Lousygolfer,


I think you're right. And if that is the case, my husband will be using my H&O against me like he has for years.

I would like to work on the BIG TICKET items (sex, attractiveness, admiration, companionship) and keep his Love Bank full, like it is now.

Here is what he emailed me yesterday:

"…Lover, I feel like our love is going beyond what I could ask for."

Mulan,

Before I answer your question, I have to say that the SKY OPENED UP for me when I read your explanation of Passive/Aggressive behavior above. I was speechless for hours.

I realize I have work to do in understanding just how to respond to my husband to make our relationship better and stamp out the P/A behavior that has been strangling our marriage.

After reading your post, I sat down to dinner with my husband and children, looked at my husband and felt deeply sorry for him that he was mistreated as a child (domineering father to this day) and doesn't even realize he has the behavior he does.

I was thankful that my children haven't picked up on that behavior since he is normally soft-spoken at the table, not appearing to be harmful in any way – just quietly pouring salt on wounds that he would inflict on ME or poking ME with his moody pin to get me to react.

He happens to be a master at making me look bad and himself look innocent.

But I've been catching on. I have felt myself start to become someone I don't want to be (silent, avoiding him). I often ask myself, "Who do you want to be"? Be that.

So I continue on the path of making our family the best we can be, something we are proud of. The attitude of giving up and being pessimistic is not a good option for a happy family.

Here's an answer to your POJA question:

My husband thinks Dr. Harley is "the ladies man", that is, he makes the wives happy by setting up the course in their favor (against the husbands). He mentioned this more than once and laughs about it. I think it has much to do with the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA).

Before I began my version of Plan A, my answer to you would have been, "There is NO WAY he is EVER going to agree to the POJA, enthusiastically." It would definitely be the deciding factor in whether or not the marriage course would work out (or our marriage for that matter).

But I realized that if he DIDN'T want to love me in such a simple way as agreeing on something that would make us BOTH happy, then he didn't really love me and HE would become the BAD GUY (which he never wants to be) for refusing to work on our marriage. So I gave it a try (introduced the course) anyway (even though he bucked the idea).

Last weekend was our first chance to practice the POJA. At first he got moody and sadly agreed that we had to do something. The next day, we came to an agreement but he was not enthusiastic about it. He said because of the event deadline, he would accept the consequences of his actions.

On the same day of the agreement I let him know (after he asked) that I felt "unappreciated" during Sexual Fulfillment the night before, because he allowed the agreement process to put a DAMPER on the highlight of my month which was dinner out (plus SF afterwards).

This gentle, sincere answer shocked him practically into a standing position (slight exaggeration) because he thinks he is the END ALL (eventually he could be) in Sexual Fulfillment. He felt real bad about how he treated me and has shaped up since. Let's just say he knows I'm paying attention.

The point I want to make is that he DID come to an agreement. And since he has shaped up, he has NOT held a grudge regarding that agreement. This is the FIRST time since we've been married that an originally yes/no disagreement turned out for the better, without the consequences of an obvious GRUDGE against me. I think this is a sign that he is changing for the better.

What seemed to have changed his attitude on agreement making, was when I confronted him point blank ("I feel…") on his Heart Adultery (wandering eyes) and gave him the ultimatum that I wouldn't want to have sex with him as long as I wasn't the only woman in our marriage. And I meant it.

Things have changed for us ever since (his confession). That was the TURNING POINT (which makes me think that he secretly wants ME to bail him out of his misery) in our marriage. Maybe he realizes that I have relationship boundaries that I am willing to draw - with or without him!

Go baby!

We'll see what happens when we get to the real meat and potatoes of his P/A behavior which includes Personality Disorder relatives/in-laws in business. I don't see how he can fully change his P/A behavior until the puppet strings to his VERY domineering father are cut and the umbilical cord to his mother is clamped. He doesn't like disappointing them. But it doesn't even bother him to disappoint me.

I have never insisted on these things (cut, clamp) because I'm not the kind of wife who wants a leash or reigns on her husband. Instead, I want him to FREELY love me, like I freely love him.

It's just that I had come to a DEAD END in our marriage since I was beginning to act like him by being silent and avoiding his presence. He didn't like this and seemed to drift away more. Not good for a marriage.

