You have the nerve to call Melody lane anything. Her moral compass is as straight as anyones here. Let's look at your scorecard.

You screwed around with two men and got pregnant by one of them... you decide to kill that baby because of your mistakes and think that your BF shouldn't be worked up about your cheating.

You have some serious issues and need to grow up before dropping your undies for another man sweetie.

be, like we told you before, you are not marriage material. This is a PRO-MARRIAGE website, which is why we are telling you that you are not suited to marriage. Being "pro-marriage" does not mean that we advocate bad matches. It is not in your BF's best interest to marry you. He would be insane to marry you after you have demonstrated lying and cheating and advocacy of abortion while dating. He would be CRIMINAL to have children with you and subject innocent children to this kind of life.

While he may "forgive" you, and he should if you are truly sorry, he should NOT MARRY you. Nor are you responsible enough or mature enough to be married.

What would you do if your beloved grown son came to you and asked if he should marry a woman with these qualifications:

1. LIES
2. CHEATS
3. jumps from one man to another - EASY
4. shacks up with men

Are you kidding me? If my 24 yr old son came to me asking if he should marry you, I would probably take him in to have his head examined!

Go to counseling, BE, and get some maturity under your belt before you get married. You have a lot of growing up to do before you are emotionally qualified to take such a huge step.

Let me see if I have this right. You really love D and had thoughts and plans to marry him and D was doing everything for you. During this time you found out you were pregnant with D's baby. You then go to visit A 1500 miles away because it was pre-planned and both of your parents were ill. You were with A and argued but still had sex with him and cheated on your boyfriend D. You then proceed to have an abortion without telling D. A couple of months later you tell D about the cheating and the abortion. If you really loved D do you honestly think you would have engaged in such actions. I agree with the others that you need to work on yourself. What would you think if your D had done to you what you have done to him? The foundation of your relationship is shot which is why D is acting the way he is. I am sorry for you but again surely you knew when you slept with A you were probably destroying your relationship with D. In addition, A was already living with another woman at the time. Why would you think D would not think he was the doorprize? What did you really expect the outcome to be when you did all of this to D?

We wont even mention:

5. Fails to use BC or uses BC improperly, and becomes pregnant by one of the two men

6. Aborts the baby (who is the father?)and then does not tell either man

7. Wants to get married after a few months to a man she hardly knows....

Oh man, Mr A was living with another woman and you still slept with him?

Since you were sleeping with both men, how do you know who was the father of the baby? Or dod you use BC with one of the men and no BC with the other????

This gets more and more confusing.

Okay. A was never living with another woman. I did not practice unsafe sex with either of the men. The condom broke while having sex with D, months after I admitted to what I had done. D knew of the abortion. He took me to get it. I did not PLAN on getting married after only knowing D for a few months. We had talked about the future and that was one of our plans...for the future. Not now. I did not go to visit A while I was pregnant, that happened long after that incident. Never once did I think D was going to marry me because I was pregnant, that's the exact reason I didn't have the child. I'm not selfish enough to bring a child into an unhealthy relationship. And by the way, child support is paid for 18 yrs.

I didn't realize this was a religious website where my abortion had any real ground on my cheating and the relationship. It was just an emotional factor in what we were dealing with.

I cannot believe that you all are telling us not to work on the relationship. Two people are willing to work on a relationship and get through the mistakes and others are telling them no. No wonder there is so much divorce in this country. People make mistakes. I'm sure all of you have at some point. Whether it was cheating or something else. Me deciding not to have a child was a good thing in this situation. Do you think I should have brought a child into this situation? Melody if your son was with me and got me pregnant after I cheated on him would you want me to not have the baby? Or would you want to me to have the baby since you are pro-life but you wouldn't want me to work on the relationship with your son?

The scary aspect of this sorry tale is that in today's society, this is not an aberration. Indeed it is glorified by the movies, tv and rag magazines.

BEBlu, I hope you find someone that can get your moral compass on the correct path. You are a very young and a lot less mature than you think you are. We all were at 25.

My prayers go with you and especially for the baby.

blueyes, one does not have to be "religious" to know right from wrong. Nor did you make "mistakes," but dreadful decisions stemming from immature, poor judgement.

This is a website that is designed to help MARRIAGES, not failed dating experiments between immature kids. Bad marriages should not be saved, and most certainly, bad dating situations should not be saved. Do yourselves a favor and don't consider marriage until you grow up and learn right from wrong. You are not marriage material and the sooner you accept that, the better off you will be.

Just an observation here, and I’m surprised someone else didn’t pick up on it:

If you read her original couple of posts, she is showing the classic symptoms of “fog”. She was living with A, then moved out and began a R with D. Suddenly, everything about A was wrong. She didn’t love him, never loved him, yada, yada, yada…

Sounds just like a typical WS during an A to me.

Now, as for Brighteyesblue25…

Assuming that the 25 is your age; act it and grow up!

