Appt went well with legal service. Papers should be filed tomorrow or Mon, with a court date set for 1-9-07. Tried to be reasonable in my requests and am pleased with amount of CS and alimony that should be awarded. (standard CA guidelines)

I reread all your posts this morning and they helped me tremendously. It is scary how easily they suck us into the fog. I just need to stay the course and not look at the surface. I know things are going on inside that messed up brain of his.

My busy schedule calls, so I have to go. Thanks again and I will respond more later.

IHC--I've been away for a while--I simply haven't made time for the computer.

I am SO MAD at your WH!!!! I can't believe the gall of him asking you to not go back into that store! I've had the bad fortune of seeing OW a few times in the past three months, and every time I see her, I want to go home and slap my H for even thinking of being w/ her (I'm not Mrs. America, but, excuse my poor English, she ain't purty). I can imagine how you felt having to actually speak to her--I'd just as soon scream at OW as speak civilly--you are a CHAMPION!

I will pray, pray, pray for you. I'm sorry you're moving into a crappy place. I don't have to tell you that God will take care of this--

My H resigned his other regular paying job, the one as a minister, and we're having to move w/in three months. As far as the recovery, we're doing okay. He got upset the other night and made the sarcastic comment about how things were gonna change, and he's seen nothing (as usual, I'm the one who has to do all the hard stuff.). I just need him to help us find a church where he can be ministered to--we both need it, but he's still in the fog when it comes to my feelings about this crap he's gotten us in.

I will pray that your WH will come out of his fog, especially when it comes to his children, and get back to his "real" life. I'm so sorry that you're in this mess.

{{{{Peace and Blessings,}}}}
m4

IHC - This is my first time posting on MB. I've been lurking for awhile but after reading your story I just had to respond and hopefully encourage you. It's amazing the similarities between our stories. My husband walked away from everything (including God) in 2002. We also have four children, although my youngest at the time was 16. He put us through alot. I ended up losing my home, my jobs (two of them), my car and my dignity. I wish I had found MB when I was going through all of it, I would have saved myself about a year of grief. Some day, I'll post the whole thing on here so maybe someone can benefit from my experiences.

FWH began drinking and partying and ended up having two affairs, one right after the other. He was in a serious auto accident between affairs and nearly lost his life. But that wasn't enough. He went right back to it and this time ended up with a DWI.

My heart was broken (or more like shredded to pieces). I couldn't believe that this was the same man that I'd loved since I was 19 and who loved God so much. I LB'd all over the place, harassed the OW and basically made things worse.

Anyway, the point of my post is to tell you that there is hope. You're very fortunate that you've found MB. There are some very wise people on here. Listen to them.

In my situation, I finally backed away and gave up. I prayed that God "break" my husband and bring him home. He did. FWH tells me now that while all of this was going on, God wouldn't leave him alone. He would put people in front of him that would make him uncomfortable (angels maybe?). One time he was in a bar with OW and the song "I can Only Imagine" (Christian song) and he started bawling like a baby out of shame.

In the end, my husband (the real one) came home and our marriage was restored. Our marriage is 10x better than it was pre-affairs and in fact, my husband is going to Bible school in January to become an evangelist. If you'd asked me the possibilities three years ago, I would have told you there was no way.

princess,

Your post helped me sooo much. I have really been trying to remember that my H is locked up somewhere in that body. I really do miss him. I also know that God can and is doing BIG things in my life right now. I know that he is aggressively pursuing my WH. I just am praying that WH responds before the consequences are too severe.

I had a friend who called him and left a message saying that God had given her a scripture for him...Romans 2:5-6. It is a very stern warning. I just hope that he hears it.

Anyway, the point of my post is to tell you that there is hope. You're very fortunate that you've found MB. There are some very wise people on here. Listen to them.

I know, I am sooo thankful for the advice I have rec'd here...especially since our natural response is so opposite of what we should be doing.

Now, a recap of the last few days...

My DS 3 had his finger partially cut off and successfully reattached (only held together by the fingernail!). My WH came to the ER and was basically a bump on the log. Barely said or did anything. (except he did manage to get out a text message while they were sewing my sons finger back on...hmmm wonder who that could have been to!!!!! DS 5 was the one who cut my ds3's finger so he was a mess when we got home...very upset that he had hurt his brother. (Oh yeah, it was branch trimmers that were used to cut the finger off. Bone was broken clear through. OUCH!