The only thing he did differently during this silent time was to ask more questions trying to get something out of me so that he could know what was going on (which is also his chance to turn my H&O against me).

For example, about the time we were waiting for the course to arrive, he confided that our relationship may not be able to improve until he parted from his relatives/business. So his solution was to tell his relatives that he would be quitting the business for marital reasons (blame me). I became unglued (which is what he probably wanted).

Only this time, I drew the line. I explained that I have been the bad guy for all these years while enduring the wrath of relatives, and if he makes me the bad guy in quitting his job and leaving town, it will be a FATAL BLOW (to our relationship). I could not be happy with him under those conditions.

He thought my words were STRONG. He couldn't believe that I would react that way. I told him that if I don't turn this subject into a STORM, he would ignore me, do as he pleases, turn me into the bad guy while making himself the good guy - only to find out that he'll lose what he's got altogether. In other words, don't forget this, as it WILL be the last straw.

He might actually consider working with me this time.

Now that I realize he is Passive/Aggressive, I will make an adjustment to my communication to help him overcome this behavior in the same way I overcame my Sexual Aversion to him.

Do you have a quick and easy list for me to start with?

I've been noticing something lately.

My husband has been following of pattern of behavior for about a month now. He'll hold my hand during conversation about our relationship, usually after discussing or reading the MB course. When he does this, he holds my hand tightly and he looks at me very seriously (rare for him). It happened again today.

I feel like he wants to tell me something. I don't know if he's worried (low self-esteem) about what the EN Questionnaire is going to look like when I'm done filling it out or if he has something he wants to tell me that I wouldn't like to hear (Physical Affair).

He also mentioned after Sexual Fulfillment last night that he "doesn't deserve" me. I've heard him say this before. Could it just be low self-esteem or could there be a reason to not be "deserved" (PA)?

Also, I should mention that he has woken up in the night or had restless mornings (can't get back to sleep) more than usual since we've been working on our relationship.

If this rings a bell to anyone, please let me know what questions I should ask and in what order. Also, what should the atmosphere be like when I ask the questions?

I think he is showing signs that he wants to communicate something to me. If he does have bad news to tell me, I want to draw it out and help him find relief. But I don't want to imply that I think he needs to tell me something, in case I'm wrong.

Observing;

Keep doing what you are doing.

He may reveal something like a PA, or EA, or that he has gambled all the family money away on an online poker site.

He is saying some of the classic Affair lines. "doesn't Deserve you", the serious look. He may want to reveal one.

So, be ready to be calm when it does happen. And have a plan for what happens next. And think about it, do not do anything rash. A very emotional display with the throwing of things, yelling, "I Knew IT!, You are a @@@(((###, and ##(($$!, Move out, Now, I'm Divorcing your lying cheating ###00, etc. It may just make him crawl back into his shell. I was really surprized by how calm my BS did take the news. She was emotional, Crying, Sobbing etc, but we talked for over 36 hours in 4 days about it. I came clean at that time. You may need to take alot longer to get the full story. A bad reaction at the beginning may prevent you ever getting the full story.

He may also reveal nothing quite as dramatic as the above. Do not speculate too much. Your expectations may be greater than his actual revelation. Does not mean that it is not something that took him a long time to feel comfortable telling you.

He may just be realizing how screwed up this M has been and his part in it. AND he might be really disappointed in himself for letting it happen.

Remember, the point of MB and this website is to build great Marriages. By teaching you and your spouse better habits and behaviors to connect and create love for one another. And dispose of those old bad habits that create distance in a relationship.

You may never be able to forgive your H if he had an A. You may divorce him in the future. Your grounds will not be because he had an A. Your grounds will be because he decided to crawl back into that shell.

Do you like this person that is emerging? If you do, you will like him even better if you two stay on track.

It a long road. Do not worry about the stations that you pass, you may not even know that you pass them, but when you look back, you will see that they were there. And the baggage that you left there.

Also, I doubt that your H has low self-esteem. He is just displaying classic avoidance of whatever he might like to reveal.

Well, not exactly - I'm not really sure what you're asking here.

I would just say to keep doing what you're doing - follow Plan A to the letter, which it sounds like you are already - and deal with any P/A stuff that comes up by calling him on it.

