FL

Why is your relationship with yourfamily predicated on your husband's joining in?

Squid has maintained a close relationship with any member of her family that she has chosen too all our marriage, regardless of my feelings about them. And that is as it should be IMO.

Does your H insist that you don't see your relatives, although you want to ? Or do you feel that your H's clear avoidance of your family is embarassing to you ?

As an aside since her Mom's death last year, Squids family has fallen completely apart - the most unpopular ones having emigrated to Spain, and the others just spread to the four winds.

Squid was absoliutely heartbroken at the time, as she has leaned hard on her family ( perhaps as a result of her upbringing) but she said in conversation last week that she actually feels free of concern about the ones who have gone dark.

Fl, IMO you have a RIGHT, but not an obligation to maintain the relationship to desire with your family. Its not really any of yor H's business as long as your relationship with your family doesn't tangibly hurt him.

Bob,

My relationship is not predicated on DH joining in.

He is not insisting that I don't see them. H's avoidance (and yes it is VERY CLEAR) is not an embarshment, but it does hurt.

my family does not bad mouth him, so no pressure on that side either. although both sisters have said how they miss me.

I don't know how to further explain.

knowing how much he hates them, makes it hard for me to have any contact with them. i don't want to hide any contact and it is very uncomfortable just saying any of my siblings names outloud.

we have a community gym across from our house that my family in the past has rented at xmas to have our party there. my one sister asked if we could have it there this year, she wants to host the party but her appt is too small. in the past, on years she has hosted, we have had it there. DH is not comfortable having them across the street from our house. i choose to lie to my sister to say that date was unavailable. now she wants me to figure out if a different date is available. i'll have to tell lie to her again.

and i don't really even care.

i'm so isolated from my family right now, what's the difference.

i am seeing my mom this weekend, taking her to the lake house because DH is going out of town. he knows she is going, he is ok with that.

knowing how much he hates them, makes it hard for me to have any contact with them

Why ? He doesn't stop you - he hasn't told you he wants you NOT to maintain a relationship with yourfamily. Are you being oversensitive by proxy for your H ?

If I may add my 2 cents for what it's worth, I am with Alph on this one. My marriage did not recover and we are divorced but I would not have anything to do with her parents or idiot friends at any time PARTICULARLY if I told them my heartfelt feelings in a letter and all they can do is shrug their shoulders. This is downright pride, stubborness, cowardness and immorality at its worst. If on the other hand they were remorseful, repentant, sorry and truly learned something from all of this then I could possible see myself making amends in the future. It's their choice you see because THEY were wrong to have supported, enabled, hid, encouraged, been complacent, justified the Affair. Unacceptable!

Finally,
The way I see it is that your family and friends could go a long way to healing this situation by doing the right thing (as you have done!) and owning their actions

yes, i am definitely being oversensitive.

but this stress is not all my fault. i don't know how to walk the line and he does not give me guidence as to what he needs. and he is not very consistent. like the above example about the xmas party. i still have to figure out how to make that work. on the good side, we did talk a little more about it. i don't want to do something that will make him unhappy.

i'm trying!!

Hope and Pray, my DH has not tried to communcate any of his feelings with anyone, no one has shrug their shoulders at him. nor have they made any initiative to take the first step.

i've considered asking them to initiate something, but i'm not sure if that is a good idea.

Sorry, Finally...I mistook APHLEION as being your BH (I should read a little more before responding).

Still my point is valid. It is the responsibility of the people in the wrong to do the right thing! Your parents, friends, etc are responsible for approaching, writing or otherwise communicating to your BH their remorse (if its real and exists)and their desire to try and rekindle a relationship with him (it's ultimately his choice though). I think you asking them to do this and doing it within the framework of admitting that you were wrong to have an affair irregardless of anything that he didn't or did do in the M and explaining that you are owning your actions. That while you leaned on, appreciated, craved, desired their "help" (I don't call it that) to support the A and or you while in the midst of it that you now are no longer blind and you want them to join you in reconciliation with your BH. Just my 2 cents