DS 3 is going to be fine, thank GOD. He could have lost his tip of middle right finger from the nail up if the finger did not heal up right.

In regards to WH PA issues...I still do not have a working kitchen! BUT...2 men from my church (pressed by their wives...)have taken on the project...one got me a counter top that will be installed tomorrow. The other is giving me a sink, faucet, and garbage disposer - installed. FREE!!! So, I let my WH know via text message that I had the kitchen taken care of and that all he needed to do before returning my key was to install some floor transitions. He immediately called me and wanted to know how I was getting the kitchen done. I gave him no info just kept saying it was taken care of. He seemed quite annoyed!!! Then stated he would complete the floor last night. BUT, surprise...he did not do it. He did however leave 2 smal toys for the little boys at my new house. Why? The only thing I could think was because of the week being so rough for both of them...very traumatic. Anyway, I guess I will have to get someone to help with the floors because I am sure he will procrastinate on that as well.

I am feeling very free at this point, not having to walk on thin ice trying to get him to complete the work at the apt.

My LS paperwork was filed Monday and I am looking forward to having my CS inplace so that I can move forward with my plan B. I am still thinking about what I want to say in my PBL. I have the gsuggested guidelines and will use those to get it done. I will post it here before I send it...just to be right on!

I just have to say also that my God has been so faithful to me...he has met every need and then some. WH has been a total idiot lately and God has just poured out blessings on me. I have rec'd over 1300.00 from friends at church and many people have come forward to help with Christmas gifts and labor as well. I am just in awe of how amazing God is.

Thank you all for your prayers and guidance and encouragement. I am overwhelmed.

Give him the kerb, he's not worth the time nor effort, I've tried for 19 years and have 5 children, and not once did we stop him from an affair. I have forgiven him for 19 years and now I have had enough, I am out of this marriage and am not giving one thought to anything else. So much is too much, and if you were in my predicament, experience sure says something, don't waste your life, time, family, hopes and prayers, they don't stop lying, they just get better at lying. What do you want in life, we'll it aint what he wants, as history for me has already shown me, and did I take heed to it, no, I have beared the burden and now my shoulders are worn out, all I have left is the strength to rekindle, and rebuild a new life for my children and I... Give him back the mess to tidy up for himself!!!

mama4,

I am glad to hear from you...I was a little worried. I will be praying for you and your H..that his eyes will be opened to his responsibility as a H to you. Not just what he is supposed to get from this! What about a marriage retreat of some sort? This could be really helpful. I know finances are tight, but at least it would give you a small jumpstart on what needs to happen for your marriage to thrive.

Has he found a new job yet or is he not motivated?

I am praying for you! God Bless

So this weekend, my WH shows up unannounced at my new place and says " I need to talk to you." In a tone that suggests something really bad is about to happen or that he is POed. WH then proceeds to tell me that my SIL just went to OW workplace and threatened to kick her a**. I tell him I have no knowledge of this and that I did not ask anyone to do something like that. He says" I know". I say "If I wanted that done, I would do it myself." WH again agrees that it is not my "thing" to behave this way. WH then states that this happened in the last 30 minutes. He then clarifies that he doesn't know for sure that it was SIL, but from the desciption that is who he thinks it is. He then tells me I should call her and " figure this all out".

I didn't really respond to that, but after he left, I decided that this is NOT my problem...this is his drama that has nothing to do with me. I have very clearly stated that I am not dropping to that level. I am staying out of this fog...he can't drag me back in!

WH then asks to see what "they" did for the countertop in my house. I don't know why but I let him in to see it. He then sees my new stove ( a great deal...reg price 1249.00...I got it for 497.00!!!!!!) and rolls his eyes asking "how much was that one?" I tell him it is only 100.00 more than the cheap one he picked out for me. I said" It still doesn't work though because the electrical is not hooked up...that I have had to eat out for the last 2 weeks." I tell him to just drop off the materials that I need to finish the floors. WH says " I worked out of town all last week." ( This is his excuse for allowing his family to live in a house that had no kitchen for 2 weeks! LAME) I said " I saw you at your Mom's last Sat. - thus blowing that excuse up! He just shakes his head like "OH" (oops she saw me) I then tell him that I know that we are not his priority anymore - no big deal.