The POJA sounds fairly encouraging. At least he seems to be willing to try. P/A people HATE the POJA. You woulda thought I'd asked by husband to stop breathing when I asked him to POJA things with me. So that sounds promising.

Just remember that P/A behaviour does not go away overnight. Just when you think it's finished, or cured, he'll hit you with something else. Many experts consider it to be an addiction of sorts.

Just hang in there! From what you have posted, it sounds promising.
Mulan

Lousygolfer,


That's what I fear.


Yes, I do. And if by staying on track it gets better, that's great!


I will do that. I trust that you know what is needed. And I can't thank you enough for cluing me in on this BEFORE I might need to use this advice.

If anything bad is revealed to me, I plan to put my emotions aside and listen carefully and ask questions to draw out more truth, until I get it all.

After all the nights of lost sleep and suspicions here and there and everywhere (whether real or not), I really don't care what I would hear anymore. All I want is the TRUTH.

Then, if I find my emotions running high, I can always come to this forum and spill my guts.

And get help.

You know what? I counted on your advice. You gave it to me. What a friend this forum has! Thank you.

Mulan,

Thanks for being there.

I sure appreciate your wisdom and encouragement. And after reading some of your other posts, I sure feel for you!

Recently, I read more on Passive/Aggressive behavior.

I just couldn't believe what I was reading about the "boomerang" relationship. Although my husband and I experience more STEAM spouting off here and there than we do VOLCANOES like other couples, I'm finding that his P/A behavior can be just as destructive to our relationship.

The information on P/A helped me to do a good job on the next task. I kept thinking to myself, "When he throws the boomerang toward me, CATCH IT MID AIR, and don’t let it go back". This helps me to remember what to do while it's happening.

However, I was somewhat discouraged at how hard it is for a P/A person to change. It may be something I have to live with (work on) for the rest of my life. I don't know.


Will do.


Yeah, I had to "call him on it" a couple times in less than a week already.

First, because he was anti-social (hanging head, avoiding eye contact, avoiding conversation with me) at the dinner table the day after a great night of Sexual Fulfillment (SF) and an afternoon of working on the marriage course, and secondly, because of practically no contact (phone, email or text messaging) for nearly the whole day at work after another special evening of SF.

I am sensitive to how he treats me after we are intimate with each other. I look forward to the same closeness after SF that we have during SF, but obviously in a different way during the day. If he doesn't seem to care about me or ignores me the next day, it doesn't go over very well with me as Affection (the necessary environment for sex).

So both times, I had to be the "bad guy" for RUINING another anticipated evening of SF by expressing how I felt about us not being close outside the bedroom, only inside the bedroom.

After being unfairly blamed, listening to his excuses and bringing him back to the topic, I reminded him that whether or not he thought I was right wasn't the issue because it was still the way I FELT and that he couldn’t INVALIDATE my feelings, especially after asking me to be open and honest with him.

The first time, he confided that by confronting him, it removed a "huge road block" in communication for him. He was a different man the next day.

By the second time, he was realizing that he was cutting me off from sharing things with him and preventing us from solving our problems and growing closer together.

Then I agreed to not "clam up" for fear of him "taking it out on me" through sulking and accusations. And he agreed to listen to me as soon as I feel like we're going off track (him not being affectionate with me but willing to have sex, as though sex is a sign of closeness but affection isn't).

He got the point. If he wasn't going to be affectionate with me, I wasn't going to feel close enough to him to feel like having sex. And for the first time he rephrased it in such a way that it was very believable that he was sincere with me in wanting what was best for BOTH of us.

He said he would rather back off on SF until I felt that Affection balanced with it. This was reassuring and revealed to me that he understood the problem and was willing to work on it.

In other words, he indicated he didn't want me to feel "used" anymore than he wanted to "use" me. Actually, he said he felt sick that I felt that way (used) at all.

But he felt GREAT (and later even smiled) when I told him how HURT I was when I went into his business office that night (first time in a few years, and with the purpose of making copies and setting up a hardware keylogger on his computer) and found out that our romantic portrait was GONE (no longer on the shelf).

He said it meant a lot to him that I cared deeply about that picture and he volunteered to put it back on the shelf as soon as possible.

It was another one of those painful moments that supposedly helped him realize that I don't fit into the ugly box of "not loving him" like he had DECIDED I did.

