Does he have any indication from you that you would - OR COULD - meet his needs in the future? Can you meet his needs? What is your disability?

Can you start a diet and exercise program?

This is what I need help with now. Showing him I WANT to, and am able to meet his needs. How do I do that when we are separated and he's in a relationship with OW?

I can meet some of his recreational needs. I can walk and do easy hikes. I can learn to play golf. I can bike ride. I can't hike up mountains and I can't ski. I have a fused ankle that is like walking with a cement block instead of a moveable foot. Apparently OW loves to camp and hike up mountains, and they skied together all last winter. I can't compete with those two things.

Yes, I've been watching what I eat and have increased my exercise activity. I'm doing it for ME, for my health. I know it will benefit us both, but I'm doing this for me.

I sort of feel now like I'm the "OW" and have to pursue him. I know he responded to it before with her, so why not with me?

But will you do it FOR HIM? Appearance is often a very important emotional need that is directly connected to sexual function. Men are visually stimulated, whereas we are emotionally stimulated. I am concerned that you are adamant that this is "for you," though. What about him?

It will be hard to meet his needs while he is getting them met elsewhere, but it is not impossible. If you work hard on being as attractive as possible FOR HIM when you are around him, you might be able to attract him back.

Can you do weightlifting? What about low impact aerobics? I have a screwed together ankle and I am able to do lots of exercise. Can you? How much overweight are you?

short answer is, yes, I will do it for him

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> good answer!

Wanna be my workout and diet buddy?

sounds great!

ok, what did you think about my suggestion for weightlifting? Can you do it? When my H left me, I THREW myself into home workout tapes and it was a GREAT RELEASE of the tension. I got into the habit of working out and have kept in shape ever since.

Can you do low impact cardio? What about an elliptical?

What diets have you tried?

Hi
A stationary bike could also help you burn off lots of extra weight and be perfectly OK with a fused ankle. They are also rather inexpensive and can be easily found 2nd hand. Just a thought.

Shift work? Your husband was alone in the evening or the night? Can you change that?

Good luck. It can be done.

DLK21

Yes I can try weight lifting. I believe we have a small set of free weights downstairs somewhere. Like 3,5,10lb??

I have a fused ankle; took three surgeries to get it right. The joint below, is now deteriorating. It's like walking with a cement block instead of a flexible foot. I'm supposed to avoid high impact activities. Walking is the worst, how ironic! I'm a nurse, and walk a lot during my shifts. But that is a choice I made; I couldn't stand to be not in my chosen profession.

Maybe I will look online for some stretch'n'strength DVD's..or Pilates? I have quite a few Yoga DVD's that dh and I were going to start doing, to help us relax and such.

I do have a recumbent bike in the bedroom; just moved it so I have to walk by it to get anywhere else in the room, and it's pointed in front of the tv. I just need to wait for the weather to cool down. I know once I start going on it regularly, the weight will start to come off.

Re the shift work, no there is nothing that can be done about that. After my ankle surgeries, I fought for and won, a position of nights, to make it easier on my ankle. The pace is different compared to dayshift. The change to the rotation is permanent.

thank you for your posts!

I too was the one who had to witness my husband having an affair. The affair won't last, which I was told but didn't believe. The OW in my situation, finally told my husband that she is done and that she doesn't want him to call her anymore. I found on the cell phone bills that he did try to call her and that he said he was calling to see how she was doing. She didn't answer the phone...and he was devastated. He went through deep emotional depression. He gained tremendous amount of weight, was eating dinners at the computer while he was expressing himself on the computer. The affair in his situation was bad from the start. We all told him that this woman was not right in the mind. For this was her second emotinal/physical affair in her marriage. Her husband of course divorced her. She told my husband goodbye, for she used my H, like she used the other man. This is what an affair is about, using each other. My H and I tried to reconcile, here on Marriage Builders but it ended up in divorce. My husband at the time was DONE, he ate himself to an alltime high of close to 300#'s. He criticized many people, all of this I realize was he was looking for a way out of his depression.

You need to move forward with yourself and do things that make you happy. I would like to make a great suggestion, do something wonderful with your hair. Get it highlighted, lowlighted, shaped and enjoy the new you. I was told to do this and I was afraid. I have now done this and am so happy with the results. Start an exercise program or join a gym. I did get in terrific shape, and was walking 3-5 miles a day, talking to God and letting the endorphins get stimulated in my body. I did start back to school after the divorce was final, and I love it. I am now just 3 classes away from my associate degree. Take a class, what your husband needs to see is that you are moving forward and taking CARE OF YOURSELF. He needs to know that you are not needy and codependent on him.

Yes, the affair needed to be exposed to everyone. For everyone needs to know the extent of the pain you are suffering and the extent of your H's loyalty. Maybe your H will get counseling in time....which would be advised.

Just keep working on yourself and making yourself better and better everyday. Loving yourself is the first most important thing that your husband needs to see. That you love yourself and enjoy life.

Good luck....keep writing here...for many of us have been through what you are going through. It hurts like heck, and the pain will never go away completely. You can have a happy life as long as you set it on a shelf in the back. Blessings.

Here is a really good starter tape to weight lifting: http://www.collagevideo.com/cart/ShowVideo.aspx?Cart=JQH34IY&Item=3820

This is an older tape by the Firm, but it is an excellent introduction to weight lifting. You will have to march in place during the plyometrics, though, and may not be able to do the tallbox work. The Firms are very enjoyable workouts, even though they are tough, and have been able to keep me interested in working out for 7 years now.

Thank you both.

I'm getting all "pumped" about starting a real exercise program. Twice this week I walked outside "in nature" and I was reminded how great it is to be outdoors and enjoy that beauty.

Have been going up and down a flight of stairs all morning, housecleaning and "clean sweeping" the basement. That activity has to count for something as I sure can feel it in my legs right now.

will check the boards tonight,

bsa, you will love what weightlifting can do for you. It burns even more fat than cardio and will change the shape of your body. So, please check out that tape I told you about! When you get it, we can plan workout rotations together to keep each other accountable. What do you think?

Any diet preferences?

the recumbant is one one of the best forms of cardio. Why do you need to wait>

I am going to look for that DVD next week, Memory, when I'm in the city. Thank you for the suggestion.

Moveforeward, it's just too hot in my home right now to be doing biking inside. Past few weeks we've had temps up to 36 degrees C and I have no air conditioning. I can feel the fall air at night, so know it's cooling fast.

I'm not a morning person, but I think that one of my biggest challenges will be getting up early to exercise, so it's out of the way for the day.

cheers!