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Hello everyone - hope all is well with each of you in this ever chaotic world of Dating After Divorce.

OK - now I need objective opinions. Sit a spell, this could get lengthy.

I'm in a long term(?) relationship with a fella for almost 1 1/2 years now. I have really had no complaints, things were for the most part going A-OK. No marriage plans, no big promises of "forever" - just slowly enjoying each other's company, and becoming more and more attached every day.

Well, this weekend, I had a stressful life changing situation happen - and my boyfriend's reaction has just hurt me to the core. I'll explain.....

I had to put one of my dogs to sleep last Friday (14 years old). Now, I know for some this is no big deal - but for those of you pet owners out there, I'm sure you will understand how absolutely heartbreaking this can be. I have no children, so my dogs (I have 3) are my "kids" - and it was a heartbreaking experience. My boyfriend knew ahead of time - I remember telling him on the phone that I had made the vet appointment, and he seemed genuinely sorry to hear. Well, Friday came, I was a miserable mess, and really could have used a shoulder to cry on. I don't know if I had unrealistic expectations or not, but I didn't get a call or visit from my boyfriend that day. I guess I just assumed (that gets us in trouble, I know) that he would have known that Friday would have been a bad day for me, and would have wanted to be there for me. Saturday came, still no call. Sunday came, no call. I'm disappointed to say the least. That got me thinking.....

I had two other major lifechanging experiences in the time I've been dating him. I had a breast biopsy done - same thing - he knew about it ahead of time, but no "how are you" call or visit afterwards. The second was just recently, I had a major "female" surgery the end of July. Again, he knew about it - no call.

My fault in this - I've never expressed how hurt I am/was when he wasn't there for support on any of these occasions, I just internalized my disappointment. Well, it's starting to fester into resentment. I am falling back into my awful lack of communication skills like I had with my ex-husband, and it's making me even more angry.

First question - did I have unrealistic expections? Was I asking too much for him to understand that I need him for times like those I mentioned above?

Second - how do I address it with him that I can effectively express how hurt I am/was without my resentment and anger coming to the surface?

Thanks.....
Laura


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did I have unrealistic expections?
Yes. You're expecting him to read your mind.

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how do I address it with him
Carefully. Think about how you would have liked for him to act. Write it down and rewrite until it doesn't come across as blaming. You don't have to give it to him. Just try to work out how to express what you want. Take time to get over your disapointment before addressing this with him. Use "I would like..." rather than "You didn't...". It sounds like he is being consistant. Some peolple like to have some time alone when facing something difficult. Consider that he might have been trying to help you by giving you some space. Of course, it should be addressed because he needs to learn what you want and need. I think this is a communication problem, not a sign that he doesn't care.

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I agree with the above.

He can't read your mind, and since you didn't call him, he may have figured you were handling things just fine.


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did I have unrealistic expections?
Yes. You're expecting him to read your mind.

[

I dunno - I guess men and women are just wired different. I would suppose that if I knew that a friend (or him) was having a stressful medical procedure, or let's say my friend (or he) lost a loved one - the FIRST thing I would do is pick up the phone and express my sorrow, and ask if there was anything I could do to help. If I was told that my friend (or he) needed space and time alone, I would respect that. But, I didn't get that chance, he didn't even call - no nothing.....I respectfully think that a caring friend would ATTEMPT some type of contact.


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One more thought I had - believe it or not, I'm not a very needy person, but for goodness sake, do I have to spell it out for everyone that I meet, or date for over a year and a half? I mean, do I have to explain to someone that "in times of stress, a phone call would be nice to show me that you care". I mean, isn't that just doing what comes natural? You'd think that if you are in a long term relationship that the other person (whether man or woman) would sort of have an "idea" of what type of person you are? Did I expect him to rush right over, hold my weeping head in his hands? No. But a phone call would have been nice. Just to update you, I still haven't heard from him - it's now Monday evening. Me thinks that he's good at avoiding anything unpleasant......

And, that would be a deal breaker for me.

Laura


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I don't believe you had unrealistic expectations at all! I certainly don't think you expected him to read your mind either. I think it's a "given" that your boyfriend, and any good friend for that matter, would call to see how you were doing and to lend support.


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I I think it's a "given" that your boyfriend, and any good friend for that matter, would call to see how you were doing and to lend support.

Thank you!! That's what I was trying to convey - I do think it's a "given" that when someone you care for is hurting, you can lend support.


