Scotty:

Steve Harley once told me that some waywards change so radically once they are embroiled in a romantic affair that you might easily find yourself wondering if they are schizophrenic.


And every once in a while you will be tempted to try to reason with her, because the right thing to do seems so obvious to you. Unfortunately, the emotional grip of the affair prevents her from giving any consideration to anything that leads her away from the OP.

I found this all extremely interesting. For myself, if I hadn't found this website I would be questioning my sanity.

WH is so deeply engulfed in this RA that he sees nothing wrong with cutting me off. From the letters I found, WH and OW are in a RA. Nothing matter except for him and OW. I wasn't able to talk any sense into him and he rushed into filing for D once I exposed the A. It's really too bad because we built a strong foundation (or so I thought) on good values and morals. It was a 180 degree change in his personality and lifestyle. It was unreal and unfortunate.

Hiker, thanks for this information. I think this is the kind of affair my wife is having. Everything you have written pretty much sums up her attitude. I can't reason with her at all.

Maybe I should just follow Dr. Pittman's advice and go find a quiet corner until she recovers her sanity.

mickey

my h is also involved in a romantic affair

he gave up a beautiful home with an inground pool and new furniture, a brand new truck and a corvette, both of our dogs that we considered children....because we didn't want children of our own.....my H doesn't like children...in fact, he always believed that no man really wants kids...they just learn how to put up with them...not exactly good father material

he now lives in a HUD house with the married OW who has 4 children ages 6, 9, 15 and 16....one or more may be living with them

he had to trade in his new truck for an older one so he could afford to make payment on her van

when we still had contact, he complained constantly about not being able to pay his bils anad said that bill collectors are caling his home....and said it was all my fault

maybe his wh*re should get herslf a job? but hey! that's one of the reasons why he was "soooo unhappy with me" cause i worked and therefore wasn't home to follow him around all day and give him undivided attention

so now he works out of the home (he never offerred to do that so we could move near our family) and she gives him attention all day long

the constant drama fueled their affair....her H beat the crap out of my H and his new truck when he first found they were together and since the OWH lives with HER mother and one or more children....OW is always at the house that her H lives in which adds to the fear she may leave my H...adds to the excitement too i guess

and his family all support him because "all they want is for him to be happy"

like he wasn't ever happy with me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

eav1967, I know the feeling. It's been months now and I am still in a kind of shock. I want to keep asking "why?" but I know I'll never get the real answer, just all these excuses that don't make any sense.

I can't get a grip on this because I can't see myself doing what she is doing under any circumstances. Maybe even if I hated her, but the kids? How can she do this to them?

This just seems so crazy. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy -- well, maybe the other man!

Mickey, i am right with you brother. My WW is so in the fog that is not funny, its down right scary. She has been told by several people that she is now anorexic, I was told today by a source that even the OM told her to add 10 lbs, but I don't think she could, the disease is taken ahold. So now I have to wait for her to get sick or move on. Our kids suffer, friends suffer, and I am the stoiac one now waiting for things to take their course. We have a custody trial on November 30, and I am hoping a will get full custody of the kids

vikingruler, I wish you luck getting custody. Dang, if only these courts would look at these crazy waywards and realize that it might be a whole lot better for the kids to stay with the sane parent until the other one comes down off her cloud.

Right now I think my wife would fight for custody just on principle, 'cause she hasn't spent one tenth the time with the kids that I have. She obviously would rather spend it with the jerk.

I'm telling ya Vike, if I thought I could get away with cleaning this guy's plow I would do it, but my lawyer says a police report would be a nail in my coffin as far as custody goes. If my wife divorces me and I do get custody, I may just make a visit to see him anyway. The thing is, it's not just what he's doing to me, it's the hardships he's putting my kids through.

this makes me feel like i'm NOT crazy! he WAS a good man and a great H before this started!

sometimes my WH would say or do things and i would be so shocked that my mouth would literally hang open.....and he woudl say "don't look at me like i'm stupid" or i would laugh, thinking aloud i guess that this must be a joke or some alternate reality and he would yell "don't laugh at me"

my always even tempered H, turned WS, was writing a check and threw the pen across the room cussing and swearing.....i just stood there thinking "WHO IS this person???" and once the dogs got into a fight (no big deal....a dominance thing? and after they calmed down, my monster WS kicked one and then the other across the room!!! he was always the most gentle person i knew!! i lost it myself and started screaming and hitting HIM telling him HE was crazy!!

of course he then told everyone that i was beating him and he wasn't safe in his own home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


it really IS so confusing and painful...it makes me question my sanity and my recollection of the past...like i was the one living in a dream and this nightmare is reality

eav,

Dr. Harley and Dr. Pittman both say the cheaters go into alternating states of highs and depression during their affairs. They may get short tempered because, after all, things aren't really going their way. Sure they have the OP, but there are a lot of complications that can make headaches for them.

We keep thinking of our spouses the way they were, and that makes it so hard to accept the change. And yes, it is a radical change!

So which personality is the real one? Once the affair dies you'll see the real personality after withdrawal subsides.

The only time I was "happy" was when I was getting my "fix"... the rest of the time I was seriously effed up. I was very depressed (I've NEVER been depressed) and just all around looney.

