I am a new member and have some conflicks within me about using an outside source in this matter but I literally have no where else to turn. I need someone who does not know me or my husband to make heads or tails of my feelings.

As a child I was sexually abused by several men in my family. By the Grace of God I have made it emotionally and I am well into my 20's. However this histor has had so effect on my marriage. Now after 2 children I felt more "normal" than ever with the sex life between me and my husband...until 2 days ago. He dropped a bomb that has just killed me and is eating me from the inside out. He told me that he does not find me attractive any more. He does not want a divorce or to separate but wants me to stay consistant on a workout routine to stay "healthy". We have continued conversation since the bomb and discovered that he is having a midlife crisis (in my opinion) and is taking the loss of his youth out on me.

I don't want him to see me or touch me and that has just sent him over the edge. Does it make sense that I am hurt so bad? Or am I taking this too hard?

Please help!

Some questions:

If I suggested that one of your H's top emotional needs is "Physical Attraction", do you think I'd be far off?

If I asked you what has changed about you since you M'd your H, what would be your response? How do you think your H would respond?

How old is your H? You mentioned that you think he's having a midlife crisis. Is he around the same age as you?

LOSE SOME WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I just make a suggestion to you pieta? Keep in mind that there is a person on the other end of this conversation. I guess I am missing the point of this website if consructive conversation is not happening. For your information I am very physically active and my son is now 10 months old and I am almost to the size I was in high school. So...thanks but no thanks for your educated relpy!

THINK BEFORE YOU TYPE!!!!!!!!!

I hear the hurt, Captivating...and I see where when you feel pain, you give yourself permission to retaliate...ManInMotion asked you some important questions.

I'm not judging you...only telling you what I see as your permissions to react rather than choose to act...this board, where you've come with your honesty, isn't going to be a soft place to fall always. There will be posters who assume...and if you decide to not assume (like the MLC for your H), then you will state what you feel, call disrespect when you see it, calmly and respectfully.

That's been my journey.

And you made an assumption, too...in your marriage. That if your H doesn't find you attractive, then you aren't. And you are.

Validate his perception as his...what doesn't he find attractive about you? And is he having an affair? Not physically, but maybe emotionally? Does he regularly fantasize about women?

You may be experiencing cumulative pain from your SA history in the present...you may feel deep rejection, even annihilation, if you believe you are causing your H to not be attracted to you.

Answer MIM and know this permission you give yourself to try to hurt back hurts you...because if you believe you've done something you believe you shouldn't have, you will punish yourself...and from what I see, I believe you will rip yourself harshly.

Please don't. You are a marvelously created, whole and complete human being. Do not tear at the self which remains innocent. Nor others...what you do to yourself, you will do to others...and vice versa.

Please keep posting. Others have experienced what you have...you are not alone.

LA

God Bless you LovingAnyway!

Wow, I truely apperciate your wisdom and encouragement. It's funny how different things cause us to respond positively or negative and even sometimes just to act. After posting yesturday I decided to do the very thing you recommended. (Finding out what he does see actractive in me) I found that it was not ME but my presentation.

I talked to my H and he reassued me that when I am heading out the door to work that I am very attractive but when he comes home from work and I am in pajama's and hairs a mess, that is not attractive to him. He did admitt to saying this in an unthoughtful way.

MIM I would answer the same way my H would when it comes to "what has changed about me since we M'd?" - while I do excersie and stay healthy I have become a bit sloppy in my appearance while at home. It's an easy thing to do when you have a 2yr-old and a 10 month old.

MIM me and my husband are both 25. He was medically discharged from the military about a year ago - against his will and has a hard time dealing with that. Now a year later his company is down sizing and he is lossing his job/identity again.

I truely appreciate you two!