"OW just called me at work to tell me that WH has decided not to come home to me. That he was too scared to call me and tell me, so she was letting me know."

Ohhhhhhh, wow. Can you imagine THAT conversation??? "you know, my parents are presuring me, I never have any money, I saw my wife the other day and she was looking SO good .... this sucks. I'm thinking about going back home and figuring things out. At least then I'll be around MY kids."

OW .... gasping and seizing on the floor like a fish dropped out of a fishbowl .....

You know she had to be pretty desperate to call you herself.
And BRAZEN! Holy Cow!!!


So he's having questions and at least starting to think, and she's flopping around desperately .... I'd say that's a pretty good sign that the A might be losing some steam!

I'm sure it doesn't feel this way to you, but I'm with Mimi .... I think you're Plan A is working PERFECTLY and you're setting him up for a heck of a blow with Plan B.

-AmI.


ps ... I admire your restraint. I think it would get really ugly really fast if OW ever called me. I wouldn't be able to be so controlled, and would probably end up looking like *I* was the gasping, flopping almost-dead fish! Good job!!!!

Mimi,
The OW is definitely threatened by you as well she should be!!

I agree. WH spends the last 2 Sat's working around me and all of a sudden gets "confused" Well she sure talked him back into his insanity. I'd be scared too if my man was saying he feels dead inside, like a dead man walking. Shouldn't he be over the moon if I am the best thing that ever happened to him!?


All is not well in AFFAIR LAND!!!!

I get the sense that this is true too, or else why would she call me at work and try to get me not to talk to him! I'd be a little worried that I may talk him back into his admission of wanting to fix things.

I am sure glad I have been on this site and knew to expect this outcome, although her call did throw me - wasn't expecting that, but the no answer was expected. I am actually kind of in a great mood, cuz I think this is pretty funny. I am sure some of the pain of it will hit though. Thoughts have already crossed my mind that he is not worth this - but I know that is because I am PO'ed right now, but like I said also seeing the humor in both of them squirming a little.

So is he coming?

We'll see, I'll call him in a little to see what time, but I may wait a couple of days to get some of my anger out.

I am planning on getting to the hardware store before her shift ends and purchase some paint for the apt. I have a friend who is going with me...I will be very happy and very un-intimidated! Like what she said did not tear my heart out!

Oh yeah I forgot to tell you all the OW has told wh TO GO HOME BEFORE (PER CONVERSATION W/ wh TODAY). I told him "that was all for show to make herself look good to you. If she really meant that then she would have cut off contact with you, not had SF with you while she was encouraging you to go home!" It was a ploy, dummy!

Anyway, the saga continues!!!!

I am thinking this is soooo true. And that thought is helping see this whole situation for what it is.



I am counting on that being the case. I won't have much more interaction once the apt is done in 2 weeks, but there will be a lot for him to think about when Plan B starts.

WH still thinks he can get kids every weekend, or that he can have them for multiple days during the week. No way!!!!

I asked him if he was moving in with OW and he said not yet, but eventually. I said my kids are not going to be around her. What do you think...their gonna be excited and say, Yea, we get to go see daddy's girlfriend." He didn't respond to that...Too real!

I am just so annoyed with them both, but at the same time see more similarities in WH w/ the WS'S on this site now. Before, he wasn't doing as much of the same stupidities. as other WS's and I thought that meant he was more resolute and gone already. So I guess this actually brings me to a new place in this whole process.

My friends are realy dismayed by his response and I think were reqally worried about me, but I really expected this while hoping for the best, especially since I know that God can work miracles.

Thank you all for your prayers, I think that is what helped me not be crushed by this 3rd round of rejection! You are all AMAZING!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The nerve of that woman!!!! (I hate to even call her a woman, because frankly she is a complete disgrace to the rest of us women!)
To call a mans wife - the mother of his children, while she is at WORK and tell her "Your H has decided not to come back to you, but he is afraid to call you" and then to follow that up with "Don't call him, he doesn't want to talk to you about it"
There are times when I wish we could all band together, drive over to the OW’s place of employment, and kick her butt! What she did is disgraceful.
You are handling it perfectly, as always. Please take comfort in that. Your WH won’t admit it – but he is embarrassed that his mistress called his wife like that. Ridiculous.