No one can ever make you happy. Happiness isn’t something another person can give you. I would pity anyone who might marry you the way you are right now. Cheating is a choice. You made that choice; then you made it again. You really need to get a clue as to what love is before even thinking about marriage.

Since you didn’t want to bring a child into an unhealthy relationship and was not willing to be a parent/taking care of this child (even as a single parent), you could have decided/chosen to give the child up for adoption in stead of killing it… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Adoption would have been be the most unselfish & loving choice you could have made in this situation and for the unborn child since there are many, many infertile couples out there who long for a child of their own and who will be able to provide a loving & caring environment/home for such a child.

I didn't realise the Abortion debate was a religious issue either. Many people have a "thing" about the taking of innocent human life, not just Christians.

Bright..

my advice to you is to break the cycle of punishment and abuse that you are currently in with your boyfriend...

you say now he want's to work on things...but the truth is from your original post is that he has taken your infidelity and ran with it..

placed himself in a position of dangling you on a line...
blaming HIS ACTIONS and HIS choices on you...
making you cry every day.....

pretty much he's got his boot on your neck....and you are staying there....

am I right??

cause his actions...no matter his words are not the actions of someone interested in reconciling....

if you want true reconcilliation you should get in to good couples therapy.....
and he should be willing and happy to go to lay this issue to rest...

can you imagine marrying him...and still hearing about the affair on your first anniversary...how about on the day your children are born...
what about every new years eve...ten years...
etc etc etc.....

you messed up...but people can change and do change...
I believe you can...

but you can not let unacceptable become acceptable...
it's a bad combination...

ARK

Mark, I did not move out of A's and then start a relationship with D. I moved out of A's and then met D a year later. I did not jump from one relationship to the next. I was single for a good amount of time. I never said that I didn't love A because I met D. The relationship simple didn't workout with A. I tried to make it work, but it didn't. And cheating isn't what broke us up.

The abortion isn't the issue here.

Melody, what are you recovered from? And why didn't you answer my other questions?

I never once stated my age. You all are assuming that I am young.

Thank you Ark for actually dealing with the issue and giving me advice instead of knocking me with the assumption that I am an immature child.

I wonder the same thing if he is going to bring this up throughout the relationship. He has said that he hasn't forgiven me. He said that he wants to. We did very well for a while, but like I said, the plane ticket brought back all the feelings that he thought were gone. I try to tell him that it's wrong to dangle the issue over my head. I'm not sure couples therapy would be a good thing right now. He first has to really decide if he wants to make things work. Also, I haven't heard good reviews about couples counseling. The stats are that it isn't quite successful. I did mess up. And people do change. I'm more than willing to work on myself. A lot should be said for that. I know D and I are in an unhealthy cycle. Do you think there is a way to get things on track? What do I need to do? What does he need to do?

be, your questions are irrelevant to the discussion, so I am not interested in answering them.

Your bf can forgive you, but he should not consider marrying you for the reasons I gave above. But I suspect he has no such intentions anyway given his lack of committment. It seems like he is just staying around for a free ride until he moves on. As ark suggested, is that how you want to be used by him?

It is NOT WRONG for him to bring up the issue to you. He is very right to be thinking about it, because it is an important issue to him.

Why do you imagine we are assuming you are young? Can you guess why?

It's funny that you can't answer any of the questions I ask you, yet you continue to have this attitude. You won't say what you're recovered from. I'm guess it's an addiction of some sort. It would really blow my mind if you are a recovering addict, but you're telling me I am a jerk for making the mistake of cheating. My boyfriend shouldn't consider marrying me because I made a mistake. I'm sure you made a mistake or two in your life. I'm sure people didn't just walk away from you for making them either.

What is this free ride you assume he's getting?

I never said it was wrong for him to bring up the issue. I think it's wrong for him to hold it over my head if we're trying to move on.

If you think I'm young because I cheated, you're wrong. That is not an issue of age. You have for some reason picked me out to abuse. You have not helped me with an issue that I asked for assistance with and instead you have continually attacked me for absolutely no reason. You do not know me personally and do you not know the type of person I am. I made the mistake of cheating...and you're recovering...do people change or not? Is cheating an absolute that someone can't break free from if they want to change? I came to this site for assistance, yet I have been attacked. Only one or two people have tried to give me advice. I never said what I did was right. I never made an excuse for it. I'm simply asking for guidance from people outside the situation who might have an opinion I never thought of.

I went to the infidelity section because I was sure I would get advice from cheaters and those cheated on. If you are so disgusted by cheaters than why are you reading posts in this section? Is it so that you can make yourself feel better by acting like you're better than me?

There has been absolutely no reason for you to be talking to me the way you have. You keep bringing up the issue of maturity and the way you are acting is wrong. If you are disgusted by what I did, you didn't have to respond. I was asking for help. I wasn't asking for approval.

I wish you the best, brighteyes, you will need it.

Good.


Yes, you are.


Honestly? No. At least not right now -- and here's why.