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{{{Laura}}},

I agree with bluer skies too.It was not too much to ask for a bit of well wishes or sympathy during these times.Is he emotionally "dead" inside or has he been warm and comforting in other areas? Afterall,you have not been just going out a month.You've been seeing him for over a year.

At this point I would bring it up and see what he says.Maybe he really does have no clue how to comfort someone when they need it and those instances were all prime examples of where he should have been available to you.Hopefully it wouldn't take getting hit by a car to get a reaction from him.

Don't let this fester.Get it out and in the open now.And don't fall into the silence trap either.ALWAYS express concerns right away.

I Hope the surgery went well and the biopsy was benign.

Take Care~

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When I am going through something stressful like this, I often want to be left alone. My ex-wife, on the other hand, wanted to be pampered. We had to learn about each other's preferences, and to respond accordingly, instead of following the Golden Rule.

So, Laura, how does this man like to be treated in such circumstances? Do you know?

As others have said, this is something you need to talk about (and fbwidow gave good advice as to the how).

All that said, however, I have to admit that the insensitivity here seems a bit extreme. If I had to guess, I'd guess that we've got an avoidance problem going on. But you won't know actually know unless you communicate.


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Thanks AmericanBeauty - the biopsy was benign....that was a huge relief. The surgery - well, we'll see what the long term results are in a few months.....

Looking back, I have seen a few red flags lately - he's not the most outwardly warm person, and I really am doubting whether or not he "can" be.....and while I don't expect constant reassurance and affection, I guess I DO expect that when the chips are down, he would have come through for me. I'm more disappointed and hurt than angry, because as you said, we have been seeing each other for over a year. I really have been wondering for a while if he is sort of "dead" inside emotionally.

I will discuss this when the opportunity presents itself. I've thought about this for a while now, and I am truly more the "giver" here amd I don't want to fall into that co=dependent behavior that I have in the past. I can't just ignore this, or I will have given him the message that it's A-OK, and that's NOT what I'm looking for. This will be a very good test for me on how I've grown (or not grown) in my communication skills.

Thanks for your thoughts.


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And just to add in to what GDP said,your BF should have called to see if you were ok and then if you said,"I'm ok, I just want to be alone",then that would be fine,but he never even called.

To me,it's basic common courtesy and care for you that went missing here.You didn't lose your wallet.You went
"under the knife" and needle and lost a beloved pet.

Let us know how the conversation goes.

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THTB, sorry for your loss.

I don't think you had unrealistic expectations but quite reasonable, nor I think he had to be 'mind reader' to know how to behave; he had to know (after 1,5 years) what you felt for your pet, and he shouldn't hide/neglect you when trouble/pain knocks at your door, and also, this has nothing to do with him being "not the most outwardly warm person" but rather being polite, with good manners, and... human.
And no, expecting his call/comfort for this is not 'falling into that co=dependent behavior'.
And you know what, with all respect for some MB rules (btw, they are not rules of 3D world and people out there don't understand always that 'language'), I could care less if I effectively or not express how hurt and dissapointed and angry I am...


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THTB,

First, let me say that I'm sorry for your loss. I'm a pet lover too and I greatly empathize. And I'm thankful that your biopsy came out OK.

I'm with the other posters on the common courtesy. I would not let a friend go through those situations without at least offering support or calling to see how things went.

That being said, I think that's typically they way women tend to respond. I'm learning that men, like animals, are rather simple creatures and respond well to some basic training. Many of them, even the good ones, have inherited the insensitive clod gene. It's the same mechanism that causes them to forget birthdays, anniversaries, and other important dates.

They really just don't think like we do. Talk to him and explain it to him in simple terms that he can understand. Like when his football team loses - he'd like someone to be there for him to lean on and console him. That should get his attention.

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I agree with both sides of the fence here.

Though in MHO, He's making it appear that he has little comforting skills.
Does he typically call you a couple of times a week or day? And it seemed to you that he was avoiding you?

After 1 1/2 years of dating he knows how attached you are to your dogs. I'm an animal lover and I'd be mortified if he didn't even call to say he felt bad for your loss and offer himself emotionally to you.

You have seen the red flags a few times now. Either spill your guts out in what emotional needs you have and what you expect from him or move on quietly. It just sounds like he can't give of himself emotionally. My WH is that way and you learn to walk alone or rely on those that do truly care about you and what's important to YOU...

Hugs and I'm sorry for the loss of your "special friend". Your other dogs probably brought more comfort than this guy....

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I agree with both sides of the fence here.