I'm beginning to feel good about our progress. And now I'm finding myself letting my guards down and silently asking him to help me carry this load (join me in the relationship building).

It seems to be consistently getting better, with only slight setbacks like the ones explained above. Neither one of us wants to go back to where we were, that is, I was giving him a taste of his own silent treatment (part of the reason was to avoid being the bad buy all the time)!

With a hardware keylogger, now I should be able to get pertinent information faster without giving myself away through detection software. Also, I'm going to upgrade the GPS tracking device to real-time, as I'm getting tired of secretly approaching his vehicle to change the batteries or download data.

Good thing the first and most suspected semen test was negative (I ruined his underwear by testing it directly). Even though I saw him washing his laundry after he came home that night, it still could be a coincidence because he does do his own laundry.

The vehicle tracking information was accountable almost to the hour, although there may have been 1 hour or so of unaccountable time on that day. I think it could have been a conversational delay (his business sibling talks a lot). My husband was somewhat vague on the time he left his meeting.

I feel that I need to get into his business computer to know for sure. I know he deletes anything on his business cell phone that is private. He does the same with emails on his business computer (doesn't use home computers, not computer savvy). He is not the kind of guy who wants his private life to be public! So if I ever needed to, EXPOSURE would be very effective.

When the time comes to see the keylogger results, I'm going to feel AWEFUL. I'm the kind of person who respects other people's privacy, so if I'm wrong about suspecting him, I hope he FORGIVES me for snooping (I just need peace of mind).

Observing:

Keep working it.

You are making headway. Serious headway.

You have not described your H response or committment to the Harley training, You have described some parts in the past, but how is it going now?

Since you do not go to your H's office often, you now have to make additional reasons to go. How long does it take to download the keylogger info and how are you going to get it? Try to vist at unannounced times. If he knows you are coming by, you have to go early, and be waiting for him. Do not go when you know he isn't go to be there, unless you want to drop off something special... (Flowers, a card, something he would like...) It looks too suspisous. And others will tell him you were there. Unless, you can get there without anyones elses knowledge.

Realtime GPS is great, what is the distance that the radio transmits? Or is it attached to a cell phone?

A word of advice. When you use the keylogger and GPS, please check weekly. If you find something, do not reveal your sources, and if in about three weeks, you notice nothing untoward, then lighten up. Just check every other week. Or discontinue.

If he had an affair, nothing you are doing now will uncover it. If he is in one, you will know in a week. The keylogger tells all. After getting into my A, a keylogger would have had me in less than a week. Even if OW was on vacation, we would always stay in contact.

You are checking for your satisfaction that he is not currently in an A. You do not need to reveal this right away, and maybe never. ONce you get the goods, you can build you case for exposure as needed to break it up. If he is not in an A, he already knows you suspect him, if you ever reveal to him that you had "snooped" then he just has to deal with that later. If he fully supports the Harley process, when and if the "snooping" is revealled, it will because he asked and he has to accept the truth. You were confirming his ACTIONS, not his WORDS, remember that.

The last caveat: As I said before, you may find nothing, or you just might find confirmation of the worst. Be prepared.

LG

Lousygolfer,

I hope you and your family had a nice Thanksgiving!


We're still working on our EN lists. We haven't progressed much from that point in the course.

We seem to be expressing our ENs through conversation more than we are getting those needs onto the official forms. And that explains why we are not advancing to the next chapters in the book (if we follow the order of the assignments).

There'll be more on my husband's opinion of Dr. Harley's Policy of Radical Honesty below…


Oh, I appreciate this advice. It confirmed my plans and I haven't deterred from them because of what you said.

I can do one of two things. I can go when nobody knows. Or I can go when only he knows (make copies). I've been doing the latter.

I've used all the creatively I could gather in choosing the most current and understandable reasons for going to his office, which is working perfectly.

There is NO WAY I could download the information at his office without taking the chance of someone showing up during those minutes. So I bought 2 keyloggers that can be quickly switched with each other when necessary.

Yeah, it cost me double ($500.00), but then I can download the data after I get home and view the information in private at another time.

It's fast. It's effective. And no fingerprints!


It's the one detectives use and works either around the country or around the world. The device makes use of GPS and SIM to collect and notify of data. The online account allows you to view maps and choose your monthly allowance of service.

