Honey, my H lied, lied and lied some more so he could stay home with me but still see her and later OC. He knew for quite a while where he WANTED to be but his addiction and the persistance from the OW were quite the draw. You are getting some great stuff from TH and a perspective into your H's head which we all want at times. So, do you want to continue fighting for your marriage?

He thinks he is protecting you by hiding this nonsence.
That, and deep down inside, he is ashamed.


Tell him thier is a much more effective way to show that he doesn't want her. It's called a NO CONTACT letter! It's COLD TURKEY BABY! Thats it, that what it takes to start the repair of the M.

The sole reason he wants to say "goodbye" in person is to "soften the blow". He also wants a PLAN B if you don't work out or are not willing to accept him. Reasure him that with FULL commitment to the M, that this "RISK" will be rewarded.


Humm, not sure if I buy into this one. From your Female perspective I can see why you might feel this way, but not so quick to think that your H's silence equal "I don't care". I'm pretty sure that in his mind, the fact that he is at home should "Show you that he cares and wants to be with you".

TH

Please, take TH's earlier advice and protect your finances. File for a legal separation and file for CS for your children. You could end up on the MAJOR short end of the stick if you wait until after the OC is born and she files. Since money is tight, you really should consider doing this. It is not a divorce, it doesn't have to "change" your M. It is a strategic move to protect money that should be going to your children.

COL,

This would be a show of strenght as well. You want him to see you as strong. That you can make it without him.

If he challeges this. Tell him, that you love him and RESPECT him, but you also know his head is up his butt! That you too have a DUTY to protect your family. Then give him a big hugg. :-)

TH

So if I waited to leave until after the OC is born and she files for CS first she will end up getting alot more? How does that work? I looked up some info online and I read that certian states don't do legal seperation and our state is one of them... So I wrote to a lawyer today to see if I could either get some advise or get an appointment for advise.. He says he would give me more thatn enough money if I leave but if he is bitter who knows if he would... Damn I hate this. He is of course ignoring me tonight so what's new... Anyway, thanks for all of the advise.

He wont have a choice if you file, and if he may have the good intent on doing so but if she files first he might not have enough to give you what he wants

Yes they go by who files first who gets the most, if she files first she gets the most, unfair I know but you will be alot better off filing first and her getting the short end of the stick.

I was shocked you found that your state dont allow legal seperation, but I think I know what you mean now states call them different, yours could be just seperation, or seperation maintence.

I can tell you from my sisters experience right now in pennsylvania there is no such thing as a leagal seperation, you either file for divorce or not. I think if you can prove you are maintaing two seperate homes you may be able to file for cs though.

Ok, so what if I filed for seperation or divorce and later we reconciled whould she still get the same amount or would she get more if we were back together? I'm even more confused now.. I did contact a lawyer and I am going to try to go talk to him on Monday. What is kinda scary now is that I told my H about this legal seperation stuff and he said it might look better if we were seperated or even divorced in the since that he wouldn't geet in as much trouble from the military if he can say we are legally seperated or divorced. He is now thinking that he would hate to see me get cheated out if I do decide to leave later. He says he would rather have me taken better care of so he thinks maybe we should even get divorced but still stay here together until after things settle down then get remarried... I'm so comfused. I PRAY this baby is not his. If it is I will take as good of care of it as I would my own ( I know it's not the babys fault) but I would hate to see her benefit more then I would if I leave later. It's not about me getting more money, it's just that I don't want ther to have more money.. If we have joint custody that baby will be spoiled by us when he is here. We would buy him whatever he needs just like we do our own kids. If she can't afford it then I wish ther was a way for us to get custody... I know she wold never agree to that... Anyway, now I am rambling on. Can anyone tell me through experience what is the best step financially to take. How do I protect myself? I will ley you all know what the lawyer says later... Have a nice day....

COL,

You ask some good questions. It is time to talk with a lawyer. It seems to me that laws vary considerable from state to state.

Get signed up for a legal protection plan. It will save you money in the long haul.

I would take your H with you. When the W and I went to the lawyer, it had a pretty powerfull effect on me. I thought "what the 'blank' have I done". It was sobering.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best!

Is sounds like your H is still at home? Have you read about the Plan A/B like Jenny sugested?

