Artor, what I am going to say in answer to your questions is
my opinion and you are free to disagree with any or all of it.
One big issue is trust (duh!). She resents my "snooping" and "spying". Marriage counselor says I need to let go of the snooping -- checking her email, voice mail, cell phone records, etc. He says "we'll give you tools to rebuild trust instead of these methods that are building resentment in your wife."
Riiiigggghhhhtt. What specific "tools." Can he list them for you? How about "tools" your wife can use
instead of methods (like repeated Adultery) that are building resentment in her husband?
What seems to be lacking is a "moral code" or "standard of behavior" that should be applicable to BOTH of you that is outside of "personal 'pick and choose' for myself what I think I want is 'standard' enough." I can't tell from what you've written if you and your wife are belivers in Jesus Christ, but if not, the WHAT Standards, aside from individual choice or 'relative morals' ARE applicable to your MARRIAGE, not your "single person" STATE?
With respect to "snooping," your counselor is flat wrong.
Let's take it outside of your wife's infidelity for a second and think of it from the standpoint of two analogies to illustrate the "idiocy" of his lack of understanding, and thus his "recommendations."
Let's assume you had a child molestor who thought their behavior was "okay" for themselves and had molested your child three times. Would it make any sense, if the molester had "repented" and agreed to not molest anymore, to simply "trust blindly" that they are "as good as their word?" Or would it make sense to check the veracity of the words by checking the actions of that person that might lend "proof" that there was a REAL change and not just a "change of convenience" until the "heat is off?"
How about any "criminal" released from jail ahead of their full sentence (or similar scenarios) where a period of "probation" is a PART of the process. Why should there be NO probation and "checking up" because it might lead to some (well deserved imho) "resentment" on the part of the person who COMMITTED THE CRIME and leave the "innocent" open to further problems because a VITAL STEP in the rehabilitation process was "scuttled" because some judge ignored "standard procedure" and tried to make the "innocent" feel guilty for even asking for "truth in fact, not just in words?"
I recognize my wife resents me checking up on her. I don't want to build a wall of resentment between us, but I also don't want to be hit by another truck (affair). The "snooping" gives me some (false?) security for now.
Am I off-base in my concern about the counselor trying to get met to stop "checking up"? I know it can become addictive and compulsive. I'm taking steps to limit my "checking up", but it's all I have right now.
NO,you don't give it up? Not until YOU decide it's no longer necessary because your wife has EARNED back your trust.
Artor, BLIND TRUST is dead and buried, at least at this point in your marriage. IF you ever get back to that sort of trust, it will not be until years and years down the road. Your wife is PROVEN untrustworthy and it is UP TO HER to change that fact and to PROVE that she is a "changed person" who is trustworthy NOW. That is a "judgment" that is NOT bestowed, it is EARNED.
Does anyone get a College degree simply by saying to the College, "trust me," I don't need any "tests" to prove I have EARNED the degree? I can think of a few Comparative Anatomy courses and Quantitative Analysis Chemistry course (to name just a FEW) that I wouldn't have minded "skipping" and going straight to the Degree. Or how about the course I hated the most in College, Calculus?!?
The POINT is that it is NOT up to the student or the Adulterer to "set the rules for Recovery of a Marriage." It us up to the FAITHFUL SPOUSE who KEPT their vow of fidelity. Who, of the two, at least on the surface, seems to have the "better" grasp on what a
Vow of Fidelity (that is, the voluntary 'giving up' of the 'rights' of a single person) MEANS?
Artor, there is NO "false security" in snooping as a means to verify veracity and truth in her WORDS. Her actions, if true, will prove her change. That change, unless you want to remain a doormat for the rest of your life (to say nothing of repeated exposure to NASTY STD's from your wife's "indiscretions"), MUST define your "new marriage."
Now, here's a "dose of reality" if you choose to "Trust, but VERIFY" for a time.
IF your wife finds out about the snooping, she WILL react with anger. Nobody "likes" to be "snooped upon," but sometimes it's "required." Why? Because their past action is evidence that their "word" cannot be trusted. It is not enough to say "I love you." It requires actions that prove you (or she) DOES love you. Initially we all give "blind trust" and take our spouse at their word. But ADULTERY changes all of that. It is extremely easy to "break trust," "lose trust," with anyone, much less a spouse to whom we have VOWED as a voluntary act of our will to FORSAKE all others for the rest of our life FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE. In essence, your counselor is at least on the right tract her is saying that being with anyone other is unacceptable WHILE MARRIED. But we'll not go into divorce at this time because your counselor obviously also believes, from his statement in this issue, that divorce is okay simply if someone "feels like" they want to be "free." He is elevating "FEELINGS" to the level of STANDARD. That alone tells me, imho, that he is incompetent to function as a MARRIAGE counselor.
