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#1753715 10/04/06 02:15 AM
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[color:"purple"] [/color] Hello, my name is Jessica. I never thought I would say this but I am an audltress. I cheated on my husband. I still can't believe it. I have no excuss. I just wish it was bad dream.

We have two beautiful boys and in one night I could have ruined there lives. How selfish is that.

I want to save my marriage more than anything but I also want to protect myself. I guess I should have thought of that before I spread my legs.


I cheated on my husband at a get together with all our friends. With one of our friends. Lots of drinking was involved. God I wish I could blame it all on RUM!!!!! Why when your young and you screw up while drunk it's all okay. Oh I am just rambling. I have been trying to make it right at home all week.

He has asked me questions and I have answered them to the best of my ability. He dosen't want to hear that I was drunk and don't know why I did it. But god help me I was drunk and don't know why I DID IT.

My husband is a good man. We had a pretty normal(yeah I know what it that)relationship. Ups and downs. My big thing to get us threw anything was we have each other. I don't know if there is some deep down reason. I found the other guy apealing in the I want to save him kind of way. We ahd alwas flirted with each other. My husband is a flirt as well. It never bothered either of us. We both new what was what. I thought we where indestruckable. I was so wrong.

I guess I don't really have a question. I was wrong and I want to make it right. I also want to help him understand that it wasn't anything he did or didn't do. It was not his fault it was 100% me.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Jessica, welcome to this board. You've found the right place for help and advice. Underneath are some threads you will find very helpful - threads that will give you a very good start (just click on the links):

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Tools for the Wayward Spouse

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Last edited by EMR; 10/04/06 06:24 AM.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I honestly don't know what to say. I see the pain in my husbands eyes because he does know. He thinks about nothing eles. It has only been 10 days. So does the old addage "what you don't know can't hurt you" apply. I'm not sure. I think if I would have got away with my affair it would have ruined me. Now I have hurt the one person I love the most. In the end for me it's better that he know. You had a completely different story than mine. We still ended up in the same place so how we got here dosen't really matter. Good luck.

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You need to give your H the assurance that this will not happen again.

NEVER drink alcohol again. Start there.

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What you don't know will definitely hurt you! If you couldn't read and drank from a bottle of antifreese (very sweet) it would most likely kill you. It is best he know and best that you practice the Policy of Radical Honesty (PORH) and Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Keep reading an posting, that antime along wioth your patience and understanding of your Hs issues with your A and how he feels will get you through.

Good Luck!


"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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As RESPECTFUL says:

SWEAR OFF THE ALCOHOL, and that type of social environment. Your H’s mind is mush right now. Emotions will come from every angle and at all different times, for a long time. Dive head first into “Surviving an Affair”, ask him to read it with you, out loud. He needs to see that you mean business. You can tell him you are sorry and that it wont happen again for the rest of your life and it wont do a bit of good if you don’t follow it up with extreme action.

Let him know you are posting here. Ask him to come here; he will see that although an affair is devastating, yours is one many here would take over what they have any day. He basically has the lesser of many evils. Not to minimize your situation, I know this is killing him.

I would much rather my W had a ONS while she was drunk then what she did. Many others here would love to have a WS showing the remorse you are showing. MY W has extreme remorse (which I thank God for) but her A was 9 months of sober sex, lies, warm emotions, hundreds of emails, etc. We are recovering quite nicely from our situation, albiet, we have a long way to go. If your H would come here he would read others posts and see that it could be worse.

He is living in his own he** right now as I’m sure you are too. One thing we all share here, we are all living our own he** regardless of others situations but knowing you/he are not alone is very comforting and healing.

God Bless…

2LLP


BS(me)-41
FWS(wife)-39
D-11
D-13
S-15
Dday-1 10/05/05
Dday-2 06/02/06
Dday-3 07/14/06
Married - 17 years, together 23
My story - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=1&PHPSESSID=
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Thank you. I did swear of the alcohol. I did tell him that I joined a MB. I should invite him to read my posts? You are so right about telling him I'll never do it again. How is he suppose to beleive anything I say at this point. I am new to this site. Is "Surving an Affair" a book I can pick up at Barnes and Nobles or is something I need to order off theis site?

Thanks again.

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Hi this is karebear, 2LLP's W, Surviving an Affair is a book and you should be able to get it at Barnes and Nobles, however we picked ours up at Lemstones Christian Store, I'm pretty sure you could get it at any book store and it is a must when you are dealing with Recovery, it has helped us understand some things we may not have given any thoughts to. Another good one is His Needs Her Needs that we are reading right now and are enjoying the conversation that it sparks between us.
God Bless you and try to bring your H to MB if you can, he really would take notice that he is dealing with one of the lesser evils in your situation and maybe it will help him heal with you.