TH

Ok I saw the lawyer today. He said in the long run it won't make too much of a difference in the amounts of money we each get for child support. We talked about how she actually has to file for support before it can start being paid and stuff, then I thought about how she told me she never filed for support for her other kids and I am hoping she will be able to come to a legal written agreement between her and my H if it really is his child.. I'm just so tired of all of this. I came home and told him I am going to stand by him no matter what happens. If he get punished at work then so be it. We will work together to rebuild our lives. No more games.. I told him I want to be involved in every aspect of the OC's life if that is what he wants but he is to have no contact with her until after DNA test and he iss not to talk alone or be alone with her even after OC is born. He agrees. I hope this works. I just want to try to start putting some of this behind us now. I do love him and I know he loves me so we will give it our best shot... Thanks for all of your advise. I hope my plan works....

COL,

I am happy to see that you two have come to some agreeable terms.

BUT........

As a former President Reagan used to say:

"Trust, but Verify!" I would not be obsessive about it, but anything that "just doesnt sound right" should be checked out. More likely than not, your instint will be correct.
After about 3 months of solid No-Contact, I would think that most of the FOG should have lifted.

TH

There is no solid NC because they still see eachother at work. She makes a point every day to go into his shop and talk to her girlfriend. I know she only does this so she can see my H.. There is nothing I can do about that. Inside I feel like he might still be seeing her but I don't know for sure and I have no way to really find out. I would definately like to go by his work late when he is supposed to be getting off but I can be dragging my children out at night like a crazy woman. I do feel like last week when I found out he went to her house and he said he was there, parked outside but never went in, that he probably did go in and he probably did see her but how would I know? He would NEVER admit it... I am praying that we get orders to get out of this town but even then I hope I can trust him one day. I took my son out to get his shots today and on the way home from base I started to cry thinking of what a long drive it was back to town and he had all that time to think about what he was doing every night when he was going to her house. He had that long drive to think and realize what he was doing. It really breaks my heart. I have never felt pain like this in my life. I do hope he is being truthful to me because I have given him plenty of chances to go be with her and he insists that's not what he wants..I'm not sure he is good enough for me anymore and I hope I can feel differently later but for now I guess I will try to keep my sanity and keep my family together. I hope he will not hurt me again... I really wish I had a way to get him to tell me the truth if he is still seeing her.. Anyway, I will be going for now. Until Next time.........

COL,

I was never in the military so this is why I am asking:

How much trouble would your H get in if things were exposed?

Are we talking prison, reduction in rank or ???????

I hate to be there bearer of bad news, but if he has ANY contact with OW, he is not to be trusted. The temptation/guilt at this stage I feel would be OVERWELMING.

I admire you for trying to keep your family together.

Did you have any luck with the Love/Respect notes?

TH

No prison but it could affect his promotion ability. What gets me is that she stated that his shop personnel know the OW is pregnant with his baby??? What is his chain of command doing?? I don't know which branch his is in but if she went to his Commander or First SGT they would separate the two and order them to have no contact. Then if they did contact they would be brought up on charges of Failure to obey a direct order. This is a double edged sword because she is entitled to half his retirement and if he gets kicked out she gets nothing.

Ok, he is in the Air Force and they are trying to get rid of a lot of people right now so there is no telling what they will do. The OW has been in trouble for this before and she had loss of pay, suspended rank reduction and extra duty but now things might be different since they are looking for excuses to get rid of people. If he gets rank reduction he will not have a chance to make rank in time to stay in. He has been in for almost ten years and is an E-5 so if they make him an E-4 he will have to get out when he reaches his 10 year mark. He is a very well liked and respected person though and I think alot of people would stick up for him in order for him not to get kicked out. It would really depend on his commander it will all be up to him. She however I would hope wouldn't get another chance since she has already been in trouble for cheating on her H when she was married. People in his shop don't know that it is his baby yet but he said that he thinks alot of them assume it is his... I know she has a couple friends that know so there is no telling how many people actually know for sure... I wish there was some way for me to have them seperated without getting him in trouble... I can't believe I feel that way especially since I realize its his mistake and he needs to accept his punishment.. Well, I don't know... Maybe I will be moving on to plan B soon... I'll keep you posted..