Though in MHO, He's making it appear that he has little comforting skills.
Does he typically call you a couple of times a week or day? And it seemed to you that he was avoiding you?

After 1 1/2 years of dating he knows how attached you are to your dogs. I'm an animal lover and I'd be mortified if he didn't even call to say he felt bad for your loss and offer himself emotionally to you.

You have seen the red flags a few times now. Either spill your guts out in what emotional needs you have and what you expect from him or move on quietly. It just sounds like he can't give of himself emotionally. My WH is that way and you learn to walk alone or rely on those that do truly care about you and what's important to YOU...

Hugs and I'm sorry for the loss of your "special friend". Your other dogs probably brought more comfort than this guy....

Thank you soooo much - I thought that I was crazy or maybe being just a little too sensitive. That's how I would behave during my marriage - I had a master manipulator for a husband - he would do something to hurt me terribly, and he would do his BEST to turn it around to make me feel like I've done something wrong to HIM - and eventually I would apologize to HIM - when in actuality I was due the apology. That's co-dependent behavior at it's best......

I've had a few days now to think through this entire scenario. You are so right - I AM moritified that he has disappeared off the face of the earth at a time when I needed him (for the THIRD time) and I think that I have every right to be moritified.......his reaction is inexcusable to me, for my needs. And, I really don't think that my needs are unreasonable.

You are right again, I must decide whether or not to walk alone or find others to rely on for support. Well, I've decided. I won't walk alone - I did that for 12 years of marriage - won't do it again. I want a PARTNER this time, in good times AND bad. I'm just so disappointed.

And yes, my other two dogs AND family AND friends were much more comforting to me than this "boyfriend" was......how sad.


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One more thought I had - believe it or not, I'm not a very needy person, but for goodness sake, do I have to spell it out for everyone that I meet, or date for over a year and a half?

Yes.
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I mean, do I have to explain to someone that "in times of stress, a phone call would be nice to show me that you care".

Yes.
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I mean, isn't that just doing what comes natural?

It depends on the person.
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You'd think that if you are in a long term relationship that the other person (whether man or woman) would sort of have an "idea" of what type of person you are?
Sure you could think that. Obviously, you do think that.

On the other hand, if you never mentioned that you were hurt when he didn't call after your breast biopsy, then it is going to be harder to realize that you also wanted him to call when you had your dog euthanized.

It is not wrong for you to want this. It is also not wrong to be hurt if he doesn't call you after your dog died, or after a major scare like your biopsy. But it is entirely possible that it never occured to him to call you. Because, as you so astutely observed, men and women are wired differently.

Tell him what you feel. Don't blame him, as others have posted, but do tell him. And for heaven's sake, tell him before the next time you have something happen that makes you want his emotional support.

Regards,
rs0522

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When you are in a long relationship like this you "agree" to meet each others needs.
You have the responsibility to communicate what your needs are. He may be more than happy to meet them -- but he has to know what they are. If you are feeling resentful, that is your responsibility. Don't let things go so far before you communicate. You should have expressed your disappointment the first time -- and maybe he would have come through for you those other times.

With that being said, your needs are not unreasonable.
Just the requirement that he know them without being told.

Its like a silent test he keeps failing. And you get more unhappy each time he fails. Then you could find yourself resentful --- and vulnerable to someone who does show empathy and nurturing.

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Sorry but I have to disagree here...unless this guy is a totally oblivious and hasn't emotionally aged beyond 5 years old, that asking his "girlfriend" how she is and if she needs anything would be a normal response.

Yes, there are needs that we need to tell a new partner but I would guess she has comforted him sometime in this R. Lending an ear or shoulder to a friend in need to me is a normal IMH. And really from what she's described it's like he avoided her, avoided giving emotionally. Amd if it never occured to him to call and check on her - then he is clueless and insensitive. Yes, it could be the way he was raised or his past R.

Maybe the best thing she could do is tell him how it made her feel and see how he reacts. Then decide if he's worth working on or so darn set in his ways that he'll never change.


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So, Laura, how does this man like to be treated in such circumstances? Do you know?

Well, I can think of several occasions when I've been supportive to him. His kid was flunking out of college, and I sat with him and discussed for hours with him how he should address it with his son.

When his daughter was having boyfriend troubles, we sat and talked about that (and how to cure all the earth's troubles" for hours.

So, he likes to talk about HIS problems, but apparently is not comfortable about being supportive of MINE.


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How often do you normally see each other? How often do you normally talk on the phone?

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