.
He'll feel bad: but he'll feel worse if he starts catching you telling lies/ommitting things.
Then he will not even believe you anymore when you DO tell the truth.
The parts of the bandage and the infection you leave behind will start infecting under his skin.

Marshmallow..

It may help to think of it in terms of "training".

Think about where you want to go.

By not giving a fully truthfull answer..or giving the truth in bits and pieces..what you are actually accomplishing is to "train" your husband not to trust your word.

This is not likely the turnaround that you would wish to make..and I think it would be one that you regret at leisure...it is very hard to earn BACK trust that has been broken.

So my advice would be to be truthfull and not shirk or cringe so that you are able to BE an honest and trustworthy person...when a BS is able to see that demonstrated...even if the news is painfull..it is a shorter road for you both to marital restoration.

Marshmallow, you did the right thing.

I know how hard it is not to twist the knife but you must be completely honest now. I feel such shame that I didn't come clean immediately with my H after my recent contact. It made it 10 times worse and it severely damaged his trust in me. It's taken quite some time to overcome.

Your H will have the reactions that the other posters have mentioned above and I know you are listening to them.

As everyone here has said the "emotional" part of an EA is just as hard for your H to face as a PA. Possibly harder, as someone has pointed out. You know how hard it is to put it behind you - that it is a real emotional investment in someone else - so I can only reiterate that you don't fudge the details.

I don't think you can get a better summary of how a BS feels than in Plank's The Affair World. Read it again and perhaps you could let your H read it when he's ready. Your H will be very much doubting that it wasn't a PA so if there was any physical contact whatsoever you MUST tell him about it.

You were very brave doing the right thing. It will be hard from here on in but you will never regret your honesty even when things get tough and painfu, and they will.

Dont worry about your H being a slow burner.....Your marriage was worht the sacrifice of you going to him and EXPOSING this. the level of exposure will determine how much a genuine marriage you want.

Dont try to rush and make up to him. Remember you are both in this thing TOGETHER.

Now you need God more than ever to help you both get through this.

Grace is a powerful thing. it allows you to forgive yourself and as well forgive others. Only god can show you true grace.

Spend quality time talking and more importantly listening. He may feel betrayed(He was) thats normal. You need to reassure him. guide him and help him guide you. Love to you both.

Pray for me too. Dont want my wife to leave me. I truly love her. She is stuck on her abusive past and easily remember the wrongs done to her.

Let him vent if he wants to. Dont be afraid. Just pray during the venting session if it ever gets there. At least he is trying to connect.

Go with God.

MM- I know how you are feeling. I am a FWW who had an EA. It IS an A. You betrayed your BH. These are hard things to think about yourself, I know.

I am desperately trying to save my marriage- we're about 5 months out- and it's going......well, it's going. It's hard and I'm having to remember to NOT JUSTIFY when my BH hurls names at me or we get into an argument and he flings the EA card at me. It's all about HIM now. The EA was all about you. Soooooo...IMHO, I think you should NOT talk about making the marriage better, you should just DO IT. YOU- not him. If your EN's aren't being met right now, suck it up and drive on. Right now that is the least of your worries. Of course, eventually that will have to be addressed, but not now. YOu have just devistated your husband. You come second now, and you will for awhile.

Yes, remember I'm in the same situation as you. I too have thought, "well, my EN's weren't being met, which is why I had this EA, so if they're not being met STILL, I'm in the same place I was!!" Yep, get over it. You are in the same situation with one HUGE difference. You betrayed your husband in one of the most hurtful ways possible. And don't kid yourself that a PA would be worse. It wouldn't. So work towards a wonderful marriage knowing that your BH isn't going to be thrilled with the concept. He'll probably not be thrilled with the concept of being married to you at all, even if he doesnt' leave. So ALL THE WORK IS DONE BY YOU. All of it. For awhile. A LONG while.

Please be prepared. If you really love your BH, and it sounds like you do, this will be completely and totally worth it, even though it's hard. YOu did this to yourself.