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My pastor gave an excellent sermon called "Being Faithful" on Sunday discussing marriage, lust and divorce based on Matthew 5:27-32 and 19:3-9. I wish WH were there to hear it.

My WH no longer worships at our church and instead worships with OW at another one. He is so conflicted.

I feel very compelled to mail WH a copy of the sermon outline. What do you think?


Looking forward to a new chapter since D was finalized on 4/24/07 from WH.

"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
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If you WH is in a church......he knows about adultery and the way god feels about it. He knows. He just choses to only listen to the other scriptures Im sure. I really doubt you will see anything come from fowarding him the sermon.

My EX left me for a preacher at our former church. After our divorce, she would always try and preach to me about living holy.......as she was preparing for her married preacher b/f to arrive. *rolls eyes* See what I mean?

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You could send it to him but it probably won't do anything except make him angry. I sent my WW something like this but she told me that I don't know how I come across to people (basically that I'm insensitive) because she felt like I was judging her and pointing out her mistakes.

I intended it to be something helpful - to open her eyes to what she was doing - but she didn't see it that way. Maybe in a year or two she might understand why I sent it although in the short run she saw it as me being condescending; as though I assumed she didn't already know what she was doing and that she was/is incompetent.

Your WH knows what he's doing, he just chooses to ignore it or is deceived about it to the point that no amount of scripture is going to change his mind.


"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12
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Have you notified the other church??


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Yes, I notified the church that WH is now going to but the pastor said he really couldn't do anything since their congregation is so large- more than 5,000 worshippers. WH wants to remain anonymous and he's accomplishing that. The pastor said that unless WH does anything to bring attention to himself, there is nothing they can do.

My friend who is divorced told me not to send the copy of the sermon because this would be considered contact. She also said that it won't impact WH. She also said that WH may get mad at me. I figured I have nothing to lose as WH has already filed for D. I know it would make me feel better to know that I've sent it. I just don't want to give up on WH, that's all.


Looking forward to a new chapter since D was finalized on 4/24/07 from WH.

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Quote:

I just don't want to give up on WH, that's all.




Sending it will not make him see the errors of his ways. He's still in Fogland. The sermon will only push him further from you.

~ Marsh

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Quote:

Yes, I notified the church that WH is now going to but the pastor said he really couldn't do anything since their congregation is so large- more than 5,000 worshippers. WH wants to remain anonymous and he's accomplishing that. The pastor said that unless WH does anything to bring attention to himself, there is nothing they can do.




ready2wait - This is an all too prevalent attitude today where people of God "tolerate" willful sin in their midst. It is very sad.

If your husband and the OW are visitors to the church, there is little that they can do short of talking with them about repenting of their sin, and if they are unrepentant, asking them not to attend the church.

If they are members, or if the OW is a member, then they are bound by Scripture and Christ's instructions about Church Discipline to get involved and apply the Matthew 18:15-20 steps to confront sin and restore a sinning member.

Do you know if the OW is member of that large church?

If, as the Pastor claims, there is little they can do because the church is so large, then I'd seriously question their leadership structure, at least the Elder and Deacon structure that is supposed to "break the church into smaller Care Group" sizes.

God bless.

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Hi ForeverHers,

Quote:

If they are members, or if the OW is a member, then they are bound by Scripture and Christ's instructions about Church Discipline to get involved and apply the Matthew 18:15-20 steps to confront sin and restore a sinning member.

Do you know if the OW is member of that large church?





I don't know if the OW is a member there. How can I find out? I just think that it is so important for accountability of member and to implement church discipline when necessary. I'm thoroughly frustrated at my current situation and I feel like the exposure had little or no impact upon my WH and OW. They keep fleeing.

I'm at another low on this rollercoaster of emotion today.

In Bible study tonight, we will discussing the sermon on adultery, divorce and lust. I know it's going to be emotional for me tonight- it's just so personal.


Looking forward to a new chapter since D was finalized on 4/24/07 from WH.

"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
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Quote:

I don't know if the OW is a member there. How can I find out?




If you know the OW's name, you could try calling the church secretary and ask if she's a member of the church.


I have no doubt that the bible study will be emotionally difficult for you. If the others know of your situation, you can also count on them being understanding and supportive of you if it does get hard to bear.

One other thought regarding your husband, the OW, and the church they are attending. If your husband is a member of your church, your Pastor could speak directly with the Pastor of the church they are attending to see if he can get that Pastor to intervene.

God bless.