*shudders*

I saw "WTF? expressions" on the faces of my friends and family when I was in my A. I felt numb/dead w/ everyone except the OM. I guess that's why so many WS say they felt "alive w/ the OP."

It was a horrible nightmare that I was VERY glad to wake up from.

~ Marsh

Thanks for sharing that Marsh.

How do you feel now? Has everything sort of settled out?

Marsh,

Help me here. I am a BH and have divorced my EX WW and was awarded full custody of our 21 month old son. I see your post stating that the only time you felt alive was when you were with the OM. This is just unreal to me. I say this because I have truly loved three women in my life and would have died for each of them had there been that requirement. BUT at no time did I feel so 'lost' mentally or emotionally that I could not survive the day without seeing them. I wanted to see them, I wanted to be with them, I desired them and so on but life was not going to end if I missed seeing them for a period of time.

This generates my question. Do you feel as if there was something from your childhood, upbringing, a mental illness (no matter how slight), emotional instability or something else prevalent that helped you start this affair and to be able to blind yourself to its effects on everyone around you? I notice in most cases the OM/OW is someone who 99.9% (the others are the one's that the Wayward surrounds themselves with or who are cheaters themselves) of rationally thinking people would go "you are kidding me!!" when told of the wayward having an affair with them. In other words more times than not these affair partners can't hold a light to the man or woman the wayward is married to and yet they are the "chosen one". Do you now feel used by the OM for his pleasure and desires. How do you see him now?

Any insight from a FWW like yourself is helpful to us who will never really understand.

For what its worth...my EX WW is in an affair with a man 23 years older than she, filed bankruptcy, has herpes, is clinically OCD, treated for sex addiction, admitted under oath to 15 sexual and 6 long term affairs within two ruined marriages, kids will not talk w/ him, had an affair with a woman just 6 months before his affair with my wife, was having affairs on two mission trips he went on, was having affairs at the birth of all four grandchildren, is a narcissit, pathological liar, UGLY/Disgusting physically, flirted with my attorney's paralegal in COURT, and more

So you see how I and others wonder what attracts a wayward wife or husband to what most times ends up being despicable human beings..

I feel great now that I have my mind back again. I had closed myself off from my BH and wondered why I didn't love him anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Duh?

Once I got through w/drawals, things improved greatly. I'm still working through things in my mind, but I'm headed in the RIGHT direction....towards my DH, not away from him.

I was lucky, I KNEW it was the A that was making me nutz. So many WS's think it's their spouses that are making them miserable. That's why MB principles and plans are so good. If the BS can maintain themselves in a positive way it can clear the fog away enough for the WS to see what is REALLY making them miserable.

~ Marsh

I felt fine before I chose the A. I felt happy, content, alive, normal, ect..before the A.

But, once I was in it, that's when I began to feel numb to everyone around me. Maybe I felt my soul dying and the only thing that masked what was happening were the feelings the A produced.



I HEAR that! That was part of my mental melt down. I couldn't figure out why I felt the way I did. It was CRAZY. And unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. I can see how some WS mistake it for soulmate love crap. Just b/c of the intensity of it. For me, I knew in my mind that it was nutz to feel the way I did towards anyone. Granted, I still liked the feelings, but I constantly challanged myself about them.



I wish I could point to something and say, "There." That was why I did it.

I think it was a number of factors, but mostly wrong thinking. Lies I told myself. Feelings of entitlement. Certain events in my life at the time.

But, I ALWAYS saw the effects my A was having on everyone around me...I just tried to look away.



I sure do.

I think many WS are trying to fix something inside themselves through another person. And if you're trying to do THAT, you aren't going to attract quality people. Especially if you are married and/or have kids. Good people will NOT want to get involved w/ married folks.

~ Marsh

Thank you so much Marsh.. You are a big help to BS's and FWW's alike. Keep posting and God bless you and your M.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thankyou, H&P.

I am blessed by your posts too.

I am so grateful for this place.


~ Marsh

Hi Marsh,

Thank you so much for sharing your story and insight. I have a question, what made you "wake up from your nightmare?" Was it a romantic A?

Good for you for restoring your M. That's wonderful!

I'm just trying to understand the WS perspective.

Blessings to you,

My wife, my love, is definitely in a RA. and is showing the classic signs here as well as not sure of who she is (so she told me).

thanks for your insight marshmallow

my H is getting his fix all of the time now that he is living with OW and they are together 24-7 since he works at home and she doesn't work

the strange looks from everyone are probably gone now....i'm sure they've accepted it by now

it seems that you had some insight into your soul...or the fact that you were losing your soul-that maybe my H is lacking

he still sees me as the problem and believes that he and OW are meant to be since they were both willing to give everything up to be together

one thing i will always believe

my H and I were meant to be together because when we could have choosen anyone...when we were free in god's eyes to choose anyone to be our partner...we chose each other

and we were so proud to be together that we told everyone....there was no shame and no one was destroyed in the processof our finding happiness together

i'm still so very proud of the fact that one day long ago this man chose me to spend his life with

and i'm so saddened by the fact that one day not so long ago he decided that it was all a big mistake