Remember, WH told you that OW's BF already knew. So if he already KNEW what was the HARM in you telling him???

Obviously you have injected a big huge reality check for WH and OW. And busted THEM on their lying.

Just remember who's done right and who's done wrong here....

You have done nothing wrong.

When he is exploding in anger at you, just remember that you did NOTHING wrong. The truth is the truth, and everyone deserves to know it. If he is ashamed or hiding it -- MAYBE HE SHOULDN'T BE DOING IT!!!!!

What will happen now, is OW will be less available to your WH. She has a sh**storm to handle at home. And custody of her child is at stake. Your husband is going to start looking less attractive to her.

OW and your husband are going to start blaming each other. OW is going to be furious at you. WH is going to have to defend you, plus wonder why she's so upset -- she planned to leave anyway right???? (a lot of the time, these OW are just stringing men along and never actually leave home!)

They are going to be dealing with LOTS of negativity between them. Affairs are no fun when everyone around them knows the ugly truth.

Hang in there Stph!!!

About his anger.

Think of it this way, he HATES himself. He is very likely in depression manifesting as anger.

What are his basic core values? And is he acting against them? If so, then he is in TOTAL CONFLICT with himself. What an awful way to live!

Instead of turning all of this ugliness at himself, he is projecting it everywhere else. He is blaming everyone else for his unhappiness (in reality he owns it.)

Eventually he'll face all of this.

But not until the affair is over. Think also of this Stph, by exposing you are helping him face himself and get through this process. Its an act of kindness (which he won't see that way for a long time yet...)

Now get back to your Plan A actions. Be happy, positive, confident, attractive. Be the gal he fell in love with. Meet any needs you can! Fix what needs fixing.

Be strong!!!

Thank you Lexxxy. Logically, I know what you're saying is the truth, but when in the situation, it's hard to understand.

He's been gone for 5 days and I'm OK without him! I never thought I would ever get to that point, but I'm here and it feels good. At least it'll make me Plan A better.

I really don't think he's going to defend me to OW when she's yelling at him about what I did. He's going to console her and try to make her feel better. He doesn't defend anyone for anything hardly. He let his mom call me a b**** while we were dating and didn't defend me (why did I marry him in the first place after that?).

I'm at the point now, where I don't know what I want anymore. I may be doing all of this for nothing. But I don't know yet.

Is there a typical time frame for A's to end after it's been exposed to everyone? How long do I need to wait? And how long after it's over do I need to wait for him to figure out what he wants?

anyone know what I should be doing now??

Go home and execute Plan A just like we told you.

And paint your toenails! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

well

actually

he's going to be worried that OW has been lying to him

she told him things that now do not add up ....



That is an excellent question!
I would not marry a man who's mother called me names.

You are 50% at fault for this weakness in the marriage . It was your weakness & your fear that got you where you are ... so stop being weak & afraid ... or you will spend the rest of this marriage with MIL's footprints all over your backside!


being honest ... I don't know if your H (or you for that matter) have the skills to have a mature marriage ... YOU can acquire those tools, but it will mean resigning your chronic conflict-avoiding position in the marriage ... IF your WH requires a conflict-avoider as a spouse ... he's picked out a good one ~~~> OW !!!!

YOU have stepped out of your comfort zone & have confronted a problem HEAD-ON .... you did not like it, but you did it. YOU might be too much of a WOMAN for WH in the future !!!

WH might desire a conflict-avoider (another word for dishonest) as a partner .... one that his mom can dominate !

ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Pep

Now that he's gone, Plan A is not so hard. He's not going to see it though. And I know I can't worry about that right now, but I do.

Pep...what would OW have told WH that doesn't add up? All he told me was that the BF knew and he did know, just not for fact and not anything that I told him. But he did know something was going on.

I don't think I was weak and afraid in my marriage. I stood up to him too often and that's what supposedly made him unhappy. And if he didn't like that, then he's really not going to like the "new and improved" me!

I don't know if WH has the ability to be in a mature relationship either. I do, and I was the mature one...for all the arguments we had, I definitely did not avoid conflict. It's him that doesn't like confrontation and never wanted to argue with me. It was me that provoked him. We knew how to get each other mad and we used that.

I'm just waiting for the phone call from WH...

I just talked to WH and while he doesn't understand the concept of me telling everybody what he's done, he's not mad about me telling BF at all. He found out at 1:30am Saturday when he called OW and BF answered the phone.

BF also fabricated what I told him and that I don't appreciate, but I think WH believes me when I tell him that I didn't say those things. All I told him was the truth, or what WH has told me.

He hasn't quit seeing OW yet, but he may be coming out of his fog, if that's possible. He's still talking divorce, but he's also talking about what would happen if we stayed together.