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Thank you again for advice and suggestions. I'm having the hardest time with all of this- and it's been 6+ months! My eyes began to well up during the sermon. It's so hard to remain composed when my life is crumbling around me. Several people in my Bible study know of my situation. I don't know if I feel comfortable telling the entire group but with the range of questions we'll be discussing, I feel like I will have to divulge my situation to everyone tonight. I am feeling uneasy about that.

In May, the leader of our group confronted WH about the A. WH was co-leading with him. WH was stunned and since then cut himself off from our church and our Bible study. Our pastor tried contacting WH but WH didn't call him back.

Our leader spoke to me after the sermon on Sunday and said he was contemplating on calling WH again. I feel like everyone has given up on WH except for me. I understand that I need to let go of WH but I can't. I feel like a fool for thinking that letting go was going to be easy but it's so difficult to move on.


Looking forward to a new chapter since D was finalized on 4/24/07 from WH.

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R2W

INHO I think you should send him a copy of the sermon. It struck a chord with you so there is something to it. It hits home for you on infidelity so it has to hit home for him as well. He may choose to ignore it, or worse, despise you for it, but a sermon of Gods word on infidelity is just what God would want him to hear.

I would use tact when you present it though. Do not send it as a "see I told you so" thing. I would preface the sermon with a letter from you stating how you felt (not what you thought) during the sermon. This is critical. He can disagree with your "thoughts" but there is no right or wrong with feelings. This took me a long time to grasp but if you are like me you can get a handle on it. Here's what I do - if I can say a sentence such as "I feel like you are..." that is not a feeling, that is a thought. Why? because you can exchange the words "feel like" in that sentence with the word "think" and it will still make sense. "I think you are...". But if you say to him, that sermon made me feel sad about our relationship and where it is headed. "Sad" is a feeling. That serman didnt make you "think" sad. See, it doesnt make sense, therefore it is a true feeling of yours. He cannot say you are wrong, inconsiderate, mean, etc. for how you feel. He may try but you know in your heart that he is not yet understanding your feelings about your marriage then.

Write the letter in a thoughtful way, expressing your feelings, your concerns, your hopes and dreams. Let him know that you would like him to see/read the sermon for you, let him know you have nowhwere else to turn.

None of this may work but to not even send send him something that means so much to you and is so right in Gods eyes is like having an ace (ok, maybe a jack) in your hand and discarding it Hmmmmmmm.... Ok maybe its nothing like that, here I was going for some great analogy and my brain just decided to shutdown. Oh well, you get the picture. Ah ha, it's like having film in the camera but not taking the picture because you're not sure that it will turn out.

Take the picture and see what develops.

God Bless,

2LLP


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I appreciate your opinions, 2LLP.

This is what our former pastor said. He was good friends with WH up until d-day:
"Looks like a great message and I can obviously see why it impacted you. As far as whether to send it to WH I don't know. It seems like a risk that might drive him further away in causing him to feel judged. In another way, it is scripture like this that often brings conviction and correction in a way that WH obviously needs. Since he has never returned any of my calls I don't know the state of his heart and whether it would be helpful but I will be praying for you for wisdom to know what to do."

I don't know the state of my WH's heart since I've been in Plan B since June.

Any input is appreciated. Thank you in advance.


Looking forward to a new chapter since D was finalized on 4/24/07 from WH.

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Quote:

This is what our former pastor said. He was good friends with WH up until d-day:
"Looks like a great message and I can obviously see why it impacted you. As far as whether to send it to WH I don't know. It seems like a risk that might drive him further away in causing him to feel judged. In another way, it is scripture like this that often brings conviction and correction in a way that WH obviously needs. Since he has never returned any of my calls I don't know the state of his heart and whether it would be helpful but I will be praying for you for wisdom to know what to do."

I don't know the state of my WH's heart since I've been in Plan B since June.

Any input is appreciated. Thank you in advance.




(((((ready2wait)))))

Okay, a couple of thoughts for you to consider.

First, if you are in Plan B, there should be NO communication with your husband. Therefore, if you are in a strict Plan B, sending your husband the sermon is out.

That's one of the reason I chose to do what I called (and many objected to my calling it that) a "modified Plan B." I remained in communication with my wife while we were separated simply because if I wasn't the one to stand for God and Biblical truth, who would? Certainly not her OM. In your case certainly not the "church" where they are attending as if adultery was acceptable to God.

Second, and this may be a bit tough for you, are you more interested in your husband's soul or in being married to him no matter what his relationship with Christ is?