I like it because I only need to change the batteries once a month. And on days that I suspect anything, I can watch real-time if I want to by first receiving text messages on my phone and then by logging onto the website to get more data.

Yeah, it's another $500.00 plus monthly costs. So I haven't bought it yet because I want to first see if there's any suspicious behavior with the keylogger.

Once the keylogger arrived, I've found myself more relaxed about our relationship. I already feel SO MUCH better having this tool. It's MAJOR for me. I absolutely LOVE having it because it is going to give me the peace of mind that I need so desperately.


Thanks for the cues. Wow, this gives me a time frame to be looking at. Sure helpful!

Okay, I'm ready to relax if after 3 weeks of keylogging, I don't find anything.

At the same time, I think I'm realizing how identical Passive/Aggressive behavior is to Adulterous behavior. I think it's hard to tell the difference because P/A people can be so distant and secretive about their intimacy. This creates much distrust, especially if you uncover any semi-relevant lies. For my husband, it could be something as simple (actually as COMPLEX) as P/A behavior.


I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support!

Here's an update…

Good News 1: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The first 24 hours (that's all I have access to at the moment) of keylogging showed my husband CLEAN. I was impressed.

I know, I know, I need to give it more time. I had to start over on the keylogger because I was so frantic when secretly setting it up that I missed seeing the back-up battery in the package which provides the time-date stamping.

What's more, I could hardly sleep that night wondering if the hardware would actually be detected by the computer or that maybe I didn't plug it in correctly and the connection would be compromised. All imagined worries, as I am fairly computer literate.

Good News 2: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The property issue has been settled. Well, sort of. We still have to get the property in my name too since we ARE married. Also I feel bad that I was never included in the decision of where the property lines would be drawn. It's a bitter/sweet victory for me.

Progress Report: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

More of the same has been happening. Hey, and I'm getting worn out!

For example, we had great nights of Sexual Fulfillment (SF), followed by a lack of Affection on his part the day after. The fourth time overall (first two described in a previous post), which was when he stood in front of me with his arms at his side looking like he didn't want to hug me after coming home from work, SET ME OFF.

I had been happy all day, had a great hair day for his sake, wore his favorite dangling earrings, and greeted him with a smile. We did hug, but it felt more like hugging a deflated balloon than a husband who cared about his wife's existence.

I can't stand that stuff. I thought we had some kind of an understanding about Affection by now. Didn't he read the Affection chapter twice? Didn't he ask me what I liked for Affection already? Didn't I show him Dr. Harley's list when he asked me again as though I never told him in the first place? Haven't we spent weeks talking about this?

Apparently (found out later), he had a STRESSFUL day at work. I believe it. He always does! But this time he was taking extra heat from his relatives who PUNISHED him because he stood firm (bless his heart) in our first Policy of Joint Agreement.

During the day, he didn't let me know what was going on. In the past, I've asked him to please let me know (SHORT phone call, email, text message, ANYTHING) when things are going bad at work so that I can more easily understand his day by the time he gets home.

Well, I had enough. But I didn't want to get upset or bring up any faults because it would play into his Passive/Aggressive (P/A) mentality of becoming a VICTIM.

So I did what I NEVER do (with the fury of energy I acquired from the moment). I turned cold on him, looked past him at dinner, left the dinner table early and went about my business without him that night. Isn't that like going DARK?

He went to bed without indicating he wanted to work things out, which is his normal pattern of relationship problem solving anyway.

By morning, I tried to get back into my version of Plan A. I sent him an email because I knew we shouldn't go days without speaking and he had mentioned earlier that he didn't like being on a rollercoaster.

I took the plunge. I explained to him what I understood about P/A behavior and how I think it is interfering with our relationship building, and that I felt we needed counseling for this behavior because I felt that I couldn't continue having sex with him if he doesn't want to be affectionate with me the day after.

He replied by admitting part of the behavior, giving me his own opinion of our relationship problems and then "stabbed me in the back" with an intimate tool which was unrelated to the point of discussion.

He cut deep. I had a feeling I shouldn't have been so honest with him in the past regarding our sexual intimacy. He would use it against me. And he did.

During conversation that night, I mentioned two things:

First, that what he said about me was completely untrue (he did it to hurt me).