One thing I have noticed – when the behavior starts to get really ridiculous like this, it is a sure sign that this R will NOT last. I feel so much pity for OW. She is so desperate, so lacking in self-respect, that she will do anything to bag a man. Another woman’s H. I wonder how on earth she could have possibly thought to herself: “I will call his wife, and tell her that he has decided not to go home, and then I will tell her not to call him, because I don’t want him to know that I called her!!”

And then your WH takes a page out of the stupid WH handbook with that tired, worn out line “But she has told me to go home to my family. She has told me she only wants what is best for me. She truly loves me, and wants me to be happy”. Yeah. Right.

I agree with Mimi – you have a lot of good signs here, that plan B will have an effect on him. In fact, I always hate to see the WH come back too soon – before he has really had a chance to get that OW out of his system. He really needs to see all of her manipulations. He truly needs to understand what his life would be like with her. The loss of respect from his friends and family – her constant insecurities, the harsh financial reality. And the loneliness that comes from being estranged from God. I am going to pray that your H continues to be uncomfortable. Lets agree together, in prayer, that what he is doing will make him VERY Uncomfortable.

Someday your WH will look back, and imagine what it was like for you to receive that phone call at work. And he will be devastated to remember that he was responsible for that.

WOF,



I think he is! STRIFE is especially what I am praying for in their "R"



AMEN!



That is what I am praying...and hoping after what I have read here! The heat is definitely up on these 2.



I think this is why I was expecting the answer I got from him. He knows that to come home, he has to be a Godly man again, NC with her, foul language, etc...all of it MUST cease. He knows my standards are too high for him to meet right now...in essence he knows I am too "good" for him to be with in his current state of being.



DEAD MAN WALKING!!! He knows the only cure for that...it's not me or the kids or more $$, just GOD. No one else can fill that for him and he knows that all too well. He really walked with God before, not just a pew warmer...really an intimate relatinship with God. You can't live without that once you've experienced it.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and even cheering me on. This can be such a lonely fight and the women I have met here have truly inspired me to "press on" Thank you for your prayers, nothing can even begin to happen until he is restored to fellowship with God, and then the hard work can begin.

And so, I keep doing what God has told me to do...STAND! And implement some great Plan A ideas!!!!!

YES!!!

STAND, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP and "PUT ON YOUR ARMOR" against the EVIL FORCES (as in Ephesians).

WOF beat me to it!! The AUDACITY of that OW!! Unlike WOF, I don't feel sorry for her. She definitely will suffer for this...CALLING YOU AT WORK..and that same old routine that the FOW in my situation used.."GO ON BACK TO HER AND LEAVE THE WOMAN WHO REALLY LOVES YOU"...YUCK....

Anyways, I mainly came on to discourage you from going to the hardware store. Nothing good will come of that for you. Stay away from EVIL. This is between YOU and YOUR HUSBAND. Do not stoop to her level. Plus, she will use this to gain his sympathy.."I'm afraid of her, etc."..Not a good PLAN A move to go to her work. OK?

Hi IHC,

I'm a FWW



TRANSLATION: He wouldn't do as I told him, so I'm going to do what I want him to. I want you to believe he's scared to tell you that he's decided not to come home. But, the truth is, he's waffleing.

When I FREAKED OUT, he told me he was confused b/c of what your parents said. I don't really buy it, but I want you to. That way it will discourage you from trying to win your H back.



TRANSLATION: Oh, CHIT! DON'T DO THAT! I don't want you talking to him anymore! Crap!



TRANSLATION: I'm pi$$ed off she just called you. And I'm pi$$ed that she said I was scared to call you.



TRANSLATION: They cut through my fog and made me THINK about what I'm doing!



TRANSLATION: I'm going out of my mind when I think too much about all this. It's so much easier on my mental health if I just go w/ what I've chosen to do. Why can't you just tell me to kiss off and make all of this easier on me? Why did you have to buy those thongs? Where were YOU the other night? See? This is why I have to keep my distance from you, just like the OW tells me to. She says it'll be easier on both of us. Why can't you agree to this?



THAT's it in a nutshell!

The internal thrashing a WS does is horrible! He's trying to silence his intellect.

I read earlier that he said he felt "dead inside". Well, THAT was Exactly how I felt! Dead to everyone except the OM. I personally believe what I felt was my soul dying. The feelings from the A partially masked the dead feelings. But, not entirely.

