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Bryanp,
I don't know how to explain my actions to my husband so I can not explain them to you.
I worked hard to get my H to feel safe and secure in our relationship in a ton of ways. His ex did a great disservice to him and a few others.
I have never in my life done anything even close to this discusting. I am ashamed of myself and my actions. I am working hard to find answers in myself for what I did.
I did not do this to my H for an exit affair. I'm sorry that you did not have a healthy ending to your M. I'm sorry that your W cheated on you. I am truely sorry that you two could not work it out.
I am not the devil. I am a good parent and a good person. I was a good wife until 23 days ago. I am learning to be a good wife again. I have issues that I didn't know I had. I am going to work on them with my H and a professional.
The love I have for my H never faltured. He is the rock in my life. He is one of the best people I know. What I did was so awful. I will not be compared to his ex. Not by him or you.
She is evil. Not because she had mutiple affairs. She is just wired wrong. My H will tell you that.She has done other things to him that took me longer to help him over come than the affairs.
The way I helped him over come the pain she left in himis the same way I hope to help him over come the pain I have caused him. With hard work, time, love, and patience. What I did will take longer to help him over come but weather we stat together or not I will help him threw.
Jess
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,457
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I wish you luck. It is clear that you are trying very hard. Your description of his ex-wife sounds exactly like my ex-wife. The sad part is that even after you leave them for your own health the damage still remains and you end up still being one of the walking wounded.
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Joined: Oct 2006
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Thank you for your wishes of luck. I do hope that you are not going to be one of the "walking wounder" for long. I wish you luck as well in your recovery.
Jess
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WVG2:
Emotional Needs are more interesting once you get into reading HNHN doesn't it? And never order them in the order that you think your spouse would like to see them. No real point in that.
HNHN and the EN's led us to the recovery that we needed in our M.
Read the book. Do the questionaires. Do them for yourself. Do them for Vash, but do not show them to him and do not compare them to his answers the first time. When you complete one for your spouse, you might be right, or you might be wrong, but it is only your perception of what you feel the spouse feels is important.
You can ask Vash to participate in your reading of HNHN, and you can ask him to discuss the principles in the book. You can even get the CD and listen to it on the CD player with him, or in the car when you take a trip somewhere. Opens up alot of opportunity for discussion of the principles contained. BUT, and this is a very big BUT, Do not pressure Vash to do these things with you. He is the BS and he might not want to do it, right now. (Most WS never get HNHN, so you are way ahead.) (And I think Vash has read HNHN). Ask, and then do your thing with them. If you do the reading and the learning, you will start to find out happened and what went wrong in your M. Vash will come around to work with you as you grow.
Reading your EN's made me remember when my BS and worked through them. And how we talked about some of the needs and how we had missed the mark for many years in some of these areas. And how we had tried to meet EN's for the other, but they were the ones we THOUGHT the other needed. And in hindsight, even though you did not know about the concept of EN, how easy it was too know what your spouses EN's were and when in an argument, you could stick a knife in to them. You knew you were hurting the other person, hey, they were hurting you!
I'm so glad to be getting out of that loop.
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Joined: Oct 2006
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Lousygolfer,
It is a wonderful thing to understand what you are answering. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why Mr.Vash felt like I was attacking him. I wasn't trying to. I just hadn't read the book and didn't understand what was need of me.
I am just so glad to have found this place. It has helped me more than I ever expected. I also have an appointment next week with a Pshcologist. I need some help finding the "why".
Thank you.
Jess
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Joined: Nov 2006
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Mortarman: Your posts really help me...I truly appreciate the insight...it gives me something to hang on to. Here are a couple of interesting things regarding “emotional needs”.
First, often times spouse’s most important needs are the same ones that are being met the least. This means that emotional needs change with the landscape. The reality is that they all have importance but perhaps at different times they will rise or fall in your list. For instance, you list sexual fulfillment far down on your list, but go without it for a month or so and it might climb to the top.
Second, don’t be surprised if his list is almost the inverse of yours; Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
He most likely tells you he wants a divorce because he is testing your level of commitment to “stay the course” in the marriage. Perhaps he is unsure that you really want to recover, as he does not know what you are thinking or if he can measure up to the other man. He may feel that it is grossly unfair to not only be betrayed by the one he loves but then to have work at recovering from something he did not cause. He doesn’t’ want to be second choice or even first choice; the fact that he is a choice at all is depressing in of itself. Anger, resentment and bitterness will all surface as he processes what has happened. He most certainly wants to know that you are committed to recover before he makes such a commitment in order avoid further insult and disappointment. Your words are not enough and your actions take time to prove themselves out, so he tests your commitment by offering you a “way out”. He may “cut his nose to spite his face” and you may do your relationship a service if remain guarded to watch and not permit him to take this way out. It is easy to feel defeated but I urge you to fight against it.
I told my wife on many occasions to “pack your bags and leave me to my pain”. It was her insistence to flatly state, “I’m not going anywhere and neither are you”, that won me over. She made that her mantra and after some time I learned that she really meant it. Then I let go of the lingering resentment and I really began to feel better. Two years latter it still pops up from time to time but it is manageable and continues to improve.
I hope this helps you,
Mr. G
The good Lord gave you a body that can withstand most anything, it's your mind you have to convince.
Vince Lombardi
Me FWS 39 yrs old now 41
Husband BS 33 years old will be 35
Two great kids 21 and 19
Marriage 12 years Now 13 years will be 14 in October
Together for 17 years
D-Day 10-23-2006
Marriage Recovering
Keep us in your prayers
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