God Bless and best wishes
KB


FWW(me)-39 BS - 41 D-11 D-13 S-15 Dday-1 10/05/05 Dday-2 06/02/06 Dday-3 07/14/06 Married - 17 years, together 23 My story - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3095358
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Thank you.

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Your welcome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


FWW(me)-39 BS - 41 D-11 D-13 S-15 Dday-1 10/05/05 Dday-2 06/02/06 Dday-3 07/14/06 Married - 17 years, together 23 My story - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3095358
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Okay so I did invite him to come to this page. He said no. I told him that he could read anything that I wrote and told him that I was logged on all the time. Am I doing this right? I don't want to push him when he isn't ready.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I know that it's worth the effort in the end. Regardless of the out come. I have to try to make things right. I love him and our family.

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Ask him if he will come here and talk to other people who have been through the same thing on HIS OWN THREAD. We can help him get through this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Well here I am. I have read all of my wifes posts and I feel a bit misrepresented. First off I am no stranger to the internet and forums such as this. That being said, I do not dicount forums such as this, but I question some of the validity of the advice given. As an example, my wife has told her side, but the sad fact is that even with my side, the truth falls somewhere in between. Life is always so much more complicated that what you can express in the written word. How can anyone possibly give, let alone take, advice based on such as this?

However, to contradict my initial feelings, I will tell some of my story. I will use this thread as I am not interested in starting my own. I am a victim, moreso my childeren are victims and I think that any pitty ganrnered should be directed toward them, not me.

First off, facts I think important:
This is my second marriage. My first wife also cheated on me... 7 times! I was in the military and I took her back each time. Thats right, I causht her 7 times and took her back each time. I finally couldn't handle it anymore and left.

Jess and I met a couple years after that. One of the first things she said to me, was that she hated liars and cheaters. Considering my past, this was a major attraction for me. We were married 2 years later. In the beggining I was not very honest with her about my first wife and we went through alot becasue of that. We came through stronger for it.

I am a huge flirt. I know here to be as well. Through our relationship, we have pushed each others boundries, but we have done so in respectful ways to gauge what we can, and can't do. I am much more accepting of things than she is.

The "guy" was a friend of mine. He was a guy I bonded with BECAUSE his girlfriend of a couple years cheated on him and I empathyzed with him.

now, My short story:
I actually caught Jessica doing this. I mean, I walked into the room she was in after it was over. I listened outside the door as they talked for about 15 minutes and gave them both just enough room that there would be no wiggleing out. When I walked in, there was also some very damning evidence. While listening outside the door, I heard them kiss.

When I confronted her, she denied everything at first. It took 2 hours for her to admit to "fooling around" and 24 hours of straight deniles before she admited the sex. I told her the whole time that I could even tell her how and where they did it becasue of everything I heard and saw when I walked in.

Yet through all this, I do love her. She has bettered my life 100 fold! I know that I could walk out the door today, and be dating some 20+ year old woman in an instant. I know that I can live without her. I know that I can raise my childeren without her. I know that I would be ok with out her. I just don't want to.

I think this is very much harder than my first wife. However, becasue of my first wife I don't know if I can ever move past this. I think she (Jess) is still being dishonest about things. I am so tired of hearing "I don't know" "I don't remember" "I'm sorry".... All of it is so empty that it just reminds me of the hurt and makes it so fresh that I just want to pull my hair (or hers) out with frustration...

The most hurtful thing is that I have truly loved 3 women in my life time... 1 highschool GF(puppylove I know), my first wife, and Jess... all 3 of them cheated on me.... So at this point, I have to assume that no matter what I have going for me, there is something wrong with me or what I am doing.

Anyway.... I wanted Jess to know, that I have read her stuff, and I also wanted to represent myself. I am not a perfect person, I have my faults, but I am not a cheater. Regaurdless of what happens from here, my life and those of my childeren, are changed forever.....


It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt... ~Sun Tsu
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Hi Vash, thanks for coming here and talking to us. There are many of us here who have been through what you are going through and now have great marriages. Some of us contributed to the sorry state of our marriages that made them vulnerable and some didn't.

For me, I have dealt with affairs in my current and former marriage. In the case of the former, I very much contributed to the conditions that made my marriage bad. In my current marriage, I DID NOT. That being said, I have learned how to have a GREAT marriage and how to AFFAIR PROOF my marriage.