And second, that I had come up with a QUICK FIX solution to help us balance Sexual Fulfillment and Affection: that we could have SF if he had the next day off from work so that he would be FRIENDLY to me. He enthusiastically agreed with the SF plan.

Apparently, we recovered. The next day his email went like this:

"I feel so blessed to have a wife that is faithful to her marriage in good times and not so good times…we're making great progress in our communication…I think last night was major."

But it took a couple more days (and a lot of guts) for me to put into words how I thought he used something very personal about me to hurt me and that if he was going to use my honesty against me, then I wouldn't feel safe giving him information like that in the future.

Then for hours, I felt like I had to "take the BULL by the HORNS" to keep my feelings validated over his lack of acceptance of those feelings.

I'm convinced he doesn't realize his responses are part of P/A behavior. It's as though anything I say about our relationship gives him the opportunity to OBJECT. He even claimed a "stalemate" over my feelings on P/A behavior as though they were invalid because he disagreed and as though we were playing a game or fighting a war.

I think I'm at a crossroads now. I feel like we can become only as intimate as it takes to GET ALONG but not as intimate as it would take for him to TURN AGAINST ME when it suits him.

I enjoyed what had become our lighthearted and fun 3 days-a-WEEK of SF that he initiated, but now we're at 1 day-a-WEEK to help us stay off the emotional rollercoaster. I guess that's better than the 1 day-a-MONTH we were at before we began our relationship building.

I think this might be a good, realistic plateau for us in our relationship. I'm happy we're getting along better and I think we have learned some lifetime skills, like trying to find common interests with Conversation as we do with Recreational Companionship (RC). Plus, we always have the option of more SF when balanced with more Affection.

I was surprised he worked with me on the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). I thought the POJA was going to be the "straw that broke the camels back" for our relationship building. But instead, I fear the straw is going to be the Policy of Radical Honesty (PORH).

Just yesterday, my husband said he doesn't agree with Dr. Harley's radical honesty policy. How convenient for my husband! Isn't he the same man who wants Honesty & Openness from his wife?

I'm sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think honesty isn't going to be what I hoped it would be in our marriage.

I'm having feelings of not completing the course since I can't count on the best part of it anyway.

My husband could eventually agree to honesty, but I'm afraid it won't be the truth.

Now what?

Observing:

One point, I really can not respond until after Dec 4.

You have been involved with this man for 20 or more years.

You have made more progress in dealing with some of his issues in the past two months.

Give it time.

Please.

IT takes it.

Lousygolfer,


You're right.

This stuff takes time.

I do need to be patient.

Things ARE improving (update below).

Update…

The Lord must have heard my cry…

Just about when I was too sad for cuddling, my husband climbed into bed and took me in his arms like he hasn't for years. I noticed. I wasn't sure what it meant this time. It was very touching.

The next day, he came to me with Honesty & Openness about what has recently transpired with his relatives.

Apparently, his parents had "taken sides" with his business sibling's family members on a matter of opinion unrelated to business, but directly related to our first Policy of Joint Agreement, which was none of their business.

As a result, we were not invited to their Thanksgiving dinner, an event we have rarely, if ever, missed. It was the day after Thanksgiving that my husband unexpectedly met up with other relatives who had traveled to town for the occasion. That's when he realized what had been going on behind our backs.

Not good. But this was a "turning point" for my husband.

Now he knows how CONDITIONAL those friendships are. And how un-accepting his relatives can be when we attempt to make our own decisions.

We have made decisions similar to this agreement before, but this time, my husband was honest (no sugar-coated side-stepping answers) with his mother when she asked about it.

He was trying to practice honesty (effects of the MB course) and now maintains that his relatives are not honest with each other and he wants to change that in himself (very important considering one of my last posts).

You can imagine how PROUD of him I was when I heard that, even though he was very nervous when answering his mother, he courageously endured the emotional accusations when she attempted to manipulate him over our agreement.

Wow. This MB course seems to be having an effect on my husband. I guess I shouldn't be giving up so soon!

And get this. By the time we finished talking that day, we had agreed to go into business together. Did I say that? Yes! And this will be the biggest and most important decision my husband has made since getting married (and having children).