When your former pastor said, "It seems like a risk that might drive him further away in causing him to feel judged," there is, imho, NO "risk" here. He WILL feel judged. THAT IS part of the "deal." God judges sin, especially willful sin and disobedience of God. Christians ARE told to "judge" other Christians in the sense of "accountability" for the actions of a brother or sister in Christ who is obviously sinning. Make NO mistake about it, unrepentant adulterers will NOT be in heaven. Therefore, your husband is one of two things, since he claimed to be a Christian. He is either serverely backslidden, in which case the second part of your former Pastor's comment could well be true; "it is scripture like this that often brings conviction and correction in a way that WH obviously needs." OR he never was truly saved and was a "Christian" in name only, for whatever reason he felt he needed to be identified as a Christian.

So what to do? Consider this, as painful as it may be to you. Your marriage is already over and there is nothing you can do to save it UNLESS he repents of his adultery and submits himself to God in humble obedience no matter what he might be feeling.

So what, exactly, do you have to lose? Fear of driving him "further into the arms of his OW?" He's already there, by HIS choice. Plan A didn't work. Plan B doesn't look like it's working after 6 months. So, if we assume that he really is a backslidden believer, then perhaps it's time to "let God have a try" instead of trying to "do it all yourself without God." What do you think? What do you have to "lose?" Do you really want him back WITHOUT God as the central focus of both of your lives, to say nothing of God as the center of your marriage to Christ, the bridegroom?

Yes, it will likely take a lot more time, but it might not. If a believer tries to "Run from God," they can only do so for a while. But they can never hide from God and the indwelling Holy Spirit will NOT let there conscience be calm when there is active rebellion against God.

Think about it. Pray about it. Seek God's guidance in what YOU, His daughter should do.

God bless.

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Foreverhers,
I know this is not my post, but I want to say thank you...your words helped me refocus on the true issue at hand.

r2w,
One thing I and many of my friends are praying is that my WH will be miserable in his sin...that he will find no relief. I will be praying this for your husband as well. Another thing I began praying recently is that God would send a "neutral" person (someone who knows nothing of my H sin) to speak a word that could only be from God...in this way, he cannot in any way think it is just from a person, but from God himself. And he can't use it as a "reason" against me.

God Bless You!


BW 35 (Me) WH 35 DS 11, DS 10, DD 10, DS 5, DS 3 Married 1994 Dday 7-9-06 Plan B started 12-24-06 Psalm 62:5 My soul wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him.
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Ready2- I understand how you feel I've been there many times since d-day so may sermons that I wished WH had heard.

Easter Sunday was 2 days after d-day tha sermon my Pastor preached that Sunday was inspired by me when I told him about the affair. I acn't remember it right now. I cried thru most of it (WH was setting right there next to me) after the service I asked WH want did you think of the sermon he said it was a good sermon. Then I asked if he thought maybe the Pastor was talking to us, he said no it had nothing to do with want was going on with us.

They see nothing beyond to fog.

Hope you don't mind be butting my nose in


Marflow WH-49 Me-40 M-16 yrs DS-16 DS-12 D-Day 4/14/06 WH moved out 5/21/06
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Ready,

This is just MVHO but I would say at this point to let him do what he's going to do and not to interfere. It's hard... but let him find out for himself why practicing adultery is NOT of God, and that his churchship is a complete ruse. If he is a Christian who has back-slide to where he is now he will see his world shaken probably very soon. If he is not a Christian, then he is just playing a big game and scripture isn't going to matter much to him anyway.

My hope is that you will be able to separate yourself from your WH and move forward with your life. Let him take this journey on his own. If he is already rebelling against the marriage because he feels pressure from you, your pursuing him may only cause him to continue out of spite.

Continue praying for him and for your own well-being and wisdom. Be patient.

Psalm 37:3-6 says:
"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."


"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12
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Thank you to everyone including ForeverHers, InHisCare and Marflow,

Last night was our Bible study on topic of adultery. That was a really uncomfortable topic for me to talk about. Some of my friends weren't sure if I was going to attend because of the topic but I did. I participated in the discussion and reveal my sitch to those who were unaware it. I started sobbing at the end of the study because some of them volunteered to forward the sermon to WH. I was just touched by their concern as I have felt so alone recently.