WH then calls to the kids who are in the other room. They all just stayed in the room, did not come out to greet him at all. They barely acknowledged him...that TV has such a strong pull! ( this is the only time I've found that funny - it ususally ticks me off when they can't break away from it for a minute) He asks my DS3 to show him his finger...DS3 must have just lifted it towards him because WH then said, I can't see it from there...come here and show me. DS3 wouldn't. WH must have felt so small...it showed him how much he has "lost" his kids. They were so not interested in him or even excited to see him like they used to be. I am hoping it was a reality check of some sort for him.

I really don't understand the immediate drive to my house to "talk" to me about the incident. He already knew I had nothing to do with it before he got there. It made no sense to me at all. Why not just call?

My LS paperwork was filed last Monday, so the papers to serve him should be ready soon. I have a question regarding this...When WH was talking that it was "over" I asked him to let me know if he filed so that I could talk to kids ahead of time. Should I extend him the same courtesy that I asked for? It is different in that I am not filing for D, but for LS. And I can prep the kids for what that means. Are WS usually angry when this happens? I am not sure what to expect...if he wants out - why would he even care that I filed? Some input on this would be very helpful.

Also, is it a good idea to send a PBL with the papers when he is served or should it be a separate event? I am trying to navigate through this in the best way possible. Any advice is welcome...

Thanks!

Hi, IHC.

I've been thinking about you.

Was this WH's sister who threatened OW? That's incredible! Gotta love it when you know people are on your side -- and your WH and OW know it, too! It's funny that he tried to make it your problem. I imagine that OW's job is not going to put up with this kind of drama too much longer.

I'm also pretty interested in his odd little jealousy spurt ... nice counters, nice stove, and he didn't provide it so he's irritated .... but at the same time, he didn't want to bother to provide it, either. Who knows what the heck is going on in his head.

I think I'd give your WH the PBL a couple of days after the papers are served. You may need a little bit of time to work out any logistics, and you don't want to have to break Plan B to do that. As far as advanced notice on him getting served ... I don't think I'd go out of my way to do it, but if you happen to be talking to him, and you can do it gently and in as Plan-A a fashion as possible, then it probably wouldn't hurt. Not exactly sure how you would do that .... but keep up a stellar plan A right up until the second that you go into Plan B.

Do you have an intermediary? A Plan B letter? Have you thought about giving a copy of the letter, and explaining it's purpose to his parents, too? They seem to be pretty supportive of you, so they might be able to re-inforce the message some with him while he's living with them. I can't remember if you exposed to any of her family? Have you thought about sending a copy of the letter to her, too?

Hang in there. You're doing great. You sound so strong, and I'm really thrilled to hear about all the help you're getting from your church. That's great. God is so good!


-AmI.

AmI,

I am thinking I will write my PBL this weekend, it'll be the first time I have had any time to do it. I will post it next week for feedback.

I have intermediaries set up, some friends of ours.

If I had OW address, which I think I can get through my PI friend, I would send her a copy of the letter. I can send one to his parents.

I finally got my meds too. I have only had them 4 days, so I am still waiting to feel their effect (dr. says about 10 days). I have been fairly sad lately, with his b-day and not having a part in it, driving out of town and seeing reminders of places we went and how we enjoyed our times there. I keep remembering our trip to Hawaii in May and I am so sad that it wasn't what I had hoped for it to be...and because of that we have traveled this road. (not excusing WH behavior, just knowing that if this trip had reignited some sparks, maybe we could have made it). Just rambling thoughts I know. Just wisdhing for a different time and place. I really miss my H and sseing WH makes me so sad - he is a shell of his former self!


Holidays are probably going to be a mix of beautiful times with my children and sad times w/o my H.

I am looking forward to plan B for my sanity.

((((((hugs))))))

Hopefully so many beautiful moments with the kids that they will get you through the sad times.

You're doing a great job in a really tough situation. Get as many of those last Plan A knock-his-socks-off moments in as you can, make sure he's left with a great image of all that he's missing out on.