He's finally realizing that he's confused.

He has missed me this week, I think.

What now???

We told ya and told ya! Plan A!

I know that!!! And I'm doing it...it just feels like I need to be doing more, that Plan A is not enough.

Now for my other "dilemma".

WH came over tonight. We were on the phone for about 2 hours, talking about everything and we started talking about sex and the next thing I knew, he was here.

We had sex and it was like never before. It literally felt like the very first time, for both of us.

I expected him to leave right away, but he asked me if I wanted to order pizza. I asked him if he was going to stay and he said "yeah, we'll have family night". So he stayed for a while. But all we did was watch TV, just like any other night. So, now obviously, I'm confused, AGAIN!!! I thought we would act a little differently towards each other, or talk some, but I took his lead all night and he didn't do or say anything.

Neither one of us want him back home yet and I know I won't for a while, but how do I treat this? I don't think it was "just sex", it was too emotional for both of us, but I don't want to push him, or be pushed for that matter. I just don't know what any of it means.

All you need to be doing is PLAN A, Steph. There is no magic formula here! He is acting just like a typical WS, up one day and down the next.

Why don't you want him to move home?? I thought the goal here was to save your marriage?

I'm still in Plan A, believe that, but I guess I want it to work faster than it is and I want to be sure I'm doing it right.

At least he's not angry anymore and maybe now he is thinking about staying with me. But it can't be normal for him to not be angry about me calling the BF. He again thinks its funny and doesn't understand my need to tell everyone. I don't know how to explain it to him. I finally told him today about this site and forum. I was hiding it from him when he was still here, because I thought he would be mad that I was still trying to save us, even though he kept telling me he wanted out.

I'm not ready for him to come home yet. I'm enjoying my freedom right now and I think it's making me Plan A better and I think he needs more time away from here to miss me and what we had and think about how it could be better.

But I also want to call him right now and ask him what he's thinking and figure out what's going on. It's going to kill me if he tells me he's still "with" OW the next time I talk to him. And I don't know when that will be b/c he asked me tonight about getting money from him on Friday for bills.

What else can I do to end this A NOW?

bump up

Your marriage has a much better chance of surviving if he MOVES HOME.If he is gone, he just gets used to being without you and is much more likely to divorce you. He won't miss you, he will be happy to be rid of you becuase he was ALREADY DETACHED. When a person has an affair they are already DETACHED from their spouse so it is unlikely he will miss you.

I would NOT show him this forum unless you want to give this up as a resource. We can't very well help you bust up this affair and keep it busted up if he is reading here.

There is nothing more you can do to break up the affair, except get him to move home and do the best Plan A you can.

I'm not going to be able to get him to move home...and he's been gone for a week and yesterday already, he missed me.

I don't have any plans to show him this forum.

And I have another question. Within everything he said (and did) to me yesterday, one of the things he said when asking why I told BF was that it's not going to change his feelings. Is that more WS babble?

I told him I wasn't trying to change his feelings, but BF deserved to know what has happened (the A) and what is going to happen (her moving out at the end of the month).

Steph, I am not suggesting that you try and force him home, only that you leave the door for that. The chances of your marriage recovering are much greater if he is THERE. Seperation harms your chances and the longer he is gone, the more DETACHED he will become and the easier it will be to divorce you. This is why seperations are very risky, especially when you have barely started Plan A.

Your WS doesn't have the slightest idea what his feelings are from moment to moment so I wouldn't pay much attention what he says. He more likely "feels" like he hopes you don't interfere in his affair anymore!

I just feel like, right now, if he were to want to come home, I don't know if I want him to. I want him to wait and "date" me to be sure this is what we both really want. I'm not ready for him to come home yet, even though I want to save my marriage. I just want us to start over, in a new marriage. He cheated on me in the old one! I don't want to go back to that.

Now I'm confused, because we had such a great connection yesterday/last night and now I don't know what it means. Everything felt brand new, like it was all for the first time, and it felt that way for both of us. But he hasn't called me, or come by the house, and I don't know what he's thought about all day.

Steph, hopefully you will put your feelings aside then, because they are misleading you if they are telling you to play a dating game with him. You are married now, not boyfriend, girlfriend. If he were to want to come home it would not be helpful for you to prevent him from doing so because you want to play games. While you don't want the old marriage, it won't help anything to pretend like you arent married; he is already doing that and you can see the result!

The typical WS will be up and down and back and forth so just expect him to be completely detached and angry one day, and the opposite the next.

I just don't know what to do...I know we're married, and I want to act that way, but I want to start over in a way and make it better than it was.

So, I basically have to deal with his mood swings until when?...he decides his A is over? How long can that take?

I'm a rather impatient person!