Well hello!

I guess I am not technically "new" to the MB board since I was a very active member in 2000 (under a different name) when my husband and I separated for the first time after his first EA.

Since I am fairly left-brained and list oriented...I will give you the low down on my situation in timeline manner.

• Married July 1998
  
  Husband started first EA w/ coworker Spring 1999
  
  Separated because of EA January 2000-May 2000
  
  Attended Retrovaille marriage retreat (Catholic-based) May 2000 - restored from separation
  
  Pregnancy (miscarriage) issues 2000-2001
  
  High-risk pregnancy February 2001-November 2001 (bed rest, lots of scary drama)
  
  During pregnancy...felt closer than ever (at least I did--he says he did too)
  
  1st physical affair Nov 28, 2001 (2 night stand supposedly w/ old girlfriend who he was in grad class with)
  
  Daughter was born Nov 29, 2001 (NOTE! one day after first affair) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
  
  2nd physical affair w/ different coworker somewhere between late 2001 and 2002
  
  EA with different coworker 2002-2003
  
  Got a new job
  
  Fling w/ two women (separately) on a two-week work trip Summer 2003 (very confusing to me as I thought we were doing GREAT)
  
  Physical affair started with 2nd EA from previous job sometime in 2004 (details are sketchy)
  
  I got a job working with him at his school Summer 2005 - he was excited and encouraged this
  
  Took sexually explicit pictures of her in his office at school - Nov 2005
  
  Supposedly ended physical affair with her end of 2005
  
  Continued EA with her...
  
  I "caught" them when I was investigating an unusually high phone bill in May 2006 - kicked him out to live with his mom
  
  Supposedly worked to restore marriage Summer 2006 - I let him move back in
  
  I caught him e-mailing her again during the month of August 2006...one of them was sexual in nature
  
  Snooped in his "fake" e-mail account and found the "trophy case" of pictures he kept there of her...which obviously showed his infidelity (no doubts this time)
  
  Confronted him 1st week of Sept 2006 - kicked him out again
  
  He "fessed up the rest" two weeks later (hence the timeline)
  
  After counseling last Thursday...he found out my mom had seen the pics of him and his OW. He freaked...took off and emptied the joint checking account. He ended up giving the money back...but his initial reaction scares me.
  
  He is still at his mom's house...my family HATES him and will KILL me if I take him back. I am at a crossroads...

Here are the questions in my head I could really use help with: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

• What kind of person could cheat on his pregnant wife (due any day) when we had supposedly bonded and got so close through all the problems and other miscarriages?
  
  What kind of person could take those gross pictures at school in his office? Does this mean something is wrong with him?
  
  What do I do about the fact that he is now trying to convince me to get the pictures from my lawyer so we could destroy them together and give him a sense of safety so he can go on?
  
  Can he really change? Don't multiple affairs and this deviant type behavior go to character at all?
  
  Everybody tells me I need to let him "hit bottom" and stop enabling him by protecting him from hitting bottom. How do I do this?
  
  Could he lose his job for this if the pics get to our boss? We work in a public school and while he isn't able to be seen in the pics...a couple of them show small parts of his filing cabinet/shelves in his office.
  
  Since I shared a lot of this with family and friends (disclosure)...most of them think he is a "puke" and don't ever want to see him again. What do I do about that?
  
  What the heck is this doing to our kids? That is what my family keeps harping on me about. This has got to be very confusing for them.
  
  OW is supposedly out of the picture and has disclosed to her husband and our church about the affair.
  
  We are in counseling with a GREAT counselor...but are still not using the tools he has given us for communication. Does this mean that we are bound to repeat our past mistakes? Dr. Phil says the greatest indicator of future behavior is past behavior...

Thanks for "listening"...I'd really appreciate any guidance.

Hello ConfusedTeacher,

Welcome (again) to MB.
It would seem that your WH, like my X, has a sexual addiction. When there are problems in life - he runs for a quick fix.
The sexual addiction itself and the resulting guilt are a problem also... that he has to "fix"..
I would think that when you two get along fine, he gets even more guilty..