Do you know when he'll be served?

Hang in there. I'm really, really impressed with you -- hope you realize how fantastic you are!

-AmI.

AmI,

Thank you for the encouragement...it often feels like you are walking around blindly...I'm sure you've felt that way.

I am waiting on a call from the lady to pick up the papers. Then I have to figure out who/how to get them to him...Scary!

It can only get better right!!!!!!!

Thnaks, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

AmI,

Thank you for the encouragement...it often feels like you are walking around blindly...I'm sure you've felt that way.

I am waiting on a call from the lady to pick up the papers. Then I have to figure out who/how to get them to him...Scary!

It can only get better right!!!!!!!

Thanks, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi IHC,

I just read your story. Well I didn't read the whole thread, but got the picture.

{{{{IHC}}} Is your church family supporting you through this?

Milk

Milk,
Amazingly so! I cannot believe the support: financially, emotionally, prayerfully. I am so overwhelmed by it all. I attend a large church so it has all been done individually by people in the church. God has been so faithful and people have been faithful to do what He has placed on their hearts. It sometimes makes me feel a little guilty ( on the physical side - not the spiritual side), it is hard to accept gifts like the ones that have been given to me. In all honesty, I believe that this Christmas will be the best one my family has ever had thanks to the generosity of friends. And the only reason I have been able to so readily accept the help is because of my kids...they deserve it! They are truly blessings in my life!

Sorry to hijack your title...but it is soooo true! I can't go back and edit it now so it is stuck there! But you did say it all so well!

IHC

Well, WH pulled another stupidity! WH just shorted me money again this week. Had "other" things come up and got overdrawn...blah blah blah. So, no money again! I am sooo glad I have filed papers and he won't be able to get away with this much longer. WH mind just is not functioning. He is thinking that when he gives me money, he is paying for things...not supporting the family he abandoned!!!!!

The great thing is that every time he "screws" me God just pours out new blessings...far above what he withholds from me.

I still haven't written my PBL, because I was sick this weekend, but I will almost enjoy it at this point. I am so ready for some peace and moving forward...with or without WH in my future.

Ugh .... My WH used to accuse me of stealing all his money ... like I was blowing it on fur coats and silk purses or something. He never had a problem using the electricity, or taking warm showers, or living in the house or eating the groceries .... or that the kids could also do all of that, too. But he sure fought when it was time to PAY for all of those things.

What a jerk to short you support the week before Christmas. That's just heartless. How does he think you are providing a Christmas for HIS kids? What does he expect them to do if he's not willing to help provide for them? It's so awesome that God's been providing for you throughout all of this -- in spite of your WH. But sad that you have to rely on the church because your WH is unwilling to do his job and provide for his family. In your papers did you ask for back-support, back to the point since he's been gone? Hopefully he will have to pay all that he's skipped out on so far.

How are you doing on getting good Plan A parting shots in as you're getting ready to go to Plan B?

-AmI.

AmI,

Basically no Plan Aing has happened because he has basically been AWOL. The only time I have talked to him is today to find out that he is skipping out on paying again.

I picked up my paperwork today, and he has to be served by the 28th.

I would have said something official like - "So you are saying, 'For The Record' that 6 days before Christmas you are going to short your children on the basic necessities - forget Christmas presents - because you have other prioirities? - Just needed to make sure that is your official legal position on this issue" - scare the uknowwhat! out of him!

Very funny!!!! I unfortunately was a little dumbfounded and didn't say much at all. I did however write an e-mail shortly after that stated something to the effect that I thought that it was sad that anyone else had priority over his responsibility to his family.

Personally I think he just blew all the money on his stupidity!

LOSER!!!!!! I am sure of our place at the bottom of his totem pole!

He can't run forever...California has nice guidelines that suit me just fine!

Well, the long holiday weekend is coming up and WH hasn't even asked what plans for the kids are...not much of a priority right now I'm sure. I bet OW and her daughter get gifts...even though he had no money to give to his family for their basic needs!!!!!!

But, God has provided Christmas for my children and I so I could not be more pleased. I am looking forward to many happy memories this year, in spite of our current circumstances.

erry Christmas and Hapey New Year! God Bless