Hang in there.

~ Marsh

LOVED this:

"I am too "good" for him to be with in his current state of being."

Right on!!!!!

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY TO MARSH!!!

I had just ASSUMED her TRANSLATIONS from what I know about my experience with my FWH...but I did not share with you because I did not want to ASSUME that your H is like mine was.

MARSH GIVES A REFLECTION INTO THE MIND OF THE WS!!!

My experience with my FWH is was exactly as she says.

THE ONLY CONVERSATIONS THAT I HAD WITH THE OW (a couple of brief phone statements) WAS TO TELL HER THAT I WOULD ALWAYS LOVE MY HUSBAND.

My husband said that her focus became trying to convince him that I DIDN'T LOVE HIM. Because of my PLAN A, he did could not bring himself to believe her although he wanted to believe her...

WOW!!!!

You are blessed that she posted to you....

SHE SPEAKS WITH WISDOM FROM HER PAIN....

Thanks all.

I have not been able to post because my little one is sick, so I am at home w/o my computer! Have to be short, but wanted to get a quick thank you in.

Marsh - thank you soooo much. It is hard to understand what is going on with my WH. I am thankful that I got to see a glimmer of the internal struggle, even though it has been very difficult.

I realized a fact I never told you all...the apt. that we are remodeling is the home that we lived in the first 3 years of our marriage. We brought our son and daughter home from the hospital to that house. There are a lot of memories tied up in this place.

Anyway, I really do want to write more and get some more feedback because I am really struggling the last 2 days. You see, since WH relieved himself and said he was not coming home, he has acted very normal around me, even laughed with me once. He makes eye contact and is very conversational now that he has once again "put me in my place" - out of his life. I don't get this!!!

Anyway, I will be more detailed when I get back to work once my son is better.

Again, thank you for your input and prayers!!!

Hi all, this has been a long week!

Just wanted to polp in really quick and say that I am having a rough time again. I am getting down again. WH is acting the same as before, distant, etc... It is so frustrating to see that sliver of my H and then for him to be gone again. Oh well, you all have done it, so can I. Anyway, about 1 more week of working on our home together and then he will pretty much be done. So, there is not a whole lot of Plan A time left. Wish me luck!!!!

Again I say thanks for all of your words...they have helped alot over the last few days being at home. Thank you also for your prayers. They are much needed.

Sorry about the sick kiddo, that always seems to make everything so much harder to deal with. Not sure about you, but a sick kid always brings out my "just have to FIX everything!" side. I can't stand to see them miserable, and I just want to be able to make everything better.

Wishing you luck on your remaining Plan A time. It's hard when you don't see an immediate acknowledgement or recognition from him, but just know that you're leaving an impression that he won't be able to get out of his mind.

What planning have you done for Plan B? Will you have finances in order, what are the plans for support and visitation? Have someone who will be an intermediary for you? You probably need to start getting things set up if you think it's getting close to Plan B time.

Another week of working on the apartment, that puts you right over Thanksgiving .... what are you doing that day? Maybe you can invite your in-laws. Then let him either come with them to be wowed by the amazing spread you put on, or he can wallow with OW and just HEAR from the IL's about the great time you all had without him. It sounds like they're not too keen about his behavior, and would probably love the chance to spend the holiday with their grandkids.

Hang in there!


-AmI.

Great idea about Thanksgiving, AmI.

I have a funny story.

My H likes Barbecued Chicken cooked with a special Barbecue Sauce that I use.

He told the FOW that this is a favorite of his but he didn't tell her about the sauce...so her recipe bombed.

He went out and bought the sauce and put it in her pantry. (HINT! HINT!) He says: "You know what? She threw it away."

An example of how the OPs fail during PLAN B.....The WS seeing them for who and what they REALLY are....

Hi girls...

Thanksgiving is a wash...he asked for the kids that day, wanting to"share" the day with them. I asked what time his family was eating (after first making sure they would be at his mom's) and he said "I don't know, it doesn't matter as long as they get to spend time with the kids" They meaning his mom and stepdad. Not even him!!! He makes me so sick. He probably can't wait for them to leave so he can head on over to his "new family".

As you can tell I am in an angry season!