My X did very much the same thing. I had two miscarriages, and he couldn't deal with the stress and the grief. He went to prostitutes when I was pregnant for the second time, and continued doing so after my second MC, and also had an A with my best friend...
So it could be that those problems made him look for a quick fix.
I have read other stories here of people that are going through a very bad patch (parent dying of cancer etc.) and exactly at that time their partner chooses to have an A. As if they need attention somehow.


My X made a video of him and OW "doing it" on our couch (that's actually how I found out). I think people who have A's aren't thinking straight because they're "high" on the kick they get from it.

Keep the pictures with your lawyer !!
It's YOUR call to do this at some point - much later - when YOU feel it's right.
I guess he's just scared (like when he took all the money).

He can.. if he wants to.
Not unlike other addicts.
It will take a lot of counseling and hard work, though, not the "I'm so sorry and will never do it again" stuff.

If you keep taking him back...
If there are no real consequences to his actions..
He'll not get the message that he WILL lose you.
Please read up on radical honesty etc. on this site, and on plan A and plan B.



That might happen.
But I don't think that would be the worst thing here, would it?

Don't worry about them.
Worry about YOU.
Make it very clear to yourself what YOU will do, what your boundaries are and how you will make sure those boundaries are NOT crossed.

Your children will learn from how you react to this.
Sh$it happens in life, that cannot be avoided.
It's how we deal with it.

Good.
But why do you say "supposedly"?
Is any more contact possible?
At this point, don't believe your WH (wayward husband) about these things.

Why are you not using these tools?

Dear CT...
how about STD's ?
Considering your WH foggy behavior, you are at a real danger from those.
Please take care.

Brit from Belgium

CT,

Sorry you have t/b back here. From 2000, you may remember me. I can't recall your story but you know the ropes and this time the mind and heart will sync quicker. U ready?

L.

Dump the chump... he doesn't deserve you!

I agree with MEDC. But if you want him back, he needs his SA treated. What keeps you with this man?

Where I live, a teacher has been suspended for sexual misconduct at school so I'm guessing your husband could lose his job if those pictures saw the light of day.

Brit,

Thanks so much for the time you spent replying to my screwed up situation. I was checked for STD's and am ok.

It's so hard not listening to their "I learned my lesson and won't do it again." stories.

I am weak around him.

Orchid,

I do remember your name. Obviously my story at that point was that he had left me...pregnant and alone...and I believe was pursuing his EA. She shot him down but I reacted out of panic and scared him away. I don't remember what my full name was but I think it had teddybear in it somehow. I had another friend on here named Ginna (from New Jersey).

Thanks for your support. I guess I am ready...

TT-

The only reason I worry about that is that it would be humuliating for me since I work at the same school. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I, honestly, am an enabler too and usually throw myself in front of a bus before I throw others.

BK-

Do you really think it is a sexual addiction? He has talked me into thinking it isn't. How would I know? Does anybody have a list of symptoms or anything.

I wonder if what keeps me is codependency/low self esteem. I'm told I am a good looking person by people...but have a hard time believing it. I have lost 25 lbs because of this so now I actually have a decent shape (thank God for small miracles). I even had a guy pursuing me at my friend's wedding...but something sends me surrying off with my tail between my legs to call my H.

??

I don't even understand my own behavior.

MEDC-

Believe me...that is what EVERYBODY I know is saying. They keep saying he is a repeat offender...he is a liar (serious liar)...etc.

Why can't I just cut my losses? I need to figure out what it is in me that keeps going back for more pain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Does it matter if it gets labeled as a sexual addiction?

I think one poor marker of success is a person who says he learned his lesson and will never do that again -- especially if they are a repeat offender.

What is he willing to do to make you feel safe?

Ask.

And listen.

If the answer is nothing -- you need to forgive him -- well, then you have the answer. He's asking you to go back for more pain.

Everytime you take him back it reassures your H that you are a

S U C K E R

He knows he can have his affairs and you will always take him back.

