I do agree with this and like I mentioned,I hope she will talk to him sooner rather than later.I think it's best to address concerns in a relationship right away.She doesn't know how he really feels about her.In my view,it could be two options: he just doesn't have the compassion ( or skills) for her when she needs it at trying times or he's not into the relationship as much anymore so doesn't feel connected enough to show her a little sympathy.Maybe it's something entirely different.Until she talks to him,we won't know.

/quote]

We will all find out shortly. I stewed and stewed, and finally picked up the phone - apparently I was going to have to make the first move. OK, so I did it. The conversation was cordial, and he invited me to some friends house for football. I countered that I would prefer if he'd come here to watch the game - so that we could catch up and talk....

Formulating my words here carefully, and we'll see what the outcome shall be. During this last week, I did have the opportunity to think about what I do and don't want in a relationship, and I've figured out that I am not asking for the moon - so I feel pretty darn good and confident about the impending conversation.

Thanks all - I'll keep you posted.
Laura

Laura,

Stewing and stewing is a mistake.

That's my opinion. If you want your relationship to work, you MUST communicate your feelings - and for best effect, you should do so promptly. You have been avoiding the conflict. Now, after stewing, you are really angry (perhaps). If you had told him immediately (the first time this happened), it is quite likely that you would have gotten what you wanted the second time. But you have set up a "secret test" (there was a long thread about this here somewhere - I think on GQII). Almost nobody will pass a "secret test".

And... expecting somebody to call when you want to talk is just plain silly.

Your phone can dial out, can it not? If you want or need to talk to somebody, CALL HIM.

I appologize if the tone of my post seens hostile. I'm not really. <sigh>

From a man's point of view, it's just so frustrating dealing with somebody who won't tell you what they want, resents it when you don't give it to them, and expect you to call when they are the one who wants to talk.

grumbling as I go...

btw. I would definately have called if I were dating somebody (even for a couple of weeks) and they were going through any of these things.

-AD

I did call - I realized that stewing and stewing was going to get me nowhere, so I did pick up the phone....his phone dails out also - but apparently it mattered a bit more to me than it did to him....

Laura -- there you are making another assumption!
He may not even realize you are having this big conflict!

He may sense that you're moody or unhappy...but probably has no clue of the depth of your disappointment.
Just talk to him!

Laura, you would do well to refresh yourself on Harley's concepts on Disrespectful Judgements. This entire thread is full of them.

While you have every right (and reason) to be unhappy with your BF, you are making assumptions and judgements left and right, most of them negative.

I suspect (assume?) that he may be sensing your anger, but since you are not telling him what is bothering you (since you seem to believe that anyone should know what it is), he may be doing the same thing that most of us would do under the circumstances - focus on happier things in life and wait till the clouds clear and you will tell him what's on your mind.

Your stewing is not going to get you anywhere but to be single again. If that is what you want, why not just do it? If not, then why not try to get back to the Basic Concepts?

AGG

Man - this is one painful spanking!

I DID realize all on my own (see post above) that stewing was NOT going to get me anywhere - and I did make the initial phone call....

It's not meant to be a spanking - you asked for OBJECTIVE opinions in your title, not simply validating and cheerleading... Obviously some of them don't agree with your perspective, but believe me, it's meant to help you see other points of view, not to spank you.

You are right, you did make the phone call - but your anger, frustration, and ATTITUDE show through very clearly in your posts, and, I bet, are also very visible to your BF.

AGG

This situation reminds me of one my best friend was in.

She was VERY disappointed in some of her boyfriends actions.
When they went out, she expected a certain amount of consideration.

If her drink was low - she expected him to replace it, or at least ask if she'd like another. If he purchased another for himself without noticing her needs -- she got mad. Even if he wasn't anywhere near her.
When deciding on a restaurant, he was responsible if the menu wasn't to her liking (very fussy eater...)
If he didn't ask her to an event far enough in advance...
If he didn't recognize her kids birthdays...

None of these are "unreasonable". But he was constantly failing her tests. But if she would EVER have simply TOLD him how to handle those situations, this guy would NEVER have done the wrong thing again!
These things just didn't come naturally to him.

When the first event came by -- if she would have told him she was disappointed -- he could have done better the next time. He just didn't know. And she never said anything. So the next time, he did the same thing.

Eventually she was so angry (inside) and resentful that she was miserable to be around. He picked up all her vibes -- but had no idea what had gone wrong. He just figured she was **tchy. So he stopped calling.

And that was the end.

He is still in a big circle of our friends. But she is withdrawn. And offended that everyone isn't shunning him for his insensitive treatment of her.

nevermind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hello TrulyHappyToBe,

I haven't posted to you before as I'm generally over at GQII.