Remember the analogies I used earlier? Probation is snooping. "Get out of jail free" cards only exist in Monopoly, not real life. In real life (in Old Testament days) there was no need for snooping, or for attempted Recovery of a marriage, or for marital counseling. Adultery was a Capital crime and the perpetrator was put to death. The marriage ended by death.
IF your wife is truly repentant and truly wants to rebuild a committed monogamous marriage with YOU, then the "short term" snooping, if they'll think about it, should be welcomed and not resented, once they 'get past' the normal first human reaction of anger. People who have nothing to hide do not need to "fear" what anyone might find through "snooping" or "checking up."
Just remember that the snooping is primarily for YOU. It is for your reassurance, your ability to learn to trust her again. She would be just happy with you NOT snooping, but it's an unrealistic "expectation," let alone "demand," from someone who HAS proven untrustworthy in their behavior.
Second issue -- I want my wife to commit to our marriage. To accept (again) the vows we made when we were married -- "...for better, for worse, sickness, health, richer, poorer, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, 'til death....". Not necessarily in some big ceremony, but just tell me she will not have another affair.
I understand. We (all BS's) understand. But it's not going to happen, if at all, for a long time. The AVERAGE recovery timeframe is 2 years. My own took 4 years.
But if all you want is for your wife to "tell you she won't have another affair," she can do that. After all, she did that before, and before, and before....right?
What you really want is REAL CHANGE and REAL, LIFE-LONG COMMITMENT, isn't that right? How will you know by just words alone?
I told her that I can with 100% confidence look her in the eye and say "I will never have an affair." She responded, "You better not spit in the wind." Meaning (to her), "don't make promises you can't guarantee you'll keep!" She wouldn't promise to not have another affair, but said "I don't intend to have another affair."
Of course she doesn't believe you. She interprets everything from the perspective of a proven Adulterer and she NEEDS to know that what she did is "natural" for everyone, thereby gaining rationalization and justification that what she did "wasn't so back because everyone's doing it." Rubbish. I am in your camp. I went celibate for 6 years while my wife was in her affair, NOT because it was "fun," or because "I could get any outside of the marriage if I wanted to," but because I VOWED fidelity and gave up my "Right" to sex with anyone other than my wife "so long as we both shall live." You are right, your wife is wrong.
The counselor had us look at each other and promise, "I will end this marriage before I have an affair." I was too stupified to question it then -- I literally spent the rest of the session starring into space wondering what I had just committed to. He explained it was a common ground of agreement from which to start forward.
WTF???
Get rid of this buffoon. He substitutes one sin for another. At this point in time, ONLY you have grounds for a divorce, and that ground is Adultery on the part of your wife. But he's obviously a proponent of "no fault" divorce where "feelings" reign supreme. This Bozo needs to go or he will simply ENABLE your wife to do whatever "she feels like doing" as justification enough for whatever she chooses. The marriage counselor should be counseling the MARRIAGE, not the individuals. The MARRIAGE is a single unit, and each spouse plays roles and "gives up" some things that as a single individual they might retain. Think of it sort of like a child that you and your wife might have. You each, individually, "give up" a part of you (that half of the chromosomes that are NOT) in the sperm or the egg. You each contribute part of you (that half of the chromosomes that ARE) in the sperm and the egg. What results is a "new you" that is half you and half your wife...a child. That child is NOT you or you wife, but a "ONE" of it's own. So is a marriage, "the two shall become one," as the Bible puts it.
Is this standard practice?
Sadly, yes, all to often. But they make a nice living not having to live with their own advice.
I am very concerned that if I tell my wife we need to change counselors, she'll balk at having to re-hash the past (talk about her infidelities) and accuse me of trying to find a counselor that I agree with and will re-affirm all my feelings. She'll refuse to go and I'm back at square one.
Help?
Not all things in life are "easy." Sometimes doing what is right and what is needed is HARD. But so is deciding to STAY with an adulterer and try to recover your marriage.
HER discomfort, perhaps even anger, should you decide a different counselor is needed is "too bad" if it happens. But it would seem to be necessary unless you want to trust your recovery to this seemingly incompentent bozo.
Remember, YOU are in control of recovery. SHE already chose to leave the marriage (through her adulteries). You decide what's necessary for YOU to continue in the marriage.
God bless.