Oh yeah, a MAN doesnt cheat on his pregnant wife. You are married to a loser dear.

Respectful-

Thanks a lot for your response. One thing I didn't clarify was that I have not caught him repeatedly cheating on me. I only caught him once and then the other information came out. The other two times were EA's that I caught him in. Not that those aren't enough...

Boy...sounds like I'm defending him huh?

My mom has these concerns:

Why I am attracted to somebody like my H who hurts me

Why I want to please him

Self esteem issues

Why don't I feel "good enough"

Why don't I love myself

Why I don't see myself as the wonderful person other people see me as

She wants me to bring these things to my counselor. She is convinced that I am brainwashed in a way by him. Even though I have not been physically abused...my mom thinks I show the same symptoms as somebody who has been.

I'm not convinced because I have kicked him out twice.

Does anybody have any good resources to work on self esteem and codependency issues? I need to know that I am ok with or without him so I don't feel desperate to need him. I'm getting better but that is probably only because I'm not going through some of the same things others on this board are. My H is not choosing the OW over me and WANTS to be with me.

I'm just trying to decide what is best for me and my girls...

SO-

That's what my heart tells me. Who does this? What kind of person does this? I feel like the last 10 years of my life have not been real.

Our counselor is convinced his behavior stems from his horrible childhood. It seems like an excuse to me. We all have baggage but at some point you make the choice to go down that road.

I own my own part for the problems in our marriage. I can be controlling and do so somewhat because he is so passive and uninvolved.

It made me so sad when I was talking to my 13yr old about it and I was crying a little and said "Honey, I'm sorry I'm crying...It's just hard because Dad has been my best friend for 10 years and I'm afraid of being lonely". Her response to me was "Mom...it won't really be much different...it's always been you, me and (other daughter)...Dad has always been doing his own thing downstairs. Just pretend he is downstairs playing playstation or on his computer.

Out of the mouthes of babes...???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

My situation was similar to yours. My ex just repeatedly abused and abused. Promises to stop...and then more promises. I too had a hard time letting go... and you know what I got for that... wasted years and more hurt. Finally when I found the strength to go, I realized that I have so much more worth and have surrounded myself with people that add to my life... not destroy it. It is that first step.... sending someone packing... that is the hardest. After that, the blessing will come your way.

I listened to Dr. Harley on the radio discuss the serial cheater situation and his conclusion was that the ONLY way to save the marriage and make the BS feel safe was if the WS quit his/her job and worked in a completely same-sex environment or at home where they were not exposed to ANY temptation. They also ONLY socialize with their spouse. Absolutely cut themselves off from the opposite sex.

I've never heard of anyone actually doing this. If your husband is a teacher is their an all-boys catholic school in the area where he can teach and is it devoid of any female employees???.

Mr. Wondering

MEDC-

That's my worst fear...that he isn't sincere about wanting to get better and I will waste more of my life on him. I'm not getting any younger (not that that should really matter). BUT...I still wonder HOW to tell if they are sincere? Is there something out there that would explain this for me?

I would hate to think I gave my H 10 years of my life for nothing. I obviously didn't know about all of the affairs until a month ago. My counselor thinks he can change if he feels safe. Part of me wants to say...what the heck about me? This is NOT safe for ME!

He throws out statistics like 85% of marriages that have affairs occur are restored....and most of the other one's that don't are because the WS is so addicted the the OW that they leave for them.

What's up with that?

Mr. Wondering-

I actually teach at the same school now so I don't think it would be a problem at this job. The problems were at his last job. He had 3 of the 5 affairs with those coworkers.

I wish I had access to that radio broadcast you are talking about. Do you know if they keep archives?

Thanks so much for your post. I really appreciate it.

Your H has a total lack of character. Tell your counselor to shove those stats. I guarantee you that the % of people that would survive an A with the history of yours is next to zero. The only thing worse than having wasted 10 years on this man is to waste 10 years and 1 day! Send him packing before you look back and wonder where the next 10 went.