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Joined: Oct 2006
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My hubby and I gotten married when he was 19 and I was 18. We are very mature for our ages. He's in the military, and is usually gone. I was a stay-at-home mom the first four months, and I was always there when he needed, tended to his every need and really was placing myself on the back burner. Before we were married, we were happy despite the drama that persisted. Everything was okay for that first three months, until they announced the date that he was to be deployed to Iraq. He considered me naieve and lazy and immature and depressed. I admit, I was depressed because we were VERY far from my hometown, but I knew I was in good hands. We had some problems before leaving Northern New York, but they were squashed before I went back to Memphis, TN. When he was deployed, I was doing okay while living with my mom and caring for our two children...until he came home for R&R. While he was there, he had major drama with his mom and he was going through post-war stress (always looking over his shoulder when he was driving and walking around open spaces) and despite that, I was always by his side. After he left, my mama gotten fired from her job of 11 years and she needed financial help. With the bank account that I had, while my husban deposited money in, I helped her. The thing that I did wrong was not telling him. After I realized what I had done, I gotten so depressed that I had to be on anti-depressants for a while. After a while, I moved back to New York State with base housing. He came home a month after I moved up here..sadly to a barely furnished house. He was okay for about two weeks, then that's when I've recieved harsh words about the harm that I placed my family in, the irresponsibility of money management, the slow pace I was moving in trying to get into school and working, the way that I dressed, the kind of clothes that I wear, how I grocery shop, how I take care of our children...pretty much everything that I did or do. After a month being back, he decided to send me back to Memphis with seperation papers, but didn't follow through.

Fast forward to the recent situation that happened Friday. I was home alone and my intuition told me to look into his email. There was a letter to another female that said that he enjoyed her being around him and loves waking up next to her. Red flags instantly flew up. He was gone with his friend to drop him off at the airpotr, a comrade buddy that I know. Twoo days later, he came back, and was checking up on us. I was talking to my male brother-friend of 5 years about the whole situation online. I had called my husband some really bad names, and hubby read my IM. He was instantly mad. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Memphis while he was having what I call a "****** fit". When I gotten off the phone, he was wondering why did I do such a thing and I told him that I thought he was cheating. He flew off the handle, yelling, calling me bad names, and said **** you and stay away from me. I'm calm in the whole situation because where I came from, when a man is accused of cheating and he flies off the handle, that means he's 100% guilty. He actually went through my IM conversation trying to catch me doing wrong! I admit, I was pretty angry at him and said some nasty things to a male friend. He's already feeling like I'm at fault for everything in his life, so this is just the icing on the cake. Then he calmed down a bit and asked me what proof that I had that he's cheating, and i pulled up the letter. He started laughing about it. Cheating isn't funny to me. He was telling me that I had competition out there, and he thinks this marriage is a mistake.

If I have a chance with this matter, let me know. I apologized to him about the hurtful things that I said to my friend, but he doesn't believe me. If there is hope, where is it? There is so much I can take.


Love, Soul Sistah
Joined: Mar 2006
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This "man" doesn't sound like someone who loves and respects you. I don't think anyone should even get into a relationship with someone who "flies off the handle" and calls them names. Although your children love their dad, it's probably best that they see both of you separately. Your children's future and future relationships are very likely going to be negatively affected by your volatile and unpredictable relationship with him.

Question: How would you feel if your husband said the things he's said to you, to your kids? You wouldn't put up with it would you? Why do you think so much less of yourself that you would put up with it?

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Update: Yesterday, he came home, told me that he wanted a divorce because of the accumulating things that I've done. I'm still calm (hurt yet calm). He isn't yelling, isn't fussing, and looks really hurt himself. I already felt that I wasn't a good wife to him, or much a wife at all, so all I know is that this morning, he's going to JAG to get a request to divorce. We've made a pat that we will have joint custody of the children. This first year has been pretty long. We, luckily, have a calm head about that, yet I can confess we still love and in love with each other. This divorce shouldn't be happening. Dr. Phil had said that if you don't feel anything while saying that you want a divorce, you're ready for a divorce. I was near tears and he was as well. Counseling is out of the question, so there is no other choice. I've heard of a Plan A/B on this website and I'm reading on it.

I gotta go. I have to start getting ready for work.


Love, Soul Sistah
Joined: Mar 2004
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You should download the EN questionaire and the LB questionaire. As he was as upset as you he will probably do them with you. This way will give you guys a chance to see what your needs are to feel loved and the level of your needs that make you both feel unloved. If he feels unloved and doesn't realise it, he will trivialise his "taking" behaviour. Embarassment makes a lot of men who are "caught out" laugh. It is a sign of guilt to be sure.

If you can unlock what makes him feel unloved and what his emotionla needs (that make him feel loved) are, you have amazing tools.

You should both accept each other's findings and agree to do what the other needs in a way that will work for both of you. This is a start, you can follow on from there if he cooperates, it won't cost you a penny and you can both gradually rebuild your marriage. It is possible.

Ask him today,

Linda


Me BSx2 63

1st M 13yrs WS Multiple As.

DD45 DD43 DS41 first marriage.

Him WS 56 P/A. PA + Multiple EAs from day one.

Current M. 26years

D Days 10/02, 11/02, 01/03, right up to 03/06

NC since 03/2006

Me Stage IV Breast Cancer since 36months,

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us (Hebrews 12:1).Titus wife, Linda
Joined: Oct 2006
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my husband and i struggled through our first two years of marriage. we had issued that we never delt with while dating. after hanging tough we are now extremely happy and very grateful that we hung in there. put in the effort, it will be worth it in the future.

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Well, folks, I'm glad to report that we're on the path of recovery. He has a more positive attitude towards each other and we are more loving to each other. I'm still hurting, and it will take some time to get past the hurt, but time heals all wounds. Thanks for having my back through the hurt.


Love, Soul Sistah

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