It's going to change EVERYTHING. No more "puppet strings". No more "umbilical cord". Plus he won't have the enormous stress of making sure that over a hundred employees are getting paid and the family-owned corporation is profiting.

This is a dream come true for me (if it really does happen). We will be able to live our own life. And grow together as a couple.

It should be just a matter of time. As soon as my husband feels ready to change occupations, he's going to break the news.

And believe me. All h--- is going to break loose!

But I think my husband realizes there is no future there for us. He says he can't guarantee how his relatives will react (sell the corporation, disown us, whatever). Only that he KNOWS the foolish spending will STOP, as there won't be any more money to spend!

Hey, and I can't wait to have my husband's expertise as a financial/data analyzer available for my business (at least part time). Yeah, I would like to see that "good fruit" going back into our family instead of into a corporation with a dishonest hole in it!

Sounds very promising. Now don't get your hopes way up over this. Have patience, and be sure to give him lots of admiration.

More good news…

Last night, my husband told me about an encounter he had yesterday with his "guilt ridden" father regarding Thanksgiving and how we were left out of the celebration.

He did another GREAT job with one of his parents. I am ecstatically PROUD of him!

You see, my husband had predicted what his father would do. And it happened. So my husband was ready with some questions in mind.

He gently, but honesty confronted his father after his father approached him. His father didn't have much of an answer. Actually, the answer dug him deeper into a hole.

At least the problem is not being swept under the rug. That's what's important.

Also, I noticed that my husband is now saying that his relatives have "personality disorders". It makes me LAUGH inside, because I think he is ADAMANT about NOT having a personality disorder (P/A). Good. Now we can get things done in our relationship.

Plus, on a more positive note, my husband is giving me "bear hugs" when he gets home from work. He now generously gives me Affection before bedtime and tells me about his day.

I have a lot to be thankful for!

Believer,

Thanks for the encouragement and words of wisdom!


I'll try to be realistic. But that might be hard. I'm sort of an "all or nothing" person. At least when he's got me, he's got my ALL!


I will do my best. It's already getting easier.

Admiration, and more admiration. It must be very difficult to stand up to his parents. Sounds like your husband is very motivated.

Believer,



That's right. In my husband's words:

"…hurts me more than I realize because of how I feel about my parents and the relationship I thought I had but really have not had."

I don't know what to think now.

My husband is suspicious of me (snooping).

Last night, I made an un-announced visit to his office to change a setting on the software keylogger that I eventually installed on his computer.

Even though I left the information of my whereabouts with my kids in the house, my husband happened to walk out of the garage with one of the other kids as I was driving out of the driveway. So I gave him a quick honk to say "see ya" (he always makes quick runs without notifying me first).

Then a few minutes after I arrived at his office, he SHOWED UP at the main office door!

I couldn't believe all that went through my mind in those few seconds as he unlocked the entrance door and headed down the hallway into his office.

He was FOLLOWING me. He was CHECKING UP on me!

He has NEVER done that. If I have ever made him curious, he'll ask questions later. He has never been suspicious of my behavior before (and I have never given him a reason).

I can't tell you how thankful I am to the Lord for protecting my task at that moment. Had my husband arrived 60 SECONDS earlier, the lights would have still been OFF and I would have been sitting at his computer logging in.

Instead, the lights were ON and I was entering a fax number into the fax machine near the main office entrance as he walked in the door.

He didn't stop to give me a hug or a kiss as is usual when we meet up with each other by SURPRISE.

He seemed determined to get into his office, to my shock and dismay (I acted casual though). Luckily, I had not authenticated the keylogger program for him to see on his computer screen!

Realizing that he was going to know within seconds that I was using his computer, I blurted out that I had planned to do Christmas shopping on his computer, since I couldn't do it at home with one of my older kids looking over my shoulder that day (which happened to be true).

It was a miracle the right words came out of my mouth as I watched him walk toward his office. He didn't turn around to acknowledge what I was saying either. He made a quick comment like "okay".

This NEVER would have worked and I would have been CAUGHT "red handed" had he not given me his password a week earlier after his parents betrayed him (Thanksgiving) and we searched for other job opportunities on his computer together.

Imagine me sitting at his computer and working on a keylogger program without having received his password from him. What a spotlight that would have been!