The apt. is not ready yet and there is a whole lot to do before I can move in this weekend. He is tasking this afternoon and tomorrow off to try to finish it up. So, I'll be there with bells on helping out with whatever I can.

He has completely returned to the distance mode. I am sure his brush with reality was too much to handle, so he has now reverted to the safe zone.

Mimi, I am almost done reading your "book" and have found it encouraging. It helps to know that the WIDE range of emotions I go through are normal! I am also so glad for you that things went so well. You were amazing through your ordeal and I am so thankful to have your input on this board.

I think I will try to file LS as soon as all the work is done on the apt. If I do it before then, he may get angry and not finish so I am biding my time. After that, finances will be in place, I have friends who will be my intermediaries re the kids. It will be hard to let my kids go with him for weekends, but I know that I can find things to do during those times and that having those breaks will help me to be a better mom!

WH tried to come by my house last night ( he thought I was out) to pick up the rest of his things. I was w/ DD at soccer and he called to find out where I was. And to ask if someone was at the house. Lucky for me my mom was there with the kids. I told him no one knew where his things were except me and that he could do it another time.

It made me mad that he tried to do it so sneakily, and that he was trying to do it at all. When he gets those things, there will be no reason to come by. You get that right?

I'll post more later but just wanted to stop in and vent.

Thanks

AHA!

Just realized why WH needs to come get clothes...all his nice things (dress clothes) are still at my house. Must need them for OW and her family for Thanksgiving...

This weekend was so awful...

I ran into OW while shopping at the hardware store. She was soliciting people to open credit accts. As I turned to respond and saw that it was her (looking better than the first time I saw her UGH!) I said UH, NO... I then turned to my mother and brother who were with me and said that is WH's girlfriend. I turned back to the cashier and OW scattered away. I did however tell the cashier..."that is my H girlfriend". She said "your ex?" I said" No, my H. She doesn't seem to care that he is married with 5 kids." Cashier says "Oh, that's embarrassing." I reply " it should be for her.

I leave without further incid3ent and upon arriving at the apt, WH is on the phone with OW. She has already called and "filled" him in on her version. WH then calls me aside and tells me I need to shop at a different store because OW has told her manager that I am harrassing her. WH and I get into a heated argument over what was said and he says it is inappropriate for me to talk to anyone about the 'situation'. I tell him that NO what's inappropriate is screwing someone else when you are still married. The conversation just got uglier and uglier.

I hate him for defending her...I didn't do anything wrong and he is taking her side. It just makes me sick. I don't think I can do this anymore...he has just hurt me so badly so many times.

WH then fails to show up to work on apt. on Sat or Sun. Won't even return my calls. Finally got ahold of him today and he claims he was really tired yesterday and just needed to take a day off. That he didn't even get out of bed until 10am. (He has never slept that late in the 13 years I've known him...probably a hang over!) In the meantime, I've moved into an apt. that has no stove, no kitchen countertop, no kitchen sink, no shower....no fence to keep people out of my yard (in a shady neighborhood at that)... How do you take a day off when those important things are not taken care of? I think he was trying to "put me in my place" with that PA move.

He was mean and hateful all week and especially when he was "correcting" me for shopping at the store. He says there is no relationship between us and that I'll never get it. He hates me now for sure.

What to do? I can't do this much more and am starting to wonder if my M is salvageable. I know you have all been through this and more...Please help with some encouragement. I want to give up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Oh (((((IHC)))),

I do understand how difficult a time this is for you, and I know how hard you have been trying. The most recent argument is evidence that it is soon time for Plan B. Please try to hang in there until then, no more arguments; walk away--I know how difficult that is, and I've had my own struggles with this, but try to end with Plan A on a good note. You really do need Plan B.

As for the [email]d@mned[/email] fool woman at the hardware store, she can suck rotting eggs for all you care, right!? You have every right to speak your peace. As long as you are not following her around the store, what right does SHE have to ask you to leave and not return. Also, you are more than aloud to tell the TRUTH to anyone within earshot! What a SMARMY B1TCH!

Also, call him once with any information that you need from him, leave a message, and wait; don't call over and over again, you know that he is baiting you. He's waiting for you to lose it; DON'T. Take your control and power back. Yes, YUCHK, he will defend that piece of crap woman, partly because you open yourself up to conversations with him. DON'T. Don't raise your voice, and take your time to think before you speak, even if it takes a minute or two to collect your thoughts. You are arguing with a WALL.