I can very much sympathise with your situation as I've been in the same boat (demanding partner(s), no kids, love my pets <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

I can't believe your BF doesn't think you are important.
It could be that he thinks you'd rather be alone when you are going through a bad time.
Just a thought - is it possible that HE thinks you don't WANT him around?
Please ask him gently.
That's really the only way to find out what his real motivation is behind his silence.
He might think he's hurt you somehow, not sure how, and is as afraid as you are to pick up the phone.
From the way you describe him he hardly sounds like an insensitive person.

I think you need to find out - putting your own emotional wiring (hurt from the past) aside as much as possible - what's really going on.

My experience is that we tend to choose the same sort of partners, repeating the same sort of problems, until we learn from that and change ourselves.
Most of our behavior stems from what we learned from our parents - and it's hard, but not impossible, to overcome any conditionings that we still carry with us because of problems there.
So I think a wonderful opportunity presents itself here to learn - how to deal with your own reactions in this situation.

Just my 2cents.
I hope you can have a good talk with your BF.

Brownhair (and everyone else) - you are all 100% correct that this situation is perfect for a lesson in communication - I couldn't agree more, and I welcomed the opportunity to do so as soon as possible. That's why I picked up the phone to initate contact with him, as it really was bugging me - and I understand that building resentments is no way to handle things. While I acknowledge that I'm in no way perfect in matters of the heart (unsuccessful marriage and all) I really am trying in my "post-divorce" dating life to learn......

Well, guess what all - I didn't get the opportunity to discuss these emotional needs of mine with him after all. I had posted that he agreed to come over on Sunday night to watch football. He told me that he would call me in a couple of hours because he had to make a few phone calls. The day before, he and some other youth football coaches had made "sort of" plans (his words, not mine) to meet at the local pub to watch the prime time game on Sunday evening. He was going to call these fellow coaches to tell them he wouldn't be meeting them. Well, a few hours later, he did call - from his cell phone - on his way to the pub to meet up with his coach buddies. He did extend an invitation to me to join them at the pub - but I declined. I mentioned that I was looking forward to spending some time with him alone, since we hadn't seen each other in a while, and he told me (in his words, not mine) that he had "promised them yesterday that they'd all meet for beers and football". It's safe to say that he had no intention to initiate contact with me prior to me calling him first, and I hope(?) I'm not jumping to incorrect conclusions - as he had his entire weekend planned out prior to my call, and seeing me was not in them.

So, one does not need to be a rocket scientist here to see in black and white that even AFTER I expressed an interest in seeing him - he didn't choose me. He chose a casual evening with his buddies.

I haven't heard from him since.

Again, I'm not perfect, but I'm not an idiot either. Would you all agree that this SCREAMS that I'm not high on his list??? Or, am I jumping to unfair judgements again (she says tongue-in-cheek)?

I'm thinking that I'm not that important to him.....

Heartbroken (for now) but life does go on.....

Laura

I get it. In my defense, I can describe myself as a pretty independent lady, I can get my own drinks - and pick my own restaurants. I do appreciate the story though, and I understand the spirit in which it was posted. I can honestly say that in the grand scheme of things, I am really not "needy" for the most part. I discovered through these life events that I guess I DO need a certain amount of emotional support. Some might say that I made a huge mistake in "expecting" compassion and support during such stressful times in my life, but I respectfully disagree. I think it should just come naturally. I cannot imagine having the discussion "you know what honey, when things get tough in life, I really am the type who would really enjoy a warm hug and a shoulder to lean on".

Hi Truly,

I still think you should have that talk..
Are you guys seeing each other every weekend?
Or is it pretty normal that he (and you) go your own way even on a weekend ?

Hi Laura,

I'm sorry things are going the way they are.It must be confusing as you seemed to have a good deal of regard for your BF in other areas.

I'm thinking that he is drawing away for some reason.You have been going out for over a year.Maybe you could,again
(gulp) ask to meet alone to talk about where things are headed and that you want to know how he really feels about the relationship? This is one of those opportunities to find out why things aren't going well,so as not to maybe make a similar mistake again or to find out how this guy is thinking.The altenative is to let the relationship evaporate and never know what really happened.I understand if you don't feel comfortable asking.Maybe you can muster up the strength.

I don't know.It's just that after reading here for a few years now,this type of scenario seems to show a disinterest in the relationship so one person usually withdraws,for whatever reason.He did invite you to come along but to me it's like after the fact,after he already told you he was going to tell them he wasn't going.Mixed messages?