"So what, exactly, do you have to lose? Fear of driving him 'further into the arms of his OW?' He's already there, by HIS choice."
At this point, I don't feel like I have anything to "lose." WH has gotten his way this entire time. All of our Christian friends have backed off since May and that's what made me feel so helpless. It touched my heart for my Bible study to offer to help last night. One of our leaders said he would send WH a link to the sermon in hopes of WH listening to it. Another friend said she could send WH a CD of the sermon. I figured as long as the sermon came from someone other than his own W, it would be okay.

"Therefore, your husband is one of two things, since he claimed to be a Christian. He is either serverely backslidden...OR he never was truly saved and was a 'Christian' in name only, for whatever reason he felt he needed to be identified as a Christian."
This is where my dilemma is. I feel like I've been tricked into thinking WH was a Christian during our R. Perhaps he never was one and just wanted to be known as one to fit the Christian mold. Perhaps WH has never been saved- I just don't know anymore. I pray that he has only fallen and that he truly is a Christian because he has such a great role model for me. He ignited my spiritual journey when we were dating and I am so blessed for that. However, if you asked me today I'd tell you I don't know my WH. I am frustrated, heartbroken and angry on the damage he has done.

"Do you really want him back WITHOUT God as the central focus of both of your lives, to say nothing of God as the center of your marriage to Christ, the bridegroom?"
No, I do not want WH back without God being our focus. I want my real H back, my H of integrity and faithfulness who reflected Christ's love. Our R was focused on God...or so I thought.

I really appreciate everyone's comments and feedback. I have been an emotional wreck this week. The study of God's word on adultery and divorce had struck a nerve.

I need to continue to seek God's guidance and grace in this very dark time.

Blessings to you all,


Looking forward to a new chapter since D was finalized on 4/24/07 from WH.

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ready,
you are not alone. I do not know my WH either. This is not the man I married, nor would I have married.

I will give you a passage that has been given to me 3 times since this ordeal began for me in July. 2 Chronicles 20. This is amazing to read and is a story I was not very familiar with, but it packs a great punch!!! The battle was impossible, but it was not theirs, it was the Lord's. The Lord defeated the enemy and no one had to fight, all they did is praise...then on top of that, the spoils tooks days to collect!

I am called to stand and praise. This is a benefit to me with or without my WH every returning!

I am struggling every day with this, because my emotions are in stark opposition to my faith and my hope. I have faith that God can do all things, but my emotions are fighting me every step of the way.

Please be encouraged that you are not alone! God can and will perform His perfect will in our lives as we continually submit to him. We can only be responsible for ourselves, but we can stand in the gap for our WH's in the meantime.

Much love, JV


BW 35 (Me) WH 35 DS 11, DS 10, DD 10, DS 5, DS 3 Married 1994 Dday 7-9-06 Plan B started 12-24-06 Psalm 62:5 My soul wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him.
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Ready2Wait - Have you discussed with your attorney filing a countersuit for divorce on the grounds of adultery? If not, you might want to consider doing so.

Also, I don't know what State you live in, but some States (like mine) still have teeth in an Alienation of Affection suit which you could file against the OW.

Your husband keeps wanting you to just "play meek" and let him go without the "label" of adulterer. You've tried everything so far and he is adamant that he will not change.

This is your marriage as much as it is his, so perhaps (since he HAS filed for divorce) that it is time for you let him have a little dose of his own medicine. Get with your attorney pronto to discuss the options.

Remember, God grants the FAITHFUL spouse, not the adulterer, the right to a divorce. To not "fight" might be seen as not standing for God. "No fault" divorce is not in God's language. That is a secular invention to serve self-interests.

And by the way, if you choose to fight, you do not have to be "vindictive" about it. FACTS, plain old facts, are all you need to penetrate the shroud of fog and denial that your husband has wrapped around himself and his fantasy.

"No fault" is just an indication that he has "no fault" with you and is simply being selfish and following his own lusts, so don't be shy any longer. Just get good legal counsel on how to "turn up the heat" on your husband for GROUNDS for a divorce and not just a "pain free" divorce that he imagines.

One last thought (yes I went back and read all of your previous posts to date), check on that CD and discuss that with your attorney also.

God bless.

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R2W~

I agree with the others who said not to send the sermon on to your WH. First~~ he won't "hear" it, and secondly it would backfire on you.. in the way LBs & DJs do.

BUT, I wanted to give major kudos, high fives, and all that to your pastor for giving such a message. I've belonged to a conservative evangelical Christian denomination all my life, and other than sort of hitting on the topic of adultery in sermons, I've never heard a pastor preach on the topic specifically. In small groups.. somewhat, but still not much.

So good for your pastor!!

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