You can learn this too, if you want the help. Your W certainly seems very willing to work on your marriage, so tehre is no reason you can't have a great marriage.

Have you ended all contact with this "friend?" Is he gone forever?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hello Vash, welcome to MB. I can certainly understand your POV after being cheated on by your former wife as well. I am very sorry for the pain you and your children are suffering.

One thing I CAN tell you that Dr. Harley knows marriages. Give it a chance if you will and read one of his books. I highly recommend His Needs/Her Needs.
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I am a huge flirt. I know here to be as well. Through our relationship, we have pushed each others boundries, but we have done so in respectful ways to gauge what we can, and can't do. I am much more accepting of things than she is
Flirting is dangerous for a married person IMHO. You are asking for problems. You and your W both need to stop doing this, it is destructive and disrespectful to your marriage.
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I actually caught Jessica doing this. I mean, I walked into the room she was in after it was over. I listened outside the door as they talked for about 15 minutes and gave them both just enough room that there would be no wiggleing out. When I walked in, there was also some very damning evidence. While listening outside the door, I heard them kiss.

When I confronted her, she denied everything at first. It took 2 hours for her to admit to "fooling around" and 24 hours of straight deniles before she admited the sex. I told her the whole time that I could even tell her how and where they did it becasue of everything I heard and saw when I walked in.
Well the good part is you KNOW. The bad part is she lied to cover her *ss which is typical. It sounds like you feel she is still not forthcoming. Have you two considered counseling?
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Yet through all this, I do love her. She has bettered my life 100 fold! I know that I could walk out the door today, and be dating some 20+ year old woman in an instant. I know that I can live without her. I know that I can raise my childeren without her. I know that I would be ok with out her. I just don't want to.
This is good. You love but you don't need her. That means you should be able to deal with this with love and strength something many of us BS lack.

Yes, you are right your lives are changed forever. Are you up for working through this and building a better marriage?

Thanks for posting and giving us your side. I do hope you stick around.

God bless.


Faith

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Hi Vash,

Welcome to the forum.

My initial impression after reading your wifes posts was that the main problems have been boundary related with specific emphasis on social situations that are not protective of your marriage.

Your post confirms this suspicion.

Your current situation shares a lot of elements with mine...at least on the surface.

Hopefully you will stick around and get to know some of the community better...we are not pros by any stretch of the imagination...just people who have recovered or are recovering from circumstances that are specific and related and not societally well understood.

There are things that you can do to protect your marriage in the future should you decide to attempt recovery.

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So very sorry to see your need to be here. I have been cheated on by my ex wife and my fiancee. I know your pain. The first thing you need to do is to decide if you want to be married to a woman that could do this to you with anyone... let alone with your friend and in your house. Those are two very disrespectful things that she did and would be very difficult to forgive under the best of circumstances.... but given your history, it may be even more difficult to stay married to an admitted cheater.

There is something in you that allowed you to stay with your first wife after all of those betrayals. It is not healthy for you to have done that and I think you would do well to get some IC before making any decisions about your current M. You need to learn skills that will allow you to take better care of yourself.

Your W needs to come clean about everything right now. Tonight. She cheated on you... she doesn't have the right to be so disrespectful that she will now compound that cheating with lies. If you suspect she is not telling you the truth... most likely she isn't. Do not tolerate anything less than 100% honesty.

Make sure ALL contact with the j-off has ended. Your W is to NEVER have any more contact with him.

I know you love your W. Find the answers to what has made you tick and then figure out if you can still save your M. I wish you both well.

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Well I'm glad to see he read some of my posts. I see him trying everyday. I know right now he is doing it for our kids. It still gives me hope. He is correct about the fact that I lied when first caught.

I was acting like a child. I was thinking that he new I would never do anything like that and beleive the lies. I wanted them to be true so badly. I hate what I did. My husband is a very wonderful man who gives a lot. We have had our problems but we where stronger because of them. He had nothing to do with this.

So we'll see where it takes us. I a mbeing honest with him now. I guess it just takes time to beleive in the cheater again.

Yes we have cut off all contact with OM. I am not sure if I'll run into him at work. I hope not. If I do I'll tell My H right away and remove myself from the situation.

Thanks.

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I wish my WW would have had half the response that you did. No, mine instead justified everything she did and then left me. She is still out there, technically having an affair right now with a guy she met after she moved out. She doesn't act remorseful in the least.

Give him your love. Be sincere with it; he will believe.


M - 01-01-03 BS (me) - 29 FWXW (her) - 25 D-Day - 05-19-06 DS - 2 1/2 years Divorced
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