Right now, you both have issues to work on that don't necessarily have anything to do WITH the relationship (ie. the relationship didn't cause them and the relationship can't fix them) but which WILL infect the relationship.

Think of it this way: You're both lugging around these huge sacks of garbage. At some point, you need to sort through the garbage. If you both dump your sacks in the middle of the room, it will soon become impossible to tell who is supposed to dispose of what piece of garbage and you'll be paralyzed.

Before you get married to anyone sort through your own garbage and get it all taken care of -- then you can bring the greatest gift you can give into a relationship -- a whole and healthy you. (And, you should expect your partner to do the same).

The chances are that this relationship will hamper BOTH OF YOU in your journeys. Maybe you met too soon -- maybe you'll meet again some day. Chances are, if you let this relationship go and grow some as a person, you'll find someone some day with whom you have a chance at real happiness.


Please understand that we're not trying to be mean to you. We're telling you that your relationship has all the warning signs of becoming really toxic for you, your boyfriend, and any future children of the relationship. We are hoping that you'll get out NOW before there are children who end up being 'collateral damage.'

The chances of this turning out right really are **THAT** low. I'm sorry.

A lot of people want to 'beat the odds' -- it's the romantic American Dream that we see in Lifetime movies. The problem is, that the odds do mean something. It means that for every success there are 1,000's of failures. And, the only meaningful advice to give someone who's looking at odds that are stacked against them is to find another path. Barrelling through is all very well and good if you're a heroine in a romance novel but it doesn't work out very well in 'real life.' In 'real life' children get hurt. In 'real life' even having the odds in your favor gets really messy sometimes.

It's your choice, of course, if you want to roll your dice and take your chances. Too many people do -- and bad things happen.



Get out on your own without all the distractions of these two men. Learn impulse control so that you aren't making bad choices because you're drawn to them. Figure out how to predict consequences better and where you should be investing your time, effort, and focus.

Figure out what you REALLY want and not only what you want from a loving relationship but what you're able to PROVIDE to one. Examine your values and make a list of what you want in a partner and what you're willing to provide -- then be able to share that with your future partners. For example, if fidelity is important to you, then you have to be willing to give it, too. If you're pro-choice, then you probably want to find someone who's pro-choice, too. If children are important to you in the future, then find someone who wants children. (The list goes on and on... )


Don't let life be something that 'just happens' to you -- let it be something you participate in and make active choices that move you in a direction you want to be in.


More or less the same thing you need to do -- just not with you. Maybe he also needs anger management. Either way, he's not your project to fix -- and you're not his to fix.

If you really are sure 'he's the one' then make an agreement to check in with each other after a year apart and see if you still feel that way and have progressed any towards your personal goals.

I wish you the best.

Mys

She offered you help. Told you to grow up and start anew. You really should. I was in the position of your BF... my ex eventually decided to keep the baby though. But the bottom line is that your BF is involved with someone that is a known liar and cheater... he has no ties to you in marriage... and really, he would do better to start over again with someone that he does not carry the baggage that he will be forced to carry because of you. How much more damage needs to occur in this relationship before you see it for the poison that it is. YOU brought up abortion... so don't balme others for discussing something you brought up. The fact is, the scorecard for this relationship is lies, cheating, abusive behavior and a dead child. Can't you understand why people that are concerned with helping to build marriages would suggest to you that this is not a good foundation for a lifetime committment. I would not want my son to marry you based on your behaviors... yes, you can change, and I hope you do...but that doesn't mean that I would want you for my son after your HISTORY together.
And the reason people think you are young is that you seem VERY immature.

brighteyesblue
There is another website that i am a member of and i think it would be better for u. If u send me a message personally i will give u that website. I think this forum is more one sided. I know how it is to make a mistake. My husband has done something to me in the past and i have made the worst mistake of my life to him. I love him and i hurt because i hurt him and our marriage. We all make mistakes. All u have to do is be at the right place and the right time and choose to make that mistake and then its no turning back. God said to the woman that was a ******, go and sin no more. The others were talking her down and God said to them that whoever hadn't committed a sin before could throw the first stone. No one threw a stone because they had all made mistakes before. In the long run the only one u will have to answer to is God. Hunny he died on the cross to save us from these allful mistakes that we make. U ask for forgivness, hold your head high and go and sin no more. U will be forgiven. That is what my parents told me. U need to try as hard as u can to make your relationship work if u love him and he loves u. Pray to God together that he will help u overcome your mistakes and don't do it again. I don't agree with the abortion but u need to ask forgivness. I lost a baby at birth and it was a horrible thing to go through. I haven't been the same. Life is hard and we should all look at these things as life learning experiences. U will be OK! If u need me u can send me a message anytime. God Bless!

myschae & shelpdepressed, thank you for your advice. it is good to know that there are people out there who can give advice, whether they agree or not, without insulting the other person. i cannot believe there is so much hatred on a site that is supposed to be for support. i don't necessarily LIKE all the things you both have said to me, but i really am welcome that you took the time to give advice.