Brownhair -

I too hope that eventually we will have a talk. Our paths will cross - we do run in the same social, church and neighborhood circles.

We would normally see each other only on weekends - as both of us are pretty busy during the week. And yes, there have been some weekends when we wouldn't see each other at all - due to conflicting schedules. The frequency in which we saw each other was just fine for me - and it still is. Would it be nice of we could fit more time together in? Yes, but it's not mandatory.

So, under normal circumstances, it wouldn't be unusual for us not to see each other for a few weeks, however, we DID at least catch up on the phone every few days. I am absolutely stumped as to why ever since the day I put my dog down, he seems to have "disappeared" from my life. Just the week prior to this "situation" - I had a nice birthday/engagement dinner with my BF, his daughter and his daughter's new fiance - all was right with the world.....

And, I'm equally stumped that even after I called, invited him out, and expressed my desire to see him that he still avoided me.

Something is not right - but until I have a chance to talk with him, we'll never know. I've reached out to him - what else can I possibly do???

Yes, it is most certainly confusing as all he**. And yes, I did (and still do) think highly of BF in other areas - he's a wonderful father, hard worker, sincere friend, community volunteer, etc. I had posted a long time ago that he was the "dorky guy" that I got fixed up with who turned into a "prince" in my eyes, and all was OK.

I can't for the life of me figure this situation out - and quite frankly, I'm spending way too much time thinking about this over the last two weeks, and that in itself is making me mad at myself - I'm starting to feel insecure - I'm doing the old reliable questioning of myself, i.e. what did I do wrong here? What should I do/say next? What should I,I,I ad nauseum.....And yes, you are right on - he did invite me to the pub to join he and his friends, but I instantly had the feeling in my gut that this was an after the fact invitation. Mixed messages? Yup.

I do so appreciate your input - it's been helpful. I'm not quite sure what will happen next....

He sounds like a conflict-avoider.

I suspect (an assumption on my part) that he may have picked up on your displeasure.

How did you react when he told you he was on his way to the pub? I'm guessing he knows he made the wrong choice and is trying to avoid dealing with it -- maybe you'll forget about it.

I've dated several men who think its better to "wait it out." When they know they've done something to make me unhappy or mad -- they will deliberately avoid me (thinking I will calm down or forget about it)
HA! that only makes me madder -- avoiding me!!

I put on my best happy voice and told him that we could get together some other time.....I voiced NO displeasure at all, purposely, so as not to give him an excuse not to call. Now, when I hung up the phone, I called him a few choice names, but that's another story - LOL! Also, it's most certainly not a good idea to try and have these big relationship conversations on the phone, especially when he's on his way to a good 'ole boy night of sports and beer with his buddies.....

I guess the ball's in his court.....

Truly,

since you asked for insight and objective opinions..
I still can't find any indication - objectively - that would lead me to think he's avoiding you.
He might really not have a clue.
You sound cheerful whenever you have contact with him - so how is he to know?

And yes - he might be a conflict avoider and whatever else.
Then again, it could also be a big misunderstanding and "different wiring" stuff.
I really couldn't tell from your account.

Please have your talk with him and don't get all worked up about it beforehand !

A little story...
I hope it'll make you smile.

A guy is driving in his car late one evening when one of his tires gets a flat.
When he realizes he doesn’t have a jack, he gets really upset.
In the distance, there is light at a farmhouse and the man decides to walk over there.
It’s quite a long distance to walk.
“Why do these things always happen to me?” he grumbles.
The road isn’t really good and his shoes and feet start to get all muddy and wet.
“That farmer should take better care of his roads, look at this mess,” the man grumbles.
A bit further down the road, the man begins to wonder if anyone is home at the farm.
“Sometimes people just leave on the light.. to scare of burglars. Imagine me walking all this distance just to be in front of a closed door! Why do people have to be so paranoid?”
Then it begins to rain.
“You’ll see.. if that farmer is home at all.. he’ll just look at how wet and grubby I look and shut the door in my face. But it’s HIS fault ! Why does he have to live so far from the road?”
Still a bit further down the road, he can now see the farm more clearly, but he is getting more and more frustrated as his feet start to hurt now.
“You’ll see.. he probably doesn’t even have a jack. He’ll look at me with a stupid grin and tell me sorry, no jack, no phone here either, can’t help you Mista!” Or maybe he won’t open the door to strangers. Damn farmers! Always so mistrusting!”
All worked up like that he finally reaches the door and rings the bell.
The farmer opens up the door, but before he can say anything, the man shouts:
“Forget about it! I don’t need your stupid jack!” turning around and walking back to his car.