Okay. The reason I left the house without telling him beforehand was because I thought he was beginning to wonder why I was making more frequent trips to the office. Plus I wanted to make one last trip without having to explain myself. I figured I could explain afterwards this time.

The second-to-last trip, when I had installed the software keylogger, took me over 20 minutes longer than I had planned (10 minutes). I thought it would be my last trip, as I was quickly running out of valid reasons for going to his office.

But...yesterday morning, a SUSPECTED email came in (to his computer).

My heart started POUNDING when I read the return address (real-time emailed reports). It was from the only woman that I have come to suspect, simply because she had given him a gift which showed up at our house on the same day that I downloaded my first list on "signs of infidelity". My version of Plan A began the next day.

Besides reading MB material and the EN Questionnaire, the downloaded list from another website explained that infidelity signs will appear in "clusters". In other words, it may not be one sign, but a bunch of signs together that help you to know if something's going on. I read the "how he treats you" list and my husband fit nearly the entire list!

Then at dinner, I could hardly look at him without panic on my face when I heard that he brought home our dessert for the evening, which was given to him by a woman related to his job. We receive gifts for special occasions, but I wasn't yet aware that he had brought anything into the house and it wasn't a special occasion.

I remember him telling me her name when I asked one time after discussing business. He said that I "wouldn't know her" (I am familiar with practically everyone he works with), but that I "would like her" and that I "should get to know her" since her and I appreciate and buy similar product materials for our businesses and she is "very knowledgeable" in our materials category.

How did he become so aware of her knowledge without me finding out who she is? How much time have they spent together sharing this knowledge?

Apparently, she used to work at his company but now "has her own business". The reason we supposedly received dessert from her was because my husband had bought product stock for her business and the stock was supposedly misplaced before she was able to get her hands on it, so he re-ordered and then she showed her appreciation by giving our family this gift.

Thinking back, I had never felt comfortable with his answer when I asked him when or how long she was working for his company. He said he "didn't know" or "couldn't remember". What?

I about came unglued inside. What the h--- is he buying product stock for a woman who has no part in his business? I confronted him on a strictly business level the next day about how he is creating dependency for her business and that she should be making it on her own like the rest of us have to. He agreed.

Since then I have been watching for any contact, especially via vehicle tracking or cell phone calls.

When the emailed arrived, I wasn't surprised that she was back for more "help". But what did surprise me was that her email contained a LARGE image (beneath her name) along with a business logo image.

BUT, I couldn't view it because my software keylogger was not set to deliver attachments by default. Knowing the size of normal files sent via email and that this size seemed abnormal for regular business correspondence, I began to get curious.

Was it a personal portrait? Why would she send a picture so large in an ordinary business email? The email itself looked normal except that she quoted another company. The only reason the quote was suspicious to me was because the words "make the arrangements" jumped out at me.

That's when I decided I would need to go back to his office and change the keylogger settings so that I wouldn't miss out on what could be pertinent information in the future. I decided that when I got there, I would open his email program and try to view those images.

Now fast-forward to last night. After my husband left the office, as I stood there in disbelief near the fax machine, I went back to his computer, opened his email program and clicked on her email. The large picture was GONE!!!

Did his email program delete it automatically because it was large (less than 4MB)? Or did HE delete it because he didn't want a record of it on his computer?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Later that evening and before bedtime, my husband seemed somewhat disturbed. I tried to ease the tension between us with relaxed cheer (nothing particularly obvious). Neither one of us brought up the event at the office, nor the few words we exchanged about why we were both there at the same time.

For some reason it turned out to be a good Sexual Fulfillment (SF) night. We tentatively decided that our 1 day-a-week scheduled SF wasn't as enjoyable as our spontaneous 2-3 days-a-week SF. Perhaps we were both just RELEIVED to be done with the day's episode.

Could he be suspecting ME to be having a relationship? Or does he have something to HIDE and wants to know what I am doing at his office?

At least I don't have to go to his office anymore. The software keylogger has replaced the hardware keylogger to my delight!

I wanted to write about this because it helps me to get it off my mind. I cannot believe how awkward it felt to meet up with him like that. I really felt like my husband was checking up on me, which is not his style (or at least hasn't been for as long as I've known him).

I also feel more suspicious now than before. I feel like he gave me a reason.