If you really wanted to give up, you would; you're not ready, and don't wonder what WH is thinking, it's really useless to pursue this train of thought, and only painful for you. Get to plan B before you have nothing left. YOU need Plan B. Don't give in to this; pick yourself up! NO MORE ARGUING; YOU BE LOGICAL/REALISTIC. Stop walking into the fog with him. What do you NEED/WANT for yourself right now, reasonably and realistically.

I know that you are waiting on him to follow through with getting the apartment together, but if he IS P/A he may not finish what he started--it's classic P/A behavior; be prepared for that. He will also make you seem like a villain for forcing him into getting this done FOR YOU. If he complains, you can always hire a handyman to complete small jobs and have it billed to WH--heh,heh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Oh, I could go on and on.

Most importantly, think of yourself, do for yourself. My mother always said, 'You can do poorly by yourself, you don't need anyone to help you.' WH is HELPING you do poorly right now; eradicate that from your life. He is draining you, and the love you have left...

W's can be SUCH jerks sometimes.

First --
I think you did a nice job with starting to expose OW at her work. Did you say that your WH is a contractor, and that he buys things from that store? I can't imagine that the management would be happy with her dating a maried customer. I think you should call and talk directly to the manager. Ask if the store has a policy about such things, and ask for the number for their national headquarters. Tell the manager that OW said you can't shop there anymore, and ask if that is the position of the store. I can't imagine that they'd actually want to turn away a paying customer, especially not one right in the middle of an expensive remodel. It would be a shame if you had to take your business somewhere else because of this one hostile employee.

Play it up, and I think I'd mention "Five Kids" and "Husband" about as many times as you possibly can in that conversation. And maybe drop a hint about how the newspapers might like a human interest story about a mom and 5 kids being displaced this close to Christmas into a two-bedroom apartment that has no stove, kitchen, sink, or shower, and now a hostile employee is even making it impossible to shop at the local hardware store...... Heck, you might want to call OW's and WH's **parents** with that story! Send them pictures of the living conditions your WH has forced you and your kids into as a result of his adultery. His parents will have to be upset that their grandchildren are living like that.

I don't know, I tend to get a little dramatic about that stuff (over-exposure?), but maybe you can pick and choose little pieces of it that might work.


Second, your WH and OW are both going to be pissed about exposure. Mine said the same things ... no relationship now because of what **I** did, how dare I involve everyone in "his business", he absolutely hates me now, etc. He was RAGING furious, (and still sometimes is), but it was effective. If their business was all above-board, then it wouldn't be a problem for other people to know about it, would it? Him getting nasty about the exposure is generally considered a good sign that it's working. So learn some of Orchid's Reverse Babble and keep it up!

Third, I think you need to get serious about getting into Plan B. What arrangements have you made for that? Will you need to file an LSA? Make sure you are protected financially! Have you determined what the child support and alimony amounts should be? What about a visitation schedule? Know someone who will be an intermediary? Start getting that all in place so you can get into Plan B as soon as possible. The book says that Plan B is to protect your love forthem, so if you are almost at the point of hating WH, then you need to hurry up and get there. What do you need to do to be ready for Plan B?


I'm really sorry that it feels so hopeless. I know how that feels, I was there (still am sometimes). And so were lots and lots of Recovered BS's that are around here. So try to hold on to that last little bit of hope. Remember, God promised you restoration. That's a pretty huge promise, so hang on to it!

-AmI.

Same old typical WS CRAP....

They're looking for any EXCUSE whatsoever to get together..

Yep, time for PLAN B...

SITUATION TYPICAL..NOT HOPELESS...

I have an appt tomorrow with a friend who does legal services. She is going to help me file all my paperwork. I am moving forward towards plan B. I am hoping to have a chance to have a good plan A impression left on him before then. My guess is that I will have to finish the rest of the work at my apt anyway, so what do I have to lose? I will write more when I have time, but wanted to get a quick thank you in for your thoughts. I really can't express what a lifeline this place is - except that you all already know that!

PS...I have been given by people at my church over 700.00 for the sole purpose of giving my kids a great Christmas! I am sooo blessed! More on that later as well.

Thanks again...you guys are my sanity right now!